Aibu, row with mum regarding dd with sn being removed "for the sake of others"

[UserReuser]

Dd is autistic, BUT loves ballet. Quite obsessed with watching it on you tube, mirrors dance very well, actually looks rather good. If you put on classic FM she will dance beautifully in time and with real expression and variety.

DS goes to ballet and DD has been amazed and wanted to, so I take her now. Obviously she doesn't follow a lot, but she loves it despite the struggle and is quite desperate to get out the door to it (otherwise hates leaving the house at all).

She is generally mute and doesn't touch others so I'd not seen an issue. Teacher is pretty decent. Basically when they all get up to dance dd joins in, can get a tad confused but smiles a lot. When they sit dd stays at a distance twirling etc. There were meltdowns early on but now she is content mostly and even goes in alone. Teacher leaves her to it it really.

My mum has had to take her for a few weeks due to appointments I have, I've been a bit upset to hear mum takes her out once she is unfocused. So at least missing two thirds. She says it's not fair on others, dd giggles or vocalises quietly at times but generally it's just movement when they should be still. Dd has made massive massive progress to join in to the extent she does and I feel she is now withdrawing again. We've been asked to leave other local activities due to her behaviour (ballet she is calmer). Dd is generally being hard work right now and I don't think she's liked being taken out and is kicking back

Other parents haven't said anything, they generally smile at us and don't glare daggers or anything! The teacher is chilled, I'd guess she knows someone with asd as she's so good, feedbacks if she makes eye contact or follloes an instruction quite pleasantly though we've never had a proper chat. Some children do need extra refocusing when dd is there due to her movement and ways, though this is just mild verbal reminders. They are pretty young so nothing unusual I would have thought. One finds it a bit more difficult not to watch dd, but still joins in ( and would possibly be distracted by anything at all)

Mum is good with her generally, but we've just had quite a row over this. Mum feels over parents are paying and playgroup is better, I think she's both making progress she doesn't make elsewhere plus she loves it so why not indulge her. Mum reckons I am not aware enough, I reckon I may as well take her until the level tops out or she doesn't enjoy it.

As it's aibu

• she doesn't touch others

-she doesn't generally talk at all -her movements can be quite silly, but largely it's dancing quietly

So, what do others do? Would you care as much as my mum reckons?

Sure you can't change your hospital appts?

Your determination for your dd is wonderful to see, sadly a lot of parents give up after difficult experiences. People can be so mean.

Tell your mum to bog off!

Your mum is BU . your dd is enjoying herself and doesn't sound as if she is being disruptive at all. Just leave her be to twirl to her hearts content. You are also a paying customer.

Yanbu at all op and I don't agree that you need to approach the teacher to ask whether she feels Dd is disruptive or whatever. Your experience tells you that if that was an issue you'd hear about it, why pre-emp it?

Your Dd has found something she enjoys so leave her be. Sounds like your mum is a bit focused on "What will people think" and less clued in to the fact that your child's issues may well mean her opportunities to enjoy an activity like this could be very limited compared to the other children in the class who or may or may not be slightly disrupted on occasion.

As long as your child is not hurting other children or disrupting the class with her behaviour then I would not take her out of the class. I think she will get a lot from attending the sessions.

I would ensure that the Teacher is aware of her special needs so that she can accomodate her if/when something happens such as a new stimm occuring.

yanbu, but how are you going to convince your mum to leave her be?

YANBU, but I would tell the teacher out of fairness to her if you haven't explicitly told her already.

DS has ADHD and we have had to leave or have left before we were chucked out numerous extra-curricular stuff. It's so difficult as mostly staff and voluntary helpers don't have the sort of training a teacher would have to deal with this and so realistically it can be unsustainable.

We are clinging on to Scouts now but they are very good at ours and I don't take him when he's emotionally exhausted (so he misses more than they would like IYSWIM). We've had to leave swimming, tennis, capoeaira, yoga, cooking... the list goes on. I had to give the head at school a hard stare about after school club as they do have to provide the same care as for other children in the school - but they were making noises about him needing more attention than other children.

Children with SEN need extra-curricular activities as much as neurotypical kids - because often they don't find social situations easy and they need practice - and children not in their school make a refreshing change if you have difficulty in class. I really wish there were more targeted provision.

The teacher sounds fab, you sound fab, your dd sounds fab, your mum IBU. Your dd is getting so much out of the sessions , you said she is becoming calmer as a result. It sounds to me that the ballet teacher is doing a brilliant job of including dd. Have stern words with your mum, she is not doing anyone any favours by removing dd. If it continues, try to find someone else to take dd to ballet, or swap your appointments round if possible?

Is there anyone else who can take DD to ballet? I would fear your Mum's attitude causing an atmosphere that starts putting DD off.

Or can you switch to a parallel class with same teacher in same location?

I think your mum is BU. It sounds like she has issues with your DD's autism more than other people in the class do. The teacher would tell you if your DD was being disruptive. They sound supportive so she should be allowed to stay.

I'd say if she is disrupting things then it is down to the teacher to say not your mum. It sounds like they are giving her a bit of leeway as they are happy for her to be in the group. What teacher wouldn't want to see someone progressing in their class who struggles with some things.
If you are really worried or want a stronger argument for tour mum, maybe try and speak to the teacher yourself

Can you email the teacher and get their approval for your dd to stay in the class?. If the teacher responds, you can show the response to your mother. Sometimes the "voice of authority" works when others (such as your mother) are being unreasonable.

At my DS's dance class there were always kids wandering off, hanging off the Barre, generally doing their own thing. I'm surprised your DD is the only one, it's pretty standard even for neurotypical kids. Your Mum is being quite odd.

I doesn't sound like you need to speak to the teacher as she seems pretty clued in. Ds goes to a sports club and I've found it really refreshing that the teacher has noticed he needs to use his name before speaking to him and needs reassurance about things etc without me having to 'explain him'. Good teachers will adapt their teaching to the situation in front of them. Unless there is anything that would be surprising - a massive phobia/allergy or something then I don't think any explanation is necessary.
Well done to that teacher for running an inclusive class.

Are there no disability ballet or gymnastics classes?

Our gymnastics club offer classes for children with sn/disablities so that they can get the attention they need or they can, and do, join in regular classes.

Your dd doesn't seem to be disrupting the class to the point of others not listening or running round so I wouldn't take her out of the coach is fine with her doing what she's doing. As pp's have said, you should speak to the coach about your dd's sn so that everyone can get the best out of the class and you know that you are on the same level with regards to expectations.

Agreed the teacher sounds as though she's across it and it isn't a problem. But I would still try to speak to her, outside class time somehow if you really can't make it at all. Get the teacher's take on it, and (hoping) that she is as on board with it as you think she is, then she can speak up if your mum starts to remove DD.

A gentle 'she's fine and I'm happy to have her here' should stop your mum in her tracks.

Why don't you just talk to the teacher and see what she says? Do it just to put your mind at rest (and your mothers). or maybe your mum has picked up on something that you haven't?

If you are so confident there are no issues, I don't understand your reluctance to just confirm it with the teacher. Unless you are afraid they will say, actually yes this is a problem, please leave?

Maybe because 'are you going to discriminate against my dd due to her SN?' isn't a standard question you SHOULD have to ask. The fact she has been asked to leave other classes is appalling - I think the op should be able to assume her dd is welcome to attend classes.

Are you paying for DD?

The more I think about it the angrier I'm getting about you being asked to leave other classes

What absolute bloody arse holes

I'm obviously extremely naïve- it never even occurred to me that this could be a "thing". What happened to anti discrimination legislation?

Just tell your mum that the teacher gets to decide whether dd stays in her class or not. It's benefiting dd so you please want her kept there unless teacher feels it's not working or unless dd is distressed.

I'm astounded that your mum isn't chuffed to bits seeing her dgd joining a class and enjoying a new activity. She is possibly embarrassed in front of other parents and feels she needs to step in far earlier than you would? I would really put my foot down because you may need help in the future and she will be the same. She needs to get over it.

I would love to be able to help a child like your dd if I were teaching that class, but I would want it formalised eg. at what point to take her out if necessary. That would also help your mum I would think.

Teacher sounds great.

YANBU. And I think your 'bar' sounds sensible and reasonable. The teacher sounds excellent- as you say either has experience herself or is just very intuitive. I don't think you've mentioned age, but based on my DDs dance classes when they first started age 3/4, lots of children, even those without SEN, needed refocusing etc and luckily their teachers were brilliant at it. Your only issue seems to be getting your DM on board as you need her help. All I can offer on that score is to say my DDs (non SEN) went to an amazing primary school that gradually (and initially unofficially) become a de facto specialist in visual impairment, Down Syndrome and spectrum. My DDs wider friendship group, from Yr1 onwards included close friends with various spectrum issues and visual impairment and also aural impairment. I cannot tell you how much this has enriched them, and in turn, I hope their friends. I now have DDs with a high level of empathy and understanding of people with all kinds of issues, and how to help them, but more importantly, how to just simply include them like any other friend. The difference between their early years education with a varied peer group compared to some of their now friends at secondary (which has a very different demographic to their primary) is very obvious. My DDs and I would often meet with the wide friendship group, and the mums/dads, at weekends and holidays and it was very much a case of 'Dan likes this, but can't do that, Sam can do this but can't tolerate that, Emma won't be able to manage this so some of us will do something else with her' etc etc. I often smile at the memory of DD2 arranging a play date at ours with her then bestie. He was on the spectrum and was very visually impaired. She wasn't sure what he would like to do but thought he might enjoy just laying and stroking the dogs and she geared herself up for a few hours of that. He did, but he also really enjoyed the two hours where they sat on the utility room floor in front of the tumble dryer, switching on and off again as he loved the sound, vibrations and heat. At no point did she see that as weird, it was just his normal so it was her normal when she was with him. And now, thanks to the way their primary school was, I now have DDs who will be very outspoken if they see or hear anything approaching a 'different' attitude to people who are like their primary school friends were. So no, you don't take your child away for the 'sake' of others. You include your child for the 'sake' of them, and very much for the 'sake' of others.

There's two ways to resolve this - ask the teacher or get someone else to take your DD to ballet. It isn't fair to ask your DM to take her and ask your DM to behave exactly as you would.
Perhaps your DM is over sensitive. Perhaps you are unaware. It's impossible to know. However, it's also possible that the other parents or the teacher respond differently to your DM than they do to you.

Who wouldn't be afraid kingpin slightly that someone would say yes leave, when everywhere else has? And no there are no classes that dd could go to for sn at all. I have looked, asked at parent groups etc. I am willing to be a tad pushy to ensure she does just one thing she loves when there is so little for her. So I guess no I don't want to actively invite that outcome, if there is I overt fuss and everyone is ticking along ok. 'Support' round here= parenting classes and sweet f a else, the kind of useful tips like make sure they have a bed/ don't hit them/ turn the tv off occasionally

DS is the most super compliant pleasant little man who will often model for others dance, so I know she'll be aware it's not my parenting!