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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu, row with mum regarding dd with sn being removed "for the sake of others"

145 replies

UserReuser · 15/02/2017 11:46

Dd is autistic, BUT loves ballet. Quite obsessed with watching it on you tube, mirrors dance very well, actually looks rather good. If you put on classic FM she will dance beautifully in time and with real expression and variety.

DS goes to ballet and DD has been amazed and wanted to, so I take her now. Obviously she doesn't follow a lot, but she loves it despite the struggle and is quite desperate to get out the door to it (otherwise hates leaving the house at all).

She is generally mute and doesn't touch others so I'd not seen an issue. Teacher is pretty decent. Basically when they all get up to dance dd joins in, can get a tad confused but smiles a lot. When they sit dd stays at a distance twirling etc. There were meltdowns early on but now she is content mostly and even goes in alone. Teacher leaves her to it it really.

My mum has had to take her for a few weeks due to appointments I have, I've been a bit upset to hear mum takes her out once she is unfocused. So at least missing two thirds. She says it's not fair on others, dd giggles or vocalises quietly at times but generally it's just movement when they should be still. Dd has made massive massive progress to join in to the extent she does and I feel she is now withdrawing again. We've been asked to leave other local activities due to her behaviour (ballet she is calmer). Dd is generally being hard work right now and I don't think she's liked being taken out and is kicking back

Other parents haven't said anything, they generally smile at us and don't glare daggers or anything! The teacher is chilled, I'd guess she knows someone with asd as she's so good, feedbacks if she makes eye contact or follloes an instruction quite pleasantly though we've never had a proper chat. Some children do need extra refocusing when dd is there due to her movement and ways, though this is just mild verbal reminders. They are pretty young so nothing unusual I would have thought. One finds it a bit more difficult not to watch dd, but still joins in ( and would possibly be distracted by anything at all)

Mum is good with her generally, but we've just had quite a row over this. Mum feels over parents are paying and playgroup is better, I think she's both making progress she doesn't make elsewhere plus she loves it so why not indulge her. Mum reckons I am not aware enough, I reckon I may as well take her until the level tops out or she doesn't enjoy it.

As it's aibu

  • she doesn't touch others
-she doesn't generally talk at all -her movements can be quite silly, but largely it's dancing quietly

So, what do others do? Would you care as much as my mum reckons?

OP posts:
archersfan22 · 15/02/2017 18:02

The point about generational difference is something I have experience of actually - husband has a minor physical difference but is able to walk, write etc without assistance, no learning difficulty, and mother in law told me once that she really struggled to get him into a mainstream primary school. We have a preschooler with the same condition and I can't imagine anyone suggesting he goes to a special school (not meant to be disparaging about special schools, before someone jumps on that, just clearly not necessary for our child). So things have really changed in a generation.
I'm not saying that makes your mother's attitude ok in any way, but might explain it a bit.

Penfold007 · 15/02/2017 18:11

UserReuser can I just edit your opening sentence a little? My daughter is autistic AND she loves ballet How lovely that she has discovered ballet and her teacher sounds fab. Let her enjoy the class and express her self through music and dance.

UserReuser · 15/02/2017 21:40

Penfold- the 'but' was intentional, it's intended to communicate that despite appearance she loves it. An observer may wonder why I take her and think I'm being pushy, whereas she loves it despite looking like she doesn't want to take part.

OP posts:
UserReuser · 15/02/2017 21:43

Blue emerald- it has been an amazing way in, it was the start of copying and definitely increased her awareness of other children. There are bits you good think she had no need, she said her first ever verbal reply in this class!

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 15/02/2017 21:48

YANBU if my child went there I'd be delighted that your DD was there. Why the hell should people with disabilities be segregated from the rest of society. She's not causing a disturbance and sounds like she's done amazingly well to make such progress in terms of joining in. Maybe your DM just feels self conscious because it probably was the done thing to hide away kids with disabilities in her day?

DJBaggySmalls · 15/02/2017 21:54

YANBU. Does her ballet tutor know she said her first ever response in the class? Thats a huge deal. I'd send her a thank you card and note to tell her.

angeldelightedme · 15/02/2017 22:18

Dd obv was clocked quickly
Sorry Op but as a gymnastics coach you are totally taking the piss signing up your child for classes without telling the organisation she has a special need! If I was TOLD I could talk through your DD's condition and see if we could make arrangements eg organise extra help to make it accessible for her.I would not, and could not have a child going off doing their own thing in a gym.It would not be safe for her or the other gymnasts. To not be told would really get my back up.
YABU .You need a proper talk with the teacher and not put her in an uncomfortable position where she is having to work twice as hard to keep the other children focussed while your DD 'does her own thing'

Penfold007 · 15/02/2017 22:36

UserReuser 😐 sorry I didn't pick that up.

SolomanDaisy · 15/02/2017 23:27

Angel, did you miss that it was gymnastics for toddlers? My DS behaved appalling at toddler gymnastics for months and was never asked to leave. Half the group were 'doing their own thing', because they were toddlers. He's a pretty well behaved member of their school age gymnastics group now.

AnnieNeedsAMacBook · 15/02/2017 23:30

angeldelightedme. Ummm - I hate to point out the obvious, but this isn't about you. It's an empty bloody room, not a gymnasium full of equipment, & it's about ballet, not gymnastics. So your post 'as a gymnastics coach' really isn't relevant to a post about ballet

angeldelightedme · 16/02/2017 00:14

Annie if you had RTFT you would see the relevance of my post!
Toddler gym is different it is meant to be freeflow with parents helping their child. So i am kind of wondering what the OP's child was doing ?!

AnnieNeedsAMacBook · 16/02/2017 02:11

I have RTFT.

The bit you quoted was about ballet teacher. The thread is about the ballet class.

I'm well aware of how toddler gym classes run. Thanks. However, it's totally irrelevant to this thread, other than the side post the OP wrote about being asked to leave toddler gym. But that has nothing to do with the comment you quoted.

TimidLividyetagain · 16/02/2017 02:52

I have kids with ASD. I'm glad it little girl is happy doing ballet. Keep going as long as it works. One thing is maybe your mum wants to be comfortable and all cool with everything but just can't cope. My dad lives my ASD son. But cannot at all cope with embarrassment. So I no longer ask him to help. I don't feel embarrassed , I'm over it and a tiger fir my child. But my dad can't cope .He's not a bad person just everyone isn't as resilient as we are.but u know ur mums motives better than online people. Just maybe ur mum isn't so terrible she just can't cope and brazen it out. But I hope it continues to go well for ur little girl.

Rainbowqueeen · 16/02/2017 03:16

I would absolutely keep her in the class.

Maybe for my own piece of mind I would get in touch with the teacher to confirm whether or not there are any issues but it doesn't sound like there are. Can you drop an email to the teacher.

You could show the response to your mum if it would help to set her mind at rest

JobsAGoodun · 16/02/2017 03:45

I'm so pleased at the thought of your DD enjoying her class that it's made me cry. Just to echo everyone else, keep her in the class but do try to talk to teacher, mostly to make sure you are on the same page as she does sound very supportive and capable, although I understand your reticence due to past bad experiences.

Sounds like your mum has her own issues, which ideally you would be able to discuss with her, but probably not something that can be changed easily as embarrassment and tolerance of social difference is very ingrained. It would be worth trying though as she presumably loves your DD and wants to be a form of support for your family.

As a pp said you may also want to consider horse riding for your DD. My DBro with ASD got a huge amount out of it, very calming, amazing to watch. I've seen similar with lots of other children with ASD and SN.

Italiangreyhound · 16/02/2017 03:57

userrouser I've tried to read all your posts but not everyone else's. Must go to bed. But before that ...

As it's aibu

  • she doesn't touch others
-she doesn't generally talk at all -her movements can be quite silly, but largely it's dancing quietly

So, what do others do? Would you care as much as my mum reckons?

NO, I would not care if another child was doing that in class.

Your mum is wrong to take her out but if your mum feels like this and won't change then you've got only limited choices. I can see from an update another mum is taking her, hope that works out and she is willing to do this more often.

If not and you have an appointment (can you rescehule them, if not, Hope all will be well soon) then I guess it is your mum or miss the class. Which is preferable?

Please don't fight with your mum on this, you will need her support in the long run. She is in the wrong but she is doing you a favour. Just get well soon so you can resume your ballet duties. Thanks

mathanxiety · 16/02/2017 04:04

Your mum is BU and needs to get over her discomfort at 'seeing DD not conforming' to quote a PP.

m0therofdragons · 16/02/2017 04:52

I find it really odd that your dd has serious enough Sen to be "clocked immediately" but you haven't had a conversation with the teacher about her needs. That conversation needs to take place where you can say you are happy as long as dd is happy even if she isn't joining in all the time. Once you've had that, you can confidently say to dm that the teacher will come and get you if dd needs you/dm but otherwise she stays in the class.

It sounds like your dm is trying to do her best and made a judgement coming from a place of love. Don't fall out over it, but make sure plans are clear with everyone involved.

PenelopeFlintstone · 16/02/2017 05:23

Are you paying for her lessons, as in is she properly enrolled in the class?

Shockers · 16/02/2017 07:13

I've asked that question too.

saoirse31 · 16/02/2017 07:16

I dont think I'd talk to the teacher because of your mother, why would you? If the teacher is happy, which u can assume she is as she hadn't spoken to you about dd, then why do you need to?

I'd find your mothers attitude very hard to take tbh. Coming from a position of love? I dont know, your dgd loves it, teacher has no problem. Yet she takes her out cos of her assumptions about other parents views...I'm seeing embarrassment more than love tbh...

Becles · 16/02/2017 07:19

OP can you answer a few questions?

Is your DD paying to attend the class?

If she is, have you at any point spoken with the teacher about her SN and possible needs?

Since your mother saw things differently to you, are you going to check in with the teacher so that you can see how things are going from her perspective and agree how best to support DD or for the teacher to raise any concerns as they come up?

FindoGask · 16/02/2017 07:29

"I dont think I'd talk to the teacher because of your mother, why would you? "

Because then the teacher might be able to reassure the OP's mother that there's no need for her to take OP''s daughter out of the class for the reasons she is doing. OP isn't actually there so she has no control over the situation. The teacher is the one who will have the best perspective and the only one who can really intervene (if intervention is necessary).

BertrandRussell · 16/02/2017 07:37

I would be concerned that the teacher might be worried about whether she is doing the right things with your dd or not. Surely you don't just expect people to know by instinct the best way to teach someone with particular needs? What if she inadvertently says or does something that upsets your dd? That would be awful for everyone.

UserReuser · 16/02/2017 08:57

I find it a strange question, why wouldn't I pay for my daughter? Would anyone expect free dance because of sn?

This isn't school, I'm not expecting anyone to crack out a visual timetable. My dd is quite normal in many ways, she's not a danger who's going to run at someone. She never approaches people, she keeps to her own space, she moves slowly and she doesn't climb things. The poster who is a gym coach is imagining a whole different scenario to your village hall basic kids activities! Dd is also unusually tiny, I think people are imagining asd always means a huge risk.

Maybe one day she'll get a bit upset, I've seen other kids upset occasionally too.

I'm quite grateful the teacher is so normal with her! Sometimes it's all that's needed, calmness and time. Dd would be quite freaked out at this stage by an adult focusing on her (maybe when she's older it will work). She looks as cool as a cucumber and quite capable of talking to e, as I said she often makes passing remarks that are positive. I've actually had her take me aside to talk when my son when through a brief chatty phase so I could talk to him about it.

I've had loads of lovely answers, thank you. I think I've given enough detail now. I probably wouldn't reply more because there's a few bits that have got a little silly

OP posts: