Aibu, row with mum regarding dd with sn being removed "for the sake of others"

[UserReuser]

Dd is autistic, BUT loves ballet. Quite obsessed with watching it on you tube, mirrors dance very well, actually looks rather good. If you put on classic FM she will dance beautifully in time and with real expression and variety.

DS goes to ballet and DD has been amazed and wanted to, so I take her now. Obviously she doesn't follow a lot, but she loves it despite the struggle and is quite desperate to get out the door to it (otherwise hates leaving the house at all).

She is generally mute and doesn't touch others so I'd not seen an issue. Teacher is pretty decent. Basically when they all get up to dance dd joins in, can get a tad confused but smiles a lot. When they sit dd stays at a distance twirling etc. There were meltdowns early on but now she is content mostly and even goes in alone. Teacher leaves her to it it really.

My mum has had to take her for a few weeks due to appointments I have, I've been a bit upset to hear mum takes her out once she is unfocused. So at least missing two thirds. She says it's not fair on others, dd giggles or vocalises quietly at times but generally it's just movement when they should be still. Dd has made massive massive progress to join in to the extent she does and I feel she is now withdrawing again. We've been asked to leave other local activities due to her behaviour (ballet she is calmer). Dd is generally being hard work right now and I don't think she's liked being taken out and is kicking back

Other parents haven't said anything, they generally smile at us and don't glare daggers or anything! The teacher is chilled, I'd guess she knows someone with asd as she's so good, feedbacks if she makes eye contact or follloes an instruction quite pleasantly though we've never had a proper chat. Some children do need extra refocusing when dd is there due to her movement and ways, though this is just mild verbal reminders. They are pretty young so nothing unusual I would have thought. One finds it a bit more difficult not to watch dd, but still joins in ( and would possibly be distracted by anything at all)

Mum is good with her generally, but we've just had quite a row over this. Mum feels over parents are paying and playgroup is better, I think she's both making progress she doesn't make elsewhere plus she loves it so why not indulge her. Mum reckons I am not aware enough, I reckon I may as well take her until the level tops out or she doesn't enjoy it.

As it's aibu

• she doesn't touch others

-she doesn't generally talk at all -her movements can be quite silly, but largely it's dancing quietly

So, what do others do? Would you care as much as my mum reckons?

Blimey - I would have thought ballet was ideal for a little girl with autism and a thing for it! It will give her so many opportunities to learn things she wouldn't want to do otherwise.

A good ballet teacher is usually good at giving instructions in the right order and giving clear demonstration of how it is done. And positive feedback.

I would go to the teacher, tell her what a marvellous job she has done so far and how much you dd loves it and it calms her. Then say you are concerned about your DM taking her out and the disruption to your dd (and the others - it must be more of a disruption your DM taking her out than have her twirling in the background when they are used to it ), then ask her what her limits are and how you can work together to improve it.

I am sure your DD will gradually learn the sitting etc in the appropriate places. As they do more, the classes get more structured so she will know what she does when, which will help.

Do what you can to keep her doing it. Embrace the inner ballerina in her!!

I must sound really moany saying that! But it took me years to complain to the CC!

Yes, perhaps go along with your Mum? That way she can follow your lead and see that DD is having a lovely time. Good idea for you to chat together with the class teacher, it sounds as though she's more than happy to have your DD there so may put your Mum at ease so that she can start to enjoy it too. Sounds as though it would be such a shame to stop.

I think that chatting to the teacher will help - not to ask her if DD can stay, but to outline to her the nature of her particular SN in order that the teacher can be aware of any potential situations that might cause your daughter distress.

It will also reinforce to your DM that if Teacher is happy, and parents are happy then there is no issue and if there is a remaining issue its that she's got an issue with your DD's SN. Which is a bigger issue.

Keep DD in the class. Chat to Teacher. Tell DM to cop on.

Your mum is wrong.

Dd & DS have asd's. Dd is at a full time dance school, she's been there since 11.

DS has had various lead & ensemble roles in musical theatre shows.

Performing arts can be a game changer for these children.

Your dd is really enjoying it. The teacher does not have a problem with it. No way would I take her out. Sorry but your mum needs to be more supportive of her gd.
Well done to you for pushing for you little girl.
Bless her! Play groups etc should be more aware and understanding that not every child is the same. Poor little thing, keep her in her dancing. You and the teacher are supportive and fine with it and that's the main thing. It's your mum's problem, that she should work on for her GD.

You've had so much wonderful advice here that I'm sure you don't need mine too, but just wanted to add that you shouldn't listen to your mother and that the teacher sounds wonderful. Keep going!

I think that it's lovely that your daughter has found something that gives her so much pleasure.

As for your mother, I suspect that this is more about her than it is about your daughter. As long as the teacher and the other pupils don't have a problem with your DD, and they don't seem to, I'd let her continue with her dancing.

Do what's best for yourself and for your daughter. Your mother will just have to suck it up.

Late to the thread but mums don't realise that diversity is now tolerated!
There is less pressure on children to be perfect robotic clones of each other. Two children can do a class and get different but still valuable things out of same class

I mean, mums like my mum. She is in her early 70s

Keep taking her. She loves it. She isn't spoiling it for anyone else.

Shit for her that there isn't anything much for her to do. Would she like horse riding? It's expensive but certainly any riding school I know of would be tolerant of her needs.

The dance school where I took DGD had a strict rule - no parents in the studio.It took children from 2 if not in nappies. There was a mini cafe in reception for parents and siblings who wanted to wait on the premises.
Clearly this wouldn't be right for your DD but it would have kept MIL out of the studio!
DD sounds delightful, as does DS, and I hope she continues to enjoy her dancing. I'd no idea some many centres and activities weren't inclusive.
I taught Y3 in a mainstream junior school which was genuinely inclusive. IThe class included a child with serious mental and physical disabilities who couldn't walk or speak and was sometimes noisy, but we coped. The class and the school, as a result of inclusivity, was an especially kind, caring and adaptable place. Everyone learnt from having children who were 'different' in school. After all, everyone is different, aren't we?

Is DS older or younger than DD? At my DD ballet school they have happily accommodated a girl with special needs who sounds very similar to your DD. As another poster suggested having an older student in the class helped. She didn't progress up the grades with her peers but has gone up a class although the children are still a lot younger than her. She was included fully in any shows and as she is older than her class mates had a short featured role on stage with her teenage buddy during their dance which was so beautiful to watch. It sounds like the teacher is doing a great job ad perhaps the best time to have a discussion is if any exams are mentioned.If there are any concerns a teenage buddy may be the answer (they normally get a free dance lesson for helping and it looks good on their CV)

Is it possible your daughter behaves differently when your mum takes her?

I also went to several very inclusive primary schools which I think only benefited me and broadened my awareness in various ways, so I agree about the point that if it's practical including your dd will benefit the other children.

Your mum is being massively unreasonable. The teacher is managing your dd, therefore, there is no need for her to be taken out. For what it's worth, I taught a boy with ASD and an elective mute GCSE Drama. He didn't speak, so the chances of him passing the course were minimal. But, he loved the subject and really loved the lessons. The school warned me that allowing him to take the subject when he was unlikely to pass would affect my results that my pay was measured against. But he loved it. It was totally worth it and I loved teaching him. He got a grade, much to everyone's surprise, but, more importantly, he spent 2 years doing something he loved 3 times a week.

I'm sure if your DD was being a distraction then the teacher would have mentioned it - or the other parents. Your DM is being a killjoy.

Sorry to hear your mum isn't up for it.

Teacher sounds fab, you too Whatsername .

DS has ASD, and I can totally relate to your lack of desire to raise it with the teacher. I am horrified at your experiences with the gym - who would ever imagine that was an appropriate thing to do?!?

Your DM is very wrong, I'm so pleased you've found such a lovely ballet teacher and that you DD is doing something she loves.

That's lovely whatsername17, my DS has ASD and he used to love the Saturday drama class he went to, my DD later joined too though it was really DS' thing. They never appeared to take themselves too seriously, productions were typically chaotic.

The class was split into 2 groups by age, DS had hoped to move into the bigger group in Yr 6 but didn't and was really excited the first class back after he went to High school at the thought of jointing the older group, when I turned up to collect him he was clearly upset and he said he hadn't been allowed to join the older group though no other secondary school child was in the younger one.

When I questioned it I was told that they thought he wouldn't be able to keep up with the 'work', I remember the feeling of shock and shame as I realised that this was just because of his ASD.

I took him home and he went to bed and cried, I withdrew both him and DD from the class and demanded our fees back. I still can't forgive the heartless bastards.

Sauvignon, that's awful. In a weird may not dressing it up and being rudely asked to leave is easier- you can just give them a bit of your mind.

I've got a solution for next week, another mum will take dd.

Your Mum is embarrassed by your DD - sorry - and overly concerned about what other parents might think. I think your DCs should skip ballet whilst you are having treatment and I think you should carefully consider how much your children are left in the care of your mother.

I think if the other parents minded then children would leave and the teacher would mention it to you. As it hasn't happened I would assume that everyone okay about it.

Im going to guess the op isn't paying for her dd to be in the lessons as she doesn't appear to of answered that question.

If you where paying for her to take part and haven't been pulled aside about your dd then I think your mum ibu.

However if you are not paying the teacher may well just be too scared to say anything incase that means losing a good dancer in your ds.

Sounds like DM has the attitude of a different generation where children with SN were kept separate. Parents and children nowadays understand that children who have their own ways can join in a class without problems if everyone is a bit flexible. Try to avoid letting DM take her if she can't cope with seeing dd not conforming.

It sounds like an excellent resource for your DD. Most parents I know with children with autism (I'm a teacher in a special school) would love for their children to be able to mirror/copy someone else; it's the key to learning!

You don't describe your DD's level of need (and you don't have to, that's not a criticism) but what an amazing 'in' to teach her all sorts of things!

Keep her in. She's not doing any harm. She's not disturbing anyone. No one is complaining. She's learning and growing.