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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu, row with mum regarding dd with sn being removed "for the sake of others"

145 replies

UserReuser · 15/02/2017 11:46

Dd is autistic, BUT loves ballet. Quite obsessed with watching it on you tube, mirrors dance very well, actually looks rather good. If you put on classic FM she will dance beautifully in time and with real expression and variety.

DS goes to ballet and DD has been amazed and wanted to, so I take her now. Obviously she doesn't follow a lot, but she loves it despite the struggle and is quite desperate to get out the door to it (otherwise hates leaving the house at all).

She is generally mute and doesn't touch others so I'd not seen an issue. Teacher is pretty decent. Basically when they all get up to dance dd joins in, can get a tad confused but smiles a lot. When they sit dd stays at a distance twirling etc. There were meltdowns early on but now she is content mostly and even goes in alone. Teacher leaves her to it it really.

My mum has had to take her for a few weeks due to appointments I have, I've been a bit upset to hear mum takes her out once she is unfocused. So at least missing two thirds. She says it's not fair on others, dd giggles or vocalises quietly at times but generally it's just movement when they should be still. Dd has made massive massive progress to join in to the extent she does and I feel she is now withdrawing again. We've been asked to leave other local activities due to her behaviour (ballet she is calmer). Dd is generally being hard work right now and I don't think she's liked being taken out and is kicking back

Other parents haven't said anything, they generally smile at us and don't glare daggers or anything! The teacher is chilled, I'd guess she knows someone with asd as she's so good, feedbacks if she makes eye contact or follloes an instruction quite pleasantly though we've never had a proper chat. Some children do need extra refocusing when dd is there due to her movement and ways, though this is just mild verbal reminders. They are pretty young so nothing unusual I would have thought. One finds it a bit more difficult not to watch dd, but still joins in ( and would possibly be distracted by anything at all)

Mum is good with her generally, but we've just had quite a row over this. Mum feels over parents are paying and playgroup is better, I think she's both making progress she doesn't make elsewhere plus she loves it so why not indulge her. Mum reckons I am not aware enough, I reckon I may as well take her until the level tops out or she doesn't enjoy it.

As it's aibu

  • she doesn't touch others
-she doesn't generally talk at all -her movements can be quite silly, but largely it's dancing quietly

So, what do others do? Would you care as much as my mum reckons?

OP posts:
SideOfFoot · 15/02/2017 12:53

As a parent with no experience of special needs I would not have a problem with your DD at all The only thing I would think is well done for trying and getting involved.

Olympiathequeen · 15/02/2017 12:53

Your mum is BU. If DD is happy and accepted, and any silly behaviour is accepted by the class and the teacher, your mum should leave her alone.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/02/2017 12:55

Your Mum sounds ashamed and judgemental, probably obsessed with 'appearances' unfortunately. The sort of person who creates tension that makes others feel uncomfortable, where they didn't before. Does she realise that behaving this way makes her appear far worse, to the other parents, than being more relaxed, inclusive and proud of her gd? Does she really want to be known as 'that woman who's ashamed of her own lovely granddaughter?'

I'd talk to the teacher, just to make contact and recognise her good practice so far. So she knows you're approachable.

Daisypopslop · 15/02/2017 12:56

Would not bother me at all. My toddler was too lively for ballet ( my fault I took a just turned 2 year old) I took her out as she was over excited running around madly etc and it was just embarrassing. It was my stress only, the other parents found it amusing. I find parents of young children rarely judge others as we have good and bad days plus they are watching their own children not yours. Your DD isn't harming anyone and if she enjoys it and has any progress just take her!

UserReuser · 15/02/2017 12:57

The can hold my own those who are cross about leaving classes... the gym manager who marched in, pointed and loudly said 'gymnastics isn't suitable for children like THAT' 3 min into class when DD cried and flapped at a sudden tough rough touch (plonked in a bar with no verbal warning as part of an explanation wtf) didn't get me slinking out quietly in embarrassment

OP posts:
AnnieNeedsAMacBook · 15/02/2017 12:58

Love - do not take her out.

As you say, others are only too willing to ask you to leave groups if there is 'an issue' (uncompromising bastards usually), so I'm sure if it was a problem the teacher would say something. Either the other parents don't mind, or she has told them the choice is theirs to stay & accept DD's slightly distracting ways or leave. They're small children, not the Royal Ballet or even a serious grade.

There are, sadly, very few opportunities for children who have SN to join in activities...don't deny her this because of your Mum's attitude (my Mum would be the same).

Is there anyway you could find a babysitter or a friend who would take her when you have appointments? If you were my friend I'd happily take her for you if you had a hospital apt.

kingpin20 · 15/02/2017 13:01

bumsexatthebingo of course she shouldn't have to assume that her DD isn't welcome because of her SN. But the point of the post is that her mother feels clearly uncomfortable with DD's behaviour which she sees (and assumes other people would see) as disruptive for everyone else.

So regardless of whether the DD has sn or not, if you have a child that may be being seen as disruptive for whatever reason, it would be best to just confirm with the teacher that actually its absolutely fine for her to remain in the class when this happens. The teacher sounds like she is totally fine with it, but obviously the OPs interpretation of this could be different to what the mother is seeing perhaps which is what is making her uncomfortable. So its for peace of mind for the OP.

AnnieNeedsAMacBook · 15/02/2017 13:07

Oh and if you really have no other choice then you need to tell your Mum to stop taking her Grandaughter out of ballet to avoid her own discomfort. Tell her it is not as issue for DD to 'do her own thing' and you have sorted it with the teacher.

Then I'd ring the teacher, apologise for your Mum and tell her that DD loves going & gets so much out of it, that you appreciate the teacher accommodating DD & that you only have your Mum take her when you have a hospital appointment. That your Mum might approach her about it, but to please just tell her that it's between you and the teacher.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/02/2017 13:07

In the absence of an issue that places herself or other people at risk of haram she should stay and enjoy.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/02/2017 13:08

Sorry harm

BitOutOfPractice · 15/02/2017 13:10

The teacher has no problem. The other parents have no problem. You have no problem. Most importantly your DD has no problem. I cannot imagine why your mother does OP

Don't even think about removing her. I bet the teacher loves to see her dance. Hell, I'd love to see her dance.

fairyqueen · 15/02/2017 13:14

Watch this inspiring video. A child with Downs Syndrome appearing in a professional video. Made me cry!!

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 15/02/2017 13:18

OP, you and your daughter sound great. Can I suggest looking u to Special Olympics? I volunteer with them, any and all athletes are welcome, and I think it includes dance.

Your mum is definitely BU.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 15/02/2017 13:18

At not u to

chickensarethebest · 15/02/2017 13:18

User - DS2 learnt to swim in a NT class, learnt to skate in a NT group - both when he was largely non-verbal. He did have a teenager attached (someone chosen by the teachers) to be his special buddy. Would that work with your DD? It meant he could be safely left to his "own" devices i.e. given time out to deal with everything at his own pace and be included when he was up for it. With swimming, he also had a couple of one-to-one sessions - mostly to teach him to put his face in the water i.e. when something was really hard but very important to the activity. Please keep the dancing going - it sounds like it gives something very special to your DD.

MrsTarzan1 · 15/02/2017 13:21

I can see your mums point of view, but I think as long as other parents or the teacher aren't bothered by her, then it's fine for her take part.

sabzii · 15/02/2017 13:24

It must be really hard, and I hope she can continue with ballet.

Is it possible your mum has picked up on something, for example the teacher looking irritated or other children getting more distracted than usual?

As your mum's doing you a favour, I think it's up to her how she handles things during the class. You can ask her not to take DD aside, but on the day it's her judgement. She is reading the cues in your absence, and if she feels DD's behaviour is affecting others that's her call.

I agree with pps, talk to the teacher with your mum present and hopefully the teacher will say everything's fine, no need to take her out etc. But if she says it's not fine, I think you should respect that, eg could there be certain times during the class when DD needs more input from you?

PerspicaciaTick · 15/02/2017 13:29

Is this about your DD's needs, the needs of the teacher and the rest of the class or about your mum being embarrassed?

VestalVirgin · 15/02/2017 13:32

So she doesn't touch, isn't nasty to other children, but just does weird things, and no one has complained?

Let her stay.

When I was a kid I had to put up with way worse than just weird giggling from one girl, and the parents of bullies never see fit to remove their children from any activities for the sake of others.

This is the one thing your daughter enjoys. I'd be more worried about other children starting to bully her than about her being a nuisance to others, to be honest.

dailymaillazyjournos · 15/02/2017 13:32

If the teacher is happy then I'd just carry on. DD sounds like she loves it and is obviously benefiting from going, which is great. Presumably she's not planning on auditioning for the Royal Ballet where it would make a difference whether her plie in 4th position was coming along nicely. The main thing for anything like ballet, gym or whatever, is that it's enjoyable. If her focus is a bit hit and miss, it doesn't matter one bit.

penguincrumble · 15/02/2017 13:33

Ballet sounds amazing as well as the teacher and I wouldn't take her out if you can avoid it.

Are there many gymnastics classes near you because there's a boy in our class with SEN and the teachers are totally happy to have him. He does much more screaming and running about than it sounds like your DD does and it's no problem.

chocatoo · 15/02/2017 13:35

Seems a shame to fall out with your Mum about it - whilst I completely understand that you are concerned about 'rocking the boat', could you approach the teacher together maybe and both have a chat with her? I'm sure the teacher will be able to put both your minds at rest and encourage your Mum to leave your DD in class for longer. It would be good if your Mum is able to enjoy them being at the class as much as your kids do.

BertrandRussell · 15/02/2017 13:42

And I would be challenging the Children's Centre too.......

UserReuser · 15/02/2017 13:43

Bertrand I sent the children's centre a formal email complaint as well as speaking to them, and followed it up. 2 months in awaiting reply still...

OP posts:
Shockers · 15/02/2017 13:44

Sorry if I'm being dim... I have searched through previous posts for the answer.

Is your DD joining in with DS's lessons, or is she a paying member of the group?

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