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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH was being passive aggressive rather than sweet?

75 replies

CircleofWillis · 14/02/2017 09:52

I work 5 days a week and take out DD to early morning clubs on Saturday so I rarely get to sleep in past 6.30. DH and I both appreciate our rest and he gets to sleep in every Saturday and I occasionally get a Sunday lie in if our 3 yr old DD allows it. I am off work for a few days for half term and was up late Sunday and last night with our DD (think 1pm and 11pm) as he was feeling unwell. This morning he woke me up at 7.30 to say Happy Valentine's Day. I was fast asleep and he just poked my cheek until I woke up. He claims he thought he was being sweet but he knows once I'm awake I can't get back to sleep. I ended up getting up 10 minutes later and made breakfast for us both as a gesture to his trying to be sweet. He was able to go back to sleep until 9. While I have just been up tidying and fuming. We have been arguing recently about childcare and chores. I work full time while he only works a few evenings a week and yet insists we split childcare 50/50. So I have to hire childcare for half the day and then do nearly every evening. Then I have to do most of the household chores when I get back from work. I want to let it go and accept it was just an innocent mistake but I can't help feeling annoyed. (BTW he would pribably say he works more than 3 evenings a week as he is a musician - however as it does not bring in any income and he does not work on this every day or even every week I find it hard to think of it as more than a hobby).

OP posts:

BestZebbie · 14/02/2017 09:56

He may have been thoughtless, or he may have been scheming, who knows?

You should probably insist that from now on you do not get disturbed during the night on Saturday night or woken up before 9am on Sunday for anything less than a housefire though. :-)

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 14/02/2017 09:56

Think I would have decided it was bed change day and stripped the bed so he couldn't get back into bed!

CookieLady · 14/02/2017 09:56

I'd be livid. It's not sweet nor romantic. How dare he then go back to sleep? Stop doing al the chores. Tell him to either get a job which pays money or do the housework.

saffysafffest · 14/02/2017 09:59

YANBU I have a very similar DH. He blindly insists, even when presented with all evidence to the contrary, that he does half of the childcare. Like you, I also find it hard to go back to sleep once I am awake and this angers me terribly when I get woken up needlessly.

I have been drawing a line in the sand recently. I told him he was delusional for thinking he did anything close to what I do. Was met with terrible offence and insistence on me apologising (which I refused to do.) 24 hours of silence and he is picking up the slack and being more considerate. If you give specific and detailed examples, like the cheek prodding and the early wake up, he will have change in the future or he looks like an openly agggressive person (the last thing a PA person wants to seem like.)

The only trouble with that is you have to keep giving specific examples to make them stop their behaviour and then you become "nitpicky" and "controlling" in their eyes.

for you

Lariflete · 14/02/2017 09:59

If you can't get back to sleep still make him get up while you lie in bed and read / watch a film / do whatever you want.

Costacoffeeplease · 14/02/2017 10:00

In what way was that 'sweet'? He sounds like a complete dickhead

witsender · 14/02/2017 10:04

That wasn't sweet, it was him waking you up to make him.breakfast.

It is the least of your worries though...What would he do if you just didn't book and pay for childcare while he is twiddling his thumbs?

RNBrie · 14/02/2017 10:05

Ok so poking your cheek and denying you a bit of sleep is shit and annoying.

But refusing to do the childcare when he's not working so you have to pay someone? That's a lot more serious. A card on Valentines Day does not make up for 364 days of being a shit partner.

rollonthesummer · 14/02/2017 10:05

I'd be livid. It's not sweet nor romantic. How dare he then go back to sleep? Stop doing al the chores. Tell him to either get a job which pays money or do the housework. angry

This!

He sounds like a total cocklodging knob which is very unattractive!

Bloggybollocks · 14/02/2017 10:05

Doesn't really matter if he was being either does it? He's a lazy, workshy, cocklodger, who's sponging off you and doesn't even have the decency to make up for it by doing household chores or looking after his OWN child!
Seriously, you're happy with this set up? Don't you want more for yourself from a marriage? So he's a 'musician' how old is he 15?! I like making cakes but it doesn't make me Mary fucking berry.....
I think it's ultimatum time, unless of course you're happy to carry on and let your daughter grow up with this sterling example of manhood. Fingers crossed she too marries someone equally as dynamic....

Ilovecaindingle · 14/02/2017 10:05

So you pay for childcare while he is available to care for HIS OWN DC??

RedAndYellowStripe · 14/02/2017 10:18

It wasn't sweet at all and it sounds like the last straw on the Camel's back.

I'm as to why you are paying for childcare or always getting up for your DC during the night.
HW I can understand better but if you are left doing all the HW when you come back home, I do wonder if it s actually a 50/50 job.

I would have stayed in bed even if it was just to read or daydream and let him sort out b'fast.

Rachel0Greep · 14/02/2017 10:18

Not in the slightest bit sweet to deliberately wake you up. Sounds like there are a lot to things to be sorted out, including him getting his ass in gear.

Trifleorbust · 14/02/2017 10:21

You have to HIRE someone to care for your child when he works significantly less than you do and is available to do the caring? Does he sound sweet?

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2017 10:21

He lives off your earnings.
He refuses to care for his child.
He wakes you up on your only day you have a lie in.

How do you feel about him? Does he have a magic cock or something?

Trifleorbust · 14/02/2017 10:22

Separate finances as well?

YouHadMeAtCake · 14/02/2017 10:26

If my DH poked my cheek to wake me when I was sleep he'd be very sorry indeed. I hate being woken up unless it's to a coffee . It's not just the poking though is it , he sounds like a twat.

Fairenuff · 14/02/2017 10:26

I think you need to look at the word 'have' in your statement:

I work full time while he only works a few evenings a week and yet insists we split childcare 50/50. So I have to hire childcare for half the day and then do nearly every evening. Then I have to do most of the household chores when I get back from work.

There is no 'have' about it, these are choices that you are making.

How does he insist you split the childcare? What does that look like. Does he bully you, does he sulk, does he leave the house so that there is no childcare available?

I doubt it. I expect he just complains a bit and you go along with it. Stop being so passive and he will stop treating you like this.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

rollonthesummer · 14/02/2017 10:26

What positives does he bring to the family?

Ginslinger · 14/02/2017 10:30

I can't believe you pay for childcare when he could look after his own child - you have far greater problems than being woken up early

bluebeck · 14/02/2017 10:35

Cocklodger

Swap him for tax credits.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 14/02/2017 10:37

I would be so angry about this but really this isn't about him waking you early, it's about the fact that he refuses to stand up to his responsibilities as a partner and as a parent. I feel for you I really do and you need to stand up to this otherwise it's only going to get worse and you are going to be even unhappier.

Original poster

CircleofWillis · 14/02/2017 10:37

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) he isn't a Cocklodger. We don't have a mortgage and he has a family trust which pays all the household bills and gives him enough to play with which is why he can work so little. He bought the house before we met and so I only helped to pay off the last 4 years so it always feels like an imbalance when we are talking about finances. I pay petrol for the car, childcare and most luxuries. His trust pays ALL the bills and we share costs for holidays, food, clothes etc. I think in someways I feel as if I am the cocklodger (please replace with female equivalent). Which makes it hard to get my point across when we are discussing childcare, free time and household chores.

OP posts:

calicocat88 · 14/02/2017 10:37

This sounds crazy! So you work full time while he doesn't work at all (you said he doesn't get paid for his music, so this is NOT a job). He is basically then a stay at home parent... except that he doesn't parent when you are at work and you have to hire childcare!?!? AND he doesn't do the housework while you are at work? So what does he contribute??

I am sorry but this makes NO sense... it sounds like you have two children. He needs a reality check. You shouldn't put up with this!

calicocat88 · 14/02/2017 10:39

cross post!

He should be paying for the childminder too if he can't be bothered to spend time with his child. What a disgrace.

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