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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH was being passive aggressive rather than sweet?

75 replies

CircleofWillis · 14/02/2017 09:52

I work 5 days a week and take out DD to early morning clubs on Saturday so I rarely get to sleep in past 6.30. DH and I both appreciate our rest and he gets to sleep in every Saturday and I occasionally get a Sunday lie in if our 3 yr old DD allows it. I am off work for a few days for half term and was up late Sunday and last night with our DD (think 1pm and 11pm) as he was feeling unwell. This morning he woke me up at 7.30 to say Happy Valentine's Day. I was fast asleep and he just poked my cheek until I woke up. He claims he thought he was being sweet but he knows once I'm awake I can't get back to sleep. I ended up getting up 10 minutes later and made breakfast for us both as a gesture to his trying to be sweet. He was able to go back to sleep until 9. While I have just been up tidying and fuming. We have been arguing recently about childcare and chores. I work full time while he only works a few evenings a week and yet insists we split childcare 50/50. So I have to hire childcare for half the day and then do nearly every evening. Then I have to do most of the household chores when I get back from work. I want to let it go and accept it was just an innocent mistake but I can't help feeling annoyed. (BTW he would pribably say he works more than 3 evenings a week as he is a musician - however as it does not bring in any income and he does not work on this every day or even every week I find it hard to think of it as more than a hobby).

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 14/02/2017 11:19

It is not okay for him to make you do all the work for your child while he lazes about just because he is 'rich', OP. What sort of regard for you does that show? What sort of example is it for your child?

Original poster

CircleofWillis · 14/02/2017 11:26

Chloe I actually only get up 1 day a week with DD the other 5 days are for work.

Only - thinking about it, I reckon he was waking me up hoping for some early morning rumpy pumpy.

JoJo - you are right I did do it to myself. I find it hard to relax in a messy environment so tidied up in order to calm down. That is also the reason why I end up doing most of the chores. He is happy to sit in a messy room all day, leave dishes around and then head off to work. I would not be able to unwind in the mess and so clean up before I can rest for the day. I did try just leaving it for a week. He didn't care so it just mounted up. The argument we had about it resulted in us getting a cleaner once a week but as it doesn't bother him he doesn't see why he should turn the house into a "show home" just for me. (BTW it is far from being a show home - even tidied it is an overstuffed controlled mess).

I can see we need to have a talk. Far from being in each other's company too much we barely even see each other in the week. I think the mounting resentment on my part over the division of labour is souring our time together. I'm also fortified knowing that people don't necessarily think I am the female equivalent of a cock lodger as it is true the difference in our families' financial situations does give me pause when I am trying to make things more equitable. When I worked part time the 50/50 childcare made sense but now it just seems too rigid and I actually tend to turn down extra work or hours rather than start the heavy negotiation for him to provide cover.

ijustwanna - you hit the nail on the head when you said he is just like the main character in "about a boy". He is Hugh Grant before he learned empathy and how to put others before himself.

I might show him this thread. It will start an argument but it will probably get us to a place where we can start to discuss things properly. He is not a horrible person. I think he has just grown up learning to protect himself and hasn't learned that in a relationship you have to put the other person first and trust that they will put you first too.

OP posts:

DameDeDoubtance · 14/02/2017 11:31

You work so much harder than him, no wonder you're resentful. You are not in an equal partnership at all. As for poking you in the face until you woke up, what a dick.

ijustwannadance · 14/02/2017 11:32

It's not about protecting himself, it's about him being behaving like a bone idle teenager.

DameDeDoubtance · 14/02/2017 11:32

Don't show him the thread, you may need a source of support in the future.

Fairenuff · 14/02/2017 11:33

Don't show him this thread.

This is a great place for support and advice (especially if you might need it once you realise he won't change).

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 14/02/2017 11:36

I work full time while he only works a few evenings a week and yet insists we split childcare 50/50. So I have to hire childcare for half the day and then do nearly every evening. Then I have to do most of the household chores when I get back from work

WTF.

The waking-you-up is a total non issue in this particular case.

You need to look at the bigger picture which is shit.

Trifleorbust · 14/02/2017 11:37

show home

I hate this phrase. This is what lazy scruffs say as an excuse for not vacuuming or washing out the bath. Not tidying up after yourself and leaving everything to someone else is inconsiderate.

JaneJeffer · 14/02/2017 11:39

If DH woke me up like that there's no way I would make him breakfast. I wouldn't make him breakfast even if he let me sleep in anyway I would be hadi g off for a long nap this afternoon if I was you and let him do some childcare and chores.

Happyfeet1972 · 14/02/2017 11:47

If he's lucky enough to get money from a trust (I.e. money for fuck all) I can't understand why he wouldn't want that to benefit all of you rather than just him. You could have a very nice life with no mortgage and free money to pay the bills. You'd probably both only need to work 2-3 days a week and your DD wouldn't need childcare. But instead he has you working full time and run ragged the rest of the time? Fair enough if you want to work full time but then he could step up in other ways. It just seems like it's about him as an individual and not you as a family. He is in such a fortunate position, it would hurt me very much that he doesn't choose to use that position to make life better for you too.

Huldra · 14/02/2017 11:53

He pokes you until you wake, he goes back to sleep and gets up to a clean house and breakfast prepared

HyacinthsBucket · 14/02/2017 12:02

I used to go through this with DH - basically the kids and house were my responsibility, he worked and that was that. And I allowed him to get away with it for far too many years....... but the whole point is that I let it happen. Your DH is behaving in a way that you are enabling him to. He wasn't being remotely sweet this morning, he was actually making sure that you got up and did everything so he didn't have to. And you did it. Things will only change when you make them - it won't come from him and why would it when he's living the dream.............

Autumnsky · 14/02/2017 12:03

A slightly different view. From OP's origianl post, seems you put DD into childcare for only half days, so DH do look after DD for half days?I am not sure what your DH do on the half days that DD is in the childcare, does he need time for his musical career, like practicing , composition etc? As my DS1 only has music as hobby, he practices his instrument every day. OP's DH would need quiet time to do that, I can't see he does this with a 3 year old beside.

I think OP should consider part time work since your finance seems quite good. Looking after a 3 year old is very tiring.

For other things, like house work , you can just give instruction to DH to do some, he may not see the need to do it, but if you ask, he might do it.

Autumnsky · 14/02/2017 12:06

Lack of sleep is horrible thing, do communicate this with your DH, he may not know, as he doesn't suffer.

PovertyJetset · 14/02/2017 12:17

He sounds like a horribly selfish man child. FUCK that.

Original poster

CircleofWillis · 14/02/2017 12:22

Autumn, you are right DH is responsible for DD in the morning. It is actually far more complicated than this but I don't want do go into it as it would be identifying for friends and family.

OP posts:

FlowLikeAHarpoon · 14/02/2017 12:22

That's not sweet. My H works away for three days a week, and insists on waking me to say 'goodbye'. I have insomnia, and often cannot get back to sleep when he wakes me. I have asked him nicely, can we not just say goodbye the night before, and let me carry on sleeping. This really annoys him.

However, this morning, after I was very firm last night, he did not wake me. It was great!

(for the record, him working away is entirely his choice as he thinks he needs a 'cool' job with 'interesting' people, and refuses to try to work locally. It's not like he works away as a sacrifice - he says he would resent me forever if he couldn't go away).

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 14/02/2017 12:23

How did you not just snarl at him? Admittedly I'm bad in the morning anyway but if someone woke me up like that they would feel my wrath. And I can almost immediately go back to sleep!

Man10 · 14/02/2017 13:56

The only contribution he puts in is the trust money that he did nothing to earn, once you take that out of the equation he is the definition of a cocklodger.

Yes, once you subtract all the money of his that he contributes, he appears to contribute little money.

It's his money, regardless of how he comes by it, and it's fortunate the OP appears to appreciate it, because if she said things like this, I'd tell him to share it with someone who appreciated it more.

ShaniaTwang · 14/02/2017 14:23

I can only guess by the username - oh and the tone and the content - that we've just had the situation mansplained to us. Thanks man10!

Of course he's being a selfish, lazy, tit for tat arsehole. And I wouldn't show him this thread.

ShaniaTwang · 14/02/2017 14:26

You have to negotiate cover?! With someone who is the child's parent, who doesn't work very much, and this is ok how exactly?

Because this arsehole is gas lighting you.

I am fucking outraged on your behalf. You are not enabling this man in my view - you are being manipulated by a lazy, sex pest knob.

cansu · 14/02/2017 14:32

Take the finance out of it. Why are you doing all the chores in the evening?
Also surely if you pay for childcare while you are at work, shouldn't he do likewise for some of the evenings he is out? But then that would be ridiculous because who would pay for childcare when their partner is at home! Your arrangements sound a bit bonkers. It sounds like he is using the fact that he does not need to work financially to bully you into doing all the work in the evenings. The time you are both not at work needs to be split so that you have equal free time. Are you married? Do you have a share of this property? I hope so as otherwise you could walk away with nothing.

DownTownAbbey · 14/02/2017 14:52

Not sure what's in this relationship for you. You seem to feel guilty ( or like you have to play catchup) because he pays the bills / came with a ready paid roof. He seems only too happy to capitalise on your guilt. It seems to be the excepted thing in your relationship that you and your time is worth less than his because he's lucky enough to have a source of income he didn't have to do a stroke of work for. Then he feels entitled to steal your precious sleep in the hopes of getting a shag because his needs trump yours. He's a prince, isn't he?

EweAreHere · 14/02/2017 15:01

He's a total dick, but he's convinced you that you need to do more because his family has money.

Wow.

Please seek counselling. Your time and work is as important as his trust fund. His trust fund cannot watch the children; you cannot watch the children while you're at work; he CAN watch the children when he's not working and you are.

He just doesn't want to.

Seriously. Seek counselling. He's a dick and he's done your head in.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/02/2017 16:05

If DH woke me up like that there's no way I would make him breakfast.
Ah but OP fell for it and even if she felt manipulated later OH knew at the time it was likely to work.

CircleofWillis maybe initially his attributes and good qualities were enough to outweigh the less charming habits and tendency to let others do the grafting.
If you let him treat you like a domestic drudge that's not making yourself indispensable or cherished. It's saying I don't enjoy this but hey, I won't rock the boat.
Do talk to him but don't show him this thread.

There does seem to be a spike of similar threads around half term, maybe because normal routine is suspended and people pause to think, how did it get to this.

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