Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH was being passive aggressive rather than sweet?

75 replies

CircleofWillis · 14/02/2017 09:52

I work 5 days a week and take out DD to early morning clubs on Saturday so I rarely get to sleep in past 6.30. DH and I both appreciate our rest and he gets to sleep in every Saturday and I occasionally get a Sunday lie in if our 3 yr old DD allows it. I am off work for a few days for half term and was up late Sunday and last night with our DD (think 1pm and 11pm) as he was feeling unwell. This morning he woke me up at 7.30 to say Happy Valentine's Day. I was fast asleep and he just poked my cheek until I woke up. He claims he thought he was being sweet but he knows once I'm awake I can't get back to sleep. I ended up getting up 10 minutes later and made breakfast for us both as a gesture to his trying to be sweet. He was able to go back to sleep until 9. While I have just been up tidying and fuming. We have been arguing recently about childcare and chores. I work full time while he only works a few evenings a week and yet insists we split childcare 50/50. So I have to hire childcare for half the day and then do nearly every evening. Then I have to do most of the household chores when I get back from work. I want to let it go and accept it was just an innocent mistake but I can't help feeling annoyed. (BTW he would pribably say he works more than 3 evenings a week as he is a musician - however as it does not bring in any income and he does not work on this every day or even every week I find it hard to think of it as more than a hobby).

OP posts:
HappyFlappy · 14/02/2017 10:39

Think I would have decided it was bed change day and stripped the bed so he couldn't get back into bed!

This ^^^^^^^^^

Or taken him up a romantic celebratory glass of something fizzy (champagne, prosecco, dandelion and burdock . . . ) and "accidentally spilled it all over him and his side of the bed. (then turfed him out to change everything and dry off the mattress and duvet.)

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 14/02/2017 10:41

Ok @CircleofWillis thanks for the explanation. But the heart of this matter isn't about money - it's about stepping up to his responsibilities as a parent and partner (as I said before). Household chores and childcare are a shared responsibility and one that he is quite frankly taking the piss with. It's nothing whatsoever to do with the money.

Stormtreader · 14/02/2017 10:42

He is a cocklodger. The only contribution he puts in is the trust money that he did nothing to earn, once you take that out of the equation he is the definition of a cocklodger.
He puts in his trust money, you put in your wages, why is all the rest of it suddenly down to you?

RubyWinterstorm · 14/02/2017 10:42

It's only sweet if he'd also brought you a tea or coffee

MerryMarigold · 14/02/2017 10:44

Sounds like he's probably had quite a privileged life. Has he ever been any different? Why did you choose this man to have a child with?

Also, sounds like you are around each other far too much. Sheesh, my dh would get on my nerves if I was around him that much bank holidays are bad enough!

On another note, I wouldn't be taking a 3yo out for early morning 'clubs' on a Saturday, however amazing they were. I think you should designate Sat and Sun as your lie-in days and also divide up the 'rota' a bit more fairly. If you are both working equally on the external work/ childcare/ housework then it's fair. My dh works full time, I am a SAHM with a small p/t job, so I do most of the childcare/ child organisation and housework - though he does a lot of childcare when he comes in. I'd say he works harder than me tbh, but he wants to spend time with the kids.

fuzzywuzzy · 14/02/2017 10:45

Or hoover under the bed.

He sounds like a dick. If he has a trust you both contribute or childcare if he wants to put your children in childcare.

Stop feeling guilty about him being wealthier than you. Your married and have children together your finances are joint. You are a partnership not his skivvy.

I'd be vacuuming/doing drum lessons/letting dc into bedroom every single time he has a lie in.

He is lazy, entitled fucker why on earth are you making him breakfast? Poke him in the face and tell him how very very very romantic it was to be woken up like that and you're showing him how it feels.

Only1scoop · 14/02/2017 10:46

You work full time him a 'few evenings a week' and he 'insists' you split childcare 50/50

I bet he does

Sounds like he has the life of Riley

He wasn't 'being sweet'

He was waking you up to start the day and get him breakfast.

BlindAssassin1 · 14/02/2017 10:47

Musicians, that is real musicians or artists of any sort, need to work all god's hours, not just when the muse takes them. Its a hobby otherwise and nothing else.

Input into family life is not just about money, but time, quality of life, equal parenting, not just how much cash you throw at it all. I wouldn't not be happy with this set up.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 14/02/2017 10:49

OP I lost my parents so I had a largish inheritance. With that money we have extended the house etc. He works long hours and I work but look after the children. We are a team and help and support each other to make life good for both of us. We share as we are a family unit and we are raising children together.

Chloe84 · 14/02/2017 10:51

It's not your money or his money, it's your joint money.

If he doesn't see it that way, then he doesn't see you as his equal.

Why are you getting up 6 days per week with DD? That's not 50/50?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/02/2017 10:54

They have seperate finances so nobody is financially supporting anŷbody there is no mutual support stuff going on.

I don't see a problem with 50/50 childcare responsibility nor 50/50 housework responsibility.

Chloe84 · 14/02/2017 10:54

And he's a fucking arsehole to have woken you up. Poking you in the cheek?! And you made breakfast for him?! DH used to 'subtly' wake me up until I nearly roared his head off. Sleep is precious. He doesn't realise it because you enable his sleeping in.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/02/2017 10:55

I do see a problem with the timings of it not being worked out fairly

Allthebestnamesareused · 14/02/2017 10:56

You made him breakfast as a gesture ...

I would have had entirely a different gesture for him!

As pp have said a serious conversation needs to be had about "joint lives and joint finances"!

JoJoSM2 · 14/02/2017 10:56

Hm... If my husband woke me up that early, I'd probably send him off to bring me coffee and breakfast in bed. Followed by a lie-in reading and chatting. I can't understand why you got up and started doing housework - don't try to blame it on him as you did it yourself. Also, it would be good for you to work on being a more couply couple - you don't sound like a team but quite competitive.

ijustwannadance · 14/02/2017 10:56

Do you make him breakfast every day too? Is that why he really woke you up.

If he has no paid employment, because lets face it why would he bother when everything is handed to him on a plate, what the fuck does he actually do all day, everyday whist he does no childcare or housework???!!##*=;.!×÷

Sounds like Hugh Grant's character in About a Boy!

Rubyslippers7780 · 14/02/2017 10:57

The imbalance in financial background should not cloud your opinion on if he is being a proper partner and father. He might not have to work but why are you being the only adult in the relationship when it comes to responsibilities? I think you need an open and honest conversation with him. This situation will only get worse. Your relationship is incredibly unbalanced - financially you should be a team, parental responsibility and organisationally. Why are you running about doing good everything? What message does this give your child?

BeIIatrixLeStrange · 14/02/2017 10:57

Don't be a dick - fuck him off. You are the one allowing this to happen

Cakingbad · 14/02/2017 10:57

I don't like the sound of him poking you in the face until you woke up. Nasty and weird. Do you love him?

Cakingbad · 14/02/2017 10:58

Hugh Grant's character didn't poke his gf in the face.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 14/02/2017 10:59

He sounds like an entitled little shit. He contributes nothing to your household, his money is his families money which he hasn't earned. I couldn't be with a person like that, I just couldn't. Selfish, lazy twat.

Pinbasket · 14/02/2017 11:10

This sounds like the straw that broke the camels back! He's taking the piss- all the time!

Only1scoop · 14/02/2017 11:12

Oh Dear you almost sound grateful to him

You certainly aren't a cunt lodger.

Werkzallhourz · 14/02/2017 11:13

Op, I think you are in a two-speed marriage that is fundamentally going to crack further down the line.

You are living a radically different life to your DH. You work full time, are responsible for most of the childcare, and do most of the housework. In contrast, your Dh works three evenings a week, has his lifestyle funded by another party and does not have his day to day life constrained by the requirements of childcare or chores.

I think the set up you are in is profoundly unbalanced and can only cause tensions in the future. I am not surprised you feel annoyed.

If you think it would be possible to sit down with your Dh and show him how unbalanced the situation is, and achieve something positive from that, then I'd go for it. If not, then I think you'd have to be a far more tolerant woman than I to put up with this for the foreseeable future.

kingpin20 · 14/02/2017 11:17

I'm really confused. I think the thing here I can't grasp is that you put your child into childcare when your partner is at home and able to look after him/her? Regardless of who brings what in financially, this is just plain wrong. For the child. Does he actually see himself as a dad? or is this child an inconvenience for him? Im astounded.
Who cares if he has a bloody trust fund. He has a child to help look after. Imagine what that child will feel when he/she grows up and realises daddy could have spent time with them but CHOSE not to.

Swipe left for the next trending thread