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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is rude and cheap?

101 replies

millymaid · 13/02/2017 13:57

Last night I was on the phone with my SIL, because we’re going to visit my MIL next week, and since they are nearby, we’d like to see her and her family too.

Surprisingly, she invited us over for dinner, which I was delighted to accept. This would be the second or third time we’ve been invited to her house in the 29 years that I’ve been married. My teenage DC has never been to their house, that’s how long it’s been.

Then about 20 minutes later she called back and talked to DH this time, and explained that actually it would be better if we met up in a pub instead, he of course agreed and then also said it would be our treat because it’s nearly SIL’s birthday.

So I’m thinking WTF??????? How did a dinner invitation turn into us buying lunch for 10 people? (our combined families) It’s so rude and cheap. If they don’t feel like they can manage dinner, why not tea and cake or a glass of wine and nibbles?

We often host holiday and family occasions, including lots of overnight stays, their kids have all stayed with us for a few days here and there for various reasons. I love their company, and I like hosting, but I would really love to be a guest sometimes. To me it feels like she’s saying - you’re so unimportant to us that I can’t even be bothered to stick the kettle on for you, and I really don't want you inside my home.

We are a bit better off than they are financially, and that’s always the excuse my DH makes for them, but they are hardly destitute, they both have good full time jobs. AIBU? I come from a culture in which hospitality, family and feeding people is really important, so maybe I'm taking this personally, and it really isn't meant that way.

OP posts:

Fackorf · 13/02/2017 13:59

Maybe her home is an embarrassing shithole.

Sirzy · 13/02/2017 14:00

If I read it right your dh offered to pay? So I don't see how that makes your sil rude or cheap.

AuntiePenguin · 13/02/2017 14:02

I'm confused. You seem annoyed at your Sil, but it was your DH who offered to buy them lunch? How is this your sil's fault?

Leaving that to one side, I don't think it's rude to not invite people home. Some people just don't like having anybody else in their space. We invite people over maybe 3/4 times a year in total, and we always find it stressful and need lots of time to prepare and unwind, it's just not something easy for us. It's not a judgment on our friends or family, it's a personal feelingof not liking anybody else in our home. So you shouldn't take that personally.

expatinscotland · 13/02/2017 14:04

Maybe they are so poor their house is a shithole. And your DH offered to pay.

llhj · 13/02/2017 14:07

They're users. They've offered one piece of hospitality in 20 years while you've offered innumerable occasions. Stop giving.

gamerchick · 13/02/2017 14:07

Why did he offer to pay? Are they manipulating types?

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2017 14:08

Your issue is with your dh who offered to pay! He should have closed his mouth!

SittingWithMyFeetUP12 · 13/02/2017 14:08

I'm afraid her house is a mess...and this is why you arent invited...(my house is slightly less than tidy, so I speak from experience :-)
She probably loves you all dearly if thats any consolation !!

TwitterQueen1 · 13/02/2017 14:11

I think she may be afraid of you being judgy.

MatildaTheCat · 13/02/2017 14:13

My dad had a sister similar to this. He never got past the front door,she always met him ( very rare) somewhere else. He always paid.

After her death it transpired that the house was just like one you see on tv. Whole rooms closed off due to hoarding.

Her issue may be something else but she just can't deal with guests. I would get over it and move on. Your dh is an idiot for offering to pay unless he truly wants to in which case I would be irritated but it's up to him.

If you like them as people accept the status quo. There is some reason for it.

MargotLovedTom1 · 13/02/2017 14:14

Yes, the DH should have kept his trap shut, but the SIL didn't have to accept! I would feel bad allowing someone to pay for a meal for my family when I'd never once showed them the same kindness, or even made them a cup of tea. It's all very one sided and that would piss me off!

ScarlettFreestone · 13/02/2017 14:15

I would assume that she's been told by her DH to withdraw the invitation.

If you all get along reasonably well but you have hardly ever been to their house then that would imply that something is wrong in that family.

reuset · 13/02/2017 14:17

Do you have any idea why they're like this? Is it likely to have come from her dh?

Kiroro · 13/02/2017 14:20

but the SIL didn't have to accept

God don;t be so English. It is incredibly lame to be offended because someone accepted something that you offered! FFS. Either offer something and MEAN it or don't offer. Don't sit there with a lemon sucking face because someone had the terrible manners to say "yes please" to something you offered!

AuntiePenguin · 13/02/2017 14:24

If somebody offered to take me out as my birthday treat I'd say thank you and accept, not conduct a quick mental tally of all exchanges of hospitality in the past. Can't see what sil has done wrong here.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 13/02/2017 14:28

I think she may be afraid of you being judgy.

I did wonder this.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 13/02/2017 14:28

I think she may be afraid of you being judgy.

I did wonder this.

OverTheGardenGate · 13/02/2017 14:31

To me it feels like she’s saying - you’re so unimportant to us that I can’t even be bothered to stick the kettle on for you, and I really don't want you inside my home

I think some people just don't enjoy hosting. I don't. I'm always anxious whether it will be good enough, or taste ok, and all the faff and bother of getting everything prepared, and having to break off conversations while I check things are going ok. I enjoy cooking for a couple of very close friends who I know won't judge - but if it was relatives I don't see very often I'd far rather go out to a pub where I will be able to enjoy the food and company stress free with no pressure - on an equal footing as it were.

I wouldn't mind DH offering to pay either, so long as it was within our means. I think maybe you are reading things into this that aren't there.

rollonthesummer · 13/02/2017 14:33

Why did your DH offer to pay?

MargotLovedTom1 · 13/02/2017 14:34

Kiroro eh? The OP didn't offer.

Auntie maybe we're different then. I wouldn't take the piss. I wouldn't renege on the invitation to my house either.

FetchezLaVache · 13/02/2017 14:35

I would assume that she's been told by her DH to withdraw the invitation.

That would be my assumption too, hence ringing back 20 minutes later.

2014newme · 13/02/2017 14:36

Your dh offered. Uour issue is with him. You could have met them at the pub without paying for everyone.

OverTheGardenGate · 13/02/2017 14:39

I would assume that she's been told by her DH to withdraw the invitation

That would be my assumption too, hence ringing back 20 minutes later

Maybe because there are a dozen household jobs that need doing before the house is fit for visitors.

Kiroro · 13/02/2017 14:40

Kiroro eh? The OP didn't offer.
Her DH did!

MargotLovedTom1 · 13/02/2017 14:40

Have just read your post again Kiroro and I'm not so politely 'English' that I can't tell you that it's a load of fucking shit. Your post doesn't even make sense, whether you're having a go at me or the OP.

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