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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is rude and cheap?

101 replies

millymaid · 13/02/2017 13:57

Last night I was on the phone with my SIL, because we’re going to visit my MIL next week, and since they are nearby, we’d like to see her and her family too.

Surprisingly, she invited us over for dinner, which I was delighted to accept. This would be the second or third time we’ve been invited to her house in the 29 years that I’ve been married. My teenage DC has never been to their house, that’s how long it’s been.

Then about 20 minutes later she called back and talked to DH this time, and explained that actually it would be better if we met up in a pub instead, he of course agreed and then also said it would be our treat because it’s nearly SIL’s birthday.

So I’m thinking WTF??????? How did a dinner invitation turn into us buying lunch for 10 people? (our combined families) It’s so rude and cheap. If they don’t feel like they can manage dinner, why not tea and cake or a glass of wine and nibbles?

We often host holiday and family occasions, including lots of overnight stays, their kids have all stayed with us for a few days here and there for various reasons. I love their company, and I like hosting, but I would really love to be a guest sometimes. To me it feels like she’s saying - you’re so unimportant to us that I can’t even be bothered to stick the kettle on for you, and I really don't want you inside my home.

We are a bit better off than they are financially, and that’s always the excuse my DH makes for them, but they are hardly destitute, they both have good full time jobs. AIBU? I come from a culture in which hospitality, family and feeding people is really important, so maybe I'm taking this personally, and it really isn't meant that way.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 13/02/2017 14:41

Essentially rescinding the invitation to meeting at a pub, fine, doable. Telling your family you'll be paying because that's what you've decided will happen, not fine.

I would decline their 'invitation'. Not quite sure what your DH is thinking.

Original poster
millymaid · 13/02/2017 14:41

I'm not really annoyed at DH for offering to buy lunch, more at being invited and then uninvited. They aren't poor, they both have professional jobs. I had never considered the house being a shit hole thing, seems unlikely, but maybe they just don't like having people over. Thanks, just venting about it here made me feel so much better!

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom1 · 13/02/2017 14:44

Yeah her husband did. So wtf are you going on about - 'don't have a face sucking lemons if someone accepts something you offered'? Or do the OP and her husband form one homogenous mass? The OP didn't offer; the OP is pissed off.

harderandharder2breathe · 13/02/2017 14:46

But your DH offered to pay???

TinselTwins · 13/02/2017 14:49

I've done this OP
I uninvited MIL once, I was postnatal and felt unable to cope with the hosting, I made DH ring and cancel, she rang me and unerstood completely (she had had PND herself) and reassured me that she didn't need to be "hosted" and she was going to bring lunch for us all herself that she didn't care if the house was messy she just wanted to make sure we were all okay. She came and it was lovely.

Maybe they see you as a "guest clean & full hosting" type of visitor rather than someone who can take them as they are?

It was your DH who offered to pay so why on earth are you annoyed at people for accepting?

WorraLiberty · 13/02/2017 14:50

I don't get why you're not annoyed at your DH for offering to pay for lunch for 10 people, but you're annoyed at your SIL for accepting! Grin

Madness.

holidaysaregreat · 13/02/2017 14:51

YANBU it would have been better if she hadn't offered in the first place. Then you wouldn't feel put out. They could just offer takeaway and a glass of wine if they find hosting stressful.
Maybe next time you are hosting invite them, then call back a bit later to say 'actually we're not going to host shall we go to a pub'?
I have know people who are better off who often feel obliged to offer to pay for things all the time & it's not really fair.

HighDataUsage · 13/02/2017 14:51

Just call back and say you'll meet them at the pub as agreed but you'll all be responsible for paying for your own families meals. And then wait........

Spam88 · 13/02/2017 14:55

I can understand your annoyance, but I think you're reading a bit too much into it. I don't like hosting, so we'll generally take people to a pub or something instead. And your husband offered to pay, your SIL didn't demand it.

2014newme · 13/02/2017 14:56

Or you could call back and say calendar mix up, can't make it sorry.

WonderMike · 13/02/2017 14:56

I've only had a single cup of tea at my SIL's - that my DH made, btw, after realising there wouldn't be one forthcoming if he didn't. She's stayed here for many weekends, had many meals out on us, and when - because God forbid we get an invite to stay at hers- we used to hire a holiday home nearby, she'd arrive at breakfast and declare she'd be going home for tea.

DH could never explain why but has had a word and now we meet at a cafe and she pays her way, he pays ours.

sandragreen · 13/02/2017 15:00

Another one here who cannot stand hosting. My housekeeping skills are piss poor and I don't really like people being here.

I really think you are taking this personally when no offence was intended.

Agree with PP you can't accuse her of being cheap when it was your DH who offered to pay for everyone.

Chloe84 · 13/02/2017 15:05

Ugh. Can you get out of it?

They're entitled pisstakers.

BeIIatrixLeStrange · 13/02/2017 15:06

The problem , like others are saying, is your hubby offering to pay. He offered.

This reminds me of when my hubby ''offered'' to pay for a meal, when, at the end of the actual meal, it became obvious that none of his family, 7 adults, none of them had brought means to pay for the meal

Laiste · 13/02/2017 15:06

I'm not really annoyed at DH for offering to buy lunch, more at being invited and then uninvited.

Well, there could be 101 reasons why they'd rather meet up at the pub. Has your DH never asked his sister why she rarely hosts? In all these years? Needn't be in a confrontational sort of way.

BeIIatrixLeStrange · 13/02/2017 15:07

I don't really like people being here. I am with you there

Hosting is the worst, you are 'on duty' and it is not relaxing at all, having family eyeballing your home whilst you are ran ragged - far better at a restaurant

ScarlettFreestone · 13/02/2017 15:14

I do think people are being a bit harsh on the SIL. She obviously originally planned to host and then something changed.

There could be problems in the marriage (easier to fake happiness for two hours in the pub than 4 hours in your home).

There could be domestic abuse and he won't allow her family to visit)

There could be mental health issues with either SIL or BIL which make hosting impossible.

The change was rude, it is odd behaviour but the root cause isn't necessarily malicious.

Laiste · 13/02/2017 15:17

I'm not keen on hosting either. I'll do it if push comes to shove, like xmas, and i'll do it with flair (people talk about the lovey time they had at ours) but given the choice i'd much rather meet up with inlaws and DHs family at theirs or out at a pub too.

We have a house full most days with just us, so i guess there's no novelty or pleasure for me in having even more washing up and thinking about food and drink than an average week day.

SapphireStrange · 13/02/2017 15:21

I don't get why you're not annoyed at your DH for offering to pay for lunch for 10 people, but you're annoyed at your SIL for accepting!

This. Obviously she's taking advantage, and possibly manipulating/guilting him into it; but ultimately it was him who agreed.

I'd make him rescind the invite. Lunch for 10 people? Shock I couldn't afford that.

witsender · 13/02/2017 15:22

None of it sounds all that odd tbh. It is pretty simple...She offered off the cuff then thought about the logistics of hosting and cooking for 10 and thought better of it so called back suggested a meal out.

The only behaviour you should be annoyed with is your DH offering a meal for 10 without checking, unless you can easily afford it.

Are there other families going?

OverTheGardenGate · 13/02/2017 15:26

There could be domestic abuse and he won't allow her family to visit

That's a bit dramatic.

It's a massive assumption and it's far more likely that he doesn't want the upheaval and faff of entertaining people he doesn't know and isn't related to. DH would also be pissed off that he'd have to fix the tiles in the loo, refit the curtain rail that fell down yesterday, and clean the inside of the kitchen windows all before next week. "Why don't we just go to the pub instead?" Nothing wrong with that.

charlestonchaplin · 13/02/2017 15:26

Some men like to play the big man. Your husband is clearly one of them.

TinselTwins · 13/02/2017 15:28

Oh come on, if I was the SIL I'ld accept, then sort the tip and buy drinks afterwards etc.

MN land is weird, all this business about turning down invitations and things out of politeness is craziness! People don't do that in real life, they say "oh thank you, how lovely"

AuntiePenguin · 13/02/2017 15:29

MargotLovedTom1 That's a pretty rude response, you're essentially calling me (and SIL) piss takers. My point was that if somebody offers me a birthday treat, I say thank you and politely accept. Frankly I think it would be weird to pause first, tally up every favour/hospitality/gift we've exchanged over the years and then decide whether or not to accept their offer - a strangely mercenary approach to relationships.

It was a bit rude of sil to invite then uninvite, but really not a big deal within a family - could be a thousand reasons. Off the top of my head last week I uninvited my parents because I realised they'd be coming at the same time as the plumber and we'd have no hot water, easier just to meet elsewhere. Nobody took offence because we are all normal people!

ScarlettFreestone · 13/02/2017 15:31

Erm Overthegardengate it wasn't an assumption, it was merely one example in a list of possible reasons why SIL withdrew her invitation.

I agree that there isn't anything wrong with "let's go to the pub" but some of the previous posts seem to be ascribing deeply selfish motives to the OP's SIL - I was just offering an alternative view.