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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is rude and cheap?

101 replies

millymaid · 13/02/2017 13:57

Last night I was on the phone with my SIL, because we’re going to visit my MIL next week, and since they are nearby, we’d like to see her and her family too.

Surprisingly, she invited us over for dinner, which I was delighted to accept. This would be the second or third time we’ve been invited to her house in the 29 years that I’ve been married. My teenage DC has never been to their house, that’s how long it’s been.

Then about 20 minutes later she called back and talked to DH this time, and explained that actually it would be better if we met up in a pub instead, he of course agreed and then also said it would be our treat because it’s nearly SIL’s birthday.

So I’m thinking WTF??????? How did a dinner invitation turn into us buying lunch for 10 people? (our combined families) It’s so rude and cheap. If they don’t feel like they can manage dinner, why not tea and cake or a glass of wine and nibbles?

We often host holiday and family occasions, including lots of overnight stays, their kids have all stayed with us for a few days here and there for various reasons. I love their company, and I like hosting, but I would really love to be a guest sometimes. To me it feels like she’s saying - you’re so unimportant to us that I can’t even be bothered to stick the kettle on for you, and I really don't want you inside my home.

We are a bit better off than they are financially, and that’s always the excuse my DH makes for them, but they are hardly destitute, they both have good full time jobs. AIBU? I come from a culture in which hospitality, family and feeding people is really important, so maybe I'm taking this personally, and it really isn't meant that way.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/02/2017 15:40

It's possible SIL suggested a pub, knowing her DB was very likely to offer to pay - which he did. It might be a long established pattern. It's not always someone playing the 'big man' but a caring sibling who is generous.

It's equally possible she simply panicked at the thought of hosting and rang back and was glad her DB was fine about change of venue and genuinely not expecting him to call it her birthday treat and offer to foot the bill.

Maybe her husband was horrified at her invitation and kicked off so she was embarrassed into calling up and changing plans? Perhaps he always does this, hence the lack of invitations in the past (I hope that's not so).

Whichever, OP, your DH comes out of this looking like a decent sort.

OverTheGardenGate · 13/02/2017 15:42

Scarlett OK soz. I misread the tone.

Wannabehermit · 13/02/2017 15:44

Your husband offered to pay, if on the day they don't offer to chip in I would think they are a bit tight.

I wonder if her DH told her to withdraw the invitation. I hate hosting, my house isn't a shit hole but of my family we are the least well off and my house is the smallest. I am quite sensitive about it, when everyone jokes how they'll have to all squeeze in. My kitchen is too small for catering for a big crowd. We also end up hosting a lot because of the location of my house, we're near a major trunk road, too convenient. I spend more than I can afford and end up exhausted because I'm too polite to say no!

Teaandadunk · 13/02/2017 15:44

Maybe it's not that you are unimportant to her but are in fact important to her. Perhaps she feels embarrassed that she can't live up to the standards you set with your hospitality. Don't take it personally, just enjoy your day.

ScarlettFreestone · 13/02/2017 15:47

*Overthegardengate no problem, easily done. Smile

spidey66 · 13/02/2017 15:48

I'd much rather meet people on neutral ground than in my home as well. My brothers have been to my place about twice each in 20 years. I meet them every so often in a pub or for a meal, or I go to their's....their wives are much better hostesses (and housekeepers) than me.

F1GI · 13/02/2017 15:50

Don't take it personally. Some people hate hosting and hate having guests.

junebirthdaygirl · 13/02/2017 15:52

I think you need to realise that she has anxiety about hosting. You an get into that mindset and it's difficult to break out of it. We have someone like that in our family but l totally get it that they just can't do it.
Your dh kindly offered. They accepted. He sounds nice. All fine if ye can afford it. It's far better to be generous and hospitable so she needs pity.

TinselTwins · 13/02/2017 15:52

their wives are much better hostesses (and housekeepers) than me.

Do you ever consider that they might hate hosting just as much as you do, but do it anyway because they feel they have to because you don't?

Birdsgottaf1y · 13/02/2017 15:58

I agree with it being your DHs doing, by offering to pay.

The house may not be 'a shithole', but I know a lot of Professionals etc that are Hoarders. I only recently found out that's it's been why I (or my Adult children) have never been to my Sister's house.

MargotLovedTom1 · 13/02/2017 16:04

AuntiePenguin do you always take and never give? Do you never reciprocate hospitality that people have shown you? If no, then don't take it personally.

It's hardly worth 'keeping a tally' in the OP's case as it would be
SIL & family: 0
OP & family: countless times
Not likely to get confused or forget that particular tally.

I think it's rude to invite people to dinner, cancel, then allow one of the intended guests to take us out and foot a £100 plus restaurant bill instead.

Reow · 13/02/2017 16:10

It was your DH who offered to buy them lunch...I would say yes if someone offered me lunch! Maybe she realised 10 people in her house was too much, or she wouldn't be able to handle it.

I personally hate hosting. I dread it and don't sleep for days in advance, and have longstanding anxiety issues. I do it when I can't see a way out, but I don't enjoy it and so I don't offer. However, we do offer to take people out to lunch often and we pay.

I honestly don't like having people in my house

Laiste · 13/02/2017 16:26

When i think hard about it (due to this thread) there are friends of mine i've hosted for occasionally who have never reciprocated.

There are a couple of members of DHs family who seem to love to host and we've never really reciprocated because they always insist on get togethers at theirs/having it out (and paying for everyone!)/ or they wind up joint hosting at ILs, who also adore hosting.

I've never kept a tally on it. Neither situation bothers me at all.

Original poster
millymaid · 13/02/2017 16:39

You people are amazing, thank you! I feel stupid that never realised that people really hate hosting so much. I'm pretty slap dash, but my MIL is the hostess with the mostest, really generous, everything homemade, her house is gorgeous, and the cleanest place I've ever been, the garden is spectacular, everything seems to happen by magic, so I guess if SIL feels she should live up to that standard, it's no wonder she doesn't do it. I never put those two things together. And I can totally see that for some reason this whole thing is weirdly emotional for me, while it's just a practical thing for others. So yeah, I think I am being a little unreasonable!

OP posts:
User123456789111222 · 13/02/2017 16:50

We recently had a medium sized family get together at our house - 10 people. We both work full time +This visit literally took over our weekend,

Friday night when home from work, was washing and uniform ironing, Saturday was shopping and cleaning. Deep cleaning that hadn't been done in yonks, windows cleaned etc

Sunday we had the get together, me and hubby did all of the cooking, family came, we ran round like idiots making drinks, finishing cooking, whilst trying to make happy conversation and entertain eight visitors. I was hot flustered and exhausted. By the time they all left, we cleaned up and went to bed and then got up for work at 5am Monday morning

I am one of those people who don't do well in groups, if there is more than one conversation going on in the room I am completely lost

Slimmingsnake · 13/02/2017 16:51

I am at the moment cleaning the house from top to toe ,because I heard a rumbling the inlaws were thinking of popping In 😧This week...I hate having visitors.im embarrassed by my small house....if I could phone up and change the venue to a pub ,I would.

User123456789111222 · 13/02/2017 17:02

I hate it when the in laws come.

GwenStaceyRocks · 13/02/2017 17:23

I love my family but I hate hosting my siblings because it's difficult to make them leave and they're prone to arguing with each other. I'm quite happy to meet them elsewhere instead so I can bail out if it gets too volatile or too late .

Monr0e · 13/02/2017 17:29

It's good you're able to see it from her point of view and hopefully not take it too personally.

I hate hosting, mainly because I think I'm pretty crap at it. I can't bake, my home is far from spotless and I quite simply can't afford to cater as much as I'd like so ultimately never offer as I would always feel my efforts are subject standard.

Monr0e · 13/02/2017 17:30

Sub standard! Flaming autocorrect Angry

MargotLovedTom1 · 13/02/2017 18:29

I still think you're not being unreasonable! I agree that it can be stressful when people with immaculate houses, who are very much 'hostess with the mostest' types, come round because you like you have to reach the bar they have set. However, you've said you're pretty slapdash so surely SIL would feel more relaxed? Anyway, you seem happy so all's well that ends well.

MargotLovedTom1 · 13/02/2017 18:30

And this thread has reiterated to me how much I hate the word 'hosting' Wink.

BadKnee · 13/02/2017 18:34

I rarely host. London - house small, parking issues, difficult teenager. So much more comfortable at a restaurant or pub where everyone can relax. All my friends love me for who I am not for how I host.

I regularly offer to pay for lunch or dinner and my DP wouldn't, I hope, think my friends or family were rude and cheap when they said yes!!

So YABU or yor DH is BU for not checking with you. SiL isn't unreasonable for not hosting. It is not the law.

BadKnee · 13/02/2017 18:42

Sorry OP - I missed your update - you are nice and I was quick to react. Oops! Blush

(Confession - I have a prefect hostess SiL who regularly does Christmas and Summer BBQs. She does not work full time, she has more money than I do, she lives in the suburbs so has far more space and parking than I do - and can cook. She looks down on me Blush I projected. (I do pub lunches too)

Original poster
millymaid · 13/02/2017 20:23

Thanks BadKnee!

OP posts: