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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is rude and cheap?

101 replies

millymaid · 13/02/2017 13:57

Last night I was on the phone with my SIL, because we’re going to visit my MIL next week, and since they are nearby, we’d like to see her and her family too.

Surprisingly, she invited us over for dinner, which I was delighted to accept. This would be the second or third time we’ve been invited to her house in the 29 years that I’ve been married. My teenage DC has never been to their house, that’s how long it’s been.

Then about 20 minutes later she called back and talked to DH this time, and explained that actually it would be better if we met up in a pub instead, he of course agreed and then also said it would be our treat because it’s nearly SIL’s birthday.

So I’m thinking WTF??????? How did a dinner invitation turn into us buying lunch for 10 people? (our combined families) It’s so rude and cheap. If they don’t feel like they can manage dinner, why not tea and cake or a glass of wine and nibbles?

We often host holiday and family occasions, including lots of overnight stays, their kids have all stayed with us for a few days here and there for various reasons. I love their company, and I like hosting, but I would really love to be a guest sometimes. To me it feels like she’s saying - you’re so unimportant to us that I can’t even be bothered to stick the kettle on for you, and I really don't want you inside my home.

We are a bit better off than they are financially, and that’s always the excuse my DH makes for them, but they are hardly destitute, they both have good full time jobs. AIBU? I come from a culture in which hospitality, family and feeding people is really important, so maybe I'm taking this personally, and it really isn't meant that way.

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 14/02/2017 07:40

yeah, I really DON'T want people in my house. Much as i love seeing my family and friends having them here gives me the worst anxiety. I think because I can't make them leave when I can't cope anymore, where as if we are out/someone elses home, i can make my excuses when it all gets too much and leave.
its not personal to them at all. I'm glad you seem to feel better about it OP. x

DameDeDoubtance · 14/02/2017 07:52

Whats her oh like? Maybe she said yes and he said no?

BubbleWrapQueen · 14/02/2017 07:58

Another who hates hosting here. Aspergers and anxiety mean I hate people in my home tbh. I've offered and withdrawn offers before, as sometimes the idea of family or friends is lovely, until the reality sinks in half hour later. I even keep doors shut when opening the front door to friends.

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 14/02/2017 08:05

You enjoy hosting. She probably finds it incredibly stressful.

I always have good intentions and want to host but when I do I have sleepless nights and worry a lot.

Good plan to meet in the pub but not sure why your DH offered to pay?

tovelitime · 14/02/2017 08:06

You know what, I've given up trying to understand the relationship between my DH and his sister. I love her to bits but he turns into your husband around her and buys her ridiculously expensive gifts, pays her and the partners share of bills when we're in restaurants and generally runs around after her taking her to airports in the middle of nights and things like that. I used to get really wound up about it but realised that it's just what they're like with each other and she's not my sister so ultimately I just let him get on with it. Annoys me no end though.

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 14/02/2017 08:07

You could always offer to pay a takeaway in at her house next time. Or just agree to pop round for cake and a cuppa

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 14/02/2017 08:12

We also hosted two weeks ago. Two weeks of faffing/planning/stressing, then a whole day 8-8 cooking and cleaning. A day of entertaining swarms of family members, then A loooong night cleaning up and getting the house straight.

MsJamieFraser · 14/02/2017 08:15

your dh accepted and said to SIL that he would pay, how is that SIL's fault, so not its not rude or cheap!!!

YABU

Namechanger38 · 14/02/2017 08:30

We had family here for Christmas, 7 visitors. With young kids and a puppy of our own, I made it clear that it would only be a success if everyone could muck in, and they did. Likewise, when I visit friends and family, I am helping empty the dishwasher, tidy up etc. I'd hate it if we caused undue stress to them.

Maybe part of the problem a lot of people have is not being honest! I said we'd be delighted to have everyone round but I wouldn't be able to do everything myself. Fair, true, honest!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/02/2017 13:34

I must say, those who hate hosting really should think carefully about which invites they accept, and if you are going to want to eat out on your 'turn' to host, then you shouldn't be accepting someone else paying!

It is quite shocking that you've had her DCs to stay (assuming without her) and yet she's never so much as invited your now teenager to her house for an afternoon to give you and DH and break. That seems very one sided.

Some people don't like hosting because they aren't good at it, or because they are embarrassed at their home, or because they aren't a good cook. But some people don't like hosting because they like to take but not give. Some people don't like hosting because they don't think they should take it in turns to do the effort, the effort should only ever be done by someone else. (and in this case, isn't even prepared to throw money at getting out of her turn.)

Original poster
millymaid · 14/02/2017 15:28

tovelitime There is definitely a bit of that kind of thing going on with us! Many layers of family dynamics!

OP posts:
BigBangTheory789 · 14/02/2017 15:50

Actually, I'm going to go against the general grain here and say YANBU Op!! Third time in 20 years, you're teen children haven't even seen her house??!!??? But she manages to come round to yours if invited very quickly?? I can understand if someone doesn't like hosting but surely they can suck it up for the third time in 20 years for their own brother and their family????

I guess I come from a culture (think middle eastern/asian) where guests to us are treated like royalty and we would never dream of offering and then rescinding the invitation!!

I think since they offered in the first place and then wanted to change the venue to a restaurant they should have INSISTED on paying. At which point your OH could have suggested going halves etc but to accept someone else paying when initially you were meant to be hosting is in my opinion bad form and bad manners.

I am shocked at how many people dislike hosting and dislike having people in their 'personal' space. Is this mostly just MN or the general population?? Does that actually include your family like brothers and sisters, mums and dads and children?? I am genuinely curious...???

MrBonkers · 14/02/2017 16:56

YANBU.

Cheap and childish relations, don't you just love them..

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/02/2017 17:07

Just because someone offers to pay it doesn't mean that everybody else has to accept.
My dh has so often been the one to offer to fork out, and it's so often really irritated me when people have said, 'Are you sure?' - as if Dh was going to say, 'No, actually - put your hand in your pocket for once, you tight git!'

One set of friends was particularly often guilty. It's not as if they were hard up, either.

Except in special circs, the correct response when one person offers to pay for many, is a firm, 'Thanks, but no, we'll split it.'

TinselTwins · 14/02/2017 17:09

One set of friends was particularly often guilty. It's not as if they were hard up, either.
Except in special circs, the correct response when one person offers to pay for many, is a firm, 'Thanks, but no, we'll split it.

erm no, the correct thing to do is to ^not offer things that you don't actually want to give* Hmm

Original poster
millymaid · 14/02/2017 17:33

There's definitely a cultural element to this BigBang. I'm from a similar background to you I think.

OP posts:
MrBonkers · 14/02/2017 17:44

erm no,
what gettinglike said is correct:

One set of friends was particularly often guilty. It's not as if they were hard up, either. Except in special circs, the correct response when one person offers to pay for many, is a firm, 'Thanks, but no, we'll split it.'

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/02/2017 17:47

I think you having had their children for sleep overs and yet your teen has never even been in their house is pretty bad actually and asking you over twice in 30 years but coming to yours often is a fairly extreme imbalance. I don't think a generalized dislike or hatred of hosting is a good enough excuse to make up for that lack of reciprocity. Maybe there are other factors too, but on its own "I don't like doing my share so I won't" is never a decent way to behave in relationships.

TinselTwins · 14/02/2017 18:06

or, you know, just say what you bloomin mean rather than getting annoyed when people take your offers at face value!

arethereanyleftatall · 14/02/2017 18:55

Like the vast majority of people, I dislike hosting too.
It's stressful, takes time to clean/shop/cook, is expensive, and everyone else has a nicer time than I do.
But I do it when it's my turn, as it just isn't fair otherwise.
It's not on to not take your turn.
Yanbu.

zeeboo · 14/02/2017 19:12

OP did you miss the bit where the man you're married to offered to pay?
I never have people here, we don't have a proper dining table and the house is beyond a mess with DIY needing doing. If it was my Birthday and I said to my brother that I'd rather we met at the pub I can see him saying "good idea, I'll pay and call it your bday present pressie."

You seem to have a serious issue with the fact that you and your children haven't been allowed into your SILs house. It's not all about you and she is allowed her own reasons for wanting to socialise in public rather than at home.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/02/2017 19:24

If you never host, it's only fair that for each time someone else hosts, you take them out for dinner and you pay.

MargotLovedTom1 · 14/02/2017 20:13

The correct thing to do is not take advantage of someone's good nature Tinsel. There are people who are generous to a fault; who will always offer hospitality, to pay for meals, to pay for first and last rounds (or all rounds!). However it's not right to take the piss. Do you think it's okay to sit there every time going "OK Bob, you pay again, that's very kind of you." and keep your hands in your pocket?

You might as well be honest and say 'Well, if they're stupid enough to offer, I'm going to take it. Balls to showing them any kindness.'

SparklyUnicornPoo · 14/02/2017 20:53

I really hate people being in my house, it's spotless and beautiful but the thought of anyone coming in terrifies me, however i have had to once suck it up and invite FIL as we couldn't afford to go out for dinner with him and i didn't want him to think we didn't want to see him, I didn't sleep for 3 days before he came round and was on edge all evening.

I love FIL, its honestly not personal.

AddToBasket · 14/02/2017 23:44

Not that many people like hosting. It is a hassle. But like thank you letters and taking people to hospital appointments, there are some things you need to do to be a socially grown up. Hosting your immediate family occasionally is one of them IMO.

A little bit surprised at how many people think 2-3 times in 29years is normal for having your brother over. Never having your nephew. Fair enough if there are actual oceans involved or you are NC. Otherwise, it is odd and rude just to think the hosting should go one way.

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