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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fuming at DH not doing chores while I'm in hospital?

162 replies

WanderingStar1 · 13/02/2017 11:07

Have been in nearly a week with unexplained chest pains. DH had to take a few hours off work on wed to do the school run and then do one packed lunch Thurs then take the children swimming. He has now taken three days off this week (works mon to wed then 'farms' in between) as it's half term. He has done a few loads in the dishwasher and bathed the children last night. He fed them junk a few evenings and took them to 89 yr old MIL for a couple of proper meals.
Today I heard I will be here at least a couple more days so rang to ask him to do a load of washing - not least to get the swim stuff ready for next Thurs. He said he had dried that all out though hadn't rinsed it, and it was fine. He said they don't need to do any washing as haven't made anything dirty. When I suggested clean pj's he said there are plenty so old ones can just go in the washbin. I also asked if he could clean the loos and blip the hoover round but he just said 'that can wait, it won't hurt for one week.
He then rang back and said if I was so desperate I could tell his mum what I want washed and he'll take it to her and she'll Tumble dry it and it will all be done. I was furious at it would take twice as long to explain twice, and I just thought he could get one load of undies and towels etc done just to save total chaos when I get back. He won't listen when I say it's a 2 minute job and anyway the kids can work the machine, I'm stuck here and totally fed up and he's just happy for it all to pile up till I get back!! I do normally do all the house stuff while he does the 'mans' jobs, but he does nothing in the evenings this time of year plus he goes out two nights a week and most Sundays so he isn't exactly hard done by. Aibu???

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 13/02/2017 19:30

And again, this person isn't going to do it! If she wants it done she has to go to his mother.

WanderingStar1 · 13/02/2017 19:51

I accept that I knew what he was like when I married him, and don't moan about the usual split of work (often) but I did think he could have managed a bit extra while I'm stuck in here! He has just compounded things by ringing me up tonight, so I said ' right let me talk you through that washing' and he said 'not now I'm off to play pool with my mates as it's Monday!' He's only taking the kids!! They are 8!! To a strange pub where they will vaguely know 4 other blokes, and be bored and tired! I hung up on him!! I guess I won't Ltb but right now I am just soooo p*d off and this seemed a good place to rant! Sorry.....

OP posts:
Juveniledelinquent · 13/02/2017 19:54

I'm so sorry your poorly and that your DH isn't shaping up too well. When you're feeling better a deep and meaningful conversation with him is probably at the top of your to do list.

I hope you're feeling better soon Flowers

Juveniledelinquent · 13/02/2017 19:55

*you're

Batteriesallgone · 13/02/2017 19:56

The trouble with working on the extension, DIY etc is that they are 'accomplishment' tasks. You do them and they are finished, you get lots of praise, you get to enjoy the fruits of your labour etc etc.

Putting a wash on and mopping the floor otoh is mundane, needs frequent repetition and is only noticeable in it's absence.

A decent partner should do a fair share of the mundane regular stuff. Work like building an extension should be on top of that. Because the extension gets finished, the DIY dries up and there you still are, at 89, doing all the boring stuff while he sits on his arse.

Blossomdeary · 13/02/2017 19:59

Well - of course yabu - how could you possibly expect a MAN to do the simplest of household tasks? He should leave it all for you to do when you get back; perhaps stand over you to make sure you do it up to his standards. You can't expect to lie about in hospital being waited on and expect to find everything perfect when you get back. Grin

Seriously though - get well soon Flowers

MycatsaPirate · 13/02/2017 20:05

FFS! YANBU and he needs a boot up the arse!

Have you got a friend who can go round and chivy him up a bit?

When I had DD2 (c-section) I was in hospital for 3 days and when I came home NOTHING had been done. Not even the fecking dishes. It had all been left for me and I'd just had major surgery. I was fuming.

However, the dp I am with now, when I had my spinal surgery last year and the hospital was too far to visit, he kept the house running, looked after MY dc, did everything that needed to be done, washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping because he's a GROWN UP!

I cannot abide these man-children who seem to be incapable of putting laundry in a machine and switching it on.

Chickennuggetfeeder · 13/02/2017 20:11

Flowers op hope you feel better soon. My dp was like this i finally snapped when i came home after an operation where i was supposed to be resting and found myself takling a mountain of washing up and looking after the 3 kids (1,5& 8 at the time) as "he had a headache" and had taken himself to bed.

Since my massive wxplosion of you either pull your weight or fuck off hes so far been a changed man. So it shows they can do it if they have to. It was the lack of caring that really got me.

smilingsarahb · 13/02/2017 20:19

Aah yes, whenever I am ill or unable my husband grandly announces that's it's ok, I can wait until I am better to sort it all out (excepts it's much worse than I would have let it get to) I know from mumsnet this is somehow my fault and i am an enabler but actually I think it's his character flaw and off set it to his other more positive features. My dad was uber tidy, but emotionally cold and distant.

WanderingStar1 · 13/02/2017 20:34

Thanks all, you are making me feel better anyway - it's good to be able to sound off here! I'm probably mostly fed up with being stuck in hospital and not being allowed to leave the ward or even shower, and waiting day by day for tests that never come..... DH and his thoughtlessness is just the final straw!

OP posts:
DevelopingDetritus · 13/02/2017 22:02

He should be visiting and bringing all your supplies too.

WanderingStar1 · 13/02/2017 22:09

He has been doing that much. And he rang just now to let me know they are back and said he'll ring tomorrow 1st thing for instructions re. the washing, so must be feeling a bit guilty! Or maybe he asked his mates at the pub and got a reality check Grin

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 13/02/2017 22:28

Good! have a list ready Grin

BackforGood · 13/02/2017 22:31

This has got nothing to do with being a man.
When your loved one is in hospital, and you are fitting in all the visiting around work, looking after the dc, feeding them etc., then it is exhausting.
I can't believe you are asking if he has done the vacuuming. I quite agree with him it's hardly crucial in your circumstances.

Can you imagine the replies if a woman had posted that her husband was in hospital, she was just about coping with visiting, the worry of him being there, feeding the dc and being at work, and her husband then started demanding why she hadn't vacuumed ? There would be uproar.

GabsAlot · 13/02/2017 22:41

hes pathetic op

he cant do the washing coz hes down the pub paying pool?

and throwin clothes away because he cant be bothered to wash them

does he want u to come home and get ill again

GabsAlot · 13/02/2017 22:43

back for good have u read all the thread

he hant done anything-apart from play pool-and it can wait-till when?

WanderingStar1 · 13/02/2017 22:43

I was fed up because he wasn't looking after the DCs! He fed them one fry up and one lot of beans on toast, then got his 89 yr old mum to do all the rest. And he hasn't been to work since last Wednesday so he would have had plenty of free time. I didn't fuss about the hoovering but a load of washing and a squirt of bleach down the loo shouldn't be that big an ask......

OP posts:
Hissy · 13/02/2017 22:46

Yes... but this story would be demanding husband to get cracking with hoovering, washing and what not when he got out and back home.

It doesn't matter who's in hospital here, it's that the work is being left for the one who's in hospital under investigation for chest pains.

The one at home simply can't leave it to mount up for the one who's ill!

UnbornMortificado · 13/02/2017 23:01

Wandering I hope you get better soon and sorry your DH is being such an arse Flowers

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/02/2017 23:26

Can you imagine the replies if a woman had posted that her husband was in hospital, she was just about coping with visiting, the worry of him being there, feeding the dc and being at work, and her husband then started demanding why she hadn't vacuumed ? There would be uproar.

Perhaps, if he was the SAHP and she somehow became completely useless the second she'd finished parking her car on the drive after getting home from work - and ferried the DCs to her elderly mother's to be taken care of. Absolutely. Has there ever been a thread like that on Mumsnet?

Women don't tend to suffer from I'm-only-functional-in-the-office-itis though...

AwaywiththePixies27 · 14/02/2017 00:17

YNBU to be fuming at the overgrown manchild but please try not to worry about it too much for now and concentrate on getting better. Flowers

Surely he could have done some of the things he can't be arsed to do in the same time it takes him to to go over to the MILs with the washing.

Roomster101 · 14/02/2017 08:41

Can you imagine the replies if a woman had posted that her husband was in hospital, she was just about coping with visiting, the worry of him being there, feeding the dc and being at work, and her husband then started demanding why she hadn't vacuumed ? There would be uproar.

There is always someone who says "if this was a man"......... Why don't you find a thread where a man has complained that he is in hospital and his wife wasn't managing to feed the children or wash their clothes in his absence, then you wouldn't have to "imagine" the replies? My guess is that there aren't any but if there were the responses would be at least as critical of the person at home, if not more so

OP's DH is not at work so has plenty of time to feed the children, washing and vacuuming. Indeed, the fact that he has time to go to the pub suggests that he is not feeling too strained. He is just being lazy.

Velvian · 14/02/2017 08:46

Do you have a male friend or brother that you can ask to go in & do some housework & washing as a favour?

GatoradeMeBitch · 14/02/2017 10:28

There is always someone who says "if this was a man"

Isn't there just!

Hissy · 14/02/2017 17:12

It's not just lazy. The work that needs doing is beneath him.

But not beneath a wife who has potential heart/chest issues.

I'd have no respect for him again. Shame on him.

Op, I hope you shake things up now, tell him to go back to work while YOU be the sahp, but of course he still needs to come home after work and wash, irons, cook and clean.

What a waste of a man he really is.