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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming at DH not doing chores while I'm in hospital?

162 replies

WanderingStar1 · 13/02/2017 11:07

Have been in nearly a week with unexplained chest pains. DH had to take a few hours off work on wed to do the school run and then do one packed lunch Thurs then take the children swimming. He has now taken three days off this week (works mon to wed then 'farms' in between) as it's half term. He has done a few loads in the dishwasher and bathed the children last night. He fed them junk a few evenings and took them to 89 yr old MIL for a couple of proper meals.
Today I heard I will be here at least a couple more days so rang to ask him to do a load of washing - not least to get the swim stuff ready for next Thurs. He said he had dried that all out though hadn't rinsed it, and it was fine. He said they don't need to do any washing as haven't made anything dirty. When I suggested clean pj's he said there are plenty so old ones can just go in the washbin. I also asked if he could clean the loos and blip the hoover round but he just said 'that can wait, it won't hurt for one week.
He then rang back and said if I was so desperate I could tell his mum what I want washed and he'll take it to her and she'll Tumble dry it and it will all be done. I was furious at it would take twice as long to explain twice, and I just thought he could get one load of undies and towels etc done just to save total chaos when I get back. He won't listen when I say it's a 2 minute job and anyway the kids can work the machine, I'm stuck here and totally fed up and he's just happy for it all to pile up till I get back!! I do normally do all the house stuff while he does the 'mans' jobs, but he does nothing in the evenings this time of year plus he goes out two nights a week and most Sundays so he isn't exactly hard done by. Aibu???

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnishing · 13/02/2017 18:02

Perhaps get to know what makes your DH tick and manage him appropriately, would be better advice

Probably wouldn't work in my case, what with my DH being an equal partner in our marriage rather than my employee.

I'm actually laughing at the idea that I should treat my DS differently to my DD on account of him growing up into a man that needs simple instructions.

DameDeDoubtance · 13/02/2017 18:03

Asking a bloke to pull his weight is not asking him to be perfect, it's just asking him to be a reasonable human being. There are far too many women putting up with lazy blokes, they need to stop.

motherinferior · 13/02/2017 18:04

Oh come on. You talk about 'giving instructions' and 'men being simple creatures' - what the vast majority of us are saying is that they aren't, actually. They are as gloriously complicated and interesting as women. That's why many women choose to have relationships with them.

expatinscotland · 13/02/2017 18:05

Yes, learn how to live with someone who's lazy and sexist, who fundamentally believes domestic chores are women's work unless specifically told otherwise, celebrate and praise, after all, you're 'lucky'.

Chippednailvarnishing · 13/02/2017 18:09

Yes, learn how to live with someone who's lazy and sexist, who fundamentally believes domestic chores are women's work

In other words girls learn you place. He comes first. He can't help it. You need to manage because the poor little guy can't.

itsmine · 13/02/2017 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roomster101 · 13/02/2017 18:36

A general wash programme for non-delicates neither shrinks nor discolours them. Certainly not at 30 degrees. W

It depends on your clothes. If you mix white with darks they certainly can get discoloured. Some clothing will shrink if you are putting it in the tumble dryer. I'm not making excuses for his lack of knowledge as it's obviously not rocket science. I'm just pointing out that it isn't necessarily just a case of putting everything in the washing machine followed by tumble dryer.

SapphireStrange · 13/02/2017 18:38

Yes, I have to give him clear instructions on certain things but so what?

And who gives you 'clear instructions on certain things'? Or do you just manage to do them, because you're a functioning grown-up?

Juveniledelinquent · 13/02/2017 18:40

My DH does all his own washing and ironing.

Juveniledelinquent · 13/02/2017 18:42

I've just cooked dinner and he's clearing up.

DelphineCormier · 13/02/2017 18:45

When I was in hospital after I had DD (didn't find out I was pregnant until two weeks before I had her and thought I was about 4 weeks less pregnant than I was, ie I was TOTALLY unprepared) my work colleague went round to mine and assembled the cot, cleaned, did the laundry, did grocery shopping before I was discharged etc. My work colleague. If he can manage that, your DH can manage it. What an entitled idiot.

UnbornMortificado · 13/02/2017 18:45

Oh wandering that's shit. I spend a week in hospital with DD1 and DH managed DD2 (technically not his) and the housework fine.

He did get his mam (early fifties) to come over and bath her but that's more about him being uncomfortable as it's his stepdaughter then laziness.

Chippednailvarnishing · 13/02/2017 18:46

Gold star for him.

Can't imagine explaining that a woman can wash her own clothes and clear up after dinner.

Juveniledelinquent · 13/02/2017 18:50

It really doesn't matter how you reach a state of harmony in your relationship. No one is perfect, work with what you have and celebrate each other's strengths.

I'm sick of reading on here how a man is an arse, just because, and should be got rid of.

The reality of life and relationships is that everyone is different
and yes a relationship is about equality and mutuality but you have to find a way to live happily with each other's differences.

I could not stand infidelity or domestic abuse, but having to find a way to get DH to do the chores is really not important. He does them, that's what's important.

findingmyfeet12 · 13/02/2017 18:53

How long does it take to load a washing machine and make a basic meal like a simple pasta dish?

He sounds like a nightmare and thevwomen in his life, you and his mother, have allowed him to get away with it.

motherinferior · 13/02/2017 18:56

And I'm amazed at the assumptions that men can't do housework. Or will only do housework if 'taught' or 'managed'.

I'd love to get away with not doing my share around the house.

Butterymuffin · 13/02/2017 19:05

One can only marvel at how these is still a gender pay gap, since men are apparently unable to work out how to operate machines, goto shops and the like. They must be utterly useless at work. Why the higher salaries?

Chippednailvarnishing · 13/02/2017 19:08

Why the higher salaries?

Because they are all highly intelligent, and us women have set our expectations far too high. You just need to manage men properly with simple instructions.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 13/02/2017 19:11

Jesus Christ I'd have to leave a man like this. Unfuckingbelievable.

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/02/2017 19:12

I'm sick of reading on here how a man is an arse, just because, and should be got rid of.

Well it's bound to be a common theme because this is a site primarily used by women, who will come here to talk about their problems. Very few people who are happy in their relationships are going to post about it.

And I think it is very valid to consider getting rid of a man who thinks that with the purchase of a wedding ring he bought himself a lifelong domestic servant.

user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 19:12

Hi, I just joined because I read this and have been in a similar situation before. I'm sorry if this is a group for women. I am a stay at home dad and my partner works. I was ill about 6 months ago and was stuck in bed for about 2 weeks. I do most of the chores but I don't mind that because my partner works. When I was ill i did expect my partner to take over everything but she just didn't!! She did the bare minimum and most things built up. I didn't really say anything at the time because I didn't want to cause more stress but it was very fustrating and I had a lot of work built up once i had recovered. I understand what it's like but I don't think it's worth causing a huge argument and extra stres when you are ill

1hamwich4 · 13/02/2017 19:14

I can see both sides to this argument and FWIW I too would interpret 'that can wait' as meaning 'until you get back', which is a bit shit.

However. If you are unused to the level of forward planning and multitasking required to run the mundane aspects of everyday life like washing/cleaning/food shopping, to suddenly have to take it all over perfectly is a bit of an ask.

It's not that any of the individual jobs are difficult in isolation, it's just that doing them all at once, at the correct times, requires a routine that is hard to start from scratch.

I think the perfect analogy is spinning plates. Hard to get them all going quickly from a stop, easy to keep going once they are spinning.

Chippednailvarnishing · 13/02/2017 19:15

user1487012581 why on earth are you letting your wife treat you like that!?!

user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 19:21

Chippednailvarnishing
I do most of the chores but she normally is quite good and helps out occasionally in the evenings. It's just that one time and it was very frustrating but I just didn't see what good would come of making a big fuss about it and turning it into an argument. Obviously everyone is different and I want to help op because I went through a similar situation. I'm just not sure if it is worth creating loads of stres when you're ill

Juveniledelinquent · 13/02/2017 19:25

That's a fair comment but sometimes the advice given to them seems to be along the lines of "he's an arse, get rid of him".

I think there's some merit in finding ways of living with someone. No one is perfect, so if you have to tell someone clearly what you'd like them to do, it really doesn't matter. The important thing is that they do it.

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