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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fuming at DH not doing chores while I'm in hospital?

162 replies

WanderingStar1 · 13/02/2017 11:07

Have been in nearly a week with unexplained chest pains. DH had to take a few hours off work on wed to do the school run and then do one packed lunch Thurs then take the children swimming. He has now taken three days off this week (works mon to wed then 'farms' in between) as it's half term. He has done a few loads in the dishwasher and bathed the children last night. He fed them junk a few evenings and took them to 89 yr old MIL for a couple of proper meals.
Today I heard I will be here at least a couple more days so rang to ask him to do a load of washing - not least to get the swim stuff ready for next Thurs. He said he had dried that all out though hadn't rinsed it, and it was fine. He said they don't need to do any washing as haven't made anything dirty. When I suggested clean pj's he said there are plenty so old ones can just go in the washbin. I also asked if he could clean the loos and blip the hoover round but he just said 'that can wait, it won't hurt for one week.
He then rang back and said if I was so desperate I could tell his mum what I want washed and he'll take it to her and she'll Tumble dry it and it will all be done. I was furious at it would take twice as long to explain twice, and I just thought he could get one load of undies and towels etc done just to save total chaos when I get back. He won't listen when I say it's a 2 minute job and anyway the kids can work the machine, I'm stuck here and totally fed up and he's just happy for it all to pile up till I get back!! I do normally do all the house stuff while he does the 'mans' jobs, but he does nothing in the evenings this time of year plus he goes out two nights a week and most Sundays so he isn't exactly hard done by. Aibu???

OP posts:
Creatureofthenight · 13/02/2017 12:16

My DH would get on with chores, but as we share housework all the time this wouldn't be quite as big a shock to the system as it is to your DH!
It is fine to just do the basics for a bit, but not to save up chores for you.
Perhaps this is something to address when you're better - hope that's soon Flowers.

unlucky83 · 13/02/2017 12:20

Try not to worry about it ...in some ways he's right - if it doesn't get hoovered for a week and the loo is a bit grubby it isn't the end of the world....
The 'it can wait' I would be annoyed at if he expects you do to it when you get out but it might be his way of telling you not to worry about it...you have more important things to worry about - like yourself.

You need to look on the bright side - he could do it and mess up...and think he has done a great job and expect you to be forever grateful...
My experience - I had been a bit lazy and got behind with the washing...I was going to do it (I had to!) the next day and had collected it all in a big mountain on our bedroom floor - I guess about 8 or so loads...
I was taken in hospital in the night and stayed in for nearly a week...
When I got out DP had done the washing... which I was grateful for.
But there is a reason the washing is my job - for a start when we first lived together he managed to make a load of whites pink, then a load blue....he forgets to empty pockets (he has washed things like pens -and once a lighter which nearly went into the tumble dryer Shock), he forgets which program and boil washes everything, uses loads of powder and has a habit of spilling it in the conditioner drawer (soapy rinse) and tumble dries on high. (Pretty sure he has ADHD - and he does his own washing and does the same ...it isn't a way of getting out of doing it...)

He wasn't sure where most of the things went so I had a mountain to put away and things like the DCs brand new leggings were ruined and dark things had soap residue marks on them...but we survived....
He also told me that looking after the house and DCs was easy.... what he didn't realise was all my friends had rallied round and had done things like pick DCs from school and take them for playdates/gave them dinner and all the lift shares to activities -and if it wasn't a lift share activity the DC didn't go. The school made allowances - he didn't send lunch money in - they fed the DCs anyway, told them if they didn't do their homework it was fine ... And he didn't clean anything -just washed up and wiped the kitchen work tops...he didn't empty a bin and even forgot to put the wheelie bins out for collection....(and I reminded him...)
He has even said afterwards he enjoyed it ...BUT when we were talking about me going back to work full time he said he would like to be a SAHD - but then as we talked about it was less keen on the idea of having to eg do the school run every day....he even said they could go to after school club and I could pick them up on the way home from work....

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/02/2017 12:20

'That can wait' means it can wait until you leave hospital. And that's shit. This board has scared me off the idea of living with a man for life!

There's not much you can do now, you should focus on getting well. DO NOT do the Mummy Martyr bit and set about scrubbing the house as soon as you get home!

MistressDeeCee · 13/02/2017 12:23

Well the main thing is getting stuff washed/done so if he wants to take it to his mum then let him. You're in hospital with chest pains so stressing over housework and routines is no good whatsoever

This is the man you married you already know what he is like and likely have been doing and organising chores yourself for ages, which lets him off the hook doesn't it? - so if he can let somebody else take the strain, if he can manage the DCs (albeit in his way not in your way) then allow that to happen. Whats the alternative right now?

Although I couldn't ever let myself be with someone like that in the 1st place - Im lazy as it is I do chores because I have to, and any other adult sharing my space must do their share of piss off, none of this skivvying around after grown people

But, in your case it is what it is and best way to cope this minute may be to let him get on with it, it won't cause any household complete disaster will it? Let it be. When you're out you can sort this problem re further chores etc

Get well soon

Flum · 13/02/2017 12:36

I woudl politely ask him to try to have the house cleaned and the clothes laundered and say look love if you don't want to actually do it yourself please call a cleaning company to come in for the day before I return so I don't have to return to a dirty house.

Either do it or pay someone else to do it, and please don't ask your elderly mother to do it.

Other than that you do have to let go when you are out of action as everyone has their own way of doing things and different standards of what is clean and acceptable. You just can't micromanage it and it will drive you and him crazy if you try.

Infact ask him just once more if he will do it, and if not call a cleaning company and let him know when they will come and how much it will be. The house will look great when you get cack and it will focus his mind in the value of the work that you do.

Feel better soon!

Dagnabit · 13/02/2017 12:49

It's a pain but if he hasn't done it before then he isn't going to suddenly start now despite you being poorly. Doesn't make it right though and the last thing you need is to be anxious about the state of the house. It's ok saying don't worry about it but I would - I get really anxious about that sort of stuff.

Are you in the position to hire a temporary cleaner? Not sure how it works tbh but maybe a cleaning firm would be happy to clean a couple times of week for a month or so? Just a thought. Get well soon Flowers

Dagnabit · 13/02/2017 12:50

Cross post, Flum!

harderandharder2breathe · 13/02/2017 12:54

If you're well enough to be thinking about these things you're not ill enough that he needs to sit by your bedside and life gets put on hold.

So he needs to get a fucking grip! He shouldn't need prompting to do basic tasks like wash the swim stuff so it's clean for next week!

hellomarshmallow · 13/02/2017 12:55

Well this is depressing.

YANBU!

TheMysteriousJackelope · 13/02/2017 12:59

You are in hospital with chest pains and he wants to leave all the dirty, laundry, gardening, shopping etc. until you get back so you'll have about three times as much to deal with when you get out of hospital?

Does he want you to get sick again?

HandbagCrazy · 13/02/2017 13:00

Him not doing it now shouldn't be an issue - he has a lot on, working, worrying about you and dealing with childcare etc.

HOWEVER, I would absolutely be making it clear that I will not be coming out of hospital then running around catching up, so he can either do his share now or when you get home, but you're not doing it all.

FWIW when I was in hospital (many years ago) DH didn't do anything at home and he flitted between work, me and sleep, but he also expected me to rest once I got home and just did housework around me while I led on the sofa.

knackeredinyorkshire · 13/02/2017 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roomster101 · 13/02/2017 13:06

I would hope that he mean it can wait until he has time to do it although I somehow doubt it. Unfortunately, the fact that you are giving him so much direction suggests that he doesn't usually do anything.
I would just tell him that when you return you expect the house to be clean and the clothes laundered as any extra work could affect your recovery. If he doesn't have time or is incapable he will have to organise a cleaner. His mother shouldn't have to do laundry but that is between her and him.
Try not to get too wound up as if the house is a tip when you get back you can always organise cleaners yourself (don't let him know this though).

twofingerstoEverything · 13/02/2017 13:06

Lower your expectations

Jesus wept.

Get well soon, OP Flowers

Imavinoops · 13/02/2017 13:10

Cor I came on this thread as I could imagine my DP ignoring as much as possible while I'm away but at least he does the stuff I ask him to when I ask him!

Taking the washing to his Mums is so lazy! DP would seriously be in the doghouse for even suggesting such a thing!

YANBU!

alltouchedout · 13/02/2017 13:19

Bloody hell OP, don't lower your expectations, demand he raises his game.

sadandlonely2 · 13/02/2017 13:29

YADDNBU. Once I was in hospital for 15 days, then out for 2 or 3 days and then back in for almost 2 weeks. My dp hadn't done any washing clothes/cleaning bathrooms/tidying up at all and considering that we have cats and dogs he'd only hoovered once during the 2nd stay and not at all during the first (I did it all the day I got home).

He couldn't understand why I was so upset and cross, as he was busy working and had had to look after the kids too (my parents actually did a lot of that for him).
He only visited me a couple of times as the hospital was 2 hours away, (which I understood), so it wasn't that he was with me all the time. I'm sure that it took me a lot longer to get better as I was straining myself doing the housework and it led directly to the 2nd stay. His answer is always "but I don't expect you to do it".

He can't see that by not doing it he is expecting me to do it, as there's no other bugger to do it and we can't live in a shitheap (especially with having kids). The way he sees it is: he's not bothered by a mess so it's my problem if I am!?

Don't know how you change it though.

Southsouthwesterly · 13/02/2017 13:35

YANBU

He sounds like a child.

I suppose the real issue is he has never had to do this before and you have done it all.

I can see how it's ok to let housework go a bit, but basics like a decent meal for the kids and washing their clothes is just basic care. If he won't do that he's an arse.

I think you need a serious talk when you are better and for me this would be a marriage breaker if it carried on as it shows a man who can't look after my kids properly when I'm not there.

expatinscotland · 13/02/2017 13:42

Lower your expectations, look on the bright side he could cock it up if he did it, you're 'lucky' if he does anything at all, he has it tough having taken off work and having to look after his own children - no wonder so many women are hitched up to lazy, sexist pigs. He's not going to do FA, OP. Because between the two of you, it's become your job. So let his mum do it. Then when you get out, the pair of you need to come to some agreement regarding fairness in lifework in your life.

MatildaTheCat · 13/02/2017 13:47

Do you have a friend who could pop in? If you say to him that you are going to ask X to come and do the laundry and clear up might he be shamed into doing it himself? Be clear that you will not be coming home to a messy house with no food in. If no friend and he refuses then arrange for someone to come and clean for cash. He pays.

One suggestion to avoid the children getting scurvy and eating crap is to do an online shop of healthy ready meals. I know he should do it but hey,not will mean they are fed something nutritious.

Southsouthwesterly · 13/02/2017 13:50

so you are saying that a woman in hospital should do an online shop because her lazy arse of a DH can't feed their kids properly?
Incredible.
I thought we'd left the 1940s behind.

FunkyChunk · 13/02/2017 14:02

Lower your expectations - to what?! ZERO?

I don't think I could stay with a man like this. Actually, I know I couldn't. YADNBU OP.

Hope you feel better soon.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/02/2017 14:04

I think being in hospital with chest pains is one of those times when a person can expect the burden to be lifted from them entirely. I would ask him pointedly if he is leaving stuff for you to do when you get back. If so, you would be justified in going ballistic. You will probably be told to rest when you get back.

Roomster101 · 13/02/2017 14:04

Perhaps people are suggesting that OP "lowers her expectations" because it is not a good idea to get worked up about what is and isn't done while she is in hospital. It is outrageous that her DH seems to completely incapable of working out what needs to be done. However, that seems to be the way they have divided things in their relationship and there isn't much that can be done about it at the moment, beyond letting him know what is expected and then accepting that it might not happen so cleaners etc may need to be employed when she is out of hospital.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/02/2017 14:16

I would be disappointed too. You are not having a holiday. It's not like you planned this to coincide with half-term. He's managed a few basics that he might do for himself anyway and why should MIL do more, she's already helping. I hope he reconsiders.
When you get home try to resist overdoing it. Advertise for some help. He can't object - I appreciate some farmwork is seasonal but family domestic stuff is 24/7.
Imagine if he broke a leg. I bet he'd expect maid service, with a smile too.

PS If I were you I would adopt "That can wait" as a standard response in future when he's asking you to do something.

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