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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming at DH not doing chores while I'm in hospital?

162 replies

WanderingStar1 · 13/02/2017 11:07

Have been in nearly a week with unexplained chest pains. DH had to take a few hours off work on wed to do the school run and then do one packed lunch Thurs then take the children swimming. He has now taken three days off this week (works mon to wed then 'farms' in between) as it's half term. He has done a few loads in the dishwasher and bathed the children last night. He fed them junk a few evenings and took them to 89 yr old MIL for a couple of proper meals.
Today I heard I will be here at least a couple more days so rang to ask him to do a load of washing - not least to get the swim stuff ready for next Thurs. He said he had dried that all out though hadn't rinsed it, and it was fine. He said they don't need to do any washing as haven't made anything dirty. When I suggested clean pj's he said there are plenty so old ones can just go in the washbin. I also asked if he could clean the loos and blip the hoover round but he just said 'that can wait, it won't hurt for one week.
He then rang back and said if I was so desperate I could tell his mum what I want washed and he'll take it to her and she'll Tumble dry it and it will all be done. I was furious at it would take twice as long to explain twice, and I just thought he could get one load of undies and towels etc done just to save total chaos when I get back. He won't listen when I say it's a 2 minute job and anyway the kids can work the machine, I'm stuck here and totally fed up and he's just happy for it all to pile up till I get back!! I do normally do all the house stuff while he does the 'mans' jobs, but he does nothing in the evenings this time of year plus he goes out two nights a week and most Sundays so he isn't exactly hard done by. Aibu???

OP posts:
Southsouthwesterly · 13/02/2017 14:16

A man who thinks it's fine to throw away kids' PJs instead of washing them and taking them to his mum (age 89) for a good feed is not a man- he's a manchild.

It's disgraceful .

You would be wrong to expect him to dust every room and keep the place as you would; but doing the basics like laundry and feeding kids healthy food is something he should do without question.

I hope you get better OP. Seriously, are the heart pains due to stress from living with him????

reuset · 13/02/2017 14:20

What a lazy, inconsiderate man he is!

I hope you're feeling better soon, OP. You shouldn't be having to worry about the chores. He needs somebody to have a stern word with him I think.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/02/2017 14:28

So he means, it can wait until you get home. Does he have a death wish?

LagunaBubbles · 13/02/2017 14:32

So by waiting he means wait for you? Thats out of order.

EweAreHere · 13/02/2017 14:36

OP, I seriously hope you tell him that if you come home to a tip and piles of laundry, cleaning, etc, you plan to sit on the couch and continue to recover and watch him sort it all out. Leaving it for you is not on.

There are no excuses. You manage to keep the place tidy while sorting the kids; he should be able to do the same to a large degree.

Original poster
WanderingStar1 · 13/02/2017 15:22

He has always been useless around the house but used to work really hard on the extension and a full time job etc, so I wouldn't call him lazy when I married him. He still does work quite physically hard when he does stuff, but also has hours in front of the TV! And I can't understand why he'd rather take the clothes all the way round his mum's than just put them in the machine and press a button. We spent longer arguing on the phone than it would take to do that!

OP posts:
motherinferior · 13/02/2017 15:27

Ok, for a comparison:

I went away on 27 December and came back on 15 Jan. Some of this was work, some family and some frankly a holiday (I should perhaps add I'd had a really dreadful year!)

My partner did stuff while I was away. Like, all the stuff. The cooking and the washing and all the related stuff. Even went to see my elderly dad and cooked him lunch. Admittedly there wasn't any childcare as ours are teenagers but there was a lot of stuff. Which he did not because he is a superman but because he is a functional human being.

so, er, YANBU.

Roomster101 · 13/02/2017 15:31

And I can't understand why he'd rather take the clothes all the way round his mum's than just put them in the machine and press a button. We spent longer arguing on the phone than it would take to do that!

It sounds as if he doesn't know how to do the washing and/or is worried that he will damage clothes. He will perhaps need some lessons and (a lot of) practice when you are well so that this doesn't happen again.

motherinferior · 13/02/2017 15:32

What lessons? You put the clothes in and put it on.

Even I can do that and I'm not madly mechanically minded.

OhhBetty · 13/02/2017 15:45

So he would rather potentially make you more ill than do basic household stuff? Does he hold down a job? If the answer is yes then he's clearly competent enough to do a load of washing and cook a few meals. He's choosing not to. Because his laziness takes priority over your health in his mind. Unacceptable and I would question if I wanted my children growing up with this as an example of a relationship.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/02/2017 15:46

My DH grew up without running water (not UK) where all clothes were washed by hand. He managed to figure out a washing machine even though he had only seen one on TV before he came here. Ditto the vacuum cleaner (tiled floors swept and mopped - no hoovering) and a dishwasher (Go him!!). They are not hard to fathom.

Roomster101 · 13/02/2017 15:48

What lessons? You put the clothes in and put it on.

It's not exactly hard but if you put all clothes in the same wash and then tumble dry everything there is a good chance some clothes will shrink and whites will no longer be white etc. It depends on what you wear I suppose...

motherinferior · 13/02/2017 15:54

We have two main washes: delicates, from one washing basket, and Everything Else. Goes in on one programme. No tumble dryer. Everything is fine. Even I can do it.

motherinferior · 13/02/2017 15:55

I am also quite capable of cleaning a loo and cooking pasta.

Roomster101 · 13/02/2017 16:10

We have two main washes: delicates, from one washing basket, and Everything Else. Goes in on one programme. No tumble dryer. Everything is fine. Even I can do it.

That may work for you but doesn't mean it works for everyone. Not everyone has space to hang everything everywhere and so use a tumble dryer but not everything can be tumbled so you have to know which clothes can be. Your clothes may be fine if mixed but I prefer whites to stay white. Maybe OP does too.

BlurryFace · 13/02/2017 16:22

Jesus wept, some men just think "women's work" is completely beneath them. I know of a specimen who got his wife to leave hospital early so he didn't have to cook dinner.

Washing machines are pretty self explanatory for the most part these days, aren't they? Mine has a bunch of numbers on the dial, and a list of what the numbers do on the drawer. If he's confused by which drawer takes the detergent, throwing it on top of the clothes should be fine if he starts the wash straight away. And if he can't tell the whites from the colours he needs to go to the doctor himself.

If this guy really can't do this without a woman helping him, why can't he ask for a rundown on the phone from OP/his elderly mother instead of having to get one of them to do it? He should be fucking ashamed, to be honest.

motherinferior · 13/02/2017 16:34

He could look it up on the internet. Possibly consult the instruction manual - which will be available online as a PDF if he can't find it. I can't believe someone is excusing a functional adult who doesn't know how some of the basic stuff in the house operates!

motherinferior · 13/02/2017 16:36

Frankly an adult who 'doesn't know how to do the washing' doesn't need lessons, they need to get on with it.

Juveniledelinquent · 13/02/2017 16:39

My man needs very clear instructions over what he has to do. He would never do something he doesn't normally do, even if I was on my death bed. However if I tell him clearly, in simple language what he has to do, he will do it.

They are men, they need simple instructions.

Creatureofthenight · 13/02/2017 16:44

Wow Juvenile that's hugely sexist. My 'man' can figure out a bloody washing machine, and would always take on more if I'm not well.

motherinferior · 13/02/2017 16:44

How come these simple creatures manage to operate complex machinery, run multi-million businesses, conduct scientific research, publish books, and govern countries?

They're actually just as competent as women, you know. Or are you saying that there is some weird domestic competence that you lose the minute you have a Y-chromosome?

ohtheholidays · 13/02/2017 16:44

No YANBU my ex husband(only one of the reasons he's my ex)was sodding useless when I was in hospital and my Mum was no better,between the two of them they blew up the hoover and broke my washing machine,just what I needed when I got out of hospital with a newborn baby and I'd been seriously ill and he only had 1DC to watch.

My DH is the complete opposite,we have 5DC,2 of our DC are disabled and so am I now and when I'm in hospital he does everything,all the cooking,cleaning,laundry,school runs,helps with the children's reading and homework that's ontop of visiting me and keeping his family informed(they live hours away from us)about how I'm doing.

He gets on with everything just like I would if it was the other way around.The last thing you need when your in hospital is to have to worry about if the other adult is pulling they're weight and looking after they're own DC and the home.

Text him a list and tell him you'll be in no fit state to sort it all when you get out of hospital so he needs to do the same as you would if you were at home.

I hope you feel better soon and he starts pulling his finger out before you go home Flowers

expatinscotland · 13/02/2017 16:47

My 8-year-old son, who has autism, managed to figure out how to work the washing machine on his own! Yes! And he has a penis! He even read the box the washing powder comes in and determined how much powder to put in. Yes! He even used a scale to weigh out the proper amount. I supervised the first time, but, quite naturally, he said, 'You just READ the dial and digital screen. It's not hard.'

Wonders never cease! Males are just as competent as females at domestic tasks. Someone call the press.

TheOnlyColditz · 13/02/2017 16:55

Wow. That told you.

You need to clarify to him that you aren't going to do it and any clothes that are dirty when you get home will be considered beyond rescue, binned, and replaced by him via online shopping and his credit card.

BlurryFace · 13/02/2017 16:58

Juvenile delinquent, what you are describing is a simple ploy to make it take so bloody long to have something explained that the other person just gives up and does it them self. I used to try it with my mum as a teenager, and I'm sure my kids will try it when they're older. If my husband tried it, I would call him out for it and tell him to google it and then get on with it.