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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fuming at DH not doing chores while I'm in hospital?

162 replies

WanderingStar1 · 13/02/2017 11:07

Have been in nearly a week with unexplained chest pains. DH had to take a few hours off work on wed to do the school run and then do one packed lunch Thurs then take the children swimming. He has now taken three days off this week (works mon to wed then 'farms' in between) as it's half term. He has done a few loads in the dishwasher and bathed the children last night. He fed them junk a few evenings and took them to 89 yr old MIL for a couple of proper meals.
Today I heard I will be here at least a couple more days so rang to ask him to do a load of washing - not least to get the swim stuff ready for next Thurs. He said he had dried that all out though hadn't rinsed it, and it was fine. He said they don't need to do any washing as haven't made anything dirty. When I suggested clean pj's he said there are plenty so old ones can just go in the washbin. I also asked if he could clean the loos and blip the hoover round but he just said 'that can wait, it won't hurt for one week.
He then rang back and said if I was so desperate I could tell his mum what I want washed and he'll take it to her and she'll Tumble dry it and it will all be done. I was furious at it would take twice as long to explain twice, and I just thought he could get one load of undies and towels etc done just to save total chaos when I get back. He won't listen when I say it's a 2 minute job and anyway the kids can work the machine, I'm stuck here and totally fed up and he's just happy for it all to pile up till I get back!! I do normally do all the house stuff while he does the 'mans' jobs, but he does nothing in the evenings this time of year plus he goes out two nights a week and most Sundays so he isn't exactly hard done by. Aibu???

OP posts:
DevelopingDetritus · 13/02/2017 17:00

Some men pretend they don't know how to do things, they know perfectly well.

DevelopingDetritus · 13/02/2017 17:02

*yes and teenagers too.

nobeer · 13/02/2017 17:03

YADNBU OP. Hospitals are hardly admitting people willy nilly at the moment. I was hospitalised after a heart attack and while I was in there my DH was busy looking after our baby and visiting me. He couldn't do all the cleaning too so he got a cleaner in. And when I was discharged I physically couldn't do all the housework so we continued having a cleaner. Maybe your cardiologist or cardio rehab team need to have a serious word with him.

motherinferior · 13/02/2017 17:05

I'm really disgusted that he thinks cleaning the loos is a job for a woman. Let alone a woman who has just been in hospital.

And how are you supposed to lug a Hoover round when you've been in hospital???

Chippednailvarnishing · 13/02/2017 17:06

They are men, they need simple instructions

Only the completely stupid ones.

OP when you leave hospital, check into a nice hotel and tell him you're not coming home until he has sorted the house out. For once I think the MN classic spa break might be in order.

BeIIatrixLeStrange · 13/02/2017 17:06

What an absolute dick your husband is

Juveniledelinquent · 13/02/2017 17:09

Not the completely stupid ones, my DH is extremely intelligent and would do anything for me. I only have to ask. The trick is, to lower your expectations and get to know what works.

motherinferior · 13/02/2017 17:13

I find having the same expectations I would of a woman works better. What with men being perfectly competent and all.

Chippednailvarnishing · 13/02/2017 17:14

Bollocks.

Treat men for what they are. Adults.

Unless of course you like being married to someone completely inadequate because you need them to make you feel better about yourself.

expatinscotland · 13/02/2017 17:22

'my DH is extremely intelligent and would do anything for me. I only have to ask. The trick is, to lower your expectations and get to know what works.'

Yep, he's clever enough to get you to believe domestic services are your job because he's just too ickle diddums to do them. He knows the trick alright.

Chippednailvarnishing · 13/02/2017 17:24

Expat are you having déjà vu about the Christmas threads when people where complaining about their poor DHs not being able to lift a finger or even buy them a gift?

Because I know I am!

SapphireStrange · 13/02/2017 17:27

He's being a pathetic manchild. Is a grown adult not ashamed of the idea of giving HIS household work to an 89-year-old?

'my DH is extremely intelligent and would do anything for me. I only have to ask. The trick is, to lower your expectations and get to know what works.'

Jesus wept. THIS is why so many of these manchildren roam the earth, getting away with being forever dependent. It's learned helplessness and it suits lazy, chauvinistic types very well indeed.

expatinscotland · 13/02/2017 17:37

Yes, Chipped, it's just not possible for people with a Y-chromosome. Jesus wept. Soon there will be 'get a cleaner' comments.

trinity0097 · 13/02/2017 17:44

My DH hasn't coped with my 4 admissions recently. I can barely move about at the moment, so can't do anything about his lack of brain! He out the dishwasher on this morning, but didn't put everything in. The washing hasn't been finished from the weekend, and he makes out everything is such hard work. He couldn't follow a simple list of things to bring into hospital.

I don't know why it's so hard to just keep on top of things and then make sure that there is food in the house.

Gwilt160981 · 13/02/2017 17:44

So he's looking after the kids and probably running back and forth to the hospital and "trying" to keep a house running. He probably feels lost. Give him a break.

I hope you feel better soon.

walkingtheplank · 13/02/2017 17:45

I will never understand how these men end up married. These days most couples cohabit before marriage. Why would any one be attracted to a man who treated her like a skivvy. I genuinely don't get it.

I had a boyfriend who I moved in with after 3 years. Everyone expected us to marry. However, he didn't lift a finger. He'd have lived in filth if I didn't clean up and left me alone to go to a mate's house when I had bronchitis. No thank you. Au revoir.

My husband is very thoughtful. He definitely does his share of chores, without being asked or having it explained. After my previous experience of not being care for when ill, this is a benchmark for me. When I've been hospitalised, the house has been spotless on my return. People say I'm lucky but it's not luck at all, it's choosing to marry the man you deserve.

OP I wish there was something clever you could say to him but it's clear that he's been brought up to not think housework is his job. I'd probably stop doing his washing though.

Hope you are better soon Flowers

knowler · 13/02/2017 17:46

They are men, they need simple instructions.

Seriously??!! This short sentence manages to be both sexist and insulting to men while simultaneously missing the point spectacularly. Putting a load of washing on is not bloody rocket science. It's about being a functioning member of a family. Why a woman should have to give "her man" [bleurgh] simple instructions or "lessons" setting out precisely what he needs to do to make sure the household doesn't come crashing down is beyond me.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/02/2017 17:46

'my DH is extremely intelligent and would do anything for me. I only have to ask. The trick is, to lower your expectations and get to know what works.'
What would be even better would be if these super intelligent men engaged their brains so the ill woman didn't need to ask in the first place!

My DH does his fair share of the chores and doesn't need telling what to do, just like he doesn't need telling how to drive a car, use the internet, use power tools. If someone has the ability to use a computer, navigate through everyday life, use powertools etc. then they can probably work out that clothes need washing and that the floor will stay muddy until someone cleans the mud off. Unless they don't want to do it

expatinscotland · 13/02/2017 17:46

'So he's looking after the kids and probably running back and forth to the hospital and "trying" to keep a house running. He probably feels lost. Give him a break.'

Diddums! However to lone working parents do it!? He took 3 days off work, too. And he's not trying to keep the house running, he's doing nothing and telling the OP to fob it off onto his 89-year-old mother because men can't do housework.

Roomster101 · 13/02/2017 17:48

He could look it up on the internet. Possibly consult the instruction manual - which will be available online as a PDF if he can't find it. I can't believe someone is excusing a functional adult who doesn't know how some of the basic stuff in the house operates!

Why do you think I am excusing him!!! I think it is pathetic that he can't do the washing. I am just making the point that it is possible to shrink and discolour clothes. Maybe your clothes are indestructible but mine aren't and I certainly wouldn't want someone to just shove them all together in the washing machine and tumble dryer as you seem to do.

motherinferior · 13/02/2017 17:52

A general wash programme for non-delicates neither shrinks nor discolours them. Certainly not at 30 degrees. W

motherinferior · 13/02/2017 17:55

Wouldn't know about dryers, as they're a bit crap for the environment. I and my fellow-inmates are all quite presentably clad. And if someone as hopeless around machines as I am can negotiate a washing machine, someone who deals with farming machinery certainly can.

Juveniledelinquent · 13/02/2017 17:56

I'm very happy with my DH. Yes, I have to give him clear instructions on certain things but so what?

I get sick of the MN advice, to all and sundry, to get rid of their useless DH at the drop of a hat.

Perhaps get to know what makes your DH tick and manage him appropriately, would be better advice. Yes, we'd all like the perfect man but he doesn't exist. Work with what you have and celebrate his good points.

You're not perfect yourself.

motherinferior · 13/02/2017 17:59

The idea of 'managing' my partner makes me feel a bit nauseous.

Juveniledelinquent · 13/02/2017 18:01

Ok, use a different word Mrs Mothersuperior, learn how to bloody live with him, how's that?