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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is suspicious

147 replies

Fireandflames666 · 13/02/2017 10:13

Partner has been messaging woman from work, old messages have been deleted but i managed to seenone this morning saying

"Hello Mrs, hope you're ok today? x "

I hope I'm bu.

OP posts:

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 14/02/2017 11:41

Perhaps Borrowedheart could consider that the OP's anxiety could actually be a response to the husband's cheating, rather than the other way around.

From the relationship board it seems to be very common that trouble in a relationship is caused by the cheater detaching from their partner, and that the cheating is not caused by anything done by the unsuspecting partner.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 14/02/2017 11:50

borrowed literally everyone but you is reading your posts as you justifying his actions. Perhaps you need to accept that if that is not what you meant then you clearly did not express yourself very well and just apologise for that rather than keep insisting you are right "because....."

Nanna50 · 14/02/2017 11:53

BorrowedHeart Living with someone with any long term illness whether mental or physical health can be difficult. It does not mean that the person is not lovable, nor does it give a partner an excuse to fall out of love, lie or cheat. Perhaps you are projecting your own fears here.

QuinoaKeen · 14/02/2017 11:59

Can we all stop feeding the insensitive poster who has derailed and made the thread all about them?

OP - I am so sorry your suspicions were confirmed. Do you have some friends you can lean on? Stay strong.

BorrowedHeart · 14/02/2017 12:48

Ok I apologise, I have never been good at explaining myself and I think I need to realise that more. I do think finding life hard with someone is a good enough reason to fall out of love though, I guess. My daughter has a long term illness, well life long really, I feel I haven't bonded with her as well as my oldest, because of how hard it was and is but I still love her, so again I could be wrong on that too. Just want to say sorry, I didn't mean to 'derail' the thread.

BorrowedHeart · 14/02/2017 12:50

quinoa I haven't made the thread about me, no need to be rude about me just directed it at me instead, maybe then it won't fee so bitchy.

bloodymaria · 14/02/2017 12:59

What a shame your thread got so massively derailed OP. Hope you are doing ok today, this is in no way your fault and you will come through this

NavyandWhite · 14/02/2017 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rixera · 14/02/2017 13:18

But borrowed the thing is he still made the choice.
I cheated on my OH. He suspected me of cheating for 3 years during which he was the only person I ever thought about, I spent so much time trying to impress him, but he would pick on every little thing (I was dressed nicely to meet him- he suspected I was impressing someone at my workplace. I had two cups on the table, one of tea one of water, they couldn't both be mine.) so when a predatory 'friend' of mine came creeping I responded to the messages, sent pics etc.

But OH didn't MAKE me do that. I chose to do that, rather than say 'the way you are treating me is causing me to feel hurt and angry'.
I'm lucky that OH gave me the chance to cut off contact with the other man and work jointly on our relationship, but he would have been within his rights to end it.

OP's man could have ended it. Could have addressed the issue. Could have spoken about the temptation to cheat and asked to go to couples counselling. Could have done a lot of things but chose to cheat, and that choice is his responsibility, not OP's.

Original poster

Fireandflames666 · 14/02/2017 13:19

We talked most of the night. I asked if he loved her..got silent treatment.... Asked if he loved me...more silent treatment....loves the kids though apparantly.

Said he's not done anything with her (i don't believe it), I'm getting tested this week.

The saddest thing is i let him have so much freedom. Out doing hobbies, out with friends, didn't have to do any housework, never had to do anything for the kids. He has cyclic vomiting syndrom once a year, i waited on him on my birthday week with no complaints.

I'm a Damn fool.

OP posts:

Bettyspants · 14/02/2017 13:21

Oh my god. Op I certainly wasn't expecting this when I read your post. I'm so so sorry , I hope he is out of the house and you can get some support . You and your DC are number ones , he has put lust before his family which I find abhorrent. Much love for you

QuinoaKeen · 14/02/2017 13:26

You're not a fool. You're a good person. But now your trust has been massively betrayed.
I bet your H will soon realise he has made an enormous mistake when the reality of the life you maintained for him hits him. Get hard OP. Get all your documents and bank details and find out as much info as you can about your entitlements. Knowledge is power. Leave this man-child in your dust.

Also . Be kind to yourself. You have had a massive shock.

ambereeree · 14/02/2017 13:27

how awful. What a complete shit he is. The other woman probably doesn't know about you and the dcs and will probably give him the boot when she does.

NavyandWhite · 14/02/2017 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Fireandflames666 · 14/02/2017 13:46

She does know about me, she works with him. She seemed really genuine as well, was lovely with my kids when i popped in to his work.

It's our children I'm broken for. How can he put his feelings before his own blood.

OP posts:

QuinoaKeen · 14/02/2017 13:52

It won't last between them Fire.
It's not quite as romantic when life's realities hit home.

At a minimum, stop doing his laundry, cooking, cleaning and anything else that you do for him. He no longer deserves your help. Do you have friends nearby who can help YOU though?

DontTouchTheMoustache · 14/02/2017 14:19

Op you must be an absolute mess and I really feel for you. He is an utterly shit and he doesn't deserve you. Agree with PP about getting clued up about everything and make sure you are protected financially if you have a joint account or savings make sure you take out half so he can't take it all from you. It's going to be shit for a long time but slowly it will get better. You are strong enough to do this alone.

Original poster

Fireandflames666 · 14/02/2017 14:27

I'll be doing things me and the kids need. I'm not being his housemaid or nanny, he can get stuffed.

I've already got phone numbers for help, i just need all the necessary paperwork now.

OP posts:

Tracey300884 · 14/02/2017 17:59

Fire&flames666 OMG I've only just seen this I'm so so sorry. I was in the same situation a year ago.

Feel free to PM me. For a chat or advice. I know A LOT about single parenting, tax credits & hating selfish men that abandon their families! X

thegoodnameshadgone · 14/02/2017 18:14

It will get better. One door closes another door opens. You are obv heartbroken now but sound very strong. I'm sorry your going through this. big hugs.

My ex did this to me with a girl from work. Told me a girl liked him and I said jokingly "is the prettier then me and he said "yes obviously, she's stunning"

It's been three years and I'm much happier. If I can be you can be.

He is an absolute loser and will no doubt want you back. Just say no as you deserve so much better. Xx

Cubtrouble · 14/02/2017 18:22

op. Sorry to read to the end. Chin up lovely.

FookyNell · 14/02/2017 22:45

*Fireandflames666 Tue 14-Feb-17 14:27:32
I'll be doing things me and the kids need. I'm not being his housemaid or nanny, he can get stuffed.

I've already got phone numbers for help, i just need all the necessary paperwork now.*

That's the ticket. I feel for you but mostly I'm sending you strength to fight for you and your children.

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