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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is suspicious

147 replies

Fireandflames666 · 13/02/2017 10:13

Partner has been messaging woman from work, old messages have been deleted but i managed to seenone this morning saying

"Hello Mrs, hope you're ok today? x "

I hope I'm bu.

OP posts:
LoveDeathPrizes · 14/02/2017 10:42

How have her 'actions caused a break up'? Are we to assume that she popped his penis into another person?

BorrowedHeart · 14/02/2017 10:44

Has he actually had sex or just messaging (both are cheating) just trying to understand your comment. I said her actions could have made him fall out of love, I didn't say it caused his cheating. Can people really not read?

Bluebellevergreen · 14/02/2017 10:45

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but given how you reacted over a text (ok in this case you were right) maybe your anxiety etc was just suffocating him and that's why he fell out of love with you.. it isn't you as such, just a problem that you have that he maybe felt pushed away. "

Absolutely NOT. A decent person doesnt find a new lover secretly and blame it on someone's anxieties. That text spoke loud and clear to me and OP was right.

This way of thinking does so much wrong for people.

OP listen to me carefully.

I have been there, thankfully no DC then. I was also blamed for being jealous, suffocating, etc. Took years of being single and therapy. Guess what, happily married now and never doubted DH.
So... was it my anxiety???? I doubt it, it was the wrong man and he blamed me for his cheating.

Don't let him do this to you.

There is ALWAYS a choice. He could have told you. He could have discussed. Instead he has been deceiving and lying, getting texts in his home where his children live.
I find it disgusting.

So sorry.

Never let anyone pin this on you.

borrowed are you projecting/ justifying your actions in the past? Decent people don't lie and blame the victim

BorrowedHeart · 14/02/2017 10:48

no, I've never cheated but I can be crazy so could understand if my partner stopped loving me one day. Been cheated on though, but he was abusive so not sure if it counts.

Bluebellevergreen · 14/02/2017 10:48

Yes borrowed we can read. People fall out of love. That is nobody's fault. But you said literally "just a problem that you have and he maybe felt pushed away"
"A problem that you have""he felt pushed away"
If this is not justifying then I dont know what it is

And yes again, we can read

LoveDeathPrizes · 14/02/2017 10:48

It's called inference. It's integral to reading competence. I think you'll find we're all using it quite well.

BorrowedHeart · 14/02/2017 10:49

But I haven't justified his cheating? Just the falling out of love but.

BorrowedHeart · 14/02/2017 10:49

Bit*

Bluebellevergreen · 14/02/2017 10:49

Oh, cheated on by abusive partner and now blaming the victim. I am sorry that happened to you but you have a distorted view of the issue now

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 14/02/2017 10:49

Who said he has fallen out of love?

Bluebellevergreen · 14/02/2017 10:49

"I can be crazy"
That is your ex talking

DontTouchTheMoustache · 14/02/2017 10:50

Have you ever been cheated on borrowed? That feeling of absolute betrayal it brings never leaves you and it destroys your trust in people. It's like when people get burgled and don't feel safe in their own home anymore, you never feel like you can trust a partner again. For doing that to her there is no excuse and that's why people are upset with you and your opinion. No you have not directly condoned the cheating but you seem to be repeatedly pushing the point that op somehow deserved this outcome (despite not knowing anything of the circumstances). Op has just had her world torn apart and there is no excuse for her partner to do that to her. It was selfish, especially when they have 2 young children together. Selfish people who cheat will always try and push the blame onto others because guilt is a very unpleasant emotion. Perhaps your opinion is just not needed right now, if op.starts a thread later trying to work out what went wrong maybe then you can try and get to the bottom of it but for now the op needs support.

BorrowedHeart · 14/02/2017 10:50

I've only ever had one ex, and I don't think he called me crazy.

BorrowedHeart · 14/02/2017 10:51

The op said, that her partner said he had fallen out of love.

BorrowedHeart · 14/02/2017 10:52

donttouch yes I have.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 14/02/2017 10:53

Then try and have some compassion and understand what she might be going through. She is facing the prospect of being a single mum to two young children, she is probably terrified.

BeIIatrixLeStrange · 14/02/2017 11:03

Theres not enough info here to know for sure, but I would feel uncomfortable about it - I probably wouldn't do anything at this level though - he doesn't appear to have DONE anything

But the question is, is the intention there..

DontTouchTheMoustache · 14/02/2017 11:04

bellatrix serious case of you need to RTFT.

kingpin20 · 14/02/2017 11:04

Unfortunately it does sound suspicious. If you ask him about it and he gets all defensive and tries to make out you are being unreasonable, then that is even more suspicious.

If there was nothing going on, surely he would be horrified you would think that and try to reassure you any way possible?

He has a different world at work and might flirt with this woman, so might not see this as cheating. Which it isn't really. But it is not 'innocent' either and a very dangerous path to be treading.

Are you having any problems at the moment? Maybe he is using this woman as a distraction to this and has no intention of actually cheating. Just making himself feel good for the attention she is giving?

I would tell him you trust him, but that you don't understand why he is texting her so much if shes just a work collegue. Just let him know you are feeling a bit insecure and only he can help you out with that.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 14/02/2017 11:08

For those who can't be bothered to read the full tweet or even OP updates: he has admitted he had been cheated and the relationship is over.

Nanna50 · 14/02/2017 11:09

So he has fallen out of love and BorrowedHeart thinks this could be because she is anxious and has pushed him away? So what does the bastard do when he falls out of love?
Does he tell her? No.
Does he try to help her? No.
Does he walk away? No.
Does he man up? No he makes her more fucking anxious by lying and cheating and then some poster comes on here and ups the anxiety by saying maybe its your own fault?
Great insight and empathy there BorrowedHeart ffs.

NavyandWhite · 14/02/2017 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BorrowedHeart · 14/02/2017 11:34

I have anxiety, that's why I can see that it can be hard for a partner to deal with, I also have depression which doesn't help.

BorrowedHeart · 14/02/2017 11:36

I haven't justified the affair, I've clearly stated the cheating was wrong and he should have ended things and been honest with her, but having anxiety can be hard on others just as it's hard for the person, and that can contribute to someone falling out of love, again I have not confined the cheating. Stop twisting things and reading what you want into my posts.

BorrowedHeart · 14/02/2017 11:36

Condoned*

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