AIBU about husband's 'secret'? WWYD?

[Mum2Hallie]

So my husband and I have gone through quite a few rocky patches over the years - nearly split up last year, but in the end decided to give it another go (around November time). Since then, things have been going pretty well. The 'being extra nice and helpful' bit wore off after a couple of weeks, but I can cope with that. However...

Half term is coming up (w/c 20th Feb where we live). We both work full time -me in an office, and DH from home with regular travel to clients. I can't take time off this half term, so asked DH if he could - said he was far too busy (which is fine) so i booked DD into a holiday club for the week - this discussion happened about three / four weeks ago.

Yesterday (by chance) I was using his iPad and went into the web browser - his work emails came up and the top message was from his boss about 'annual leave confirmed' - couldn't think why he'd be booking time off, so clicked on it out of curiosity. Saw a chain with the original email from him sent to his boss booking that week off as 'it's half term' then this recent email (Friday just gone) was amending it to four days off instead of five.

I'm flabbergasted. What is he DOING? Gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked for his schedule for that week (something we discuss a lot to organise who picks up / drops off DD). He talked through a really busy week with lots of visits to clients.

I then asked him how much holiday he had left (giving him another chance to own up) and he said 'oh a few days but I'm going to loose it all as I can't spare the time off at the
minute'

Given that a lot of our previous issues were based on his frequent dishonesty and my subsequent trust issues, I'm devastated.

I have no idea how to broach this with him, as I feel like it will be the end if I do.

Can anyone think of why this might be reasonable (from his side?) AIBU???? I can't tell anymore 😢

Get a screen shot of the emails otherwise he'll deny it totally.

@peggy - agree it's not odd to want that, but you must concede it's odd to lie in such a way? Surely adults just say to each other 'hey I'm taking two days holiday and won't be doing anything productive during that time', no? Am I being naive thinking that's a reasonable thing to do and to expect?

I would wait and try and catch him out. If you ask beforehand, he could just make up a lie and you'd never find out.
I'd be very temped to call in sick to work but not tell him and see what he's up to.

Best case scenario is that he's really behind in work and trying to catch up...

Euphemia he obviously doesn't want to do childcare all week... it may be selfish but I can understand why he wouldn't want to do it. Just because OP might want him to do it doesn't mean he has to - it's not OP who has paid for the extra childcare, I guess it's come out of family money so he has paid for it too.

I don't think it matters what he's doing in the time off, he's still being dishonest.

You can wait and try and catch him out. But if it turns out the absolute best case scenario that people have proposed is the case and he's at home catching up on work without pressure - how does that make him trust worthy? He's still lying to you. Why would he not have told you that that was what he needed to do and discussed whether there was a better way to accommodate his work needs and your daughter's childcare needs?

You say you are reluctant to broach because that might mean the end, but surely his booking time off and lying to you about it means the end? You not mentioning it - that's not going to bring trust back is it?

I'd be livid that he lied, and annoyed that he was using his holidays and leaving himself with none to actually spend with his family.

If he wanted to have time to himself he could have taken a couple of days to look after the DD and then a day or two for himself. Easier though to leave it to the OP to do all the organising - I bet he's "too busy" to do pick up and drop off as well.

If he hasn't got any form for being unfaithful, then don't leap to that OP.

I work from home and even though I might often say that I've got tons on, can't plan anything etc. I often give myself a bit of leeway. But I"m self employed so no boss to justify it to.

It could easily be that he wants the freedom of coming and going when he wants work wise for a week, but he still is busy and has work on.

The problem is that he's not being honest with you, I get that. I think you should keep your powder dry and see how the week pans out, but personally I'd last about two minutes before I just bloody asked him what he was playing at.

I don't think he's cheating though, for what it's worth.

Of he's anything like my dh he'd take the time off to play PS games all week

I can't imagine it would be an affair as it's a really odd time to be taking a week off, you would do it at a less conspicuous time surely?

It does sound like he wants a few days off doing nothing, which is fine but he shouldn't be lying to you especially after the relationship issues.

I would wait until Monday evening and ask what he did for the day then if he doesn't own up have it out with him.

bahh I don't really think it's odd. OP is working, what if he thought when I'm off OP is going to give me a list of stuff to do - look after dd, get her a hair cut, cut the grass, paper the spare room, shave the dog etc. Etc. He probably thinking fuck that I'm not doing all that work when I'm off, I would be better off working I wouldn't be as busy. So to get a rest it easier to tell a white lie...

Thank you all for your messages. I guess I've just been procrastinating and hoping that there was some obvious thing I hadn't thought of which would excuse it! #Naive. I honestly just feel so deflated and stupid. Regardless of why he's done it, I feel so angry that he's made a fool out of me yet again. I really don't think he would cheat, but hey - clearly I don't know much, so maybe he is. Current thoughts are that, when I get home tomorrow, I will ask him for details about his day. If he lies, I'll hand him this post printed off with all the comments and just walk away.

He's up to something. Don't give him the opportunity to lie to you. Catch him out. Take the day off / sick and follow him. Then have it out and do what you need to do. You can't carry on like this.

Seems really odd that he would do that, but definitely followthebastard give him the benefit of the doubt until tomorrow afternoon

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If you do then make sure that you name change if/when you start another thread

Why not just tell him you have seen the email?

he probably just wants some 'me time'.

It doesn't sound good. You must be gutted.

Euphemia Its a week off work, sorry it's not something I could get worked up about. I certainly wouldn't think someone was a cunt or a bastard for doing this, that's a massive over reaction.

I'm amazed at the people justifying the blatant lies and disrespect with "maybe he just wants time to himself".

I agree that you should probably say nothing, and follow him.

Even if it's not an affair, the not telling you he's booked off holiday is very dishonest. Might be an affair, might be he just wants to catch up on his work's backlog, but if so that's the sort of thing a wife woild normally know about. Good luck with whatever you decide OP. Big hug.