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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about husband's 'secret'? WWYD?

352 replies

Mum2Hallie · 12/02/2017 17:52

So my husband and I have gone through quite a few rocky patches over the years - nearly split up last year, but in the end decided to give it another go (around November time). Since then, things have been going pretty well. The 'being extra nice and helpful' bit wore off after a couple of weeks, but I can cope with that. However...

Half term is coming up (w/c 20th Feb where we live). We both work full time -me in an office, and DH from home with regular travel to clients. I can't take time off this half term, so asked DH if he could - said he was far too busy (which is fine) so i booked DD into a holiday club for the week - this discussion happened about three / four weeks ago.

Yesterday (by chance) I was using his iPad and went into the web browser - his work emails came up and the top message was from his boss about 'annual leave confirmed' - couldn't think why he'd be booking time off, so clicked on it out of curiosity. Saw a chain with the original email from him sent to his boss booking that week off as 'it's half term' then this recent email (Friday just gone) was amending it to four days off instead of five.

I'm flabbergasted. What is he DOING? Gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked for his schedule for that week (something we discuss a lot to organise who picks up / drops off DD). He talked through a really busy week with lots of visits to clients.

I then asked him how much holiday he had left (giving him another chance to own up) and he said 'oh a few days but I'm going to loose it all as I can't spare the time off at the
minute'

Given that a lot of our previous issues were based on his frequent dishonesty and my subsequent trust issues, I'm devastated.

I have no idea how to broach this with him, as I feel like it will be the end if I do.

Can anyone think of why this might be reasonable (from his side?) AIBU???? I can't tell anymore 😢

OP posts:

Nospringflower · 12/02/2017 18:41

@gottogetmyfingerout I think it sounds weirder written down than it did at the time! I guess the difference is that if I had been asked I would have said I was off I just never mentioned it but I did tell my friends! I also wasnt avoiding child care.

daisypond · 12/02/2017 18:41

HughLauries - he books the time off work because he wants to take his leave to hang around not doing anything or doing his hobby or whatever. He tells his boss he needs this week off because it's half term and needs to look after his DC.

Janey50 · 12/02/2017 18:44

Sounds like he fancied a week off without having to do any childcare. What an arse. I would ho!d your fire for the moment,don't challenge him yet otherwise it will give him a chance to wriggle out of it. I would do as PPs have said and pop home to catch him out,but park at the end of your road and walk the rest of the way so as not to alert him to your presence. Hopefully that way you will find out the truth.

PregnantAndEngaged · 12/02/2017 18:45

I can't understand why he'd lie.. it's OK to just say actually I would like a couple of days relaxation as I've had a stressful time at work so can you book DD into a club, then that'd be fine. But it seems a bit suspicious that he hasn't told you.

Oblomov17 · 12/02/2017 18:46

Screenshot. Then wait till Tuesday evening and then ask?

Affair? Trust lost anyway. Basically over.

KatyBerry · 12/02/2017 18:48

I am self employed, therefore earn nothing if I don't work. DH has a whopping 35 days / year very well paid holiday. After I complained about his total absence of help / days off over the summer holiday, he relented and booked a couple of days off. After the kids had gone back to school. He went to music shops and noodled with buttons and knobs and had a perfectly nice time. No affair, just utter selfish abdication of any family responsibility. It could well be similar. It's still twattish though

Wondermoomin · 12/02/2017 18:51

Yanbu. It's not much wonder that you can't trust him. Hope you get to the bottom of it and find a solution.

SemiNormal · 12/02/2017 18:51

I would be highly suspicious but I would wait until Tuesday because it's Valentines day so there may be the possibility of him planning a surprise for then? if not then I would be even more suspicious that this mystery week off happens to coincide with Valentines day!

TENSHI · 12/02/2017 18:52

Trust/dishonesty issues before?

Op a leopard doesn't change his spots so for you to expect a lying cheat to be honest and loyal is a fantasy in itself.

As long as you prefer the fantasy of him being a kind, loyal, hardworking devoted dh and don't actually want the reality then carry on normally, don't dig around and don't speculate as you will/might find your world crashing.

Lancelottie · 12/02/2017 18:52

Nope, not Valentine's; the OP says it's the week starting 20th, not tomorrow.

debbs77 · 12/02/2017 18:53

Ooh watching with interest

iMatter · 12/02/2017 18:53

I'm so sorry op. It looks like he might be spending his days off with someone else .

Can you call his bluff and tell him you've managed to get time off and see what he does?

sofiainwonderland · 12/02/2017 18:54

Hopefully he just wants to surprise you, perhaps for Valentine's day? Jesus, I always see the good in people must change that

Jenbob13 · 12/02/2017 18:57

Catch the lying bastard out red handed. You will feel more empowered when castrating the horrid twat helping him pack his bags.

ChocoChou · 12/02/2017 18:58

Oh OP it doesn't sound good does it.
I really hope he's just so overwhelmed with work at the mo that he needs some time to himself.
It still don't excuse the lying though.

(For what it's worth I would be tracking his ass... but I have HUGE trust issues)

SemiNormal · 12/02/2017 18:59

Nope, not Valentine's; the OP says it's the week starting 20th, not tomorrow. - Oops, missed that bit, thanks. In that case I'd confront, I'd be too impatient to wait that long to find out.

LindyHemming · 12/02/2017 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peggyundercrackers · 12/02/2017 19:02

I don't think it's odd at all, I've done this on more than one occasion. He obviously wants time off to spend at home on his own doing nothing. If he's off he will probably be given a list of things to do whereas he just wants a rest from everything.

My kids always go to the childminder if I'm off, why would I keep them at home with me? if I'm off work I want a rest and not be running to the nursery/school, cooking, tidying etc. etc. It's good to be able to do your own thing for a week and not have someone else trying to steal your time

HyacinthsBucket · 12/02/2017 19:03

Regardless of what he is doing, in very simple black and white terms - he isn't telling you the truth.

SorrelSoup · 12/02/2017 19:04

Yeah but you'd just say that; not lie. Especially given the relationship troubles.

peggyundercrackers · 12/02/2017 19:04

f he's off he will probably be given a list of things to do whereas he just wants a rest from everything

Sorry that should have read if OP knew he was off he would probably get a list of jobs that need done during the week but he probably wants a rest from everything.

LittleRed90 · 12/02/2017 19:04

I would take an emergency/compassionate/whatever the heck they call it these days day off. I wouldn't tell him about it and would, as others have suggested, find out what the heck he's up to.

To be honest, this is something my OH might possibly do if he didn't know that I would find out. I imagine him sleeping in until lunch time, eating a lot and wanking all afternoon (despite getting regular sex, he is a shit bag on occasion). Apologies for the crudeness but some men are just like this. I'd still be absolutely LIVID as the dishonesty and the fact that you've had to pay to have your child taken care of for the week when HE, as her bloomin' father, could have spent some quality time with her.

If it's something more sinister, you can stroll through the door, ask how his day has been and then sock it to him. I would personally print off the leave confirmation email and casually hand it to him and tell him to explain himself. He wants to behave like a child, he can accept being treated as such.

hungryhippo90 · 12/02/2017 19:05

I'm sorry OP, can't think of a reason that he's done this and is acceptable.

peggyundercrackers · 12/02/2017 19:05

Sorrel nope I would lie.

JennyOnAPlate · 12/02/2017 19:05

I would tell him you've decided you can manage to take a couple of days off in half term after all and watch his reaction.

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