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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about husband's 'secret'? WWYD?

352 replies

Mum2Hallie · 12/02/2017 17:52

So my husband and I have gone through quite a few rocky patches over the years - nearly split up last year, but in the end decided to give it another go (around November time). Since then, things have been going pretty well. The 'being extra nice and helpful' bit wore off after a couple of weeks, but I can cope with that. However...

Half term is coming up (w/c 20th Feb where we live). We both work full time -me in an office, and DH from home with regular travel to clients. I can't take time off this half term, so asked DH if he could - said he was far too busy (which is fine) so i booked DD into a holiday club for the week - this discussion happened about three / four weeks ago.

Yesterday (by chance) I was using his iPad and went into the web browser - his work emails came up and the top message was from his boss about 'annual leave confirmed' - couldn't think why he'd be booking time off, so clicked on it out of curiosity. Saw a chain with the original email from him sent to his boss booking that week off as 'it's half term' then this recent email (Friday just gone) was amending it to four days off instead of five.

I'm flabbergasted. What is he DOING? Gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked for his schedule for that week (something we discuss a lot to organise who picks up / drops off DD). He talked through a really busy week with lots of visits to clients.

I then asked him how much holiday he had left (giving him another chance to own up) and he said 'oh a few days but I'm going to loose it all as I can't spare the time off at the
minute'

Given that a lot of our previous issues were based on his frequent dishonesty and my subsequent trust issues, I'm devastated.

I have no idea how to broach this with him, as I feel like it will be the end if I do.

Can anyone think of why this might be reasonable (from his side?) AIBU???? I can't tell anymore 😢

OP posts:
scootinFun · 12/02/2017 19:23

Nannycam maybe?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 12/02/2017 19:23

He's lying to his wife in a marriage where lies have already been a recent issue.

Whatever his reasons, OP is not overreacting at all!

Bahh · 12/02/2017 19:24

@peggy no I get that, what I'm saying is shouldn't he be grown up enough to say he's taking some days for himself and he won't be doing any jobs OP wants done etc? Everyone is entitled to lazy days. Just be honest and say that's what you're doing, I think it's weird to lie.

TheTantrumCometh · 12/02/2017 19:24

It doesn't look good. But I understand wanting to convince yourself it's something else. You shouldn't try and ignore the behaviour though.

GoesDownLikeACupOfColdSick · 12/02/2017 19:24

If he had someone else he was sufficiently serious about to want to spend 4 days with, he may well have left already or there would have been other signs.

I suspect it's more that he fancies doing fuckall than that he has something going on, but the willingness to lie and the selfishness are the deal breakers in my humble opinion. Really sorry OP.

DJKKSlider · 12/02/2017 19:24

Onion

Because he'd likely lie his way out of it.
You'd get,
"Fair cop, you got me, I wanted to sit around in my pants watching jezza'

When really he's been off doing god knows what woith god knows who.

Thing is, even if it was the lesser excuse, he wanted to sit around d I. His pants etc, that's fucking shitty enough anyway. He wanted to do nothing whilst kids and wife have to work and go to holiday club etc?

Either way, he's a shit.

ToDuk · 12/02/2017 19:25

Presumably if the OP decided to stay home tomorrow one way or another her dh would then just go out to his important meetings so would get away with it.

If I were the OP I would screen shot the email chain booking the leave and email it to myself then shown it to him.

BarFlyInThePeanuts · 12/02/2017 19:26

I agree he is looking to have time off without doing childcare.

Bahh · 12/02/2017 19:26

@OP I don't think people are being helpful encouraging you to follow him like this is some TV soap. If you're expecting him to be open and honest, you should do the same. Have the difficult conversation. Say you've seen the email and ask him why he's taking secret days off. Tell him regardless of the innocence of the reason behind the lie, the act of lying has once again broken your trust and have an adult conversation about next steps.

BarFlyInThePeanuts · 12/02/2017 19:28

Sorry also why tomorrow will you ask him? Didn't you say w/c 20th? Isn't that next week? I could be reading wrong as I am ill!

arethereanyleftatall · 12/02/2017 19:29

I haven't time to ttft so apologies if this has been said, let's face it in five pages probably has. Nevertheless...
Quite often on mn you get someone saying they've got the day off, and they're not going to tell their hubby because they just want to do nothing. And there are a lot of 'go for it, I would' reaponses.
Mind, 4 days is a lot of nothing.
I wouldn't do anything till after half term.

AYankinSpanx · 12/02/2017 19:30

Say you've seen the email and ask him why he's taking secret days off. Tell him regardless of the innocence of the reason behind the lie, the act of lying has once again broken your trust and have an adult conversation about next steps

Yep. That's what I'd do on balance.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/02/2017 19:31

Oh, just read some. It's been said plenty. Apologies.

FlyMeToTheMoonLiterally · 12/02/2017 19:33

Sorry you are going through this OP Flowers
I would also take a day off and follow him

Imhavingcheesefries · 12/02/2017 19:33

At worst he's having an affair

At best he can't be arsed to have DD

SorrelSoup · 12/02/2017 19:34

Yes what's all this tomorrow talk?

QueenArseClangers · 12/02/2017 19:36

Holiday club isn't cheap.
Even if his motives are 'innocent' (but selfish) he's making out that he can't care for DD this taking £££ out of the family pot.

Gaelach · 12/02/2017 19:36

Sorry this is happening to you OP. I'm wrecking my brain to think of a valid reason for doing what he's done and can't come up with one Sad

Vitamintea · 12/02/2017 19:36

Hmmmmm, the tomorrow thing raised my eyebrows too - half term is a week tomorrow. Another weeks to wait folks.....😉

Iggi999 · 12/02/2017 19:37

When you ask him though you will never know if he is lying - "I spending the days with my lover", "I'm spending them scratching my balls and playing Fifa", "I'm spending them redecorating the house love".
You will only know for sure which it is if he has already been doing it!

supersop60 · 12/02/2017 19:37

Why on earth didn't he book a week off in term-time, if he didn't want to do childcare? I don't always tell my DP if my workload happens to be lighter on certain days - I relish having the house to myself for a couple of hours. Sometimes when I tell him I've got a late start he will give me jobs to do - can you just pop to Wickes/wherever and get x,y,z,? Can you call a,b,c and ask them ......whatever. But this is just a couple of hours here and there - not a whole week. You need to have a talk. Good luck.

Iggi999 · 12/02/2017 19:38

I'm on half term now. I don't think the OP gave her postcode.

AntiHop · 12/02/2017 19:40

It's half term tomorrow round here.

SorrelSoup · 12/02/2017 19:42

Half term is coming up (w/c 20th Feb where we live)
No, not her postcode.

peggyundercrackers · 12/02/2017 19:44

Why are people saying follow him? He works from home... where's he gonna go? The end of the hall to his office. Your gonna look stupid if you follow him around the house all day OP.

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