Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about husband's 'secret'? WWYD?

352 replies

Mum2Hallie · 12/02/2017 17:52

So my husband and I have gone through quite a few rocky patches over the years - nearly split up last year, but in the end decided to give it another go (around November time). Since then, things have been going pretty well. The 'being extra nice and helpful' bit wore off after a couple of weeks, but I can cope with that. However...

Half term is coming up (w/c 20th Feb where we live). We both work full time -me in an office, and DH from home with regular travel to clients. I can't take time off this half term, so asked DH if he could - said he was far too busy (which is fine) so i booked DD into a holiday club for the week - this discussion happened about three / four weeks ago.

Yesterday (by chance) I was using his iPad and went into the web browser - his work emails came up and the top message was from his boss about 'annual leave confirmed' - couldn't think why he'd be booking time off, so clicked on it out of curiosity. Saw a chain with the original email from him sent to his boss booking that week off as 'it's half term' then this recent email (Friday just gone) was amending it to four days off instead of five.

I'm flabbergasted. What is he DOING? Gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked for his schedule for that week (something we discuss a lot to organise who picks up / drops off DD). He talked through a really busy week with lots of visits to clients.

I then asked him how much holiday he had left (giving him another chance to own up) and he said 'oh a few days but I'm going to loose it all as I can't spare the time off at the
minute'

Given that a lot of our previous issues were based on his frequent dishonesty and my subsequent trust issues, I'm devastated.

I have no idea how to broach this with him, as I feel like it will be the end if I do.

Can anyone think of why this might be reasonable (from his side?) AIBU???? I can't tell anymore 😢

OP posts:
lavenirestanous · 12/02/2017 18:25

Is he depressed? Needing time alone? I'm a bit of a loner and have inthe past booked a day just to do my own thing. Admittedly not the best part of a week and not to avoid childcare commitments either.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 12/02/2017 18:25

If he's taking time off to catch up on work, why does it need to be a secret from his wife?

PastysPrincess · 12/02/2017 18:25

I would wait to see if he surprises you with something and then catch him out if the surprise isn't forthcoming.

Maybe he has arranged something with your boss and they are going to share your workload out but haven't told you to keep the surprise alive

SpongebobRoundPants · 12/02/2017 18:25

My first thought is that he doesn't want to look after his own daughter.

Rabbit12345 · 12/02/2017 18:26

I wouldn't jump to an affair conclusion OP.

However confronting him now will give him a chance to lie his way out of it if he intends to do so.

Ultimately he has lied to you again. You have given him enough chances to tell the truth! Does the reason why even matter? Would you believe his explanations anyway?

Lying is manipulation at best and abuse at it's worse. It has resulted in your ability to trust. I would ponder that before I decided how to deal with him if I were you.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 12/02/2017 18:26

I wouldn't say a thing and would turn on location services on his mobile so you can check and see where he went on Monday! What kind of mob does he have?

Fairenuff · 12/02/2017 18:26

Has he cheated on you before?

00100001 · 12/02/2017 18:27

Why would anyone take annual leave to DO WORK??? ConfusedConfused

No way would I work for free!

stella23 · 12/02/2017 18:27

Can you get into his phone and look at the places visited part not many people know it's there.

I think I'd follow him tbh, take Dd to her club first

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 12/02/2017 18:27

Nospring sorry but that's weird!

womanwithoutasong · 12/02/2017 18:27

Bide your time, book a day or two off next week and follow him.

If you confront him now, he'll just bullshit you and you'll never know what he was up to.

Could he be having an affair with one of his clients? Has he had mentionitis at all?

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/02/2017 18:28

"I have no idea how to broach this with him, as I feel like it will be the end if I do."
I think it's the end already Sad. Sorry, but I do. The trust is just not there. Indeed, it would be demonstrably foolish to trust him.

It doesn't matter what he could be doing with his time this week. Catching up on work, having an affair, learning Cantonese. He lied. Repeatedly lied.

rollonthesummer · 12/02/2017 18:28

Very odd-did you take a copy of the email?

SorrelSoup · 12/02/2017 18:28

I wouldn't have the energy to play games; I'd just ask him outright. It's not like it's tomorrow, it's a whole other week to wait.

wowbutter · 12/02/2017 18:30

I would be asking him outright, but then again, my DH and I constantly read each other's texts and emails so it's never a thing.

You need to find out what on earth is happening? What a weird thing for him to do.

daisypond · 12/02/2017 18:31

Half term is tomorrow, isn't it? At least, it is where I live. Not wanting to look after his DC was my first thought.

womanwithoutasong · 12/02/2017 18:31

If you come back to the house to check on him, park down the road and walk to the house. go around the back so as not to alert him to your presence. You'll see if he's 'working from home' or not.

Bahh · 12/02/2017 18:31

This is bloody awful.

It all seems a bit too cliche for it to be an affair. I suspect he just fancies a week off. Which is perfectly understandable IMO and perhaps if he had been honest about that you could have come to a compromise. DD in holiday club for a couple of days instead of the whole week or he looks after her this week and gets time to himself next week.

But this is a different story. This is quite a big thing to lie about, assuming he's then going to pretend every day he's been to work and done this and that. He's also cost you as a family what I'm guessing is a decent chunk of change in the form of DDs holiday club.

Plus if dishonesty has already caused serious issues in your relationship, he's ruined the trust again over something really silly. From your perspective I don't know if I could believe much of anything he said from now on, so yeah if you have the talk it's probably going to be the end. Doesn't sound like a bad thing in the long run though, sorry to say.

At least DD is out of the house all week and he's obviously got free time to be able to pack some stuff and find somewhere to go.

Sorry this is happening to you x

Ohyesiam · 12/02/2017 18:32

Bide your time and confront at the time. Sorry you are going through thisFlowers

Trollspoopglitter · 12/02/2017 18:32

It doesn't really matter. You asked him twice and twice he lied to cover up.

I don't understand why you are looking for excuses and justifications and don't dare confront him. Or why you need to "catch" him doing anything.

He lied to your face. Twice. You already caught him.

S1lentAllTheseYears · 12/02/2017 18:34

My immediate thought was that he just can't be arsed looking after his child and wants some time to himself.

There have been odd threads on here where posters have admitted to taking odd days off without telling anyone just so they can have a day of doing absolutely nothing without their other halves leaving them a list of jobs to do. I must admit I sympathise when it's just the odd day - a whole week is pretty shit.

I would have to try and pop home and catch him out one day I think.

ChasedByBees · 12/02/2017 18:35

I think he wants a week off to himself (best case scenario). As he has form and your marriage is in trouble for lying though, it's not good.

I'd be tempted to take a day off as well. If he's not at home, phone him at 'work'.

HughLauriesStubble · 12/02/2017 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeekyWombat · 12/02/2017 18:37

I'd wait it out for at least a day or two. It could be something innocent, if it isn't, if you confront him before his annual leave starts he'll just make up something about how he was going to surprise you and you'll never know for sure.

That said, if he lies about the first two days then I'd be having a full and frank discussion and encouraging him to use the remaining two days to pack his bag.

Flowers for you OP. This is just so shit.

AllaboutsheZ · 12/02/2017 18:41

How awful OP. I would personally want to know what he is up to, so would keep quiet and check up on him during the week. Definanlty not ok that he lied to you Flowers