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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about husband's 'secret'? WWYD?

352 replies

Mum2Hallie · 12/02/2017 17:52

So my husband and I have gone through quite a few rocky patches over the years - nearly split up last year, but in the end decided to give it another go (around November time). Since then, things have been going pretty well. The 'being extra nice and helpful' bit wore off after a couple of weeks, but I can cope with that. However...

Half term is coming up (w/c 20th Feb where we live). We both work full time -me in an office, and DH from home with regular travel to clients. I can't take time off this half term, so asked DH if he could - said he was far too busy (which is fine) so i booked DD into a holiday club for the week - this discussion happened about three / four weeks ago.

Yesterday (by chance) I was using his iPad and went into the web browser - his work emails came up and the top message was from his boss about 'annual leave confirmed' - couldn't think why he'd be booking time off, so clicked on it out of curiosity. Saw a chain with the original email from him sent to his boss booking that week off as 'it's half term' then this recent email (Friday just gone) was amending it to four days off instead of five.

I'm flabbergasted. What is he DOING? Gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked for his schedule for that week (something we discuss a lot to organise who picks up / drops off DD). He talked through a really busy week with lots of visits to clients.

I then asked him how much holiday he had left (giving him another chance to own up) and he said 'oh a few days but I'm going to loose it all as I can't spare the time off at the
minute'

Given that a lot of our previous issues were based on his frequent dishonesty and my subsequent trust issues, I'm devastated.

I have no idea how to broach this with him, as I feel like it will be the end if I do.

Can anyone think of why this might be reasonable (from his side?) AIBU???? I can't tell anymore 😢

OP posts:

OneLumpOrSeven · 12/02/2017 18:06

I wouldn't go in guns a blazing yet, I would want to find out exactly what he's up to.

ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2017 18:06

If past issues were in part due to his dishonesty then this would be a deal breaker for me. His bags would be packed. Sorry

ImperialBlether · 12/02/2017 18:07

Bide your time. You will never get the truth out of him if you confront him. Say nothing and see what he says about Monday. Act as though it's a normal day. Ask him what he's got to do that day. When you come home, ask what he did that day.

Then tell him you know.

ScarlettDarling · 12/02/2017 18:07

Well, he's lying isn't he, and I can't imagine it's because he wants to give you a lovely surprise. You know you need to confront him. Sorry you're having to deal with this.

StealthPolarBear · 12/02/2017 18:08

Green he works at home

haveacupoftea · 12/02/2017 18:09

I'd catch him out. On the Monday ask how his day was and see what he says. On the Tuesday take some time to go home and sneak in on him. See what the fucker is up to before giving him a chance to make up a lie.

RhiWrites · 12/02/2017 18:09

He's lying to you, trust is broken.

I'm sorry but it sounds highly likely he's having an affair.

I think this is the end.

UnicornButtplug · 12/02/2017 18:11

I too would wait and see what happens on Monday, if he says he was at work then I would LTB

VeritysWatchTower · 12/02/2017 18:12

He is counting on you being too busy with work to catch him out.

Do you want him to be able to go ahead with his plans and catch him in the lie or confront him before he does something?

Either way it is a shit way to live.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/02/2017 18:13

Presumably you can't act until the Tuesday if he has 4 days off that week. Given how close it is, I'd wait it out and see what he says/does. Presumably if he works from home it's harder to know what he's up to, but will he bullshit you with meetings/trips?

NotStoppedAllDay · 12/02/2017 18:14

Hobby? Sporting event?

Leaspr · 12/02/2017 18:15

I'd have to say that he is either having an affair OR his is weighed down with work and taking 4 days off to be able to catch up on it all without being given more in the process. Maybe he doesn't want to tell you that though because he thinks he'll be pressured to have the children if he tells you he has leave.
I really can't think of anything else that it could be.

LavenderDoll · 12/02/2017 18:16

It doesn't much matter what he's doing. He's lied to you. You mention his dishonesty as causing problems before. He hasn't changed and he's still lying

OSETmum · 12/02/2017 18:16

Make sure you get a screenshot of the email then see what happens tomorrow. If he pretends he's been at work, call him out.

CalmItKermitt · 12/02/2017 18:16

He's a liar. Dump.

TheaSaxby · 12/02/2017 18:16

It's odd. I sort of understand being desperate for time off and secretly booking leave (selfish I know). But it's weird to do it in half term week. I'd sneak off at a less conspicuous time.

I'd try and catch him out but dunno how you do that if he works from home.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 12/02/2017 18:16

I wouldn't be messsing around or waiting to see what happens I would be asking " why do you have the week off?"

It would annoy me that we'd paid for holiday club for dc when there own father could easily of taken care of them

Niskayuna · 12/02/2017 18:17

He's either having an affair and spending it with a woman, OR, he's going to watch you go to work then loaf about in his pants playing XBox all day while your daughter is in holiday club.

Could be the latter, if no other affair-type evidence.

Still pretty dickish. And the lying. He's basically booking a holiday away from all his family commitments and not even telling you.

EweAreHere · 12/02/2017 18:18

I would take Monday off yourself and not tell him. Come back to the house while your DD is at her holiday camp and see where he goes.

Hes lying to you. Trust is gone. The relationship is probably over. I'd just want to know 'why' and what he's thrown it all away form

topcat2014 · 12/02/2017 18:19

I cannot think of any circumstances where I would book time off from work using my valuable holiday entitlement - and then proceed to work on them.

I think he is likely to be having an affair - sorry.

FatOldBag · 12/02/2017 18:19

Shagging someone else is the bloody obvious in this scenario. It could be something else, like just being a selfish lazy bastard who wants to have a few days off instead of helping you out. But I would think affair.

Muminho · 12/02/2017 18:19

Could he be massively behind at work and needs the time 'off' just to catch up without losing face to his boss? I'very done similar on occasion in the past.

00100001 · 12/02/2017 18:19

Nospringflower · 12/02/2017 18:22

Well, I think it sounds very dodgy given the back ground problems as well. But, I did recently have a week off work without telling my partner! He works away, children were all still at school and I had annual leave to take.

I didnt tell him because I just wanted to doss around without the expectation of having jobs to do! As it turned out I was ill and the children were ill so it worked out quite well in that I was home for childcare but it did mean that I didnt get my rest!

So, unlikely but could he be doing that???

outabout · 12/02/2017 18:23

Definitely 'odd'.
I work from home and would jump at the chance to spend several days or all week with DD.

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