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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about husband's 'secret'? WWYD?

352 replies

Mum2Hallie · 12/02/2017 17:52

So my husband and I have gone through quite a few rocky patches over the years - nearly split up last year, but in the end decided to give it another go (around November time). Since then, things have been going pretty well. The 'being extra nice and helpful' bit wore off after a couple of weeks, but I can cope with that. However...

Half term is coming up (w/c 20th Feb where we live). We both work full time -me in an office, and DH from home with regular travel to clients. I can't take time off this half term, so asked DH if he could - said he was far too busy (which is fine) so i booked DD into a holiday club for the week - this discussion happened about three / four weeks ago.

Yesterday (by chance) I was using his iPad and went into the web browser - his work emails came up and the top message was from his boss about 'annual leave confirmed' - couldn't think why he'd be booking time off, so clicked on it out of curiosity. Saw a chain with the original email from him sent to his boss booking that week off as 'it's half term' then this recent email (Friday just gone) was amending it to four days off instead of five.

I'm flabbergasted. What is he DOING? Gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked for his schedule for that week (something we discuss a lot to organise who picks up / drops off DD). He talked through a really busy week with lots of visits to clients.

I then asked him how much holiday he had left (giving him another chance to own up) and he said 'oh a few days but I'm going to loose it all as I can't spare the time off at the
minute'

Given that a lot of our previous issues were based on his frequent dishonesty and my subsequent trust issues, I'm devastated.

I have no idea how to broach this with him, as I feel like it will be the end if I do.

Can anyone think of why this might be reasonable (from his side?) AIBU???? I can't tell anymore 😢

OP posts:
Christinedaae17 · 14/02/2017 19:20

A few pages back the op says her OH knows a lot of teachers as he is a teacher too?

cheekyleek · 14/02/2017 19:23

Hope everything went okay OP Flowers

ferriswheel · 14/02/2017 19:27

This is a bit missing the point but what is his job if he is in education but works from home.

I hope you are OK.

Inertia · 14/02/2017 19:53

It's going to feel like a very long week for you if you try to keep everything as normal until half term begins. Unless you plan in advance what you are going to say and how you plan to respond to his comments and challenge any lies, there is a risk that everything will come out when you are already upset. That would give him an awful lot of wriggle room.

Something like AYeAmarok's suggestion above would be worth thinking about. Whatever you choose to do, the conversation needs to be on your terms, while he needs to be the one doing the talking. Don't fill the silences for him.

I hope it turns out to be innocuous.

For posters above- a teacher wouldn't be able to just arrange time off work.

mysuspicionsgotaroused · 14/02/2017 21:22

Don't know y I did it but just did a search on OP and found her previous thread about the situation with DH.

I am so sorry OP. Can't be easy living in a relationship like that. You must both be so unhappy. He knows u don't even love him. Maybe he is trying to find someone and maybe it's time u be brave and leave ur self free to find love and passion and a relationship with someone else!

Believe in yourself x

April229 · 14/02/2017 22:09

Are you ok OP? 💐

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 14/02/2017 22:16

Best of luck op, difficult conversations ahead and I hope for your sake there is an innocent explanation that you can trust. I do think that the fact you've given him ample time and opportunities to own up and he's not taken them is a death knell on the relationship but that's just me, everyone is different.

GabsAlot · 15/02/2017 09:45

your other thread suggested u dont love him an wanted to leave last year-what changed?

TheCatsMother99 · 15/02/2017 10:26

Hope everything is OK, OP.

Damselindestress · 15/02/2017 12:42

I hope everything is OK. Just wanted to say don't show him this thread as you may want a safe place to vent or ask for advice without him finding out and using anything you say here against you.

Catrina1234 · 15/02/2017 13:40

How on earth do people find previous threads. I get a bit annoyed at these threads because the OP rarely comes back, even though everyone wants to know what happened - I suppose it's nosiness but then the OPs on these threads DO ask for advice. My own view (and I might be entirely wrong) is that the OP decides to stay put and forgive him, but because there are so many LTBs posts. she doesn't want to come back and say she's staying. But it seems something is wrong with the r/ship in this case as others have said that in a previous thread the OP said she wanted to leave the H.

It's SO easy to sit at home on the sofa tapping away with LTB posts and "I'd be doing this that or the next thing" but that's not real life is it - there are so many considerations and sometimes it takes months, even years for an unhappy partner to take the plunge and leave.

dowhatnow · 15/02/2017 14:35

There is a reason why he wants half term off when any week would do if he wants a rest. There is a reason he not bothered about having Tuesday off. It sounds like his lady friend is busy on Tuesday. Sorry op.

Although regardless of whether he is having an affair or not, the fact that he has lied again is enough in itself.

Please respect yourself and end it.

Iggi999 · 15/02/2017 14:47

Hope OP remembers this isnt a safe place to vent as it could be in the papers tomorrow.

CheeseAndBeans · 15/02/2017 15:10

Hope you are ok op

blowmybarnacles · 15/02/2017 18:06

Call him at work. You my get his message service, then call his department and his boss will tell you he is off, simple.

SauvignonBlanche · 15/02/2017 18:13

It's one thing not reading the whole but not reading the whole OP is taking the piss. Hmm

We both work full time -me in an office, and DH from home with regular travel to clients

Jenniferb21 · 15/02/2017 18:18

Sorry OP this sounds horrible.

On a similar thread I saw a suggestion of leaving your iPad(or similar) in his car 'by accident' in the back of a seat or something to track it to see where he's been. Clever idea but then you'd have to come clean to confront him.

I would personally be totally honest. I would wait for a quiet moment one evening very soon and say I wanted to use your iPad and saw a message about annual leave so I looked at it. Why have you kept this a secret and why didn't you want to share the week with us? Putting him completely on the spot means he'll have to either tell you the truth or come up with a very good lie. Which you'll see through most likely. How I see it, life is too short to be with someone who is being dishonest or disrespectful, whatever his motivation and reason for this isn't it this dishonestly alone that would make the relationship questionable?

Let us know how you get on.

Xxx

Catrina1234 · 15/02/2017 22:27

I don't think the OP will be back and this happens so often on these threads.

WinterWonders · 20/02/2017 13:13

Any news, OP?

dowhatnow · 20/02/2017 15:48

It's this week he is supposed to be off isn't it?

BoobleMcB · 20/02/2017 16:51

Yes I think so. Hope OP is okay...

ColourfulOrangex · 20/02/2017 16:53

Flowers OP, hope everything is ok

CheeseAndBeans · 20/02/2017 17:27

Was thinking about this today - first day of half term. Hope all is ok.

Millipedewithherfeetup · 20/02/2017 17:44

Also popped in to see if there was an update?

AmserGwin · 20/02/2017 18:47

Any update OP?

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