AIBU about husband's 'secret'? WWYD?

[Mum2Hallie]

So my husband and I have gone through quite a few rocky patches over the years - nearly split up last year, but in the end decided to give it another go (around November time). Since then, things have been going pretty well. The 'being extra nice and helpful' bit wore off after a couple of weeks, but I can cope with that. However...

Half term is coming up (w/c 20th Feb where we live). We both work full time -me in an office, and DH from home with regular travel to clients. I can't take time off this half term, so asked DH if he could - said he was far too busy (which is fine) so i booked DD into a holiday club for the week - this discussion happened about three / four weeks ago.

Yesterday (by chance) I was using his iPad and went into the web browser - his work emails came up and the top message was from his boss about 'annual leave confirmed' - couldn't think why he'd be booking time off, so clicked on it out of curiosity. Saw a chain with the original email from him sent to his boss booking that week off as 'it's half term' then this recent email (Friday just gone) was amending it to four days off instead of five.

I'm flabbergasted. What is he DOING? Gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked for his schedule for that week (something we discuss a lot to organise who picks up / drops off DD). He talked through a really busy week with lots of visits to clients.

I then asked him how much holiday he had left (giving him another chance to own up) and he said 'oh a few days but I'm going to loose it all as I can't spare the time off at the
minute'

Given that a lot of our previous issues were based on his frequent dishonesty and my subsequent trust issues, I'm devastated.

I have no idea how to broach this with him, as I feel like it will be the end if I do.

Can anyone think of why this might be reasonable (from his side?) AIBU???? I can't tell anymore 😢

Cant you just ask him?

We had all this yesterday! Read the op!

Regarding the 'snooping' we have exactly the same set up, it's technically DHs Ipad as he got it from work but it's used as a family device and his emails and FB would pop up there as well as mine depending on who used it last. Not very unusual I would have thought!

Good luck OP, hope it's a good explanation for it

So best case scenario is him wasting family money to send DD to a club instead of looking after her himself, is that right?

I think you made a mistake taking him back OP and I hope you have the strength to do what you know you need to do.

I'd go with

OP - So what are your plans for this week?
H - Working on X, Y meeting [blah blah blah]
OP - Are you sure about that? (steely face)
H - Yes, why?
OP - What does Boss think you're doing?
H - Huh? He knows my schedule.
OP - Do you want to rethink your answer to me and tell me the truth?

And then sit quietly and let him talk.

All the suggestions around trying to catch the DH out, manufactured conversations so he trips himself up etc, are just as sneaky and unethical as him lying in the first place!

The OP has given a very measured update back there which sounds like a common sense approach that doesn't completely burn her bridges and trash the relationship. I hope it works out well. He's obviously has issues with truth telling, and may need counselling. Hopefully they resolve it.

Half week here.

I'd hire a private detective.

All the suggestions around trying to catch the DH out, manufactured conversations so he trips himself up etc, are just as sneaky and unethical as him lying in the first place!

I think it depends on the DH.

Someone who is generally honest, but has made an out-of-character deception/omission, can probably be trusted to respond fairly well to polite, rational, direct confrontation.

Someone with a history of lying is potentially well-experienced with polite, rational, direct confrontations, and may respond by a) deflecting blame (how dare you snoop! that's the real betrayal), b) gaslighting (I already told you about this; I think you're going mad), c) counter-accusation (you don't trust me, and that's why I have to sneak around) and d) further bullshit (oh, it was going to be a lovely surprise, but now you've ruined it).

I definitely wouldn't claim it's always best to, as you say, manufacture conversations so the possible-liar trips himself up, but with a really manipulative and dishonest person, trying to have a frank conversation is just an opportunity for them to bully or deceive you further.

I guess when it gets to that stage in the relationship where it's just layer upon layer of lies, well, it would be dead in the water..

I just don't think further game playing is an appropriate alternative, it's stooping to their low level.

Good luck OP, this sounds such a horrible level of anxiety to live with for you.

Aw, OP. Best of luck :(

I've been kicked in the gut by DH's emails before. It's pure shit.

Good luck OP. I hope there's an innocent explanation.

How you feeling today op?

Good luck OP, feeling sad for you to have to worry about this.
I'd be gutted if my DH lied about the time off and not pulling his weight with looking after your DD.
He'd be out on his ear though. Sounds like you've put up with enough

Did you speak to him yet?

I hope you get things figured out. This would be gut wrenching to find.

How are you OP?

I'd keep quiet if you can stand to. I'd follow/track him on Monday. Can you pop home at lunch? It doesn't sound good. Surely if he was planning to catch up on work at home he'd tell you that. As a pp said , at best he's lieng to you about his own child's holiday care.

lying!!!

OP Has he been married/long term partner before? Has he got form for cheating? Just that for some men it's a pattern of behaviour.

Hugs OP... lots of hugs...

Hope you're ok op.

How did it go OP