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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about husband's 'secret'? WWYD?

352 replies

Mum2Hallie · 12/02/2017 17:52

So my husband and I have gone through quite a few rocky patches over the years - nearly split up last year, but in the end decided to give it another go (around November time). Since then, things have been going pretty well. The 'being extra nice and helpful' bit wore off after a couple of weeks, but I can cope with that. However...

Half term is coming up (w/c 20th Feb where we live). We both work full time -me in an office, and DH from home with regular travel to clients. I can't take time off this half term, so asked DH if he could - said he was far too busy (which is fine) so i booked DD into a holiday club for the week - this discussion happened about three / four weeks ago.

Yesterday (by chance) I was using his iPad and went into the web browser - his work emails came up and the top message was from his boss about 'annual leave confirmed' - couldn't think why he'd be booking time off, so clicked on it out of curiosity. Saw a chain with the original email from him sent to his boss booking that week off as 'it's half term' then this recent email (Friday just gone) was amending it to four days off instead of five.

I'm flabbergasted. What is he DOING? Gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked for his schedule for that week (something we discuss a lot to organise who picks up / drops off DD). He talked through a really busy week with lots of visits to clients.

I then asked him how much holiday he had left (giving him another chance to own up) and he said 'oh a few days but I'm going to loose it all as I can't spare the time off at the
minute'

Given that a lot of our previous issues were based on his frequent dishonesty and my subsequent trust issues, I'm devastated.

I have no idea how to broach this with him, as I feel like it will be the end if I do.

Can anyone think of why this might be reasonable (from his side?) AIBU???? I can't tell anymore 😢

OP posts:

Therealloislane · 12/02/2017 23:21

Op you don't think he's going to surprise you & tell you he can look after dd after all?

Seems odd he booked those days off when she's off too?

ohtheholidays · 12/02/2017 23:32

When you were on his Ipad OP did you see anything else,anything that would tell you why he was taking the time of?Because if he's not thought to hide that email you may be able to find out what's really going on without having to ask him.

As he's lied in the past I think I'd honestly want to have as much information as I could before I confronted him because I'd want to know if he was now telling the truth or still lying.

What ever it is he's been an idiot for lying to you,I hope you get to the bottom of it all and there'll always be people on here to talk to

BenadrylCucumberpatch · 12/02/2017 23:46

What is he DOING?

I wouldn't be asking 'what', I'd be asking Who.

Koalafications · 12/02/2017 23:56

This is incredibly sad. I really feel for you, OP.

Personally, I wouldn't confront him until the week 'off' is finished. That way I would know that there couldn't be a lie about a surprise or a doctors/hospital whatever appointment.

facebookuser · 13/02/2017 00:02

I think you need to wait it out and catch him doing whatever it is he has lied about or you'll be very lucky to ever get to the bottom of anything. You're lucky to have come across that email, how many more have you missed?

mygorgeousmilo · 13/02/2017 00:03

Why bother waiting to confront him? He has form for lying, he has said categorically that he cannot take time off for half term, OP has travel plans for work.... what can the non bullshitty answer really be? Just confront him and be done with it

Millipedewithherfeetup · 13/02/2017 00:24

Sorry, but i would just ask outright, sooner rather than later, why prolong ?

Migrainemate · 13/02/2017 00:57

Why wouldn't you just ask??

LlamaBananas · 13/02/2017 01:04

Why wouldn't you just ask??

Because hes dishonest. Beacuse hes already lied. Its anyones guess what bullshit he could potentially make up.

Catrina1234 · 13/02/2017 01:06

On P.9 the OP thanked posters for their responses and said she was going to tackle him about it tomorrow. I can't understand why people can't just accept that, but still the posts come on and on and I've noticed this happens a lot with these sorts of threads. I do wonder about the motives of some posters who carry on posting when the OP has said what she intends to do. Maybe she will return, maybe not. I'd be surprised if she did come back.

Zoflorabore · 13/02/2017 01:24

Op- are his previous lies giving you any reason to think it's an affair? were they of similar nature?
It's very easy to be cynical and speculate and most posters think it's dodgy ( myself included ) but ultimately you know your dh better than anyone.
Do what feels right for you, there is no right or wrong way to approach this but whatever you do, be prepared for more possible lies if it does turn out to be an affair as he is unlikely to want to be caught out.
Hoping there's an innocent explanation for it all

HarmlessChap · 13/02/2017 01:25

I hope all goes well for you OP, it doesn't sound great but I would retain an open mind.

I don't have the time off to catch up without the boss giving me more work as I'm self employed however I've had maintenance work to do on our house which have been planned to be done on days off. However DW has a habit of allocated other things she's wanted me to do on those days "but you can nip out for half an hour surely....." which then makes it hard for me to complete the work in the time.

If he is trying to catch up then he may want to keep it to himself so that he's not doing the drop offs and pick ups and then nipping out to pick up shopping or dry cleaning or just fix that squeaky door etc. etc.

SansComic · 13/02/2017 06:57

I hope it goes well and by that, you get honest answers.

There are possibly mis-guided but better answers such as catching up on work. I have taken 2 days off rather than admit I was behind with my workload. I wouldn't have felt the need to discuss this with DH as I would be working.

Once in the past he took a single day holiday to buy me a car as a surprise.

It doesn't look good but as of yet you don't know it's bad.

ShelteredLifeMe · 13/02/2017 07:22

Yeah I would do as pp suggested and tell him that you've spotted his email and see he has the time off, so you'll take dd out of holiday club.

ToDuk · 13/02/2017 07:35

I'm slightly coloured by reading that other thread about the bloke with the Polish daughter but what if he has another child somewhere and has agreed to go share child care there?!

Fairenuff · 13/02/2017 08:51

For a man who has promised not to lie to you any more, he's not doing very well is he.

I would just tell him I know he lied. It doesn't matter what for. It doesn't matter if he wanted down time or was going to surprise you.

You had one rule. No lying. And he has just lied to your face. Either he doesn't get how serious this is or he just doesn't care.

I'm going with the second option. I would not be pussyfooting around him I would be getting very angry with him

Jux · 13/02/2017 09:02

Don't hand him this thread. Hand him his emails printed off (maybe you meant that anyway?).

You already doubt his honesty, your trust in him is not strong. Don't keep on trying against all the odds - you won't get a medal for it.

Goodfood1 · 13/02/2017 09:18

Good luck today. Be strong and be true to you xx

pilates · 13/02/2017 09:41

Op, sorry he has lied and let you down again.

I would be having the chat sooner rather than later, it really can't be good for you to be weighed down with this.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/02/2017 10:42

Hope you're okay OP.

Alpies · 13/02/2017 10:47

Is it interesting at all that half term and Valentine's Day fall in the same week? If he's not spending the time with you and the kids, who is he spending it with?

Sorry OP. Don't mean to hurt your feelings but you are going to have to face some facts.

Teenspov · 13/02/2017 10:59

Alpies, half term is next week not this week

KERALA1 · 13/02/2017 11:02

This week here. At least I hope it is

SteppingOnToes · 13/02/2017 11:04

Teenspov some schools have half term this week

achangewilldomegood · 13/02/2017 11:24

Next week here

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