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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about husband's 'secret'? WWYD?

352 replies

Mum2Hallie · 12/02/2017 17:52

So my husband and I have gone through quite a few rocky patches over the years - nearly split up last year, but in the end decided to give it another go (around November time). Since then, things have been going pretty well. The 'being extra nice and helpful' bit wore off after a couple of weeks, but I can cope with that. However...

Half term is coming up (w/c 20th Feb where we live). We both work full time -me in an office, and DH from home with regular travel to clients. I can't take time off this half term, so asked DH if he could - said he was far too busy (which is fine) so i booked DD into a holiday club for the week - this discussion happened about three / four weeks ago.

Yesterday (by chance) I was using his iPad and went into the web browser - his work emails came up and the top message was from his boss about 'annual leave confirmed' - couldn't think why he'd be booking time off, so clicked on it out of curiosity. Saw a chain with the original email from him sent to his boss booking that week off as 'it's half term' then this recent email (Friday just gone) was amending it to four days off instead of five.

I'm flabbergasted. What is he DOING? Gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked for his schedule for that week (something we discuss a lot to organise who picks up / drops off DD). He talked through a really busy week with lots of visits to clients.

I then asked him how much holiday he had left (giving him another chance to own up) and he said 'oh a few days but I'm going to loose it all as I can't spare the time off at the
minute'

Given that a lot of our previous issues were based on his frequent dishonesty and my subsequent trust issues, I'm devastated.

I have no idea how to broach this with him, as I feel like it will be the end if I do.

Can anyone think of why this might be reasonable (from his side?) AIBU???? I can't tell anymore 😢

OP posts:
KitKat1985 · 12/02/2017 21:39

Not got much to add OP except I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope your talk with your DH tomorrow helps clarify for you what you want to do.

Skooba · 12/02/2017 21:39

Make sure you have time to talk and won't be interrupted and say 'You have been lying to me again'. If he is caught unawares I wouldn't think he'd have time to come up with lies?

callmeadoctor · 12/02/2017 22:02

Would also like to add that maybe the boss sent him the email in error (and it was meant for someone else?) Worth checking x

Maisy84 · 12/02/2017 22:06

Oh what a horrible shock that email must have been, I'm sorry. Do you think he's having an affair? I don't know him but my first thought would be that he wants a few days of doing nothing, all be it at the expense of your money and time and resources. If you don't trust him to tell the truth then I would try and surprise him one of the days to get a clear picture of what's going on.

OneLumpOrSeven · 12/02/2017 22:07

Would also like to add that maybe the boss sent him the email in error

But there have been emails back from the DH.

SittingWithMyFeetUP12 · 12/02/2017 22:09

Talk to him, and be prepared to be accused of spying as you looked at his email, this will be to distract you of course and make you feel guilty.
Be prepared though, you may not like what you find out, or he may lie to you.
A friends "Walter Mitty" husband, told my frined he was off on a course somewhere, and she doubted this, (I cant remember why) she had the booking details etc, so I said, why not just phone and ask to speak to him (corporate training place) well she did, and he wasnt booked on a course with them, but had been the previous year, she never found out where he was for that week...

Fig678 · 12/02/2017 22:14

Jhbggth

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 12/02/2017 22:15

I don't get why people are saying he just wants time off alone. Why would he need to do that during school holidays why couldn't he just do that in term time?

OneLumpOrSeven · 12/02/2017 22:18

Don't print this thread off and show him.

chipscheesentomatosauce · 12/02/2017 22:21

So he's off Monday, working Tuesday, then off Wed, Thu,Friday? That's weird in itself Confused

Crunchymum · 12/02/2017 22:27

How many people actually read that the OP's half term is w/c 20th?

So no resolution / fallout / answers tomorrow or any time next week Hmm

Sassenach85 · 12/02/2017 22:29

Doesn't look good though does it? Flowers

ciele · 12/02/2017 22:37

Voice of doom but probably an affair with someone who works term time.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 12/02/2017 22:47

Personally, someone lies to me they're out. I'm not talking 'necessary deception about surprise parties, pressies etc, but LIES. If someone has it in them to lie to you once, they will do it again, especially if they get away with it, and you forgive them, because they'll just expect to be forgiven again, or be more careful next time.

He has a history of lying. He's lied to you again. Do you really want to live the next x amount of years doubting absolutely everything he tells you? I couldn't live like that.

Funnyface1 · 12/02/2017 22:48

Well I wouldn't ask him because I wouldn't feel like I could believe whatever came out of his mouth. I would take off work and find out exactly what he does and where he goes and take it from there.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/02/2017 22:49

Do NOT print out this thread or show it to him. All that will do is give him an excuse to attack you back for "putting your private life out there in public". DO NOT DO IT. EVER.

SuperRainbows · 12/02/2017 22:52

Could you suggest taking a morning off to spend some time together on one of the days he's booked off? Even if it's not possible for you, merely suggesting it may jolt him into telling you he's taken time off.
Apart from this, I would bide your time.

If he still hasn't told you by next week, maybe you could be a little unwell one day and suggest you might go in a little late.
I would avoid confrontation for as long as possible.

ChuckSnowballs · 12/02/2017 22:54

It is very naive to ask a liar what they are up to before you allow them to play the lie out. As they are just going to lie. Which is the point, you will never know.

You need to let it play out, and then confront with evidence. Otherwise it will just be excuses. And lies, of course.

Tissunnyupnorth · 12/02/2017 22:58

Hope you get sorted OP.

IwasAM · 12/02/2017 23:01

Posts like 'Ooo, this is interesting' boil my piss. This is someone's real kife, not a fucking soap operaHmm

OP I think, regardless of his 'why' behind this, it's already pretty doomed as you have already 'caught him' - you've caught him lying again and you've caught him preferring to bin his DD off in favour of whatever his sneaking plan is for that week. That said, I would urge you to please follow your gut in this and not be pressured into a convo tomm by folks wanting instant drama update people urging you of their timescales.

Experience on MN over and over is that often half the pain when you walk away is that sense of 'never knowing'; it's up to you and you alone to decide if you can live with that and thus confront immediately 'simply' about the deceit per se, or if you want to know the 'why' as well as the deceit - in which case it's pretty obvious the only route to that is to hold out until next week to actually find out that 'why'.

I feel for you. It's shit being lied to and it feels shit to feel like you have been/are being taken for a mug.

On a side note, I'd ask for this to be moved to 30 Days Only so it a little bit more private. I've found MN to be a real source of support but away in the quieter places, not in AIBU (which is also where the Fail et al lift stories fromAngry )

noschooll4mee · 12/02/2017 23:01

Step back watch and listen . You'll get your answer and you don't have to do anything Wait

TheMaddHugger · 12/02/2017 23:02

Big Soft (((((((Hug)))))))))) OP

MadeForThis · 12/02/2017 23:12

I would wait until next Monday. Let him lie some more then tell him you know.

JorahsMissus · 12/02/2017 23:15

Good luck tomorrow OP, it's not a nice situation to be in but hopefully there's a really good ending to this one.

LlamaBananas · 12/02/2017 23:18

I would be so pissed off with the dishonesty. I would not be confronting at all. Instead i would sit back and see what actually happens next week.

Why woukd you ask dome slready lieing to you for an explanation before the time/event/whatever? If he has been dishonest about taking leave im sure he can be dishonest with an adequate cover story.
It could be true what he tells you but the fact is you wont actually ever know.

Sit back watch and wait is a safe option imo. You get to see what ungolds inncent or otherwise. Even if its innocent you can still have a chat afterwards with more real life facts in front of you about his dishonestly booking leave. If it dimething else not good again you have control. You can decide what action to take wheneven take stockfor a few dsys or shout him down.

When i say innocent i probably mean hes not using the leave for anything dodgy. Theres nothing innocent about him lieing about his leave.

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