I hate my MILs house

[mymilisbatshit]

Apologies if this is long but need to off load it's been on my mind for the last 9 months.

I literally cannot stand going to my MILs house! I met OH 2 and a half years ago we get on great and I love him so much. Me and my MIL got on great had a wonderful relationship and could chat about almost anything. I was living with my dad and my OH spent most nights there with me. My MIL has a boyfriend she does not live with he's a nice man they spend most nights of the week at each other's houses.

I found out I was pregnant and I delivered a beautiful dd summer last year. Just before I gave birth we moved all of my stuff into my MILs place and I was living out of an over night bag at my dads waiting for the big arrival (I wanted to be at my dads before I gave birth I had a tough pregnancy and OH was working and MIL was away) I ended up being induced.. I literally went to bed at my dads house for the last time with no baby and then brought my dd back to my MILs house.

It was almost like there was this little black cloud waiting for me on the door step when I got back there (my labour and birth were pretty traumatic) MIL sat over me from the min we got through the door I wanted to take my new daughter upstairs to bf but she wouldn't let me and insisted I did it in front of her I was still getting to grips with it as soon as i finished feeding her my mil scooped her up and settled on the sofa with her.. I won't lie it hurt a lot. My best friend came over (she was invited) and MIL didn't give us a moment of privacy she also wouldn't let my best friend hold my daughter I had to sternly tell her to give my baby back so I could hand her over. The evening continues she burst into our room in the middle of the night when I was feeding my daughter and in the morning she walked in and scooped my baby out of her Moses basket and took her into her room and shut the door. I felt devastated. I had stitches from front to back but I didn't care I put my baby in her pram
And walked the mile and half to my dads house my OH came with me. About an hour later she sent me a text asking where I was with HER granddaughter. I bluntly replied that I was visiting my dad she told me to get home.

I went back and turned out she had invited my BIL and SIL to stay for a few days (they don't live locally and i have only met them a hand full of times) as soon as I walked in i was ordered to hand over my dd I was only to hold my baby if I was feeding her. My SIL even took my baby in the morning and put her in bed with herself and BIL.. I didn't like it one bit but I felt abit outnumbered and intimidated. They stayed for 3 days and i wasn't allowed to take my dd to see any of my family and MIL practically banned my dad from her house when he did visit for 10 mins she lurked the whole time and mumbled how she didn't want him there and he was intruding.

We were living at MILs and she works more and she has the BF so she said she often wouldn't be home we were saving for a mortgage.. we paid MIL rent and paid towards bills we did our own cooking and I did all the housework for her and often prepared meals for her we weren't getting a free ride nor did we expect one.

About a week and a half since my daughter was born MIL came home from work and announced she hated her job and she would be taking 6 months off as sick because she wanted to spend some time with her baby I remember feeling sick and on the edge of a full blown panic attack. About half the week she stayed at her boyfriends (she didn't want to) so the days she wasn't there is wasn't so bad (not that she should of had to leave her own house of course) even when she wasn't there I cried every day until finally one night when my baby was sleeping and OH got home from work I crumpled on the lounge floor and just sobbed and sobbed OH didn't know what to do we talked about it he called my dad and my dad offered us to move back with him short term.. it wasn't in our plan but I couldn't say no I just HAD to get out.

Things improved and me and OH got our own place and we have since set up some boundaries. MIL pushed us into taking the first thing we saw because she hated us living with my dad and said it wasn't fair he was getting more time with the baby (this wasn't true my dad did give us our own space I know people will think I am biased but that's the honest truth.

Things are going great my baby is almost 10 months old she's healthy and she's happy.. I stopped BF at MILS after BIL and SIL left i tried for a few more days but I had missed so much of my dd first days the bond wasn't there I didn't feel right it broke my heart and I cried when I gave her that first bottle of formula (not that there's anything wrong with bottle feeding)

Thing is, I HATE going to visit my MILs house and always have since moving out of there it's almost like that little black cloud is still there waiting at the door. If my OH suggests popping in there on our way home I feel really put out and the anxiety sets in my heart feels jittery. Once I am there I know I am very stand offish and I cling to my baby now she's older she does tend to prefer me as well so these days I don't feel so much like I am the one being possessive even though I kind of am. I will only ever stay a maximum of an hour even if I don't have dd with me I still hate going there. I do however not mind my MIL coming to my house or meeting her out and about. We still have some problems but I do not avoid her.

Problems we are still having are abit silly but it really hurts me, she refuses to acknowledge me as my dd mother she always refers to her as MY granddaughter or OHs baby. She has a spare bedroom which she has recently told me is my DDs bedroom incase she wants to live with nanny when she's a little older (why would she want to live with her yeh she may want to stay there i accept that) she gets angry with me if anyone else babysits my dd even if she is not free to do so herself (i don't have many people babysit only people I am close to) she badmouths my dad all the time it's hurtful my dad is a goodman who has been through a lot he's the kind of bloke who will do anything or anyone including her.. and she has let him i almost feel like she has a laugh at his expense sometimes. There are a couple of other things but it's starts getting abit pretty like when she bought all the stuff she knew I wanted to buy dd for Christmas.. she actually asked me what I was getting her (not much you can buy a 6 month old) and she went out and brought it all (maybe she was trying to help)

Despite all this I do try and keep the relationship good I don't want dd to miss out of her gm my own mother passed away a couple of years ago so I understand how important these relationships are however I do wish she would respect that mine and dd relationship is also important. I do always text or call her atleast every other day and I make a point of arranging to meet or inviting her round atleast once a week.

Why do I still feel like this about her house in particular? My dad thinks it's because that's where I was when I was at my lowest point.

I'm shocked at how she treated you in the days after you had DD, I went cold reading that. She sounds like XMIL, dangerously narcissistic.
Your instincts are screaming at you when you go to her house because she is seriously toxic! She will use anything she can to portray you as unhinged. She will do everything in her power to have your DD living in her house.
XMIL did this to her oldest granddaughter. She made damn sure she got her. She was lining up my baby for the same. Incessant demands about how my baby was going to be shared around. Demands to be there when he was born. I wasn't allowed to have boundaries, she was allowed to walk into my house whenever she pleased, and I wasn't allowed to change that. XP would actually lose his temper if I tried to assert my boundaries, so I left him. It royally kicked off when I wouldn't allow XPILs to visit us in hospital within hours. It kicked off every time they weren't allowed to visit in accordance with their colossal demands. My baby's little cousin told me that XMIL was angry because I don't share my baby enough, so in time my, baby would grow up hearing this shit.
Anyway I've cut the whole bastarding lot of them off. We're miles away and they don't know where we are. And it feels bloody brilliant!
Sorry for the rant, it will always feel raw. Because they will always fight for their right to destroy my lovely baby's world.
I know you're very much in love with your DP, and he is with you, but test his loyalty before you marry him. Stand up for yourself, your DD and your father, and only marry him if he supports you. I'd cut your bil and sil off too. Taking your newborn into their bed is fucking awful.
I'd get looking at jobs and homes that are really far from mil.

You don't need help Love she does as she's unhinged.

Go non contact and move on. Keep your dd away too at least until she's much older. Tell your dh this is how it's going to be and he needs to understand the damage his mother inflicted on you.

I speak as a mil. She's a toxic bitch.

FeelTheNoise wise post op take heed.

And if she'd taken my baby it wouldn't have been a feeding bottle thrown st her to be honest.

So this woman took the baby from you as soon as she was born, refused to give her back. passed her to SIL who also refused to give her back, MIl pretended to breastfeed her, makes horrible comments about your dad, your wedding dress.... And you are ashamed that you snapped?

It would have happened a lot sooner if it were me - you are far too meek. You need to find a bot more of that 'fuck off' anger, and show it! A bit of screaming, a bit more demanding, - and don't be fobbed off by your OH telling you 'it's how she is', ' she doesn't mean it', 'she it trying to be helpful/thoughtful' etc. AND certainly don't let him suggest that it's YOU!

She is manipulative and would have no problem easing you out of the picture so she can be 'mummy'. there is a poster on here whose family have done a good job of persuading her own children that SHE is wrong and they are much better off living with the in-laws. Don't let that happen!

Your mil is a cunt.
If someone had taken my newborn away from me without permission I'd have screamed the house down until I had him back.
You're being too reasonable. Every time your mil oversteps the mark tell her straight away and get your dp to back you up on it.

You poor love, really, your post made me well up.
Firstly, as has already being said, stop the phone calls, unless there is a reason to call, this isn't the norm.
Next, hard though this is to say, and more so, for you to contemplate, you really, truly, need to begin to distance yourself from this vile, poisonous woman. Imagine the damage she will instill in your daughter, should she get the opportunity. I believe she would like to have your daughter living with her, and will attempt to slowly brainwash her.
Is your MIL from a different culture, this could enlighten us somehow.
Be strong Lovely, we are all here for you, anytime you need us. 🌺

Similar happened to me and I still feel a range of emotions when I think about it and this thread has confirmed what I already know and

NC is an option definitely. You don't have PTSD though, the diagnostic criteria for PTSD is quite rightly specific and is incorrectly suggested a lot on MN.

OP I'm so sorry for the traumatic time you have endured with MIL. Agree witht what other posters above have said. You need to stand up for yourself to OH and her. This is your time not hers. She's had her moment and she needs to let u enjoy this special time without all this drama and abusive behaviour.

Additionally, I think u need to sit down with OH and talk about when DD grows up. What kind of influence would she have? Can u imagine her bad manners or narcisticness rubbing on DD? It's time to look at the big picture and realise that it's not as simple as OH not wanting to hurt her feelings or whatever. It's your future as a family, your DD's future, your mental health and happiness.

OP: I would have snapped sooner! Similar things happened to me at the birth. I lost a lot of blood and was bedbound for the first 48 hours. MIL stormed into the room even though I said no visitors as I hadn't had chance to see my baby at all (was rushed to theatre after delivery). She kept her away from my bed, hovering around whenever I held her.

I keep her at arms distance now and OH does the visits

I remember your previous posts. Glad you listened and got your own place. I wouldn't limit your time with this woman could your dp just go on his own and you stay at home.

I would tell her how you feel. She may not think she has behaved badly. May have lost it.Also there is the possibility she has dementia. But speak to her in a neutral place.

Jeanne dementia seriously!!!! Stop excusing toxic nasty behaviour. I could believe that, if she was previously a nice person, than her mood suddenly changed, but she has always been like this. Her behaviour is manipulating and spiteful.

The fact that nobody is shocked by her awful behaviour, that bil and sil go along with her horrible agendas and OP's DP has to come to terms with how toxic she is shows how intrinsic her behaviour is.
If she doesn't already know or care that her behaviour was really nasty, there's no point raising it with her. Don't discuss feelings with someone like that, you'd give them insight into maximise the damage they do. The only communication needed is to express your boundaries.
No is a complete sentence, as is 'fuck off'

i'd be nc with this woman after all the appalling things that happened, let her cry her eyes out, it'll do her good ! v. on your behalf !

you were worried what mners would say about you stopping bf ?? that is nobody elses business how you feed your child and anyone who judges anyone on that choice can fuck right off and mind their own imo

Jeanne so throwing a bottle in her face and screaming fuck off at her is not telling her how she feels

Stop putting yourself through a life sentence OP, you are sorry for the bottle incident, you simply cracked under immense pressure. You apologised.
Put this behind you, it isn't worth the headspace.
Time to get back hold of the reins, and direct your life, in the way you wish it to go. I actually would sit down and tell MIL, exactly how you feel, how it is, and more importantly, how it's going to be.
No more ' I threw a bottle ', some of us would have done a lot worse.😊
I have faith in you, find that fire again, but this time, put it into words. 💐🍷

Get the books by susan forward. Toxic in laws for you and toxic parents for dh. They are highly recommended on the relationships board.

My aunt does this with DD2 (DC3). She's 9 now and they're too close for me to ban her from going there, but I'm trying to gently let DD know that she's trying to take over. She suggested DD2 lived with her before DS2 was born.

OMG no wonder you are traumatised. My MIL was unbearable with my first baby too. Thank God I didn't live with her. But she did the taking him out of my arms and handing him around her relatives thing. She also practically wrestled the pram out of my hands so she could push it. I hated it. When I had my last baby I tried to ban her from our house for the first day but DH ignored my wishes and let her in. I did not hand my baby over on that occasion and it felt great. Like I was taking back some control.
I feel for you. You were incredibly vulnerable and she trampled all over you. Of course it is because she adores your DD, but she didn't stop to think about you, which is appalling.
I'd like to tell you to be strong and refuse to go to the house. To tell her she caused you huge amount of emotional trauma because of her behaviour. But I'm rubbish at standing up to people so who am I to talk.
If you can do it, you'll feel great.

This is one of the worst mil stories I've ever heard.

I would not go ahead with the wedding until this is resolved. Why isn't your partner furious at what she's done? Does he think it's normal that she plans to have your daughter living with her? I'd have nothing to do with her, and she wouldn't be seeing my baby under any circumstances.

Sounds like a psycho. It's not my mother is it?? She was the same with me. Cut off contact and my kids were not affected by her. Thank god. Sometimes you gotta cut ties. Really restrict contact so her poison doesn't ruin your life. She sounds like she is trying to hurt you maybe she is jealous of you for being young, gorgeous and intelligent. X

Aeroflotgirl. I agree. But my mother was like that she could change on a sixpence. It could be a mental instability and there is no excuse. Mad or just plain bad?

How is your relationship with your DH? And how is his relationship with her?
If you two are strong I think you write all of this down for him to read and tell him that all contact from now on is going to be at your home, your rules.