I hate my MILs house

[mymilisbatshit]

Apologies if this is long but need to off load it's been on my mind for the last 9 months.

I literally cannot stand going to my MILs house! I met OH 2 and a half years ago we get on great and I love him so much. Me and my MIL got on great had a wonderful relationship and could chat about almost anything. I was living with my dad and my OH spent most nights there with me. My MIL has a boyfriend she does not live with he's a nice man they spend most nights of the week at each other's houses.

I found out I was pregnant and I delivered a beautiful dd summer last year. Just before I gave birth we moved all of my stuff into my MILs place and I was living out of an over night bag at my dads waiting for the big arrival (I wanted to be at my dads before I gave birth I had a tough pregnancy and OH was working and MIL was away) I ended up being induced.. I literally went to bed at my dads house for the last time with no baby and then brought my dd back to my MILs house.

It was almost like there was this little black cloud waiting for me on the door step when I got back there (my labour and birth were pretty traumatic) MIL sat over me from the min we got through the door I wanted to take my new daughter upstairs to bf but she wouldn't let me and insisted I did it in front of her I was still getting to grips with it as soon as i finished feeding her my mil scooped her up and settled on the sofa with her.. I won't lie it hurt a lot. My best friend came over (she was invited) and MIL didn't give us a moment of privacy she also wouldn't let my best friend hold my daughter I had to sternly tell her to give my baby back so I could hand her over. The evening continues she burst into our room in the middle of the night when I was feeding my daughter and in the morning she walked in and scooped my baby out of her Moses basket and took her into her room and shut the door. I felt devastated. I had stitches from front to back but I didn't care I put my baby in her pram
And walked the mile and half to my dads house my OH came with me. About an hour later she sent me a text asking where I was with HER granddaughter. I bluntly replied that I was visiting my dad she told me to get home.

I went back and turned out she had invited my BIL and SIL to stay for a few days (they don't live locally and i have only met them a hand full of times) as soon as I walked in i was ordered to hand over my dd I was only to hold my baby if I was feeding her. My SIL even took my baby in the morning and put her in bed with herself and BIL.. I didn't like it one bit but I felt abit outnumbered and intimidated. They stayed for 3 days and i wasn't allowed to take my dd to see any of my family and MIL practically banned my dad from her house when he did visit for 10 mins she lurked the whole time and mumbled how she didn't want him there and he was intruding.

We were living at MILs and she works more and she has the BF so she said she often wouldn't be home we were saving for a mortgage.. we paid MIL rent and paid towards bills we did our own cooking and I did all the housework for her and often prepared meals for her we weren't getting a free ride nor did we expect one.

About a week and a half since my daughter was born MIL came home from work and announced she hated her job and she would be taking 6 months off as sick because she wanted to spend some time with her baby I remember feeling sick and on the edge of a full blown panic attack. About half the week she stayed at her boyfriends (she didn't want to) so the days she wasn't there is wasn't so bad (not that she should of had to leave her own house of course) even when she wasn't there I cried every day until finally one night when my baby was sleeping and OH got home from work I crumpled on the lounge floor and just sobbed and sobbed OH didn't know what to do we talked about it he called my dad and my dad offered us to move back with him short term.. it wasn't in our plan but I couldn't say no I just HAD to get out.

Things improved and me and OH got our own place and we have since set up some boundaries. MIL pushed us into taking the first thing we saw because she hated us living with my dad and said it wasn't fair he was getting more time with the baby (this wasn't true my dad did give us our own space I know people will think I am biased but that's the honest truth.

Things are going great my baby is almost 10 months old she's healthy and she's happy.. I stopped BF at MILS after BIL and SIL left i tried for a few more days but I had missed so much of my dd first days the bond wasn't there I didn't feel right it broke my heart and I cried when I gave her that first bottle of formula (not that there's anything wrong with bottle feeding)

Thing is, I HATE going to visit my MILs house and always have since moving out of there it's almost like that little black cloud is still there waiting at the door. If my OH suggests popping in there on our way home I feel really put out and the anxiety sets in my heart feels jittery. Once I am there I know I am very stand offish and I cling to my baby now she's older she does tend to prefer me as well so these days I don't feel so much like I am the one being possessive even though I kind of am. I will only ever stay a maximum of an hour even if I don't have dd with me I still hate going there. I do however not mind my MIL coming to my house or meeting her out and about. We still have some problems but I do not avoid her.

Problems we are still having are abit silly but it really hurts me, she refuses to acknowledge me as my dd mother she always refers to her as MY granddaughter or OHs baby. She has a spare bedroom which she has recently told me is my DDs bedroom incase she wants to live with nanny when she's a little older (why would she want to live with her yeh she may want to stay there i accept that) she gets angry with me if anyone else babysits my dd even if she is not free to do so herself (i don't have many people babysit only people I am close to) she badmouths my dad all the time it's hurtful my dad is a goodman who has been through a lot he's the kind of bloke who will do anything or anyone including her.. and she has let him i almost feel like she has a laugh at his expense sometimes. There are a couple of other things but it's starts getting abit pretty like when she bought all the stuff she knew I wanted to buy dd for Christmas.. she actually asked me what I was getting her (not much you can buy a 6 month old) and she went out and brought it all (maybe she was trying to help)

Despite all this I do try and keep the relationship good I don't want dd to miss out of her gm my own mother passed away a couple of years ago so I understand how important these relationships are however I do wish she would respect that mine and dd relationship is also important. I do always text or call her atleast every other day and I make a point of arranging to meet or inviting her round atleast once a week.

Why do I still feel like this about her house in particular? My dad thinks it's because that's where I was when I was at my lowest point.

I agree with others, start saying no to her, and putting your rules and boundaries in place, and creating a distance between you. Your dd is yours, not hers. If yiu don't want her to see MIL, you don't have to agree, equally if you don't want to go to MIL, don't!

Don't reveal information to her, what your getting for Christmas, nothing!

Phase her out of your life.

Why are you doing all this for yiur MIL, when by the sounds of it, she does not like or respect you! She has an unhealthy obsession with your dd, you have to stop right there, enough is enough. Concentrate on fostering the bond between your dd and her wonderful granddad. Wtaf, your her mother, why should she want to live with yiur MIL, start creating distance op. Stand up for yourself!

Maybe you should see your bil and sil without mil. They were probably harangued into visiting early on. Invite them over to yours and go for a walk or just see sil on her own. See them without mil

I would ask for counselling.
It would allow you to voice and react to all the horrible emotions you felt at DMIL's which you were unable to react honesly to at the time (due to her thoughtless and bullying ways).
That would get it out of your system and then you might be able to put it behind you.

She is an unhinged bitch. You do not need to meet her needs in any way. You cut contact and then when she starts behaving you take control and make it clear that she slips back to her old ways she will lose contact again. I'm sure it will be suggested that you are using your child as a pawn but just ignore. You will be painted as the difficult Dil but it's worth it to save your sanity. I'm speaking from experience.

She is absolutely vile and toxic to yoy, let her bawl her eyes out, she deserves everything she gets. You reap what you sow, mabey it will help her realise what a nasty individual she is.

I'm afraid I have no words of help. But I have been you. And 3 years later I'm still traumatised. Which sounds OTT but it's true. It cost me my marriage, and for a short while, my mental health. You can never get that time back with your dd, and it does make you feel like you've lost that 'bond'.
I'm sorry I can't give you any advice, but I really really feel for you. Pm me if you'd like a chat

I never say this on here (which should give you some idea about how awful your situation sounds) but I really think you should consider going no contact. You do not need that in your life. Do you think you would have DP's support in this? How supportive was he when you were living with MIL?

If you don't feel ready for NC then perhaps supervised contact maybe once a month in a neutral location? And stop all this every other day phone business. I speak to my mum daily and my ILs a couple of times a week but that's because they're not intrusive arseholes like your MIL. When people do not understand appropriate behaviour and boundaries, you have to be the one to control any contact.

Her crying her eyes out is pure manipulation btw.

Christ on a bike! The woman is insane!!! You really need to see less of her. Have you ever had words with your husband. If you don't sort it out now you never will. I cannot understand why HE let her do this!!

I hope you and he and your child have a very quiet non MIL Christmas this year. Please try. I would certainly see less of her if you can. Make the meetings short if not sweet.

That's really horrifying. I feel sick on your behalf. Don't underestimate what a traumatic experience you have had. I hated baby hogging with DS1 I'm still upset when I think of it, by DS3 I wore him in a sling to avoid baby grabbing. My experience was NOTHING compared to yours. I'm sorry.

I felt panicky reading that, what she/they did is awful, and it was deliberate. You need to at very least stop making an effort to include her so you can reduce/stop contact. Her feelings don't matter more than yours do, she needs to be kept away. And you must get yourself some help, at least to be in a stronger place to stick with your decisions, whatever you decide to do

I'd also add that it may be worth getting some distance for your baby's sake too - of SIL is her daughter I can't get it wonder what will happen when she has children- will yours get dropped because her daughter will probably spend more time there? Would be awful if your child has been used to being number 1 and then is replaced

Not that this excuses anything but your MIL's behaviour sounds unusual and almost desperate, especially given she seemed totally different pre-baby. Did she loose a baby or experience secondary infertility? Just thinking it might be easier to get over your awful experience if you were able to explain to yourself that what she's doing has little to do with either you or your dd and was all caused by sind long-ago grief

Or she might just be a domineering so-and-so.

@mymilisbatshit from your posts it sounds like you just don't exist to your MIL and she is doing everything she can to undermine you and drive a wedge between you and OH so that you never factor into the baby's life and she can be in control.

My MIL can be intense, but part of that is because she honestly sees me as part of her family, as suffocating as she can be at times it always come from a loving place and it's more of an eye roll when she's on her "I love my granddaughters so much" missions.

You have none of that we'll meaning suffocation. What you have is out and out bullying and exclusion. I'd honestly have a calm discussion with your OH, and then show him this thread. As much as he loves his mother he has to make sure that the environment he raises his daughter in is emotionally healthy. Seeing her grandmother manipulating, bullying, harassing her mother and having her grandfather bad mouthed definitely doesn't fit the bill.

Hopefully he will support you and help find a way of maintaining a relationship with his mum that is decent and valuable for you all.

You poor thing. I have no experience of this but I can absolutely imagine how it made you feel. And I am not in the least bit surprised that those early things that happened play on your mind (as well as the things she continues to do).

Take the great advice on here and don't for one minute let anyone try to persuade you that you have done anything wrong

I agree with Maylani that this is very extreme and unusual behaviour from her.

You have a major MIL problem but your problem is also with your OH - it's his mother - what is he doing to sort this out? I would go NC with her - she isn't bringing anything positive to your or your DD's life.

For You OP. Your MIL sounds very vindictive and conniving. Your feelings are perfectly valid and I think you have been very restrained in your response. You would be justified to cut her out completely with behaviour like that. What a horrible way to treat a new mum who is at a very vulnerable time. What you needed was support, both physically and mentally, to allow you time to recover from the birth and bond with your daughter.

Your OH needs to support you and protect you for her actions. Show him this thread to make him realise the impact it's had on you or write it down. Then agree a plan of action on what will done if your MIL behaves badly again...e.g DH tells her behaviour is unacceptable and you leave her house immediately.

Your dad sounds lovely! Get as much support as you can from him.

I agree with others that you sound traumatised (no wonder) and counselling might help. I'd definitely back off from her. You are a grown up, apart from essentials like earning money and doing chores, you don't have to do things that make you feel unhappy. You do have the power to say no to her. The consequence of her crying is irrelevant. Let her cry. It's manipulation.

OP i'm so sorry have been treated appallingly at a time when you were at your most vulnerable. You have every right to distance yourself and your daughter from these family members. I found myself in a similar situation following the birth of my child. I was bullied by my MIL and SIL and in the end I developed anxiety and refused to take the baby to their house. They could come to ours to visit if they wanted but once the control was taken away they lost interest and barely see us now. My DH was angry at me at the time as I think he just wanted to keep the peace. That was 6 years ago and he now completely understands and says we did the right thing. It just took him a while to realise!

She sounds truly awful! I wouldn't go back if I were you! Sounds like the stuff terrifying psychological thrillers are made out of!

Even if she had a baby loss or m/c, that can explain the possessiveness around the baby, but not the vile toxic behaviour towards the op. Take back control, set boundaries, be assertive. I expect once SIL has a baby, MIL will be less interested in your dd.