I hate my MILs house

[mymilisbatshit]

Apologies if this is long but need to off load it's been on my mind for the last 9 months.

I literally cannot stand going to my MILs house! I met OH 2 and a half years ago we get on great and I love him so much. Me and my MIL got on great had a wonderful relationship and could chat about almost anything. I was living with my dad and my OH spent most nights there with me. My MIL has a boyfriend she does not live with he's a nice man they spend most nights of the week at each other's houses.

I found out I was pregnant and I delivered a beautiful dd summer last year. Just before I gave birth we moved all of my stuff into my MILs place and I was living out of an over night bag at my dads waiting for the big arrival (I wanted to be at my dads before I gave birth I had a tough pregnancy and OH was working and MIL was away) I ended up being induced.. I literally went to bed at my dads house for the last time with no baby and then brought my dd back to my MILs house.

It was almost like there was this little black cloud waiting for me on the door step when I got back there (my labour and birth were pretty traumatic) MIL sat over me from the min we got through the door I wanted to take my new daughter upstairs to bf but she wouldn't let me and insisted I did it in front of her I was still getting to grips with it as soon as i finished feeding her my mil scooped her up and settled on the sofa with her.. I won't lie it hurt a lot. My best friend came over (she was invited) and MIL didn't give us a moment of privacy she also wouldn't let my best friend hold my daughter I had to sternly tell her to give my baby back so I could hand her over. The evening continues she burst into our room in the middle of the night when I was feeding my daughter and in the morning she walked in and scooped my baby out of her Moses basket and took her into her room and shut the door. I felt devastated. I had stitches from front to back but I didn't care I put my baby in her pram
And walked the mile and half to my dads house my OH came with me. About an hour later she sent me a text asking where I was with HER granddaughter. I bluntly replied that I was visiting my dad she told me to get home.

I went back and turned out she had invited my BIL and SIL to stay for a few days (they don't live locally and i have only met them a hand full of times) as soon as I walked in i was ordered to hand over my dd I was only to hold my baby if I was feeding her. My SIL even took my baby in the morning and put her in bed with herself and BIL.. I didn't like it one bit but I felt abit outnumbered and intimidated. They stayed for 3 days and i wasn't allowed to take my dd to see any of my family and MIL practically banned my dad from her house when he did visit for 10 mins she lurked the whole time and mumbled how she didn't want him there and he was intruding.

We were living at MILs and she works more and she has the BF so she said she often wouldn't be home we were saving for a mortgage.. we paid MIL rent and paid towards bills we did our own cooking and I did all the housework for her and often prepared meals for her we weren't getting a free ride nor did we expect one.

About a week and a half since my daughter was born MIL came home from work and announced she hated her job and she would be taking 6 months off as sick because she wanted to spend some time with her baby I remember feeling sick and on the edge of a full blown panic attack. About half the week she stayed at her boyfriends (she didn't want to) so the days she wasn't there is wasn't so bad (not that she should of had to leave her own house of course) even when she wasn't there I cried every day until finally one night when my baby was sleeping and OH got home from work I crumpled on the lounge floor and just sobbed and sobbed OH didn't know what to do we talked about it he called my dad and my dad offered us to move back with him short term.. it wasn't in our plan but I couldn't say no I just HAD to get out.

Things improved and me and OH got our own place and we have since set up some boundaries. MIL pushed us into taking the first thing we saw because she hated us living with my dad and said it wasn't fair he was getting more time with the baby (this wasn't true my dad did give us our own space I know people will think I am biased but that's the honest truth.

Things are going great my baby is almost 10 months old she's healthy and she's happy.. I stopped BF at MILS after BIL and SIL left i tried for a few more days but I had missed so much of my dd first days the bond wasn't there I didn't feel right it broke my heart and I cried when I gave her that first bottle of formula (not that there's anything wrong with bottle feeding)

Thing is, I HATE going to visit my MILs house and always have since moving out of there it's almost like that little black cloud is still there waiting at the door. If my OH suggests popping in there on our way home I feel really put out and the anxiety sets in my heart feels jittery. Once I am there I know I am very stand offish and I cling to my baby now she's older she does tend to prefer me as well so these days I don't feel so much like I am the one being possessive even though I kind of am. I will only ever stay a maximum of an hour even if I don't have dd with me I still hate going there. I do however not mind my MIL coming to my house or meeting her out and about. We still have some problems but I do not avoid her.

Problems we are still having are abit silly but it really hurts me, she refuses to acknowledge me as my dd mother she always refers to her as MY granddaughter or OHs baby. She has a spare bedroom which she has recently told me is my DDs bedroom incase she wants to live with nanny when she's a little older (why would she want to live with her yeh she may want to stay there i accept that) she gets angry with me if anyone else babysits my dd even if she is not free to do so herself (i don't have many people babysit only people I am close to) she badmouths my dad all the time it's hurtful my dad is a goodman who has been through a lot he's the kind of bloke who will do anything or anyone including her.. and she has let him i almost feel like she has a laugh at his expense sometimes. There are a couple of other things but it's starts getting abit pretty like when she bought all the stuff she knew I wanted to buy dd for Christmas.. she actually asked me what I was getting her (not much you can buy a 6 month old) and she went out and brought it all (maybe she was trying to help)

Despite all this I do try and keep the relationship good I don't want dd to miss out of her gm my own mother passed away a couple of years ago so I understand how important these relationships are however I do wish she would respect that mine and dd relationship is also important. I do always text or call her atleast every other day and I make a point of arranging to meet or inviting her round atleast once a week.

Why do I still feel like this about her house in particular? My dad thinks it's because that's where I was when I was at my lowest point.

God, she sounds a total nightmare. Taking your DD out of her crib into her bedroom, storming out of the bridal shop because you bought the dress you wanted and saying she's decorating her spare room in case DD wants to LIVE WITH HER??? That one alone made me feel sick. I think it's brilliant your OH has agreed to put some distance between you as this woman is not good for your mental health. I dread to think the mind games she might play with your DD as she gets older to drive a wedge between you.

You don't have to do anything she says, you are the baby's mother not her.
You can ask anyone you like and feel comfortable with to babysit, you don't need her permission
As for the room she's done out, it is up to YOU and DH whether she ever stays there.
Personally I'd have no worries about upsetting her, if she cries, she cries, so what will happen if she does, the sky won't fall in.
She doesn't care a jot about upsetting you at all.
Protect your child from these bullies.
You are well within your rights to tell her, not ask, her leave if she turns up at your door demanding to take the baby.

Op your MIL is a cunt

Keep her at arms length

This is exactly how my MIL was with me she was a bitch before my first baby and got worse when her first grandchild arrived she literally thought it was her baby and out casted me. I was told I was a bad mother! She put down everything I did for my baby and twisted everything in the family so I was the bad one. Always my fault!! Years later she never changed she had poison running through her veins, she wore me down distressed me and made me cry in her presence. Poked fun at my big belly just after given birth, snatched her from my arms just like your MIL .etc etc I could write an essay about what she did to me. In the end I only had one way out and for me that was to leave the country and so that was what I had to do. Very drastic but I needed to get as far away as possible even though that meant leaving my own family I just couldn't take anymore. I hope your situation changes for you I really do because your story sounds very similar to mine sadly. On a happier note I love your username :)

What she did (and also allowed sil) to do was abusive and wrong. You owe the vile abuser nothing. She has no legal rights over your baby. Let her cry because I'm damn sure you did.

Have only read the OP. If she has done even half of the things you've said, you should stay away from her and feel no guilt about it. Her behaviour has been unforgivable. It's odd both of you are so forgiving! Go as low low contact as you can and make it all on your terms - and in your house.

She sounds like a narcissist, possibly personality disorder too - I wouldn't want my daughter anywhere near her.

You Mil is an abuser. She is obviously used to controlling those around and doing what she likes.
If this was your OH behaving the unanimous advice would be to get out and get out quick.

Maybe you and your OH could get some couples counselling so that he can recognise that his mother is abusive and that his relationship with her is controlled.

Whether going NC is the answer or not is a question you and your OH need to seriously discuss but if you decide to stay in contact then you both need to have strict boundaries that are forcefully adhered to.

Good luck, you have done a wonderful job bonding with your DC after such a shitty start. I hope you manage to get the help you need to sort this out.

And your OH should have never allowed it. Your primitive and instinctive needs as a mother and baby were totally ripped apart by the lot of them.

Honestly - her behaviour was truly disgusting.

Kissme that sounds awful I'm so glad you got away did you and the baby's father split also?

There's never been any question about me wanting to marry my OH he is my best friend and I can always be open and honest with him and even though me may not see eye to eye on everything we do make compromises he's a wonderful dad to our dd and wonderful partner to me we do make a great team most people are very sensitive when it comes to their parents I totally get that he and his mother have always been very close but I have noticed since this all started he has put distance between them.

Your dh doesn't want his mum's feelings hurt? I am afraid he is wrongly interpreting control as affection. His mum isn't like this through love but the drive to prioritise her own wants over and above those of anyone else.
What you describe certainly isn't normal. Your dh needs to open his eyes and see her behaviour objectively as you do.

I am not surprised you feel as you do visiting her house. You were under dreadful strain there and I'm sure your anxiety was through the roof. You associate the house with the dark experience you had there. You remember how anxious you were and in turn, that makes you feel anxious all over again. I wouldn't want to go there either.

I am astonished that you have been through the mill...yet neither of you have stepped forward and expressed your feelings to mil. If there is any hope of being able to maintain a positive relationship with her long term, she needs to acknowledge what she did as wrong.

I think your mil needs to hear how her actions impacted on you. If she's horrified and apologetic then I can see a chance to repair. If she defends her actions or gets angry, I think you would be wise to disspell any notion of conducting a normal, mutually beneficial relationship with her.

I'm pleased I'm not the only one thinking like this @Narky. I really don't understand why the OP is having all these 'problems' with the MIL. Just don't contact her! If you still want your child to see her let your OH take her. maybe he could grow a pair and tell her to back off while he's there?

And instead of letting MIL and SIL and BIL 'take' your daughter you could have gotten up and took her back and firmly said 'no'?

Stop doing that! Start putting yourself first, you sound a doormat and she is walking all over you. No texting, no going to hers in the night. She has made it clear what she thinks of you, shows you utter disrespect and disregard! Your dh, is not being very supportive, on the surface it may look like it, but at the end of the day, his mothers feelings come first. Time for another talk.

I would be really considering whether marriage at this point in time is the best use of any funds you have.
I would be looking to move far far away. Or at least to an area where popping in was not something that you could do. Then you and your dd having no contact with her again.

Or if you don't do that going no to very low contact certainly not ever going around to her house again.
When your dp says he wants to pop in to his dd's ask to be dropped off with dd first. Or at the very least dropped at the nearest bus stop.

Instead of doing nice things for her do nothing. Whilst you feel you get on with her remember it is all and act
SIL probably feels like she gets on well with MIL but doesn't realise what MIL is saying about her behind her back. She is probably saying allsorts about you to SIL.

Your dp is also prioritising his dms feelings over yours
This must be stopped. Comparing your df to his dm is not the same.

One brought you up and gave you a place of safety when things got bad with mil. One ruined the first few months with your new born, bad mouths everyone, cries her head off if no one does what she wants and wants your dd for herself whilst you quietly disappear

Think of her as a toxic gas. The least exposure the less you get infected

Your dp needs to defend you from the batshit behaviour. You need to learn to say no and mean it. If she doesn't play ball, walk away. Let your do do the contact/texts. It's his mother, not yours. Don't allow her to do anything you aren't comfortable with, no talk of this is dd's future room, no talk of 'my' baby. Put a stop to it, be consistent and ensure your do is on board. Keep her out of the wedding arrangements, I can just imagine she will try to takeover on the day. What a cow.

I would strongly urge you to attend couples counselling before you go any further in your relationship.

Your MiL sounds mad, possessive, deluded, obsessive and a bitch.

Put yourself first- ensure your DP puts you first. I wouldn't text every day but I would slowly slowly cook the relationship with MIL.

It sounds utterly traumatic TBH. Poor you

Your MIL is an absolutely horrible person. Horrible. I'm not sure why you feel like you need to keep excusing and minimising her behaviour, that's something you would need to think about. But be assured, she is an awful person, she doesn't deserve any of your kindnesses and you don't need to feel the slightest shred of guilt for 'upsetting' her or for cutting her out of your life as far as is practical.

Horrible, horrible woman with no redeeming features. Feel free to tell your DH an internet stranger said that!

That you went to live with her straight after your baby was born set a precedent whereby she was able to assume authority over you. You were in her house. You had few decision making powers within your environment. You felt obliged to comply and placate.This dynamic has taken hold now and you find yourself in the grip of her control.

Here's the fact of it - you can break free of that control and tell her where to go any time you like. Don't want to co-parent with the overbearing twat? Don't. Say no. Yes she may rage and wail and gnash her teeth at your insubordination but she has no real authority over you to call upon, only that which is perceived. Only that which you give her.

Refuse to be her minion. Stand up for yourself fgs. Say no. Take baby back. Do not adhere to her schedule. Tell her your babysitting arrangements are none of her business. Tell her to stop being so rude about your dad. If she can't behave she can fuck off.

If you do go ahead with this wedding then make sure you have someone looking after dd from morning till night. I would go as far as to hire a nanny for the day who under no circumstances let's your dd out of their sight. I can see mil taking dd for the day and not giving her back.

Holy shit. This woman is batshit insane. She wants you out of the way so she can indulge in some sick fantasy where she is DD's mother. For your own sanity and your baby's safety and well being this woman needs to be shut out of your life immediately. No more calls/texts, no more visits, and definitely no more babysitting.

Let her cry. They're not tears of remorse, they're tears of manipulation. They're not even worth taking into consideration.

MIL is sick, Toxic, nasty and unstable. As for Xmas, no, she was most definitely not trying to be helpful by slithering in and buying all DD's presents. She was deliberately undermining you (again) and further trying to weasel in to try and replace you as DD's actual mother.

I agree with previous posters that you may be suffering some sort of PTSD, which isn't at all surprising under the circumstances.

Alarm bells were ringing all over the place as I read your OP. Please, for your baby's sake if nothing else, cut this crazy woman out of your lives today!

Your DH needs to think a bit deeper about all of this. His mother is highly emotional and highly strung, he's probably been over-burdened by her emotions for many years and feels he is responsible for making her happy. Give it a few years and she'll be emotionally manipulating your DD too.

she sounds odd. Saying the baby is hers is not normal. Don't put up with herbehaviour stand up to her and dont allow her to be with thebaby alone.

I had to go down to her in the middle of the night

No, you didn't. You also didn't need to take her dress shopping. You also don't need to have contact with her as often as you do. You are well aware of what she's like, so need to start putting some healthy space between you.