I hate my MILs house

[mymilisbatshit]

Apologies if this is long but need to off load it's been on my mind for the last 9 months.

I literally cannot stand going to my MILs house! I met OH 2 and a half years ago we get on great and I love him so much. Me and my MIL got on great had a wonderful relationship and could chat about almost anything. I was living with my dad and my OH spent most nights there with me. My MIL has a boyfriend she does not live with he's a nice man they spend most nights of the week at each other's houses.

I found out I was pregnant and I delivered a beautiful dd summer last year. Just before I gave birth we moved all of my stuff into my MILs place and I was living out of an over night bag at my dads waiting for the big arrival (I wanted to be at my dads before I gave birth I had a tough pregnancy and OH was working and MIL was away) I ended up being induced.. I literally went to bed at my dads house for the last time with no baby and then brought my dd back to my MILs house.

It was almost like there was this little black cloud waiting for me on the door step when I got back there (my labour and birth were pretty traumatic) MIL sat over me from the min we got through the door I wanted to take my new daughter upstairs to bf but she wouldn't let me and insisted I did it in front of her I was still getting to grips with it as soon as i finished feeding her my mil scooped her up and settled on the sofa with her.. I won't lie it hurt a lot. My best friend came over (she was invited) and MIL didn't give us a moment of privacy she also wouldn't let my best friend hold my daughter I had to sternly tell her to give my baby back so I could hand her over. The evening continues she burst into our room in the middle of the night when I was feeding my daughter and in the morning she walked in and scooped my baby out of her Moses basket and took her into her room and shut the door. I felt devastated. I had stitches from front to back but I didn't care I put my baby in her pram
And walked the mile and half to my dads house my OH came with me. About an hour later she sent me a text asking where I was with HER granddaughter. I bluntly replied that I was visiting my dad she told me to get home.

I went back and turned out she had invited my BIL and SIL to stay for a few days (they don't live locally and i have only met them a hand full of times) as soon as I walked in i was ordered to hand over my dd I was only to hold my baby if I was feeding her. My SIL even took my baby in the morning and put her in bed with herself and BIL.. I didn't like it one bit but I felt abit outnumbered and intimidated. They stayed for 3 days and i wasn't allowed to take my dd to see any of my family and MIL practically banned my dad from her house when he did visit for 10 mins she lurked the whole time and mumbled how she didn't want him there and he was intruding.

We were living at MILs and she works more and she has the BF so she said she often wouldn't be home we were saving for a mortgage.. we paid MIL rent and paid towards bills we did our own cooking and I did all the housework for her and often prepared meals for her we weren't getting a free ride nor did we expect one.

About a week and a half since my daughter was born MIL came home from work and announced she hated her job and she would be taking 6 months off as sick because she wanted to spend some time with her baby I remember feeling sick and on the edge of a full blown panic attack. About half the week she stayed at her boyfriends (she didn't want to) so the days she wasn't there is wasn't so bad (not that she should of had to leave her own house of course) even when she wasn't there I cried every day until finally one night when my baby was sleeping and OH got home from work I crumpled on the lounge floor and just sobbed and sobbed OH didn't know what to do we talked about it he called my dad and my dad offered us to move back with him short term.. it wasn't in our plan but I couldn't say no I just HAD to get out.

Things improved and me and OH got our own place and we have since set up some boundaries. MIL pushed us into taking the first thing we saw because she hated us living with my dad and said it wasn't fair he was getting more time with the baby (this wasn't true my dad did give us our own space I know people will think I am biased but that's the honest truth.

Things are going great my baby is almost 10 months old she's healthy and she's happy.. I stopped BF at MILS after BIL and SIL left i tried for a few more days but I had missed so much of my dd first days the bond wasn't there I didn't feel right it broke my heart and I cried when I gave her that first bottle of formula (not that there's anything wrong with bottle feeding)

Thing is, I HATE going to visit my MILs house and always have since moving out of there it's almost like that little black cloud is still there waiting at the door. If my OH suggests popping in there on our way home I feel really put out and the anxiety sets in my heart feels jittery. Once I am there I know I am very stand offish and I cling to my baby now she's older she does tend to prefer me as well so these days I don't feel so much like I am the one being possessive even though I kind of am. I will only ever stay a maximum of an hour even if I don't have dd with me I still hate going there. I do however not mind my MIL coming to my house or meeting her out and about. We still have some problems but I do not avoid her.

Problems we are still having are abit silly but it really hurts me, she refuses to acknowledge me as my dd mother she always refers to her as MY granddaughter or OHs baby. She has a spare bedroom which she has recently told me is my DDs bedroom incase she wants to live with nanny when she's a little older (why would she want to live with her yeh she may want to stay there i accept that) she gets angry with me if anyone else babysits my dd even if she is not free to do so herself (i don't have many people babysit only people I am close to) she badmouths my dad all the time it's hurtful my dad is a goodman who has been through a lot he's the kind of bloke who will do anything or anyone including her.. and she has let him i almost feel like she has a laugh at his expense sometimes. There are a couple of other things but it's starts getting abit pretty like when she bought all the stuff she knew I wanted to buy dd for Christmas.. she actually asked me what I was getting her (not much you can buy a 6 month old) and she went out and brought it all (maybe she was trying to help)

Despite all this I do try and keep the relationship good I don't want dd to miss out of her gm my own mother passed away a couple of years ago so I understand how important these relationships are however I do wish she would respect that mine and dd relationship is also important. I do always text or call her atleast every other day and I make a point of arranging to meet or inviting her round atleast once a week.

Why do I still feel like this about her house in particular? My dad thinks it's because that's where I was when I was at my lowest point.

I think one of the main reasons I'm so nice to her and I didn't want to say it on here because I'm worried what you will all think of me when I stopped breast feeding dd me and mil were in the lounge I was trying to feed dd and she being fussy mil kept trying to take her out of my arms while I was feeding her I really lost my temper I got up out of the chair with dd in my arms and I threw the babys bottle at her and told her to fuck off. The bottle hit her square in the face and she immediately burst into tears Im not someone who lashes out or behaves like that it takes quite a lot to top me over the edge but I felt tremendously guilty about it for a long time. Even then though she never actually backed off she told OH I was unstable and tried suggesting she should care for the baby while we went away together. I was expecting to immediately be thrown out of her house but I wasn't it was surreal I am ashamed of what I did by the way.

I second the posters who said you need to go NC. It's good that your DP acknowledged her behavior was poor, but that doesn't go far enough - he needs to actually do something to ensure she can't behave like this any more, and to stand up to her.

I threw the bottle at mil not the baby by the way incase anyone reads that last one wrong!

I wouldn't be marrying this man until you're both on the same page regarding MIL. By same page, I mean cutting her out of your lives.

You are your child's advocate. She's too young to speak for herself, so as her mother it is your duty to keep her safe. Letting her anywhere near MIL is not keeping her safe. It's exposing her to all sorts of toxicity and insanity.

And I don't blame you for losing your rag... who tries to take a baby away from their mother while they're being fed?

You were being bullied and pushed. The pressure she put you under was immense and not normal. Throwing a bottle at her was wrong, you recognise that. But but but - you don't owe her anything. Nothing. The difference between you both is that you know what you did was wrong, whereas she doesn't seem to have the capacity to stop her abusive behaviour.

Your reaction was instinctive and pretty normal for a mammel, by the way. You were defending your defenceless baby!

You say she's the mother of 2 sons. This could explain a few things. Has she always yearned for a daughter by any chance? It sounds like she's trying to use your daughter to appease a possible yearning for her own.

Whatever her reasons, she's clearly got mental issues, I'm sorry but no body acts like that unless they are seriously unhinged!!

You are right in not letting her contribute financialy to your wedding, she is manipulating you and it will be used to make you feel like you are in debt to her in some way.

Your OH sounds like an ex boyfriend of mine. Nice guy but fully reliant on his mother who was an overbearing busy body who insisted on buying us a house and having her own hey so she could come and go as she pleased. The boy couldn't even do his own washing! We broke up because he wouldn't stand up to her when she belittled me.

Appreciate your OH is the one you want to be with but I seriously suggest you work with him to make him realise that just because his mum did everything fir him, it doesn't excuse such awful behaviour!

You sound like an amazing person OP! Not many people could go through what you have gone through and come out the other end still sane. You are obviously trying to understand where your hubby is coming from and that's the sign of a great partner, your OH is lucky to have you. That being said, if you insist on keeping this crazy 24 carat toss piece of a MIL in your life, make sure you are setting some serious boundaries and don't let her manipulate you or your daughter.

Which is exactly why you need to tell her straight before it gets to the stage of losing your temper and throwing stuff.

You said baby no 2 was wanted. I would think about what do you need to do to get yourself in the position where this nonsense would not be repeated if no 2 was to happen. If your dp cannot get to a position where no2 and you were protected from this happening again then I would not consider no2 with him (or marriage) This Mil relationship is abnormal. No matter what you have done/said to her she has no right to take your child.
If you feel it would help go to your GP, get some counselling- but I wouldn't tell mil (and insist dp doesn't either) as it is something else she will use against you.
You need to break this cycle. Yes he needs to back you or you need to get rid, but you have to be strong enough to say NO. No i'm not going to mil house, no you are not take my child, no you are not bad mouthing my family (you need to get your dad on board too I think).

Just read your last post OP! You are even more awesome now! Don't feel bad, we've all got a cut off point.
That'll teach her not to to be such a total wank biscuit!

If she didn't back off after being hit in the face with a bottle and told to fuck off, she never will. You will have to be the one to distance yourself from her. And so you should. She is seriously nuts and you are only putting up with her because of your kindness.

I don't think you should go NC. Aside from anything it will be nice for your DD to have a grandma growing up. However, you need to establish the boundaries and ensure the MIL understands.

You sound very nice (as does your dad). Wishing you all the best.

Your MIL wants to play at being mummy again to your child. You cannot afford to be around her in any way shape or form now. She will manipulate your child in not too dissimilar ways as to how her son has been treated. She did a crap job on your partner and she will damage your DD in similar ways. She basically sees you as a vessel for carrying her grandchild, a child that she really does regard as her own.

Your partner has been raised by her and he is in his own inertia as well FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to her as well. He also regards her behaviour as "normal". His inertia re her hurts him as well as you.

People like his mother are frankly dangerous to be around, she will destroy you all if you allow it to happen. Look at the rubbish
job she did to her son.

She does not deserve your kindness honestly and she has certainly not shown you any. You have been simply tolerated by her because you have produced a child (for her). You likely come from an emotionally healthy family unit where this type of familial dysfunction is thankfully unknown, your man has clearly not been so lucky.

Narcissists do not accept boundaries and any boundaries you care to show MIL will be ignored roundly. NC is the way to go with such people and you would never have tolerated any of this from a friend. His mother is truly no different.

No, missdallas - it's not nice to have abusive narcissistic relatives.

Yes we are still together I won't lie it's been tough but moving away as drastic as it sounds was the best decision ever for my wellbeing. The weight shifted from my shoulders so I only had to listen to the insults when she rang up and spat out her venum towards me. I am only sorry I hadn't done it sooner my first born was 8 when we moved and she brought her poison to dd too. When dd got to about 9 months its as if she knew because she would cry every time MIL picked her up yet was fine with everyone else! This riled MIL so much so she got more nasty to me and made snide comments to dd as she got older and wouldn't show the affection back that MIL craved. She broke my heart when dd was about 6 and dd was so excited telling MIL about what she wanted from santa and MIL spat out that santa wasn't real and that it was really me!! That was how low she got!! In my opinion it won't get any easier for you and she won't change believe me. As for weddings MIL spoilt my big day I won't even start to tell you I would be here all day but I will tell you one thing, she took a load of wedding invitations and invited her friends and her daughters friends/partners so on my big day there was a load of guests I didn't even know!! and as for the rest I won't go there!

your NN is very appropriate - your MIL is batshit!
I think it would be a good idea for you to write down everything you've written here - not in so much detail just bullet points, and everything else you remember, or that subsequently happens, with dates if possible. This might make it clear to your DP how insane her behaviour is, and that it isn't just a series of one-off events, it's a constant cycle; she isn't a normal woman that sometimes behaves badly, she's someone with serious issues whose default behaviour is aggressive and inappropriate. It would also be useful for you to look back on if you do go low contact or she tries to guilt-trip you, to remember exactly why you've made that decision and that you are fully justified.

I think it's interesting that she bad-mouthed SIL (her own dd) to you, and has fights with her boyfriend - this, together with the fact that you both get on fine when alone, suggests that it isn't you personally she has an issue with (not sure if this is comforting to you at all!) but she is just generally emotionally immature and thrives on conflict. I bet she bitches about your DP behind his back too. She might honestly not think she is behaving that badly towards you and your dad - because to her moaning about people behind their back and being nice to their face is a normal way to behave and she's not treating you any differently than she does her immediate family. Which is, of course, batshit!

It's a pity your dad lives fairly close because otherwise I would be saying to move far, far away!

Well done mumil, I don't blame yiu, anyone in your position would do the same after being treated like that! She was out of order. Don't apologise or feel guilty, she pushed you to the edge! Now on let your partner deal,with his mother, minimise your contact with her. Show her your dd mother, not her. You need to get out of this people pleasing and apologetic mentality. Definitly counselling.

You owe this woman nothing! She is a bad grandmother, she will only try to poison your dd against you and manipulate her when she is older. You are trying to get a normal grandmother/granddaughter relationship between them, but you cannot because of how she is. Your partner has to deal with his mum, yiur done. Look after yourself and your own first, that means protecting yourself, your dd, and standing up for your wonderful dad. My dad died when I was 11, I woukd love my dad back, he was fantastic, hearing how she treats your dad, gives me the rage. I would never forgive her for that, and how she treated yiu, when your dd was born.

Being honest OP I would have been throwing a lot more than a bottle at your MIL, a pillow at night while she slept would have worked wonders for her piss poor attitude!

I don't know how your DP let it continue or why but you need to put a stop to her behaviour now. It will get worse as your DD gets older and as DD comprehension gets better MIL will start to emotionally abuse her as she did/does everyone else around her.

I would suggest NC for your and your DD welfare. Maybe after a decent period of time very short supervised visits. You need to clearly tell her what she did that upset you and to set boundaries now as to how you will be spoken to. I would suggest you also tell SIL how and what she did that upset you too and make it clear she will not be treating you in that way ever again.

Op I second a lot of pp. she's toxic, she will try and drive a wedge between you, your oh and your daughter for the rest of your life.
I also think as hard as it is nc is best for your family to survive together.

I think you sound lovely I can't believe she did that to you. I'm livid on your behalf.
Keep your chin up and stay open and honest with your oh.
Good luck

If she didn't back off after being hit in the face with a bottle and told to fuck off, she never will

Agreed. It doesn't mean you have to pander to her.

Did I read it right that your DP suggested you go to the gp for some help? I hope he's not suggesting that this is all 'on you'

i think you should speak to someone about getting support. And talking through with a professional may help you see that none of this is normal. And you have done nothing wrong

If that had happened to me she would have got more than a bottle thrown at her. She has no hold over you. You do not need to feel like you have to 'make it up to her' after hitting her with the bottle.

What your Dd needs most is a happy confident mum. Your mil makes you the opposite

By staying in contact you are not ensuring your Dd has a Gm. You are ensuring she is around a frankly dangerous and abusive narcissist who will stop at nothing to drive a wedge between you and your own daughter - presumably so she can take over (bedrooms all ready I see)

You need to much much tougher. And I agree with the distance. You need space to be a family.

I worry your DP doesn't quite realise the seriousness of the situation.