I hate my MILs house

[mymilisbatshit]

Apologies if this is long but need to off load it's been on my mind for the last 9 months.

I literally cannot stand going to my MILs house! I met OH 2 and a half years ago we get on great and I love him so much. Me and my MIL got on great had a wonderful relationship and could chat about almost anything. I was living with my dad and my OH spent most nights there with me. My MIL has a boyfriend she does not live with he's a nice man they spend most nights of the week at each other's houses.

I found out I was pregnant and I delivered a beautiful dd summer last year. Just before I gave birth we moved all of my stuff into my MILs place and I was living out of an over night bag at my dads waiting for the big arrival (I wanted to be at my dads before I gave birth I had a tough pregnancy and OH was working and MIL was away) I ended up being induced.. I literally went to bed at my dads house for the last time with no baby and then brought my dd back to my MILs house.

It was almost like there was this little black cloud waiting for me on the door step when I got back there (my labour and birth were pretty traumatic) MIL sat over me from the min we got through the door I wanted to take my new daughter upstairs to bf but she wouldn't let me and insisted I did it in front of her I was still getting to grips with it as soon as i finished feeding her my mil scooped her up and settled on the sofa with her.. I won't lie it hurt a lot. My best friend came over (she was invited) and MIL didn't give us a moment of privacy she also wouldn't let my best friend hold my daughter I had to sternly tell her to give my baby back so I could hand her over. The evening continues she burst into our room in the middle of the night when I was feeding my daughter and in the morning she walked in and scooped my baby out of her Moses basket and took her into her room and shut the door. I felt devastated. I had stitches from front to back but I didn't care I put my baby in her pram
And walked the mile and half to my dads house my OH came with me. About an hour later she sent me a text asking where I was with HER granddaughter. I bluntly replied that I was visiting my dad she told me to get home.

I went back and turned out she had invited my BIL and SIL to stay for a few days (they don't live locally and i have only met them a hand full of times) as soon as I walked in i was ordered to hand over my dd I was only to hold my baby if I was feeding her. My SIL even took my baby in the morning and put her in bed with herself and BIL.. I didn't like it one bit but I felt abit outnumbered and intimidated. They stayed for 3 days and i wasn't allowed to take my dd to see any of my family and MIL practically banned my dad from her house when he did visit for 10 mins she lurked the whole time and mumbled how she didn't want him there and he was intruding.

We were living at MILs and she works more and she has the BF so she said she often wouldn't be home we were saving for a mortgage.. we paid MIL rent and paid towards bills we did our own cooking and I did all the housework for her and often prepared meals for her we weren't getting a free ride nor did we expect one.

About a week and a half since my daughter was born MIL came home from work and announced she hated her job and she would be taking 6 months off as sick because she wanted to spend some time with her baby I remember feeling sick and on the edge of a full blown panic attack. About half the week she stayed at her boyfriends (she didn't want to) so the days she wasn't there is wasn't so bad (not that she should of had to leave her own house of course) even when she wasn't there I cried every day until finally one night when my baby was sleeping and OH got home from work I crumpled on the lounge floor and just sobbed and sobbed OH didn't know what to do we talked about it he called my dad and my dad offered us to move back with him short term.. it wasn't in our plan but I couldn't say no I just HAD to get out.

Things improved and me and OH got our own place and we have since set up some boundaries. MIL pushed us into taking the first thing we saw because she hated us living with my dad and said it wasn't fair he was getting more time with the baby (this wasn't true my dad did give us our own space I know people will think I am biased but that's the honest truth.

Things are going great my baby is almost 10 months old she's healthy and she's happy.. I stopped BF at MILS after BIL and SIL left i tried for a few more days but I had missed so much of my dd first days the bond wasn't there I didn't feel right it broke my heart and I cried when I gave her that first bottle of formula (not that there's anything wrong with bottle feeding)

Thing is, I HATE going to visit my MILs house and always have since moving out of there it's almost like that little black cloud is still there waiting at the door. If my OH suggests popping in there on our way home I feel really put out and the anxiety sets in my heart feels jittery. Once I am there I know I am very stand offish and I cling to my baby now she's older she does tend to prefer me as well so these days I don't feel so much like I am the one being possessive even though I kind of am. I will only ever stay a maximum of an hour even if I don't have dd with me I still hate going there. I do however not mind my MIL coming to my house or meeting her out and about. We still have some problems but I do not avoid her.

Problems we are still having are abit silly but it really hurts me, she refuses to acknowledge me as my dd mother she always refers to her as MY granddaughter or OHs baby. She has a spare bedroom which she has recently told me is my DDs bedroom incase she wants to live with nanny when she's a little older (why would she want to live with her yeh she may want to stay there i accept that) she gets angry with me if anyone else babysits my dd even if she is not free to do so herself (i don't have many people babysit only people I am close to) she badmouths my dad all the time it's hurtful my dad is a goodman who has been through a lot he's the kind of bloke who will do anything or anyone including her.. and she has let him i almost feel like she has a laugh at his expense sometimes. There are a couple of other things but it's starts getting abit pretty like when she bought all the stuff she knew I wanted to buy dd for Christmas.. she actually asked me what I was getting her (not much you can buy a 6 month old) and she went out and brought it all (maybe she was trying to help)

Despite all this I do try and keep the relationship good I don't want dd to miss out of her gm my own mother passed away a couple of years ago so I understand how important these relationships are however I do wish she would respect that mine and dd relationship is also important. I do always text or call her atleast every other day and I make a point of arranging to meet or inviting her round atleast once a week.

Why do I still feel like this about her house in particular? My dad thinks it's because that's where I was when I was at my lowest point.

Creat a distance, start saying no.

Oh YesAeroflot. This is someone who 9if she is acting out something from her own life) lacks the insight to acknowledge or change that, I strongly suspect.

Do not let your dd spend anytime on her own with your MIL. She sounds completely toxic and almost like she wants your dd to be her own dd. The comment about the bedroom is particularly worrying "in case she wants to live here", shut that down and kill it off immediately, let your MIL know that is not going to happen ever.

I would let her cry - what's better, her crying, or you?? (Serious question - who would your DP try to appease?? If it's her, over you, BIG RED FLAG!)

A few episodes of the screaming abdabs would have been my choice too - the treatment you got in the first few months was cruel and heartless torture. I'd be letting OH know about it too. You are not over-reacting - you are under-reacting to this person taking your child.

Omg, wow I wasn't expecting to wake up to all these replies now amazing. I'm new to mumsnet but I've lurked for a while.

I have cut right back on going to her house and I have to say it does seem as though she is not as interested in coming to mine but she still will. I do think this is because she doesn't feel in control here but I always do my best to be warm and welcoming (sometime it is hard) I have also over the last couple of weeks stating being more assertive she asked late last week if she could come over in the evening i messaged her back and politely told her that that evening in particular wasn't good for me and I had stuff on she did her in a huff and only spoke to me again yesterday.

I agree with the people here who have said her behaviour is obsessive and extreme I told my best friend a short while ago I find her obsession with dd quite creepy and it makes me feel weird.

Just to clarify my SIL is also her DIL my MIL has 2 sons and as far as I am aware no troubles with fertility and thankfully so baby or pregnancy loss. I however have lost 3 babies and after the first 2 I was so sure I would never get to be a mum (the first 2 was with an ex partner) it was an extremely difficult time. I actually lost a pregnancy fairly recently just after new year (I wasn't far along but emotionally it hurt like hell even though the pregnancy wasn't planned we wanted the baby) MIL seemed quite unfazed by the miscarriage it was almost like she used it as an excuse to try and get DD off of us she kept saying I would need a D&C for sure to book in otherwise I'd get infected and never have anymore children. The 2 first losses resulted in needed operations as I was quite a bit further along but the more recent loss resolved itself fairly quickly there was absolutely no need for any operations it was like she was trying to scare me. I have gotten my head around the miscarriage I think that perhaps my body wasn't ready to carry again so quickly I do still think about it but I also remember how lucky I am to have my rainbow baby. OH thinks that may also be contributing to my sensitive behaviour (or his mum is just batshit?)

I forgot to mention (not important but would like to get it off my chest and you all seem lovely and understanding) when I first stopped BF (much to MILs delight) mil was holding dd and dd starting routing MIL announced and DD was searching for her boob and was looking for a feed from her and went on about how much dd must trust her and feel safe with her etc she seemed genuinely ecstatic about it she was beaming ear to ear (I know dd was routing but i didn't see why she had to announce it like that I really felt like I had failed as a mother when I stopped bf and MIL knew that) when my dd did that to my best friend she just smiled at my daughter and said oh no lady you won't find nothing in those puppies i think you want your mummy now and she passed her straight back. MIL didn't pass the dd back she almost held her closer I felt sick.

Me and OH have recently booked our wedding so while going no contact would be amazing my OH doesn't have much family but these days he seems closer to mine. OH and I are paying for our wedding ourselves we have worked and saved hard and took a loan from the bank we don't have any other finances and aren't having a holiday this year so we thought what the hell we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. MIL keeps insisting on trying to give us money towards things I let her come wedding dress shopping with me (please don't ask me why) I thought it I was nicer to her she might back off and maybe start respecting me) my budget for the dress was between 1000 and 12000 but certainly no more and even that's ridiculous for something il only ever where once. MIL insisted that if I found a dress that was over budget she would pay the difference I know this sounds ungrateful but I really didn't want her to it felt abit like she wanted me to be in her debt. She kept forcing me to try on dresses she knew were out of my price range and saying how great they were anything I chose she bad mouthed she was argumentative with the woman who was assisting us and dismissed everything my bridesmaids said eventually I found the dress I wanted I knew the second I put it on myself and my bridesmaids cried when I stepped out my MIL acted really underwhelmed and pretty much looked in the other direction. Only problem was I didn't know the price I didn't even think to ask I loved it that much on the hanger I just had to get in on quick. That moment was tense but the assistant informed me the dress was only 900! (I say only) my MIL stormed out of the bridal shop because i had chosen a dress within my budget and I didn't need any financial help with the cost of it! What was that about?!

My dad babysat that day because most bridal shops don't appreciate young children or babies in the shop my dad often posts on social media about my DD usually photos of her or cute message pictures it's adorable MIL was on his social media page she sneered at every photo and badmouthed him to my bridesmaids I heard her through the curtain my bridesmaids were horrified. I have vowed she will not be part of anymore planning in our wedding she has got it in her head that she will be choosing dds dress for the wedding and she will be having her the night before the wedding and the day and night off. When hell freezes over!

Your MIL sounds absolutely unhinged. Your child is yours, not hers. Give her as much contact as YOU are happy with. If she huffs, if she puffs, if she complains to everyone down the local shops, let her get on with it.

As an aside, OP, you sound lovely and incredibly tolerant. I'd have lost it way before now. Being tolerant and kind doesn't mean putting your own needs and wants after your MILs. Put yourself and DD first. MIL has had her time in the sun with her own newborns, this is your time, this is your motherhood. Don't let her define it.

Also, I say this as a woman who (now) has a fabulous relationship with her MIL. MIL when we first met was overbearing, critical and quite unkind at times. DH is very non-confrontational so would allow MIL to take liberties. Sadly for MIL I'm the polar opposite and will stand my ground anywhere, so she had to learn to back down and sort her attitude out. Kudos to her, she did and we managed to build a lovely friendship. We spend time together away from DH and the DCs, she's a huge help to our family and my DCs adore her like nobody else on earth. Sometimes the very best course of action is saying "no" to someone. They have to learn that you're not going to tolerate their bad behaviour and adjust accordingly.

She does sound crazy and you and ur dp sound lovely. However if you don't resolve this before the wedding, you will have long term ramifications. My mother was a bit like this with my brother and sil and it took a couple of years of readjustment on my mums part but she got there eventually. At the time I was on my mums side but now I can see she was interfering and I wArn her off now! My sil ironically is v similar to my mother in the type of emotional issues they have (though neither they nor my brother accepts that!!). Every incident, it took my brother to phone my mum and tell her off which believe me didn't go down well, but it taught my mum the boundaries. That's what ur mil needs but you must do it with ur dp. When it happens, tell her off then move. Repeat when it happens again. She'll get it eventually, but I would for some peace say something then plan the wedding with her included. Good luck.

mymil I am so sorry to hear about your mc [flowes]. YOu have a dh problem you need to sort out before you get married or she will drive a wedge between you and your fiancee and ruin your marriage and your lives. Sorry to be blunt, she will. My mother is quite toxic, and we live a distance from her, she does not drive, so that is much easier, I believed if we did live near her, our marriage would have ended. She likes to be in control, is very negative, and plays the woe is me card. She criticises others but cannot see her faults, and cries when you point them out.

love, you are too nice, start being assertive, and creating boundaries and some distance, or she will walk all over you. You have a lovely father, please so not sacrifice that relationship trying to please this vile excuse of a MIL. Your dh needs to have your back, and support you, but it sounds as though he is not. You need to show him this thread. Nobody should ever treat you the way this woman is treating you, the nicer you are, the nastier she is, you will never please her, so just please yourself.

Treat her how she treats you, if you don't want her dress shopping, say no! No to any money, as she will use that against you, she is not a nice person. If you have another dc, please do not let that situation ever happen again. Be in your own home, she only comes if she is invited. Do not let her snatch baby from you, do not let her invite others. Please go for counselling.

Glad you're being more assertive OP. I have a lovely relationship with my DIL but certainly didn't expect to go wedding dress shopping with her, or be consulted about their wedding plans.
Stay strong and keep your MIL at a distance. Don't tell her your every movement and if she oversteps the mark push her right back. Be evasive and breezily tell her "it's ok. I know what I'm doing".

No to her choosing dd dress, no to her having her on her own, she cannot be trusted. Use your dad, or friend, not her!

OP I'm sorry to hear about the death of your mother. Partly because it's horrible to lose a parent and partly because I'm sure you would have been stronger through those first few months of your baby if your mother had been there to support you.

I'd like to pick up on this though I do try and keep the relationship good I don't want dd to miss out of her gm. I applaud you for trying to give DD contact with her remaining grandmother, keeping up phone calls and texts, but I think you might be misguided. After everything she's done to you so far, and given the comment about the bedroom and how your daughter might want to live there (not just visit) I'd be concerned about what MIL could do/is planning to do to mess with your daughter's head in the future.

It's not necessarily true that a grandma under any circumstances is better than no grandma at all, so be careful and don't let an admirable sentiment to maintain contact get in the way of doing the right thing for you and DD.

OH and I have had a few chats about this more frequently my best friend babysat and he took me for a meal so we could discuss on neutral ground it was great he heard my points and calmly explained how he was fine with us taking a step back from his mother but at the same time he didn't want her feelings hurt I can understand this I would never want someone to hurt my dad. He has said he will start putting MIL in her place when he sees her acting grabby and entitled with dd and I have agreed I will speak to my GP. I have tried spending alone time with her I even treated her to a spa day once and we had a great time there none of these nasty comments or MY granddaughter but she also never mentioned me as a mother which I felt was odd. We did have a great time and she treated me to a fancy dinner in return we were gone almost all day and the break was most welcomed dd was quite a bit younger then but when we returned things just went straight back and I can't afford a spa day every time I was to have a nice day with her. She did talk about SIL a lot especially in the car on the way home and some of the stuff was not nice although I have never repeated it to anyone I didn't agree with what she said. I am definitely going to take a break from her I think and just let OH deal with her calls and texts I don't want to be deliberately obstructive but I think putting some space between us short term might be beneficial. I do understand that she loves her granddaughter and I've said all along I don't want to obstruct my dds relationship with her GM but I do think MIL is very confused about the role she plays.

I don't know if this is relevant but before me and OH met my OH was very reliant on his mother her other son had flown the best but OH was living at home with her and I will be honest she put up with a lot she did all his cooking, cleaning, bought him clothes! OH does have a tendancy to be lazy but it's something I nipped quickly and reminded him I am not his mother we do make a joke of it and OH does pull his weight he helps out with dd and always asks if there's anything he can do around the house. I am
Wondering whether she's feeling replaced or abit redundant now that OH is gone maybe like she's been forced into the back seat abit. I know that doesn't excuse the behaviour but I'm wondering if maybe it explains it?

whoohoo yes I would have done the same, my mamma tiger mentality wod have matched right there and taken my baby back. And told her what for, but I can be hobby like that if required!

Wow you sound very understanding and reasonable - the positive is that your OH is supportive. I do think you need to absolutely hold your ground and prioritise your new little family, not your MiL.

It might be in the future your Mil will accept that you are the mother, you are in control and she can be a doting grandmother. Then maybe she'll be a support to all of you but it absolutely has to be your rules.

Your feelings matter too op, she may well feel alone, and useless, once everyone has flown the nest, you need to put those boundaries in. Block her on your phone, delete her from Facebook, or restrict what she can see.

I think your partner's mother wants to play at being mummy again but this time to your own DD. I would raise your own boundaries a lot higher than they have been to date because this woman has really walked all over you.

Re your comment:-
"Despite all this I do try and keep the relationship good I don't want dd to miss out of her gm my own mother passed away a couple of years ago so I understand how important these relationships are however I do wish she would respect that mine and dd relationship is also important. I do always text or call her atleast every other day and I make a point of arranging to meet or inviting her round atleast once a week"

No, no no this is simply playing into her hands. Her GM is not a good person to be at all around. She is your child after all, not hers. Do not let your good intentions misguide you further re someone like his mother. You to her are just the vessel to carry her grandchild, a child she regards as her own.

Re this comment made by thedevilmademedoit:-

" After everything she's done to you so far, and given the comment about the bedroom and how your daughter might want to live there (not just visit) I'd be concerned about what MIL could do/is planning to do to mess with your daughter's head in the future".

I would agree with this; your future MIL may actively seek to further undermine your authority as parents and encourage your DD to go and live with her. This is also how narcissistic people operate; they either over value or under value the relationship with the gc. Your future MIL is over valuing the relationship with her gc and will also use your DD as narcissistic supply. You all ultimately need to be in no contact with his mother.

I feel the kinder you are, the nastier she is, when you start being assertive I think she might respect you more. People work in funny ways. Hi

I agree with Attilla she sounds very dangerous. She could well manipulate your dd when she is older. She sounds like a classic narc.

Hi OP, I also think you might have PTSD from a traumatic birth and your awful MIL essentially stealing your baby. Lack of control and being treated with no consideration can be big triggers for birth-trauma related PTSD.

I had PTSD and ended up selling our house and buying one 10 mimutes walk away because I just couldn't be happy or settled in the place where I'd been at my most desperate worst.

Every time you go back to her house it puts you back in the position of being vulnerable, dehumanised, frightened etc. I'm not surprised Christmas was a nightmare and you've blanked it out, it must have felt like torture.

OP please don't go to her house again, please stop being so nice to her and inviting her places - she has treated you appallingly. Would you be so kind to someone who treated your own child so badly? I guess not, so why is it okay for you to have to suck or up? Stop pandering to her - your DH doesn't understand the seriousness of the cruelty towards you or the enormity of the harm she has done you. He needs to have his eyes opened so he can fully support you, or your relationship will suffer in the long term.

When you feel able, some counselling or talking therapy might be useful to deal with your totally understandable feelings of anger and distress. Counselling with someone who specialised in birth trauma helped me enormously.

The bad mouthing of your lovely DF has to be challenged every single time - that she thinks it's okay to do this gives an indication of the horrible type of person she is. Tell her it is rude and unacceptable and you won't have your child around someone who speaks about your DF like that. Get your DH to pull her up on it as well. It won't be too long before your child will understand every word your MIL is saying. I really don't understand how you haven't verbally ripped her face off yet.

Please try to find the strength to stand up for yourself, your child and your DF. Big you're not able to do it yet then distance yourself while you have counselling, gather your strength etc. This isn't going to go away by itself and her terrible behaviour is unlikely to get any better. You're planning on marrying her DS - do you really want to have to put up with this shit for the next 20 - 30 plus years........?

I reckon you have PTSD from having your baby taken away from you

Seriously? So much wrong with that statement.

Yes the MIL is bonkers, but lets face it it was a couple of weeks then you left. Your real problem was your OH not helping you with his batty mother. Why are you texted her and seeing her all the time, you're only encouraging her?

he heard my points and calmly explained how he was fine with us taking a step back from his mother but at the same time he didn't want her feelings hurt

Tough. Your feelings have been devastated by her. It's good that DH has said he will be more assertive, but it's really too late and - if he doesn't want her feelings hurt - too little. He should be completely on your side in this, not half heartedly. By saying what he did, he's showing that he is prioritising her feelings over yours. Time for another talk with him.

You have to ramp it up several notches. And start creating a long term distance, or it will affect your well being and your dd. She cannot walk in and act as mummy, she had her time. She is not DD mummy, you are, that is what you have to get across to her.

Also you mentioned she had 3 sons, did she desperately want a daughter. As her behaviour could indicate that.

Without trying to worry you, I think you and OH need to think about the future and what your DD will learn from MIL and you both as she grows up. The way you all speak of and behave in this relationship will be something she sees and learns from. No one displays perfect behaviour all the time, but there are things that I always pick up with DDs grandparents ('casual' racism, negative gossiping about other family members) that are unacceptable to us. I cant stop them saying those things occasionally in front of her, but I can show her that its not the way we behave and pull them up on it instantly. Not always easy, and in our case grandparents get over it straight away (whilst no doubt thinking we're weirdos!) and move on. Sounds like it would be much harder in your case, but I really think you and OH need to discuss and agree exactly what you are going to question every time it happens and both pull her up on it. Minimise contact as you see fit, but dont let her 'get away' with behaving dreadfully just because she is your MIL.

It's definitely a tough one I do tend to find she backs off more if I keep in some sort of contact otherwise she just starts showing up and my house or my dad's house I've found the way to avoid that is a simple quick text message and she goes away I know it must be encouraging her through so I will try to stop doing that.

I could sort of understand where OH was coming from but it did feel like her feelings where regarded as a higher priority then mine I know deep down it's because I am always the voice of reason and I'm pretty understanding I do always try and see things from everyone's point of view I've always been that way.

She's very emotional and highly strung. When her and her boyfriend had an argument (they never argue and it wasn't over anything massive) she spent 3 days on her sofa crying she wouldn't eat or take any sort of care of herself I had to go down to her in the middle of the night and comfort her this was shortly before Christmas.. I wasn't trying to pander to her I was genuinely worried at the time and it was me she confided in for a moment it did bring us closer. she reminded me of a teenager.. I won't go into what the argument was about but as a spectator it was defiantly her fault and she got what she deserved so I felt mixed feelings mainly pity but I'd be lying if I said I was a bit pleased she had been given a taste of her own medicine.