To be very concerned about friends weight loss and eating habits?

[FriendIsActingStrange]

This time last year she was a size 14 with normal eating habits and a normal attitude to food. Then one day she suddenly decided she was going to go on a health kick. All well and gone but fast forward a year later and I'm worried she is taking it too far.

She has lost a lot of weight and she is now a size 10 and tbh looks a bit too thin through her frame. Her diet now consists of salads, jacket potatoes and she will only eat homemade food and food she has prepared herself. She will only drink water or tea except on special occasions.

AIBU to be worried? She looks so thin now and so obsessive about food

I'm about to put a size 10 coat on over a size 14 top. Both fit . labels are utterly random and no indication of body weight.

Eating salad in February will be a bit nasty but maybe she didn't fancy a pizza? Not everyone drinks. If she is becoming a food bore that is a concern, but otherwise leave her to it.

its true re perceptions, as i had a friend who was totally the fatish jolly girl, who became stick thin..it was like her face didnt fit her body any more..to her old friends.. but i think she probably looked fine to her new friends. the worry is that if you are freaked, you haven't been complimentary. .and so part of her is going 'huh? maybe i still don't look good' ..but theres nothing too weird about making your own food and eating well..ish.. in fact i think its weirder how so many people think packaged or pre-made food is normal and homemade is weirdo geeky oddness. thats real brainwashing!

it might be she isnt getting enough cals...or that its easier for her to show discipline in restaurants. be complimentary, talk about it..

I, quite frankly, love you all! I've lost 4 and a half stone recently and have completely changed my view of what I eat. I now happily refuse pizza etc and make choices that are better for ME! I've gone from a size 18/20 to a 10. I'm 5ft 8 and 47. Most people are really supportive and say I look fab, a couple say 'don't go too far' etc..... my BMI is still only 24, I've just been overweight (obese) all my life. I find other people's reactions to me curious but I'm doing this for me and my health so quite frankly I don't give a shit.

I am more worried that 5ft4 and size 8 is being a few pounds heavier than an ideal weight.

Okay, now you are just being ridiculous. And offensive. That's the sort of talk that spurs on anorexics.

we don't need to focus on exactly what is, or isn't the 'ideal' weight - we have different ideas of what that is, some of us are blessed (or cursed depending on your personal perspective) cursed with huge boobs and others with flat chests regardless of whether we are slim or large, so you are never completely comparing like with like. We are not all built on the same frame with the same metabolism.

What matters is that the OP's friend shouldn't have to put up with sniping and jealousy and being undermined, dressed up as faux concern by her supposed friends, for working to make herself slimmer, fitter, healthier and happier, all the while she stays within a range that doesn't cause any genuine alarm.

It sort of throws a light on everyone else in the family/friendship group and any unhealthy habits they might have.

Yes I think this is what's going on here. As long as everyone around you is a similar weight and has similar eating habits, you can kid yourself it's ok. So now one person has slimmed down and changed habits, you're trying to convince yourself she's unhealthy, not you.

I have lost weight in the past and had all that shit about my face looking gaunt and 'be careful not to go too far.' It was a load of bollocks. I was still technically just at the outer range of what was considered healthy and could easily have done with losing another stone or even more. I wasn't remotely thin or gaunt. I just didn't have the chubby cheeks and double chin everyone saw as 'me.'

People just couldn't deal with the fact that I looked not how they expected me to always look. I thought I looked masses better and I'd love to look like that again.

Everyone else's preconception of how my face should look Is their problem, not mine.

MagicChicken

I agree I think concerning yourself about "ideal weight" in healthy individuals is somewhat ridiculous anyway unless you're an elite athlete. There is a range of healthy and where you lie within that is going to make minimal difference. Why obsess over a single aspect of your health which is likely to have only a very minimal impact on your overall well being and longevity?

I would add that you can have an unhealthy attitude to food and still be a healthy weight though. On the other hand some people only remain healthy by being fairly rigid (e.g. only 1500 calories a day except on special occasions) and if that works for them and doesn't take over their lives there isn't a problem.

There's no way we could tell via the internet whether OP's friend does or doesn't have a problem. In any case it's important to come from a supportive, rather than judgemental, place.

I think she sounds really healthy

If she seems obsessed with it, if that's the point of this post, it's probably because she's on some kind of high from feeling good about herself and feeling well.

If she'd eaten nothing at the restaurant there would be cause for concern. A salad and fruit for dessert sounds great.

Are you sure that you're not threatened because she's not 'the fat friend' anymore? It is a very common phenomenon. I've lost a stone on my diet. A female relative brought pastries to my house yesterday morning, she'd never done that before. I think she's freaked out because I'm a couple of sizes bigger than her and she doesn't want me to be slimmer...

I am more worried that 5ft4 and size 8 is being a few pounds heavier than an ideal weight.

"Size 8" is too variable from shop to shop, I think that's the issue. I'm 5ft 5 and was wearing Next size 8 jumpers at 42 weeks pregnant, and they weren't even tight (and they weren't maternity).

Whereas other shops like Karen Millen I can just about get the zip up on a size 8 when I'm not pregnant (and weigh 8 stone).

Yes humber. My clothes range from a roomy 6 (Asda and Tesco) to tight 10s and okish 12s (Karen Millen and Phase Eight).

I think she's freaked out because I'm a couple of sizes bigger than her and she doesn't want me to be slimmer...

This is very common although no-one will admit it. Women are strange - they feel very threatened and disconcerted by their fat friends actually managing to get thinner for some bizarre reason, as though it makes the slightest bit of difference to them.

A friend of mine actually said to me the other week 'of course Sam and Gill and Debbie (friends of hers I don't know personally) are all really slim, much slimmer than me, which is why I prefer it when Geraldine is there because then I'm not the fattest.'

all said to me, who is fatter than all of them, with a perfectly straight face.

If she's a size 10 then that is a sign she is a healthy weight. I'm 5 ft 7, a size 10 and in a normal healthy weight range. It's great that she's choosing healthier options to eat - nothing wrong with a salad, fruit and tea at all. It's much better for you than a pizza. You don't know what she eats all the time - she may have had a lot more calories the day before and wanted to compensate.

Live and let live.

I think for some people, when you make healthy changes, whether that means losing a little weight, cutting back on alcohol, exercising more, they see it as a declaration of war.

I agree with this so much. Some "friends" at work once said I looked pregnant because i had a big tummy. I lost 2.5 stone and became a healthy size 10. At which point they called me "gaunt". You can't bloody win with some people. Luckily I did it for myself anyway but you have to wonder what some people's motivations are in making constant criticisms over people's weight and eating habits.

I don't think that you need to worry - but I do understand. A whole ago, I wouldn't have turned down pizza either. I was a size 20 and I wasn't happy about that. I'm now a size 8. Some people think I look too thin but there is absolutely no issue at all with my eating: absolutely none.

I think my friends are just used to seeing me bigger. I won't say 'curvy' as I'm simply not curry. I have an athletic build. I was just overweight.

I also have to limit my pizza options. That was how I got to be a size 20 and I don't want to go back there.

Is there anything to suggest that your friend is unhappy? If not, then all sounds good to me.

S xxx

Sounds healthy. When I did slimming world I cooked from scratch. Eating home cooked food on a regular basis just makes you realise how awful processed food can be. I don't blame her for only eating home cooked, as processed made me feel bloated when I was eating healthy. (I have slipped back now tho!)

For gods sake, why does everything have to be a reverse or jealousy or a stealth boast? Perhaps she's just genuinely concerned about her friend? OP YANBU. A size 10 generally isn't unhealthy and your friend's diet doesn't seem too restrictive. Having said that, eating healthily doesn't mean never enjoying a treat. Turning down pizza on one occasion isn't necessarily a concern but in some people it can turn into obsessive/disordered eating so perhaps something just to keep an eye on.

I'm going for lunch today with a friend. I over indulged last night on a take away with MIL so I'll make the healthiest choice possible at lunch today so it's not a write off of a weekend diet wise.
I can still have fun with my friend (which is the point of meeting with her) without stuffing my face.

At 5'5 being a size 10 just puts you at a 'normal' weight. Not thin, not fat. I'm 5'6 with a pretty big frame (broad shoulders and hips) and at a size 10 I look good in clothing but still have a bit of a tummy, saddle bags etc. Healthy, but not especially slim and very far from underweight.

It sounds like she lost weight slowly and sensibly and is eating healthily.

Something I wish people would accept is that not everyone actually wants to indulge in pizza and cake and soda and so on. I didn't eat those things for a long period while losing weight, and in the process I realized I actually don't particularly like a lot of the high carb, high sugar foods I used to eat a lot of. When I was eating them a lot I started relying on the short little energy boost they gave me, but once I got that out of my system I became a lot pickier. These days there's only a small handful of 'treats' I truly enjoy, so when I turn down donuts or crisps or whatever I'm not denying myself, I just don't really want them. I feel like the whole 'everything in moderation' thing has made people think there's something terribly wrong with not having some junk food regularly. If you want it fine, but there's nothing disordered about preferring salad over pizza or water over Coke.

She's lost a lot of weight and opted to eat salad for her midday meal.

I can't even see how that's conversation-worthy, let alone anything to be 'concerned' about.

If she'd gained a lot of weight and opted to eat pizza for lunch, would you be just as 'concerned', OP?

I'm 5'1, a size 10, BMI around 21 and can look anything from curvy to scrawny depending on what I'm wearing. I don't think knowing this woman is a size 10 tells us much about her shape or health either way.

I do think the OP is getting a rough ride. It may be that the friend she describes is surrounded by 'friends' wanting to put her back in her (overweight) box. It may equally be that her eating is becoming excessively restricted. I think the tendency of most posters on this thread to jump to the first conclusion, accompanied by comments about how eating a pizza is 'gross', says something about a tendency I've been increasingly noticing on MN to demonise supposedly unhealthy eating and any kinds of 'bad' food, celebrate slimness and women who have the 'willpower' and 'discipline' to eat restrictively for the sake of their figure (often under the euphemism 'health', but it's clear what's really meant), and project their own anxieties around their weight onto a concern about the (undeniably existent, which makes this kind of behaviour quite easy to dress up as something else) obesity crisis. Just like the sabotaging of weight loss people are accusing the OP of, it amounts to women obsessing about and policing other women's weight and figure, and it's not good for any of us.

FWIW I've been anorexic.

Magic was that aimed at me or the person who originally said they felt overweight at a size 8.

I'm a similar size/height and mostly eat home cooked food (i'd die of boredom only eating salad and potatoes mind). I'm not underweight or too skinny.... In fact I could probably loose 7 or 8 pounds and still be fine. We have 'normalised' overweight bodies as we see it so much. I'd think this applies even more so in your case as you are used to seeing your friend a certain size....

I think the OP is being a bit unreasonable.

Sometimes when I meet up with people for food and drink I like a "level playing field", i.e. I want everyone to want to eat and drink as much as me so I don't feel like a fat greedy git/lush.

When someone is sitting there being a lot more measured and sensible about what they order it irrationally bugs me, probably because it makes me realise I should think about doing the same.

I wouldn't be surprised if the OP feels like this and is dressing it up in the guise of "concern".

I didn't say pizza was 'gross', just that after eating it I feel that way, i.e. sluggish, bloated, need a nap.