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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abuse? What would you have done?

177 replies

Cubtrouble · 11/02/2017 16:24

Went to museum yesterday.

In a line for film there with my child (5), there was a family a few people in front of us, mum, dad, boy and girl, boy was around 8/9, girl maybe 7 or 8.

Girl was attached to mother wrist with "lead" like a fabric strap, loop at either ends round her and mums wrist. Mother was an absolute animal, shouting loudly at this poor girl, stand still or I will smack you, get back next to me, stop this, stop moving, etc, in the line and again in the pre film briefing, "sit still, for Christ sake stop moving"
The girl complained the strap was tight and it was loosened roughly with the mother telling her off yet again. She was roughly yanked along when it was time to leave.

The behaviour was noticed by plenty of other people. It was loud and very aggressive.

I wanted to say something- staff noticed but no one did anything.

The dad was at least 6'4. He didn't utter a word. The mum was short and fat and angry.

I was obviously with my own child and on my own and I didn't think I could say anything without altercation and that would have been frightening for my own child. I was genuinely concerned it could have turned out badly for ME. So I kept quiet.

The kids for what it's worth looked clean and well cared for in nice clothes.

What would you have done???

Didn't see that again. Was obvious to staff who could have removed them from the show or told her to stop? But should they?

OP posts:
user1484226561 · 12/02/2017 15:50

The wrist strap is neither here not there. it is a perfectly acceptable way to control a bolty child. Holding hands all the time is sweaty, uncomfortable and leaves you with only one hand to use.

I've used wrist straps on this age, and older. It isn't a form of restraint, as children are perfectly capable of removing them. What is does do is give you that vital two second warning before they bolt, as they have to remove the strap first.

So ignore the wrist strap ( which you didn't like, but are maybe not aware of the value of) ignore the threat to smack ( as other pps have said, perfectly legal) and what have you got?

Angry, short tempered, clearly having a bad day....

Not nice, not fun for either parent or child, but not abusive, I don't think.

TalkingintheDark · 12/02/2017 16:00

And what do you think the police would do, Migraine? Imagine the conversation calling them:

Hello, we've witnessed a mother behaving atrociously to her child, we don't know anything about her and by the time you get here - if you even came out for this which you obviously wouldn't - they'll be long gone.

Really? What are they going to do? With our overstretched police force, our overstretched SS? Our shoddy care system?

No, of course what they've done couldn't be actually charged or prosecuted. But that doesn't change the fact it's almost certainly emotional abuse. And that that child is probably living with it day in day out. But that's the point so many people are determined to deny. Just like people used to deny it was rape if it was your husband or partner or date who raped you.

Migrainemate · 12/02/2017 16:05

The police may well have come out to this, especially if there was a throat or violence
To all those saying it's not illegal to smack, it very quickly becomes illegal if a mark is left so based on that they may have come out and most probably would have done a background check on the family
They may well have social services already involved for all anyone on here knows

TalkingintheDark · 12/02/2017 16:10

Just supposing the police were prepared to come out, how do you propose detaining this family till they got there? Who do you think should have been prepared to take on this aggressive woman and her 6'4" husband?

Do you think the police would be happy someone called 999 because a mother threatened to smack their child? The threat to smack is almost a red herring here. The damage that is being done is by the emotional violence and the threats, the mother never needs to actually hit the child at all to be nonetheless abusing her.

Migrainemate · 12/02/2017 16:15

Well if a big London theatre I would assume there would be security there?
The emotional side asking a child to take still is very difficult to decide if abuse or not - I hear lots of parents including myself saying stand still through a day and don't think any are abusive parents but depends on the tone
The threat of being hit would be the worry for me especially if a hand was held to the child but the OP hasn't specified in which way the hand was held to " show the child "
Ive seen a dad dragging a child out of tesco before and security stopping him

Oblomov17 · 12/02/2017 17:21

TalkingInTheDark:
"But that doesn't change the fact it's almost certainly emotional abuse."

I don't agree. I don't think the circumstances the OP has described, meets the criteria for 'emotional abuse'.

Carollocking · 12/02/2017 17:42

Totally agree with you, oblomov,

Migrainemate · 12/02/2017 17:46

Also you say she was " roughly yanked along when time to leave " in your first post but then they left before you in another so that's a little confusing

Original poster
Cubtrouble · 12/02/2017 20:23

We went from the queue into the pre show- she was yanked along from here into main show room.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cubtrouble · 12/02/2017 20:28

Joystir59, please read the full thread, the fat thing has gotten boring like 3 pages ago. If you had bothered you'd have read I am fat, refer to myself as fat, and have no problem admitting I'm fat, calling myself fat or anything else regarding being fat.

Read the full thread or at least come up with something better as a come back. Seriously

OP posts:
Bahh · 12/02/2017 20:32

Bad parenting yep. Abuse nope. YABU.

Migrainemate · 12/02/2017 20:42

Maybe I'm not going to posh enough venues but I've never heard of a " pre showing " at the cinema where you go into different rooms before seeing the film

Original poster
Cubtrouble · 12/02/2017 20:46

It was a museum!!!!! 2 minute pre show documentary style thing, followed by a film in the main film room- it was a 3D film.

What has that got to do with being posh! Gah!

OP posts:
Carollocking · 12/02/2017 20:50

Can't get ny further from your original question hey lol

Migrainemate · 12/02/2017 20:58

I've just never heard of a museum showing films with pre shows
It was a tongue in cheek comment
Was this in London? As I said earlier, if it was in a city im assuming they has security.

Original poster
Cubtrouble · 12/02/2017 21:11

Science museum. Google it

OP posts:
Carollocking · 12/02/2017 21:15

Great there isn't it,and huge ,I've been with the girls 3 times

Original poster
Cubtrouble · 12/02/2017 21:16

Fantastic yes! We had a lot of fun there!

OP posts:
Carollocking · 12/02/2017 21:33

Natural history museum brilliant too,go at night is lots of fun too and they do like crime solving nights there also great

Migrainemate · 12/02/2017 21:49

Apologies we are in the middle of nowhere that's why I thought it was odd as cinema tiny here

Carollocking · 12/02/2017 22:16

I live on a farm also middle nowhere which is wonderful but we love doing short trips away to cities and fun places,especially as it's not easy with a farm to go away for a full holiday

TalkingintheDark · 12/02/2017 23:18

I knew it was the science museum from your description! Was it the moon landing one? We saw that one last year Smile

Migrainemate · 12/02/2017 23:23

Is there much to do at this place? Also it's not near the water museum at all is it?

Carollocking · 12/02/2017 23:52

Water museum is Brentford I think

Rixera · 13/02/2017 01:56

Prosecuting, action and care is not as helpful as simply acknowledging that it's not okay, I think.
I've had an easier time with my childhood than some relatives because when I was little, I noticed my dad's hypocrisy during one 'lesson', and then thought to myself 'oh. Then if he is wrong about this, maybe he is wrong about a lot of things?'
So I wasn't as hurt emotionally as I could be, because I knew it wasn't entirely my fault.

If children are aware that what is happening to them is not okay, even if we can't help them by solving the situation they won't internalise things as much and will have an easier time getting away and seeking support once they have done so.

When you're being beaten, it hurts less when you can be quietly indignant about it rather than regretting your perceived indiscretions.