To feel uncomfortable with my new neighbour

[Sikkinis]

I'm aware that mumsnet is awash with neighbourly disputes so apologies in advance

I work from home mostly, and due to space constraints I have to work in my bedroom. The house opposite is raised slightly so their windows on the front look directly into my bedroom. This wouldn't be so bad, because the last 8 years the man who lived across the road was never visible at his windows, apart from getting on with his life (washing up)

However an older couple have now bought the house, and every day without fail I'm catching the husband looking into my bedroom window. At first I ignored it, just a downside of being overlooked, but I've started noticing him doing it with all the lights off, and sometimes he jumps when he sees me noticing him. He also only does it when his wife is out.

I've moved my desk so I now face the wall but I don't want to have to keep the curtains shut all day. AIBU to feel uncomfortable with this? Is there anything I can do?

When did MN stop trying to help a woman being made to feel uncomfortable in her own home by a man, and start trying to score points by ignoring her feelings in favour of accusing her of being ageist?

I don't know exactly when - I don't think there was a special bulletin put out - but when people casually make racist, sexist, homophobic or ageist remarks then it is right that they are challenged!

We would not just sit back and allow the OP to state that she was more uncomfortable because the neighbour was a black man without challenging it, surely?

Allowing racism, agism or sexism to go unchallenged does nothing to stamp it out. The OP's concerns are genuine, we should feel empathy with her and suggest solutions, but we should not quietly accept casual discrimination.

limitedperiodonly - why did your dh say that?

Believe me NewPuppyMum that in the intervening years I've often lain awake at night wondering the same thing.

Was my husband-to-be in cahoots with the older man opposite? Did he use his position as a 27-year-old to lure my unsuspecting 24-year-old self into walking naked in front of the window with the express reason of allowing the older man to perve?

Because someone of the decrepitude of at least 50 years old couldn't possibly persuade someone to get naked right in front of him, within touching distance. Right?

Or was it that my boyfriend couldn't be arsed to put up nets until I screamed: THAT MAN WAS LOOKING AT MY TITS! and he said: 'I'll stop by Ikea on the way back from work. In the meantime, do you want me to cover the window with a few pages from the News of the World?'

It's also a thing for man in 20s to perv on 20 year old girl

But at least that's age appropriate. The very fact of the age difference ramps up the inappropriateness of his gawping and lends it the (slightly more) pervy aspect

Age appropriate perving- whatever next.

limitedperiodonly - I guess your dh was just naive rather than in cahoots since you married him. I hope it didn't stress you too much.

Now I've reread your post three times and I'm wondering if you're winding me up I banged my head badly this week and I'm still not myself.

When I was in my 20s I was perfectly okay with strange men my own age looking at me in a dodgy way. But anyone over 40? Eww!

dodgy perving is dodgy perving, regardless of age, surely?

I was being sarcastic SignOnTheWindow. It was an acceptable form of communication when I was in my 20s but maybe it's fallen out of favour. Now I'm in my 50s I frequently walk into a room and think: 'Why the fuck am I here?'. I might even stare out of the window.

Actually, I don't think it. I say it out loud. Luckily, there's usually no one around to hear.

Lasswi - you KNOW what I mean by that comment but are choosing to interpret it in a negative way that is ageist rather than factual.

Eg.

34 yr old man gawping into the window of a 17 year old - more pervy due to the age difference. That's just fact.

So I'm sorry, and speaking as a bone fide old fogey, the age DIFFERENCE does make a difference! It's absolutely ludicrous to try and say that it doesn't when he's old enough to be her dad!

I would imagine he jumps because you are looking at him! You are allowed to walk around in your bedroom with the lights off and look out of the window. What's he supposed to do shuffle around sideways like a crab with his back yo your house.

Put up a blind that lets light through it or some window film. Or preferably move to a house which is not over-looked.

That opaque window film stuff? Annoying for you op, but not sure you can take any other action as its hard to prove he might be perving.

I knew I'd come back to this thread and see bleating about ageism.

Saying someone is "older" isn't ageist, it's fact.

Saying someone is an "old fucking perv" would be ageist.

Age appropriate perving. Heard it all now.

How is he a perv.

??

34 yr old man gawping into the window of a 17 year old - more pervy due to the age difference. That's just fact.

No it is not a fact. It is your opinion. The neighbour's age is completely irrelevant.

" I am in my 50's and the woman in the house opposite is always sitting at her window staring at us. Whenever I go to do the washing up or chop veg for dinner she is staring in at us. She sits there for hours at a time. AIBU to wish she would stop!

= Just do what everyone says and get some blinds/film/net curtains!!

I stopped walking into my basement kitchen naked to get a glass of water in the middle of the night the day after I was invited round to my neighbours' for a Christmas drink and realised they had an uninterrupted view from the first floor.

I told my husband but he said he didn't care.

Saying someone is "older" isn't ageist, it's fact

Saying someone is an "old fucking perv" would be ageist

Yup.

Back in the real world, context is constantly given in conversation. Why is being described 'older' agist?

I am older than some people. Some people are older than me.

If someone threw a label at me as described above with 'old' in it, that would be agist. To call me older than someone who's in their early 20's is not agist.

Op, I totally understand why it's creeping you out - he's old enough to be your dad & it is horrible. He's not old enough to be my dad (I'm 40) but I'd find that pervy & creepy & totally out of order.

I second putting the sign up & id also very obviously take his photo whilst he's standing there.

If he continued after that, then I'd get blinds - you can close them everytime you see him at the window & he'll soon get the message.

Good luck.

Back in the real world, context is constantly given in conversation. Why is being described 'older' agist?

Because the neighbour's age is completely irrelevant to what happened.

Seriously concerned by people on here focusing solely on an 'ageist' comment.

Pretty sure some of you just scroll through posts searching for anything that could offend you to give you a reason to argue something you clearly have a chip on your shoulder about.

If you have nothing constructive to say maybe you shouldn't say anything at all.... particularly when op tries to explain that no offence was intended and her reasons for using certain wording.

Having someone watch you through your window would be creepy. It's not ok. OP has had some useful suggestions to take control of the situation from helpful people - I hope you get it sorted OP!

One of the elements of perving IS age. You may not like it but it's a fact.

It's not the age per se, it's the age difference.

An older man or woman perving on a younger man or woman is less acceptable not least because those of you trying to say it's 'the same' even if the man perving is 20, are wrong. It's NOT the same. You could put that down to youth, high hormones and lack of experience of what's appropriate. But a 50 year old for example perving on a 20 year old IS different and is less acceptable because he should bloody well know better.

But a 50 year old for example perving on a 20 year old IS different and is less acceptable because he should bloody well know better

What a ridiculous comment. Unwanted sexual attention is unacceptable no matter the age.

Because the neighbour's age is completely irrelevant to what happened

That doesn't appear to be that case though, does it? It is relevant to the OP.

Try waving at him. He might stop if he knows that you've noticed.

I would get voile or a blind though.

YANBU,I was the 20 when I had a landlord that acted like a pervert around me,always looking at me when his wife and Daughters weren't around,I left after he let himself in whilst I was sitting on my bed just wrapped in a towel(I'd just got out of the bath)they only lived next door to us,he had no need to come round.

I agree with you,it does seem off,you shouldn't have to but I'd either put a sign up or I'd cover the windows.
Feeling like your being watched constantly isn't nice.

I think the older comment is somewhat relevant because in our culture there is still a feeling on the part of a number of men that they are more entitled to younger women than women are entitled to younger men. So the older pervy man isn't simply a "urgh old!" comment, it comes from a place of men feeling entitled to youth focusing on younger women in a way that can be overwhelming and predatory in additional ways than the younger man. It can also feel like a power imbalance.

It isn't that a younger man perving would be fine, but that an older man perving is creepy in his attitude of entitlement towards women and towards youth.