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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable with my new neighbour

138 replies

Sikkinis · 11/02/2017 15:56

I'm aware that mumsnet is awash with neighbourly disputes so apologies in advance

I work from home mostly, and due to space constraints I have to work in my bedroom. The house opposite is raised slightly so their windows on the front look directly into my bedroom. This wouldn't be so bad, because the last 8 years the man who lived across the road was never visible at his windows, apart from getting on with his life (washing up)

However an older couple have now bought the house, and every day without fail I'm catching the husband looking into my bedroom window. At first I ignored it, just a downside of being overlooked, but I've started noticing him doing it with all the lights off, and sometimes he jumps when he sees me noticing him. He also only does it when his wife is out.

I've moved my desk so I now face the wall but I don't want to have to keep the curtains shut all day. AIBU to feel uncomfortable with this? Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
Pandora77 · 11/02/2017 17:18

Why don't you ask one of your parents to pop round and ask him to stop staring because it is making you feel uncomfortable and then put some blinds up.

PrimalLass · 11/02/2017 17:21

I have plain voile curtains in my study with a blackout roller behind for when it is used as a bedroom.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 11/02/2017 17:23

What do you have as window dressing OP? just out of interest.

For me it doesn't matter whether it's a man or a woman, young or older, the point is that you're regularly feeling uncomfortable in your own space, which you shouldn't be made to feel.

Just a thought. In as much as you've noticed he's not really retirement age and is home all day and only does this when his wife's out, perhaps he's staring across wondering what you're doing home all day and why you spend so much time in your room? Maybe it's less of a pervy thing and more of an idle curiosity or fascination because he hasn't fathomed out the situation?

Personally I think I'd totally ignore him, however, this Hide under the sill and jump up really made me laugh and could make your point quite effectively.

TheCatsMother99 · 11/02/2017 17:24

I cant believe how much some people are focusing on the age thing.

OP is in her 20s so the other couple ARE older. I can also see why the big age difference may have an affect, when I was in my 20s I looked upon older people as being responsible/safe/in a position of care etc, which I know isn't always the case and so it was a somewhat naive view but it's reasonable to see how the op could feel that someone old enough to be her father shouldn't be starting at her in her bedroom. And so the age IS relevant to her.

Anyway OP, I feel for you and hope that whatever you decide to do it works.

AYankinSpanx · 11/02/2017 17:24

I've started noticing him doing it with all the lights off, and sometimes he jumps when he sees me noticing him. He also only does it when his wife is out

If a woman told me this in rl, obviously because it was making her feel uncomfortable or unsettling in some way, I hope that I'll have the good sense to simply tell her to ignore her instincts, put up a nice net curtain and repeatedly attack her for clunkily referring to anyone as being 'older.'

Boulshired · 11/02/2017 17:30

I had a desk in the window of a previous house but used a voile you only know he is staring as you are staring, he maybe as equally freaked out.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 11/02/2017 17:32

I'm getting worried what the neighbours must think of me now! Our living room is overlooked the bedrooms of houses across the road. I often stand staring out, looking down the garden and I've been known to have my camera out, taking pictures of the garden. They probably think I'm a a stalker!

JustAnotherPoster00 · 11/02/2017 17:38

OP, had a better idea, invite a friend over when you know hes watching and then pretend to murder them, when the police arrive explain to them about your pervy neighbour Grin

PidgeyfinderGeneral · 11/02/2017 17:42

I know that MN is generally more aware of ageism, but it's not helpful to try and derail every thread where someone so much as mentions a person being older/elderly etc. It's pretty clear the OP wasn't being rude about the neighbour because of his age.

thesnailandthewhale · 11/02/2017 17:45

My Dad had Parkinsons and Lewy Body Dementia. In the early stages of the dementia he was anxious at leaving the house and if Mum went out (doing daily errands) he would stand at the front window and stare out the window until she returned. Luckily for them they lived at the end of a cul-de-sac so he wasn't watching anyone, just merely waiting for her to return, almost like a dog. I couldn't help but think of that when readng your op :(

NeepNeepNeep · 11/02/2017 17:49

I wouldn't talk to him about it. He would just deny it if he is being pervy. If he isn't being pervy and it's all an unfortunate coincidence, talking to them would make things awkward. I would put up voile first and then see what happened. Or hide and jump up.

Shockers · 11/02/2017 17:52

Take a large sheet of paper and draw a speech bubble. Cut it out and write 'HELLO NEIGHBOUR!' in clear capitals. Stick it to your window with the message facing outward.

NeepNeepNeep · 11/02/2017 17:55

Sorry about your dad SnailFlowers

alabasterangel · 11/02/2017 18:00

My old house was very overlooked. As mentioned before, say hello!! Say you felt like you should introduce yourself. Then every time you see him looking, give him a quick animated wave and carry on your work/day. I'd bet after that he'll just wave back and move on....making contact is just removing the mystery of who you are and who he is, and he probably would feel far more concious of staring at you after that.

If you do go down the blinds route, you can get some very plain, opaque ones which still let in light. We had them and they were brilliant.

BlancheBlue · 11/02/2017 18:04

"I also think it does matter if he is looking in a dodgy way, that he is at least 25 years my senior"

So you wouldn't have a problem with a bloke in his 20s doing this then? Is this some sort of wind up or reverse bullshit?

Original poster
Sikkinis · 11/02/2017 18:09

BlancheBlue and others;

Don't really know why it makes me feel more uncomfortable that someone the age of my father might be perving on me, it just does.

"OP is in her 20s so the other couple ARE older. I can also see why the big age difference may have an affect, when I was in my 20s I looked upon older people as being responsible/safe/in a position of care etc, which I know isn't always the case and so it was a somewhat naive view but it's reasonable to see how the op could feel that someone old enough to be her father shouldn't be starting at her in her bedroom. And so the age IS relevant to her." this PP kind of sums it up

OP posts:
JustAnotherPoster00 · 11/02/2017 18:10

So you wouldn't have a problem with a bloke in his 20s doing this then? Is this some sort of wind up or reverse bullshit?

Watch out the thread police turned up Hmm

Derlei · 11/02/2017 18:14

Oh my god some of you are actually nuts.

If somebody is early 20s they obviously don't look like a middle aged woman, they very likely look very young, possibly even like a teenager (unless you're a member of Geordie Shore), so yes it fucking is inappropriate if a 50 something man is stood at his window staring at you!! For all he knows, she could be 17, I know plenty of early 20s women who look like they should still be in school or college!!!

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 11/02/2017 18:21

Stop picking holes. Stop accusing the OP of being ageist

If she stops being ageist us old fogeys can stop picking on her.

SignOnTheWindow · 11/02/2017 18:23

When I was in my 20s I was perfectly okay with strange men my own age looking at me in a dodgy way. But anyone over 40? Eww!

Hmm dodgy perving is dodgy perving, regardless of age, surely?

BoomBoomsCousin · 11/02/2017 18:32

I don't think YABU at all. I would find that disconcerting and while I appreciate there may be other explanations, with the details you give I would definitely think sad perv is by far the most likely.

I would be inclined to give a hard and unfriendly stare right back whenever I saw him, making it clear you I wasn't some pleasing bit of decoration for him to mull over. If he kept it up then a sign in the window and/or speak directly to him, especially if his wife was also there, maybe using some of the suggestions up thread for asking him why he was staring. But I'm not uncomfortable with confrontation.

The reflective film sounds like it might be a non-confrontational way to give you some peace of mind. Blinds are annoying if you're in there in the day, because you'll obviously want the day light. I think net curtains are often quite ineffective across short distances, but they might work too.

PidgeyfinderGeneral · 11/02/2017 18:38

Sikkinis is asking for help with a potential issue of a male neighbour making her feel uncomfortable by staring into her window.

When did MN stop trying to help a woman being made to feel uncomfortable in her own home by a man, and start trying to score points by ignoring her feelings in favour of accusing her of being ageist?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 11/02/2017 18:45

When did MN stop trying to help a woman being made to feel uncomfortable in her own home by a man, and start trying to score points by ignoring her feelings in favour of accusing her of being ageist?

She has been given plenty of good advice on both her problems- namely the potential peeping Tom and her ageist attitudes.

Pollyanna9 · 11/02/2017 18:53

Ageist, Christ. I'm 50 and I take NO offence at her comments.

If my DD was living in a flat and told me a likely 50-60 year old man was gawping into her window, I'd be livid. Not primarily because he was 50, but let's be honest and realistic, older fella perving on younger girl is a very common type of dynamic/scenario. It's a thing.

It's also a thing for man in 20s to perv on 20 year old girl.

But at least that's age appropriate. The very fact of the age difference ramps up the inappropriateness of his gawping and lends it the (slightly more) pervy aspect.

Watch out for the silver one-way mirror-like window blocking sheets. I've got them on my bedroom window and when driving up one night having left the lights on, you could still see in.

I vote deal with the underlying problem because it needs dealing with.