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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to take the baby so I can sleep!

151 replies

Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 12:20

Baby DS is 13 months .

In all that time he has never slept through the night . He wakes hourly .

I am exhausted.

I am back to work soon and so need to get some sleep.

DH has never helped with DS waking in the night and at the moment sleeps in a separate room to us so he is not disturbed .

I am terrified that I am not going to cope when I go back to work .

I have asked OH to take the baby for just one night so I can get a proper nights sleep and he has said NO!

I'm on my last legs .

AIBU?

OP posts:
RubyWinterstorm · 12/02/2017 08:32

Swap the OH for a (part time) nanny/au pair?

Imagine the bliss!

RubyWinterstorm · 12/02/2017 08:34

Does baby sleep in your room?

I'd get the baby to sleep in his own room (my kids woke me hourly when in the same room, they KNOW you are there, you can't do cc or sleep training when in the same room !)

Get the baby into the room OH sleeps in, and OH can sleep on the sofa or whatever.

Starlyte · 12/02/2017 08:36

Some males forget that kids are not made by women, all on their own.
Very doubtful he'll change...

paddypants13 · 12/02/2017 08:38

On a serious note what Ruby said above is a good idea.

Hope you finally got some sleep last night op.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/02/2017 08:44

You are married to a very selfish man.

Ps) I used to have an horrendous sleeper and when he was 10 months old I contacted a Sleep Specialist because I just couldn't cope anymore. Between stopping night time breast feeds and some CC he was sleeping through from 8pm-6pm within 4 nights. If you want anymore details about this then feel feee to PM me.

user1483972886 · 12/02/2017 08:46

2 things to sort out here:

  1. The non sleeping baby.
Feed him loads before bedtime so you know he is not hungry . Put him down in his own room..if he cries get up pat him and go back to sleep in your own bed. Don't snap the light on, don't talk to him or just shush him, don't pick him up. Make the night intervention as boring as possible. It will be painful but will take 3 to 7 nights to get him.out of bad habit. You need to do this. Friends of ours are still up every night and sleeping with their 6 year old!
  1. DH is spoilt. You Have Done Too Much And He Has Done Too little. You need to set the ground rules for the future. Start with he can do the nights on weekends. He needs to consistently follow the same rules.. no talking no picking up etc. He may have more success than u ou as he can't BF so his participation should accelerate things!
Hope this helps The key is consistency - both with baby and husband....
Penhacked · 12/02/2017 11:25

Yeah. This is pretty normal right with breastfed babies? I.e. you have boobs so have to do most wake ups, man doesn't hear a thing because boobs and general booby smell solves everything. You aren't asleep, just a kind of half awake, half zombie state while feeding. You're not rested but they think you breastfeed asleep. I asked dh to let me tweak his nipple constantly for half an hour and see if he could even tolerate it never mind sleep. He declined, oddly. Just grow a pair and calmly (or not calmly, fuck it, you're sleep deprived) tell him he is doing it. Be prepared, obvs the baby will be crying a lot more for him because boobs. But honestly, fuck it, you need sleep!! Just one night would make a difference. He will live!!! He can be pissed off with you in the morning when you are all showered and well rested!!

Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 12/02/2017 12:26

@penhacked that's it's exactly - I have boobs therefore he is excused of all responsibilities Confused

Had an awful night with DS - was trying the rocking back to sleep instead of feeding to sleep as I do and he was having none of it - finally went off at 5 this morning . Kept waking the toddler up too but at least they both slept for a couple of hours after that and we didn't properly get up till 11.30 so I'm not feeling too great this morning but oh well.

Am going to properly start sleep training tonight and look into all the options properly .

With regards to OH I think it might be that he can't handle this new job. I think we're going to seriously think about him going back to what he was doing before .

I'd rather have a little less money and be happy than have extra and be miserable.

OP posts:
tinatsarina · 12/02/2017 13:05

Even if he was to change jobs would he start helping? I just cant believe you weren't even able to have 10 minutes to yourself!!

Msqueen33 · 12/02/2017 13:10

I feel somehow that once children come along a lot of men don't make the adjustment. The women ends up worrying about themselves, their husband and kids and the man often just worries about himself. Regardless of work he needs to be more supportive. My dh isn't great to be honest because I think he sees I'm a coper when really I'm good at hiding it. We've got two Sen kids and I've said to him about taking a step back as I need help. I think a real frank and honest discussion is in order even if he only gets that you need to carve out some time to actually sleep.

Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 12/02/2017 22:08

I think if he was to change jobs he would be a lot less stressed and not as tired - his "new" job includes lots of extra overtime that is mandatory and longer days .

The only thing that changed in between the two younger ones was his job .

He was so helpful and hands on with the first when he had the less stressful job and now he's no help because he seems to be just as knackered as I am!

Add to this today they have told him he has to change sites which is going to add another 45 minutes a day to his commute.

I think we need to think seriously about him going back to where he was before .

Baby is asleep in cot - settled by dad. Let's see how we get on tonight! He's said he's going to help with the sleep training by getting up with him and settling him. If he doesn't get "rewarded" by a breast feed I'm hoping he will stay asleep!

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 13/02/2017 06:32

How did it go? Did H manage the settling overnight? I hope you've had some rest.

BathshebaDarkstone · 13/02/2017 06:42

YANBU. Next time DS wakes up, elbow him and tell him it's his turn. Express some milk and keep it in the fridge.

Wallywobbles · 13/02/2017 06:50

Ducking let me at him. I'm so angry in your behalf. I did this for 14 months and it nearly killed me. Divorce was fing fabulous. Every other weekend off. 2 full nights sleep every other weekend.

paddypants13 · 13/02/2017 09:52

Baby- It sounds like you've hit the nail on the head there. If you can afford the drop in his wage go for it. It might just save your relationship.

Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 13/02/2017 11:24

Well DS slept all the way through till 2 am then Again till 5!

Oh settled him back to sleep at 2 . He has never slept that long before ! I'm feeling so much better for it.

We're going to have a big talk about him going back to his old job .

I think it's what he needs to do.

OP posts:
EineKleine · 13/02/2017 11:26

Yay for the somewhat positive update! Well done OP and your OH.

YouWillNotSeeMe · 13/02/2017 11:37

Please don't think that once sleep trained your problems are solved. The way your DP left you suffer for so long is really telling, sleep training or not.

Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 13/02/2017 12:03

Oh I know that @youwillnotseeme . That's why we are talking about all the issues and trying to find a solution.

At least he is helping

OP posts:
YouWillNotSeeMe · 13/02/2017 13:23

Sorry if that sounded grumpy, hopefully the stress of work and changing it will make a big difference and get you all back to how it was. But him leaving you for a year with no sleep for even a night is a long time to suffer and for him to knowingly watch you suffer. He has to take some responsibility for that as well.

Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 15/02/2017 23:56

It didn't sound grumpy @youwillnotseeme don't worry - I get where your coming from. I think he just didn't see it as I probably came across like I was doing ok.

I think it has taken me finally blowing up at him for him to really see how extremely exhausted I am . And now he is trying to help . DS is still not sleeping well but we are trying with OH settling him and it does seem to be getting a little better .

Also OH got up with the boys on his day off and I had a lie in!! Till 1.30 in the afternoon! It was amazing and soooo needed. I only got up because I was hungry and OH even said I should go back to bed but I was ready to start my day by then anyway!

It looks like things might get better from here on out !

OP posts:
BabychamSocialist · 16/02/2017 00:44

Your DH is being a tool. He needs to pull his finger out and do some bloody parenting.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 16/02/2017 03:14

I'm so glad things are improving for you OP. Sounds like you'll need to be very vocal going forward about how you're feeling.

All the best for the future. Flowers

paddypants13 · 16/02/2017 10:25

Glad things are getting better op. Sounds like your dp had got himself in a rut and needed a shock to get him out of it.

kittymamma · 16/02/2017 23:24

Really happy to see your update OP. It is frustrating when we have to lose it with them to get them to understand why we are upset. Your OH seems like he is trying now at least. I hope you are feeling happier and you're seeing things clearly.