Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To want DH to take the baby so I can sleep!

151 replies

Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 12:20

Baby DS is 13 months .

In all that time he has never slept through the night . He wakes hourly .

I am exhausted.

I am back to work soon and so need to get some sleep.

DH has never helped with DS waking in the night and at the moment sleeps in a separate room to us so he is not disturbed .

I am terrified that I am not going to cope when I go back to work .

I have asked OH to take the baby for just one night so I can get a proper nights sleep and he has said NO!

I'm on my last legs .

AIBU?

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 11/02/2017 18:47

Could you go to bed straight away when your dh gets in from work, say 6 o clock. Sleep until midnight while dh is on duty. Then he still gets a full night sleep. Do this for a week before you collapse.
Does your dh know other fathers manage to work and do night care? Brat!

Mammylamb · 11/02/2017 18:47

Get yourself checked into a hotel for the night. Your husband is a grade A cunt. You know that already. Also, a sleep consultant would be a great idea. A few of my friends have used one and it's helped a lot

Original poster

Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 19:20

See he wasn't like this with our elder DS . He was totally different and really hands on. Helped through the night of it was only getting him out of his cot to pass to me to feed.

It's with younger that he's like this .

It's only been a few months we have been sleeping separately so that he would get a good night sleep for work as baby DS wakes hourly and so he was exhausted @finola1step.

No we are not married . Supposed to be OH in title as in other half . We are engaged but I don't actually want to get married due to the financial implications (as I am better off - this house is mine, come from a wealthy family etc he doesn't)
And because I have a step DD and an elder DD who is not his it benefits my self and my children more if we are not married .

@redsauce he wasn't like this with our first one .

I'm hoping when I actually go back to work it will get better and he will pull his weight.

I suppose I am feeling it a lot as DS is so demanding of me . It's draining!

Oh and he doesn't get up with them in the mornings but mostly because toddler DS sleeps in if left and I try and get as much time in bed as is possible with baby DS before toddler gets up for the day.

He does get DD ready (well she gets herself ready) and takes her to school in the mornings so I can do this though

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 11/02/2017 19:23

You're not married so leaving him could leave you in a difficult situation financially?

Finola1step · 11/02/2017 19:24

I think you're right not to get married, especially in light of your financial situation.

Original poster

Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 19:25

@oyster - I wouldn't leave him - he would have to leave as this is my house .

I am the higher earner too so no problems with financial situation

OP posts:

Shutupanddance1 · 11/02/2017 19:28

Book a room in a hotel for night, pack your bag and tell him you'll be back in the morning. Walk out.
He's seriously taking advantage - yesh - my hubby notices if my baby hasn't slept a few nights and will gladly let me lie in, sleep earlier etc and take baby.

If not I'd have kilt him by this stage!

Original poster

Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 19:30

Someone asked about my mum or a friend?

I am no contact with my mother ( parents divorced for many years )

My dad has offered but he works full time still and I don't think he'd realistically be able to handle two toddlers on his own . Maybe when they are both potty trained and don't need much care really but not now .

PIL are retired but are "too busy and tired" to help out . (Looking after SIL kids )

I couldn't put it on a friend . I have a few that have suggested they help out but I would feel so guilty.

OP posts:

user1484394242 · 11/02/2017 19:42

We used the Sensational Baby Sleep Plan. She does night visits but I assume they are expensive So we bought the ebook. We had been through 9 months of crying (reflux baby) and once we got the meds working so he wasnt in pain, we needed him to sleep. We didnt like the idea of letting him cry to sleep but we were right at the edge of losing our minds and both had damaged our backs holding him so much. It only took a few nights even though we didn't follow it 100%- we didn't let him cry too long so the reflux didn't get aggravated and we let him keep his blankie with him. He's 5 now and has been a brilliant sleeper since 9 months.

I hope you get sorted soon. It's torture, not getting any sleep

Original poster

Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 19:44

Will have a look at the ebook thanks user .

OP posts:

SomeonesRealName · 11/02/2017 19:47

Given the choice between a sleepless night and going to work, or a sleepless night and then caring for a baby and a small child all day, I'd take work every time - and I have a demanding job. Your OH is unbelievably selfish how can he watch you going under and not want to help out even a little bit??

ninjapants · 11/02/2017 19:51

My DH was like this, I was beyond exhausted by the time I went back to work. He had to help then but still tried to push the majority of the night time parenting duties onto me. It got to the point where I couldn't have continued to work (I have one of those jobs where it's dangerous to be over tired, not that the type of work should matter) We did controlled crying with DS and it sorted the night time wakings in under a week. If I were you I would do that, the Feb half term hols could be a good time to start. It's worth you all being tired for a few days to be able to sleep at night.

As for your DP, does he have depression do you think? That turned out to be what was wrong with mine as well as being a lazy, selfish git.
He doesn't need more sleep than you and could do the nights when he's not working the next day if that's his concern.

It is possible to find childminders that work weekends. They may not advertise but you can always ask. I work shifts on all days of the week, DH used to work occasional weekends, and we have dealt with and know several childminders who cover weekends. We don't need weekend childcare any more but our childminder does cover them.
Could you change to doing your nights during the week? Believe me when I say looking after a child on your own post nightshift is exhausting and no one I work with does this.

stella23 · 11/02/2017 19:58

My stbxp was/is like this, the resentment just builds and builds. The selfish fuckers are just that really self interested selfish.

Ask him to leave for a while, you might feel better and if you do then get a au pair at least you can sleep a bit.

He won't change they never do

stella23 · 11/02/2017 19:58

The au pair can have his room

gingertigercat · 11/02/2017 20:00

Any update OP? Has he agreed to do tonight?

Original poster

Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 20:03

He's not home yet.

Will let you know what he says when I speak to him .

OP posts:

Dragongirl10 · 11/02/2017 20:04

You poor thing you nust be seriously shattered and desperate...sleep deprivation is horrible.

Gina Ford Contented Baby book worked great for both mine, they were both sleeping 10.30 till 5.30 by 5 months old....

There is no Controlled Crying needed, although l only have experience of doing it from day one...

You do need to stick to the daily routine of naps and feeds but my dcs found it easy to slot into a routine and the sleep situation was a lifesaver as my DH was away a lot and not helpful when home....Mine were 14 months apart and l had 2 emergency c sections, so was not able to cope with bad nights alone.

It is not a harsh routine, but you do need consistancy and to prioritise your day around the routine.

I found that a very small price to pay for DCs who slept so well. Good luck op.

DixieNormas · 11/02/2017 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CottonSock · 11/02/2017 20:16

Op, I had to do some sleep training with both mine. This time it never seemed to wake my older daughter and there was noise. I guess (like some dads), they are just not programmed to wake up to it.

mytimewillcome · 11/02/2017 20:30

My ex was brilliant with our first but was terrible with our second. There is 22 months between them and I was waking up for both of them 5 times a night and going to work and being the home owner and higher earner. In the end it took a lot of people to show me that he didn't love me and that I was being taken advantage of. My children were 3 and 1 when I kicked him out; 3 years on my own and the resentment has gone and the three of us are very happy. You must do sleep training though. A 13 month old shouldn't be waking up hourly. Even 3 month old babies don't do that so it must be sorted. Once you've done that maybe you will be able to make some decisions without the fogginess from the lack of sleep.

ButtMuncher · 11/02/2017 20:37

Good god I salute you. 13 months. I'm barely alive after 5 months and that's with some sleep!

Your DP is being a tosser. If baby doesn't need night feeds, sheesh, even if baby did (expressed into bottle) there is absolutely NO REASON why you can't at the very least swap bedrooms for a night.

Or is your DP a bit like mine, sleeping through a tornado? Mine has always been upfront that nightfeeds would NOT be something he could do regularly if at all (1hr commute to work, higher management and an absolute fucker if has lack of sleep) so I went into pregnancy and birth knowing I'm responsible for anything overnight. But DP will stay up for my DS (inc early days when he'd need a feed around 11-midnight) and will, if pushed, get up early (well, after 6am) if I've had fuck all sleep. He's offered to have my DS all night if I wanted to stay at my Mum's or sleep in another room, but my own inability to let go of control means I'm stupidly being pigheaded and carrying on - DP is a ridiculously heavy sleeper and has often slept through crying fits at 2am

justpeachy74 · 11/02/2017 20:42

He does sound very selfish. I'm 2.5 years in of doing the 'night-shifts'. DC doesn't wake hourly but it's so exhausting. Sometimes she wakes 2-3 times a night between 10.30-5am. Sometimes less. I BF but she can get through the night without it. She never sleeps through and I haven't done sleep training. My DC sounds like yours. It's never just crying but screaming the place down if not attended to immediately!
In recent months I have spent the odd night on the sofa by choice just to not get woken in the night. It's not the best night's sleep though.
I just really can't comprehend how these men don't realise how exhausted we feel. It just doesn't seem to register. My DH is lovely but just doesn't ever really acknowledge how tired I get. I work full days but part-time and then have the toddler on my 'days off' which are usually more emotionally and physically exhausting than going to my paid job. I just know that if the boot was on the other foot i would be offering some sort of support. My DH was also more hands on with our first. The difference not know what changed except the BF.
Have a chat with your oh and be firm about him doing his share of nights especially when you go back to work.
Good luck!

Original poster

Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 22:11

Right so we had a chat and he told me to go to bed.

So I did (9 minutes ago) had a cup of tea took my cup down stairs and he's asleep on the bastard sofa with baby DS doing his own thing ( chewing on his iPhone !)

This is why I don't feel I can do it. I can't leave him to even watch him for 9 minutes!

I don't know what to do!

OP posts:

Original poster

Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 22:12

I woke him up and he said he was trying really hard he's just so tired .

Bastard

OP posts:

ollieplimsoles · 11/02/2017 22:15

Hope you're ok op,

It amazes me how many men take themselves away from their parenting duties at night because they 'have to work'. But they seem more than happy for the person who is deciding when his children can cross the road safely, keeping them out of cupboards with dangerous chemicals in them, making sure their bath is not too hot ect.. To be too tired to even function.

Madness

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7