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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to take the baby so I can sleep!

151 replies

Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 12:20

Baby DS is 13 months .

In all that time he has never slept through the night . He wakes hourly .

I am exhausted.

I am back to work soon and so need to get some sleep.

DH has never helped with DS waking in the night and at the moment sleeps in a separate room to us so he is not disturbed .

I am terrified that I am not going to cope when I go back to work .

I have asked OH to take the baby for just one night so I can get a proper nights sleep and he has said NO!

I'm on my last legs .

AIBU?

OP posts:
SorrelSoup · 11/02/2017 12:43

What the hell? Does he actually like you at all??

He doesn't help with anything else either but that's because I'm on maternity leave
This is bs too!!

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/02/2017 12:44

Your DH is being a selfish, hateful piece of shit.

He does not love you. He has made that clear. He doesn't care about you, your exhaustion, feelings, needs. All he cares about is himself. He is treating you like a stranger, someone that means precisely nothing to him.

I'm furious on your behalf. I'm sorry you have to deal with a 'partner' like that.

I know what that exhaustion is like from my own kids and it is intolerable without support.

LTB.

ineedwine99 · 11/02/2017 12:45

He's extremely selfish OP, my husband still did night feeds once he went back to work, we took turns.
Hope your little ones sleeps better soon Flowers

NapQueen · 11/02/2017 12:46

Could the little one do two days at nursery?

blueskyinmarch · 11/02/2017 12:48

Surely your partner should love you and care about you and want you to get a decent sleep? Yours sounds like a selfish shitbag.

Marmalade85 · 11/02/2017 12:54

Absolutely disgusting behaviour OP. My ex would come in and switch the lights on when I tried to sleep when I had a newborn as he didn't like sitting alone. I remember my eyeballs would hurt.

RupertsMum2 · 11/02/2017 13:00

My dh does next to no housework or childcare but even he lends a hand if I'm struggling. You would be better off without him.

Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 13:01

@napqueen they could but I work one weekend night and can't find a childminder or anything that does weekends

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 13:02

To be honest I'm too tired to care or do anything about OHs behaviour at the minute .

I'm just plodding along on auto pilot

OP posts:
Akire · 11/02/2017 13:04

Younpoor thing. Pack a bag go stay in hotel tonight and tomorrow! See how he feels going to work Monday feeling crap.

kittymamma · 11/02/2017 13:07

Never one to say LTB as MN only gets a snapshot of your relationship (But you're on that page anyway), I would try the telling approach first. You have asked and failed. Try (On his first day off - so he hasn't worked that day or isn't working the next) telling him that you are going to sleep in the spare room tonight and the baby is in your room where he can sleep. Then tell him not to wake you until 4am (Expect to be woken at 3am) then go to bed at 8pm. Imagine that 7 hours sleep!

My DS is 13 months old, and we had some problems like this a few months ago. It did take sleep training that I was very very bad at. Now he sleeps in another room with one wake up.

Bluetrews25 · 11/02/2017 13:10

That sounds exhausting.
Sleep training can be a lifesaver.
We don't mind teaching our children to swim, cycle, do maths etc, but teaching them to sleep is not in favour, somehow. I've done controlled crying. Both my DCs are adults now, and still love me!
When you have cracked the sleep, then you might have energy to go to work and get your relationship sorted.
First things first.

donajimena · 11/02/2017 13:11

My ex was just like your DH. He was genuinely shocked when I LTB

happypoobum · 11/02/2017 13:12

Hotel.

You need to get some rest so you can think properly and decide a way forwards, whether that involves LTB or not, you obviously cannot continue as you are.

Don't discuss it with him - he will fuck off. Just walk out the door as he walks in and text him later (not telling him exactly where you are!)

You will make yourself really ill if you try carrying on with no sleep. He obviously couldn't give a shit.

Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 13:13

The problem with sleep training is that it would wake my other two DCs as little one is a very loud cryer . He screams really doesn't cry.

Any suggestions on how to do it? I really need sleep .

OP posts:
SalmonFajitas · 11/02/2017 13:19

We don't mind teaching our children to swim, cycle, do maths etc, but teaching them to sleep is not in favour, somehow

I taught my DD to sleep but without letting her cry - I also taught her to swim without throwing her in the deep end! Not saying that sleep training might not be right for other kids but your catch all analogy is bollocks!

OP what about other childcare and household jobs that will need to be shared when you go back to work? Will he just refuse to do his share? Why doesn't he take DC out in the morning at least so you get a long lie in?

HPandBaconSandwiches · 11/02/2017 13:23

You could try this It's an old thread but the technique works well for some and doesn't involve quite so much crying (technique described about 12 posts from start of thread).

But the gentler approaches take longer. To be honest, with how fragile your sanity sounds just now, I'd do CC and start on a Thursday - that way your older DC only has one tired day at school. For many babies 3 days and it's sorted. Cc didn't work for me, I used gradual retreat but it took months.

wowbutter · 11/02/2017 13:25

What would happen if you took the baby and toddler to him, handed them over and said "I'm off for a nap, wake me up at five" ?

I don't want to lecture you on how unfair this is and what you need to do, that's not the point of your thread. You have to find a way of getting some sleep. And it is going to involve your husband.
Once the children are in bed can you speak honestly about what would happen to them if you were to split?

Twopeapods · 11/02/2017 13:27

Poor you OP. Sleep deprivation is pure torture. I'm just coming through to the end of it with DD2 who has just turned 2 but it settled down about 15 months to 1/2 night waking and the only thing that helped was cry it out method. It was my last resort. It took ages. Maybe a month before she finally started going to bed and not crying for ages. But it is well worth the effort. I was quite surprised that DD1 ever got woken with the screaming but she was fine.
With regards to your DH that is not on AT ALL. Mine can be a lazy arse and doesn't do much housework but if I asked him to do something he would. And he does a fair share of night duty with the kids. It comes with being a parent.
I think you need to write it all down in a letter to him so he can't answer back and start an arguements. Tell him how you aren't coping, everything. And end it by saying that he will need to take over on one of his days off. He sounds like he is completely disrespecting you. I don't want to say LTB but it's that kind of territory. It will only get harder when you have been doing night duty. Flowers

EweAreHere · 11/02/2017 13:29

Wow.

You need to tell him he is going to be doing every other night from here on out, because it's his baby, too, and you will be going back to paid employment, too.

And frankly, he should be doing at least one of the weekend nights anyway at the very least.

What an arse. What on earth do you see in him?!

EineKleine · 11/02/2017 13:34

Maybe we were just lucky but we solved hourly waking in a couple of nights with DH being prepared to put the work in and have loads of patience. We decided DC could go 3 hourly stints between feeds. When she woke early DH took her and rocked her etc until the 3 hours were up, then I took over with a feed. Repeated a few times a d she was magically doing 3 hour stretches. Then a week later we did the same to take her to 4 hour stretches and she dis the rest herself. We did exactly the same with DC2.

Might be worth seeing if he would come on board for a few nights. It is not an easy job to rock a baby who expects to be fed for an hour or two, but hinestly it only took us a night or two. You can also sleep train by doing "new regime" til a time you set, say midnight or 2am, then giving in and doing whatever works to get you through. It should work though it may take longer than being totally consistent. This comes from No Cry Sleep Solution which I would recommend.

EineKleine · 11/02/2017 13:34

Sorry for loads of typos

haveacupoftea · 11/02/2017 13:35

I echo previous sentiments about your husband.

Would a bottle of formula before bed help DS sleep at night?

mysteriouscurle · 11/02/2017 13:39

Hp has nailed it with a person who "loves" you watching you on your knees with exhaustion and basically not giving a fuck. EOW sounds good to me. Youre a single parent anyway. Good luck with whatever you decide

Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 13:40

@wowbutter tried that . He always has some reason why he needs to come and wake me . Mostly because the baby needs "feeding" .
No he bloody doesn't you just can't handle two kids fuck off . Is what I say in my head .

I know he needs to step up . I don't know how to get him to do it.

He gets home from work and sits on the sofa on his phone and puts the telly on for the kids . This drives me mental as he hasn't seen them all day then he spends the evening on a bloody WhatsApp chat to his work mates .

He's always complaining that he's tired as he's been at work all day . Well I'm tired too! I've been running after two toddlers on no sleep for over a year! I need a break.

He does no housework. If anything he makes my job harder as he never puts anything where it's supposed to go! E.g. If he gets DS ready for bed he doesn't put the dirty clothes in the wash he just leaves them wherever for me to find.

I'm at the end of my tether but I don't know if it's because of the lack of sleep and that is clouding my judgement.

Every time I talk to him about any of it nothing changes he just shrugs it off and carries on.

I just want him to help me . And to get some sleep!

OP posts: