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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to take the baby so I can sleep!

151 replies

Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 12:20

Baby DS is 13 months .

In all that time he has never slept through the night . He wakes hourly .

I am exhausted.

I am back to work soon and so need to get some sleep.

DH has never helped with DS waking in the night and at the moment sleeps in a separate room to us so he is not disturbed .

I am terrified that I am not going to cope when I go back to work .

I have asked OH to take the baby for just one night so I can get a proper nights sleep and he has said NO!

I'm on my last legs .

AIBU?

OP posts:
BuckingFrolicks2 · 11/02/2017 22:16

He's holding the baby to ransom. You r choice? Mind the baby, or run the risk your baby isn't properly looked after. He's got you over a barrel

Wake him up again. You go back to bed. He's got to look after the baby.

Or leave him for the pathetic man he seems to be. I would

Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 22:21

I just can't believe he just fell asleep! DS could have got into trouble or hurt himself . I'm glad I went down to take my cup cause who mows what could have happened .

I wasn't even upstairs for 10 minutes . How can he even say he is tired ? He doesn't know the meaning of the word .

He just doesn't give a fuck does he .

I'm so angry right now

OP posts:
YouWillNotSeeMe · 11/02/2017 22:27

I hope he agreed and you are on your way to a b & b or have one booked for tomorrow. You need a night knowing he won't be bothering you st all.

YouWillNotSeeMe · 11/02/2017 22:27

Sorry massive page refresh fail, ignore post!

paddypants13 · 11/02/2017 22:28

Ltb op. Honestly, tell him to pack a bag and fuck off. You will still be tired but at least you won't have the burning resentment you have now or his mess.

Do try controlled crying. We tried it with ds because we'd had 9 months of very little sleep and we were on our knees and it worked. I can't imagine how you've coped for 13 months with hardly any sleep. Take your friends up on the offer of childcare even if it's just so you can rest for a few hours. When I offer to help my friends I don't think they are taking advantage if they take me up on the offer.

YouWillNotSeeMe · 11/02/2017 22:30

Caught up.
So sorry OP. I think you need to maybe shock him with the fact that you've worked out you'all get more sleep if you split up so you get so many child free night a week to sleep. See what he does.
He is a bastard for doing that.

Akire · 11/02/2017 22:33

Typical ass man behaviour, do such a crap job you never ask again. Don't let the bastard get away with it. Send him bed put baby cot next to him so he's safe. See how he sleeps through screaming

mytimewillcome · 11/02/2017 22:38

How can the op go to a b & b leaving the baby with dh if he fell asleep after she was upstairs for 9 minutes? I also think tell him that you are splitting with him and see if that shakes him up. If not you have the house and are the higher earner. He loses out on every level not you. It just takes a lot of guts to take that step.

Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 11/02/2017 22:46

Right I'm trying some sleep training Sad need to get this sorted first I think .

OP posts:
paddypants13 · 11/02/2017 22:47

Good luck op. It's tough but it will save your sanity. Flowers

MilesHuntsWig · 11/02/2017 22:52

Good luck. We used the sleepeasy solution book (gentle sleep training) because our DD was still up regularly during the night when I started back at work and I was malfunctioning.

Your OH is a selfish arse who needs to get his act together.

AyeAmarok · 11/02/2017 23:00

So glad you are not married to this selfish twunt.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 11/02/2017 23:03

Is there literally something the matter with him? My dh can fall asleep quickly and sometimes doesn't hear the kids when they cry, but on the flip side last night I fell asleep at 9.30 and he must've taken my glasses off for me and I didn't even know I was unconscious! I work 4 days and on the Thursday night he always volunteers for 'duty' because I've got dc all day Friday where he can go to work and drink coffee in peace at his desk! You need to take your friend up on their offer, just one night would make such a difference and give you the strength to have a serious talk with the soon to be ex! Good luck

Dragongirl10 · 11/02/2017 23:14

Oh op that is so selfish of him......l understand you cannot relax as you are worried about what may happen if you do not watch Ds yourself ...

Glad you are going to do some sleep training as that is the first thing to resolve.....but then ask yourself what exactly does DP add to your life?

Have you thought of getting a night nanny? if you can afford a week of two they can really help to get the night routine sorted and take the brunt of it...

EveOnline2016 · 11/02/2017 23:24

If that was my husband I would be getting him to book a GP appointment just to rule out if there wasn't anything medically wrong with him. Being tired all the time is not normal if you are getting decent sleep in the night.

How that goes is how I would review our relationship.

Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 12/02/2017 00:06

Just had a blazing row.

I feel so hurt and confused . I just want him to help me.

DS is also still awake giggling at me from his cot!

OP posts:
ThighBrows · 12/02/2017 00:25

Arguing means that there is some doubt as to who is in the right, which doesn't apply here, so why bother? He has been demonstrating to you for over a year that he doesn't give a fuck and will not parent. He can't be clearer. I hope you can have him removed from your property when you're feeling stronger.
(Also, the word 'help'means that it's your job, he wouldn't be 'helping', just basic parenting of the humans he chose to bring into existence.)

Akire · 12/02/2017 00:37

Hope you manage some sleep. Can you set your alarm
For 6 and then hand over the baby and get some sleep?

Msqueen33 · 12/02/2017 00:49

Oh god poor you. How old is he? Does he have a super stressful job? My dh is not a coper. He gets a full nights sleep every night but falls asleep on the sofa at about half nine. I'm normally up with one of our dc who has autism. The other with autism thank god sleeps through and goes to school but being sleep deprived is hell. I often think when you tell your partner you're struggling and they make it into an arguement they're quite selfish. I've told my dh numerous times I'm struggling with three kids. Two of which have autism and he tells me how stressed and tired he is. It's resentment that kills a relationship and my lazy dh wonders why I'm not up for sex anymore 😡

Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 12/02/2017 01:58

He's 32 . He does have a stressful job - he's only been working in this field for nearly two years so it could explain why he's so different this time to how he was with the toddler when he had the easier job.

I don't know. Maybe the tiredness is clouding my judgement.

I feel so sad as we used to be so happy .

OP posts:
SmallBee · 12/02/2017 02:37

I don't know how I could stay in love with someone so breathe takingly selfish. My DH and I always take it in turns on the weekend to have a night ' off' and a lie in, it's the only fair way to do it.

If you're a high earner can you afford a night Nanny or similar just for a few days? I'm having fantasies about getting one myself

SmallBee · 12/02/2017 02:38

Oh...strike through fail Blush

WalkingInTheAir13 · 12/02/2017 04:14

Setting aside the problems with your OH for a moment:
I really believe that your life would turn around if you let your baby cry. I know from experience that this is hard but you will have to steel yourself.

When I did this, it was agony but all it took was three or four nights, over which the crying session became shorter and ended when they realise that you are not coming to them. It really does take every ounce of willpower but my children slept right through the night afterwards.
Writing it like this sounds cruel but it's not - no baby dies of crying.

I understand that he may wake your other child but again you must remind yourself that it will be for a very short period. It's for his benefit too to have his mum well and sane

I also think perhaps you should reconsider continuing bf.

Ideally, you should be calm and relaxed to bf but you sound overwrought and exhausted - justifiably so of course. You have given your baby an excellent thirteen month start in life.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

ImBrian · 12/02/2017 07:47

OP your h is a twat! My now ex partner was like this, he never did a night feed and then on a morning would roll out of bed ten minutes before I went to work leaving me to sort out 5 kids. This included a year that he was unemployed! I was an idiot for putting up with him for so long. Like you have said do some sleep training for your own sanity but sort him out as well 🤛

polkadotdelight · 12/02/2017 08:18

He is an arse. Our DS woke hourly until about 18 months and woke at 5am until about 26 months (and this bloody morning!). Even when I was on maternity leave DH used to get up and help with night feeds, settling etx as he knew I'd br awake during the day too. We share it 50/50 and thats how it should be.