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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed by the delivery man?

140 replies

dontpullyourbrotherswilly · 10/02/2017 14:34

I know I am BU actually but still feel annoyed!
The delivery man (who has been delivering parcels here for a while) yesterday decided to address me by my first name.
Why? I don't know your name why the bloody heck should you address me by my first name (or any name, but the use of first name by strangers always grates me)?! To me delivery situation is very simple- no need to use anyone's name (unless id required for passport or similar). Not saying I'm usually rude, I obviously thank the person and sometimes there's comments about weather etc that's quite usual i think.
Then he came back today- firsty he rang the doorbell and immediately banged on the door which is frustrating as LO napping but obviously he wouldn't have known that.
Then he told me i look tired today !
Since when is it ok for a virtual stranger to tell you that you look crap basically??!?
Makes me irrationally angry right now!

Please tell me I'm being ridiculous and how would you react in similar situations??
Next time hold out my hand and say " nice to meet you and your name is?"
Or
"You look shit too, thanks!"

I'm just about done with my unreasonable rant!
Angry

OP posts:
NarkyMcDinkyChops · 11/02/2017 13:17

I'm not MISSING your point, I am DISAGREEING with your point.

Sheesh. How many times?

PuppyMonkey · 11/02/2017 13:18

Unless your name is Twatface, I don't think it's at all rude to say it out loud. But saying "you look tired" deserves a slammed door in the face at the very least.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 11/02/2017 13:21

Don't know if this has been said, but I find it vaguely offensive when people assume I am a 'Mrs'. I am not. I have a different title, or I prefer 'Ms'. But my first name is absolutely fine (just don't assume that I am a 'Mrs').

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 11/02/2017 13:26

I'm not MISSING your point, I am DISAGREEING with your point.

The "politeness* should be a 2 way street. This isn't. The person who knows the name is at an advantage over the person who doesn't.
To quote you Sheesh. How many times?

The examples given of a hospital situation are completely different.

Although even there if a patient does not want to be called by her first name it is not polite to ignore that, nor to assume from the get go that a patient will be fine with it.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 11/02/2017 13:32

That's the problem for people like a delivery guy though, isn't it? He calls everyone Mrs X, some people don't like Mrs, some people prefer first name, some people don't want him to speak to them at all, if he doesn't speak then some will find that rude, if he does but doesn't use a name some will find THAT rude. Can't win.

Fluffy24 · 11/02/2017 13:32

I wouldn't like it either OP and in trying to work out exactly why, I think it's that there's something unequal about it: he knows your name and address and is standing on your doorstep, and in addressing you by your first name assumes a certain familiarity. You on the other hand don't know anything about him, and he hasn't introduced himself.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 11/02/2017 13:42

Kurri I would find that hugging distressing, regardless of circumstances. I understand they may care but not everyone likes physical contact.

Calling people by their first names wouldn't bother me a bit - not sure where you got that from! I don't do it, I wait to be told but I'm happy for people to call me by my first name.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 11/02/2017 13:46

And I don't see where I got 'hysterical' about the use of first names. I just don't like the idea of someone touching me unnecessarily - is that okay?

witsender · 11/02/2017 13:46

Touching is a no, first names are fine.

PuppyMonkey · 11/02/2017 13:51

I am now imagining all the delivery drivers having to introduce themselves formally and giving a little rundown of their life to date before they hand over a parcel. Grin

KurriKurri · 11/02/2017 13:53

The medical personel are very good at working out who would like a hug and who not Livia - I have been hugged by many of the oncologists I have seen. They don't force themselves on people. They ask. My main onc. knows I am a tactile person, and and prefer informality.
I know many of his other patients and they all love him - I'm sure he doesn't hug anyone who would be uncomfortable, because if he did some people would complain and I have never heard a bad word against him.

I found the consultant surgeon who treated me like a 'case' referred to me as Mrs Kurri, kept his eyes firmly on my notes, never made eye contact, tutted at my biopsy results and shook his head and insisted on giving me my survival chance statistics when I had asked him not to, far more distressing. I felt thoroughly dehumanised.

Contrast with my oncologist who looked at my notes and said 'right lets get to work on making you better my dear'

I appreciate your point about how you would feel, but I trust my team to make the right judgement on such things because dealing with people in traumatic situations is their everyday work.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 11/02/2017 13:58

I'm agreeing with you about the first names - not sure where you got the impression I wasn't Confused

If you read my post I said that if they did it to everyone it is inappropriate and unprofessional

If people want it, fine.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 11/02/2017 14:12

BiscuitBiscuitBiscuitfucking hell

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 11/02/2017 14:17

I wouldn't like it either OP and in trying to work out exactly why, I think it's that there's something unequal about it: he knows your name and address and is standing on your doorstep, and in addressing you by your first name assumes a certain familiarity. You on the other hand don't know anything about him, and he hasn't introduced himself

That is exactly what is wrong and why it is not polite.

TheAtheist · 11/02/2017 14:37

Kurri you are describing a completely different situation, as you say yourself, they ask first, they don't just grab you without warning.

Just because you are ok with being hugged, it doesn't mean that everyone is. There should be a default (not being hugged/addressed by your first name) which can be changed if both parties are ok with it.

I'm not even convinced that it is appropriate for NHS staff to ask to hug patients, as there are many people, especially vulnerable ones, who would feel put on the spot, or not wish to offend their care provider by refusing so would go along with it.

TheAtheist · 11/02/2017 14:45

...and on the subject of people 'knowing their place' I have to say that I do think this is correct to a certain extent.

Individual people occupy many different roles in their lives and I think it important to be adaptable enough to conduct yourself appropriately depending on with whom you are dealing and in what context.

So for example, I do expect somebody in my 'employ' to treat me respectfully and courteously and yes, perhaps a bit of deference. In turn, when I am dealing with my clients (I am self employed) I also adopt a respectful and deferential manner.

It is quite likely that in a different situation, my client might also turn out to be someone who provides me with a service, and then the roles would be reversed and I would be the deferential one. It's not about thinking I am better than anyone else, more a case of understanding social and professional dynamics.

Surely people aren't so lacking in social grace that they behave in the same manner with everyone they come across, in all situations in life?

I do understand that in the socialist left leaning echo chamber of MN, all work is valued equally/nobody is of higher status than any other/all situations can be treated the same, but I'm struggling to believe the average MN is naive enough to believe that this the way the real world functions?

TheAtheist · 11/02/2017 14:47

...and they would be the deferential one

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 11/02/2017 14:47

Surely people aren't so lacking in social grace that they behave in the same manner with everyone they come across, in all situations in life?

Of course not, but that is hardly the same thing as the sneery the delivery man used my first name, the cheek of him is it?

melj1213 · 11/02/2017 14:50

That's the problem for people like a delivery guy though, isn't it? He calls everyone Mrs X, some people don't like Mrs, some people prefer first name, some people don't want him to speak to them at all, if he doesn't speak then some will find that rude, if he does but doesn't use a name some will find THAT rude. Can't win.

Yup, I work in retail customer services and you can't win - people will complain if cashiers are too chatty, but then others will complain if their cashier doesn't speak to them; some will complain if their transaction is done too quickly, some if it's too slow; some will complain if they seem overly formal, some if they're too casual and so on and so forth ... you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I even had one woman complain because the cashier was "too familiar and was unprofessionally casual" with the person in front of them ... that person was the cashier's brother, and in the course of scanning and packing his shopping they had been chatting and joking with each other!

I have to take people's details - eg because they have lost something in store and want us to contact us if it's found - and that can turn into a minefield ... they might tell you/write on the form that their name is "Jane Lewis" but then it seems rude to not use their name (esp if I have to leave a message on an aswering machine) but do I just go with Jane, as Jane Lewis seems too awkward, since she's given me her first name? Or Mrs Lewis , despite tha fact she hasn't given me a title? Or should I just stick with "madam" despite the fact she has given me her name?

I regularly get stuff handed in to my customer service desk (lost cards/keys/handbags, you name it we get it handed in!) and if it has a name on I will put a call out on the tannoy for the named person to come to the desk if they are in store ... people will even complain that you use the name on their items and not psychically know that Andrew Jones actually goes by his middle name of Stephen?!

I once had a woman's purse handed in, with cash, cards and a couple of large value cheques in there. So I put a call out "If there's a Mrs Joanne Smith (not the lady's name obvs but it was as similarly a common surname) currently in store, could she please come to the customer service desk?" Well this woman came storming over, how dare I call out her full name over the tannoy, how dare I presume she was a "Mrs", how dare I use her first name and incidentally, what the hell did I want her for anyway? She soon simmered down when I explained I used the name that was on her debit card, including the Mrs, in order to return her purse that she had dropped in the car park, and in order to do that ss soon as possible I hadn't just called out "Mrs Smith" as it is a very common name and might have meant someone else had come to try and claim her item.

Having said all that, what I hate the most is people using my name at work. I wear a name badge, not out of choice, but because it's company policy. I don't mind people knowing my name, or asking for it if we're on the phone so they know who they spoke to about something as in that case knowing my name has a purpose. What I really dislike is when people go out of their way to use my name during a transaction, they might be doing it to try and be nice/friendly but I am always wondering why they are making such a point about to use my name so often. So a transaction goes something like:

"Good afternoon sir"
"Hello *melj1213"
"Do you need any bags today?"
"No thank you, melj1213!"
"Alright then, are you okay with your packing or would you like a hand?"
"No thanks, melj1213, we'll be fine"
"So there's your change and your reciept. Have a nice day sir!"
"Thanks, you too melj1213!"

TheAtheist · 11/02/2017 14:50

That is exactly the point though, the delivery driver has misread/misunderstood the dynamic between the two parties and has treated the OP the same was as he would a friend, or an 'equal'.

This is presumptuous of the driver, and yes, I think pretty cheeky.

It is probably inadvertent though, which is why I commented upthread that I believe social graces are a dying art.

Meridien · 11/02/2017 15:03

How do you actually pronounce Ms, though? Mr is pronounced Mister and Ms should really be pronounced Mistress which for centuries was a title of respect for a woman. Not so now. I prefer the French style, if a female looks like she could be old enough to be married then she's always Madame. Looking at a woman's left hand doesn't help because many women choose the old European practice of wearing a wedding ring on the right hand. Mademoiselle is reserved for girls young enough to be assumed not to be old enough to be married. I wish there was an English equivalent to this.

Meridien · 11/02/2017 15:04

Previous post: not English - British. Dammit....

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 11/02/2017 15:14

That is exactly the point though, the delivery driver has misread/misunderstood the dynamic between the two parties and has treated the OP the same was as he would a friend, or an 'equal

You don't know that.

And for all you have a point about situations and employers etc, perhaps he doesn't feel less than equal to someone he is delivering shopping to? She isn't his boss, or his superior, or someone he needs to be particularly deferential to.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 11/02/2017 15:25

But he did misread it.

The OP didn't like it. She is perfectly entitled not to like someone whose name she doesn't know at all deciding to start calling her by her first name and making personal remarks.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 11/02/2017 15:29

Just because she didn't like it didn't mean he misread it! Maybe she did?!

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