Why do I feel odd about this? Non biological parent and 'dads'

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

My DP is expecting our first baby. She got pregnant partly because I have a history of miscarriage, which is being investigated at the moment. So far there's no definite indications of why it happens, but some tests have come up positive and so they're continuing to check things out.

Obviously, we're thrilled about the baby and I honestly don't feel the tiniest bit that she isn't mine. In fact we both regularly forget she won't inherit anything genetic from me. However, I feel a bit odd about the mental 'boxes' people put me in. We just did NCT, and we had a lovely teacher who was falling over herself to be inclusive, and everyone else there was really nice and friendly. Now we've finished the classes we were encouraged to set up little facebook groups - a general one, one for dads and one for mums. Perhaps predictably, the general one is silent, there's one for mums which DP tells me is full of chatter, and as far as I know, there isn't one for dads at all because no one's set it up. Or, of course, they have and I just don't know. I could set it up myself, but I'm a bit nervous, firstly because I know someone in the same situation as me who had men complain they couldn't talk freely in front of her, and partly because ... and this is bad ... I just don't feel as if I have so much in common with the men. Rationally, I know we share a lot of common ground, and they're all nice, but I feel out of place. And obviously I don't fit with the mums either. And I feel oddly lonely.

I am not generally one for language policing and so my issue isn't that I mind people talking about 'the dads' and including me, or referring to me as 'honorary dad'. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I just don't feel as if I have the same experiences as them.

I am sure this will all fly out of my mind once the baby's born and I'll be far too busy and sleepless to think about anything so trivial. But can anyone sort of understand why I'm feeling out of place, and help me figure it out?

MrsJ - end of March.

I'd say join the mum's group. You may not be going through the physical bit of pregnancy (though if my DH is anything to go by you're probably missing sleep and dealing with flying hormones, even if not your own...) All the mental and emotional stuff about being a mum are just as real for you though, so you should feel at home.

As to not being able to share birth experiences - should a woman who had a c-section under general anaesthetic feel like she doesn't belong because she didn't have 25 hours of pushing? We all experience birth differently, and you'll be there for it so will have your own story just like everyone else.

Congratulations!

I think you are a mum, you carried babies, you have been pregnant. Very sadly those babies didn't get to term but you were still pregnant. I think you should join the mums groups, good insight to the journey of your partner and hopefully you may even be able to carry a baby to term in the future.

I think you should join the mums aswell xx

stubbornstains the fact you are not happy exclusively in the mum's group doesn't mean mums should not be able to meet together without dads present!

I am pretty certain the men would be mortified to be talking about episiotomy scars etc. And I expect many of the mums would find they are forced to shut up about physical elements of giving birth of all actvites were mixed sex!

Whether there is a chance for you to go out with the dads istotally up to the dads, isn''t it?

I would almost guarantee many 'dads', groups only exists because wives and partners encourages being part of this. This is a guess but I know the adoptive dads group never continued.

My Mn group was my lifesaver. We still chat daily (now on FB) and our "babies" are two and a half! That might be all the support you need.

Btw I have a tiny insight into your position. I accompanied a friend to her nct class when her husband was away. Everyone assumed I was the other mum/ honorary dad and I took part in the "dad" groups. Fwiw I think you should be in both groups - you are going to be a mum but also have the role of partner, in supporting the one who is going through pregnancy and birth.

It could make it weird to discuss sex post birth if you're in the mums group. Being a sexual partner of someone who's given birth IYSWIM.

But that depends on the group whether they'd be likely to be talking about that stuff anyway.

I think there I'd a big difference between over thinking (which I do not think youaee doing OP) and being too preoccupied with. If you are overly preoccupied with something potentially negative it can steal your joy. So do think about it all of course but don't let it spoil your anticipation of the arrival of baby!

Hello

I reckon this will sort itself out over time and people have got over the pregnancy bit too.

In my original NCT group (my DD is now 11), one of the mums went back to work at 3m and the dad took over meeting up for coffee mornings when he took on his part of the parental leave, which worked well. It's not the same for you, but I can see it working through in a similar way. Equally, you will make new friends and networks as you go along through various routes, activities like swimming, school etc, it's not just NCT.

I am divorced from DD1's dad and we are both still fairly friendly with the old NCT group. My DD2's dad, my current partner, takes DD2 to a toddler group on his non-working day and meets mums and dads from nursery there. Don't panic, the pregnancy is only a short part of it (and feeding) and soon over.

Ooo not to long Lrd

I haven't read the full thread but I can recommend a book 'The Other Mother' written by women in your position. It really helped my, and my wife when I became pregnant. Other than that, join the Mothers group if you like, and check out same sex parenting groups in your area. HTH

Our (all straight) NCT only used Facebook to set up meetings. And we invited whoever wasn't at work (once the babies turned 1, I was off on the same day as a couple of dads) Honestly it won't matter once baby is here.
At the start you said it feels odd. It feels odd, because it IS odd! You are a pioneer! Blaze that trail!
People don't have a generic blueprint for eg 'female colleague whose partner is giving birth'. They may not want to treat you like a pregnant woman, so you get the 'dad' script. It's not perfect but it's a rough approximation.
It seems that you yourself aren't sure of where you fit - for medical history she's not biologically yours,but you don't quite fit with UK adoptive parents, whose child has a history before them, you're not a dad, you're not a stepparent. Once she arrives it'll be easier, you'll be her mum! Until then you're an anomoly!

LDR for me the surrogacy was a bit hard since I had been able to carry my son years earlier and then had 10 early mc and the baby that the surrogate ,who was a complete stranger to us although we'd met her ,was carrying me and my husband's biological child . I did feel upset about not been able to have this baby myself . She lived in the USA the distance helped I couldn't have dealed with being in the same country or too involved during the pregnancy after everything I'd been through . After our losses I couldnt believe in a happy end until I held out daughter few minutes after the birth and haven't let go since ... It took us 5 y if hell to have her and I honestly couldn't see an end to it but it finally worked out !

It's 12 years since dp and I were in this situation, but I remember very clearly that struggle to locate ourselves in the pregnancy world. It is very hard, and at a time when everything feels topsy turvy and you're going of grasping at new social relationships, especially tricky. You are NOT overthinking this.

I think you may have to accept that you won't feel totally comfortable anywhere - there will be no natural 'home' for a non-bio parent. You will have to decide where to fit yourself, and others will take their cue from you. Don't feel you have to justify or explain, and don't make self-deprecating jokes about not being a 'real' mother (I'm sure you won't, but I've seen other lesbian mums do this).

It WILL get easier. You will be an equal mum with your dp, and your child will relate to you as a mother, and it will all flow from there. Being an expectant mum is a bit abstract, isn't it, if you don't have all the pregnancy stuff to define yourself by.

Life is getting easier and easier for lesbian parents. When I first came out, lesbians routinely lost their children in custody cases. These days, there are half a dozen at my kids' suburban school (not in Brighton, Hackney or Hebden Bridge!). There is still a long way to go, though, and you will be one of the pioneers educating all those around you. That may not be a role you chose, and it won't always feel comfortable, but it is exciting and important.

You'll be mum definitely. Your child will have two mums who love them very much. Similarly children of gay parents have two dads. Kids don't have to have a mum and a dad to be happy

Banana , we turned to surrogacy after 10 unexplained early mc and nothing found in all the investigations . I had steroids to try to stop mc and they just gave me a Chronic illness for life . I had IVF twice and on the second go our US surrogate had our daughter . We had to stay in the US for 5 w after birth for visa reasons and she was our second baby so I never went to any ante or postnatal groups with her unlike when I had our son . I had the mn group here to talk to and I joined a group of people going through surrogacy on fertility friends website but right before her birth . in general I was trying to keep busy with our son and life here to stop me obsessing about it since I didn't find it an easy situation to be in . Afterwards I socialised with my existing friends I had from when my son was little and then started baby gym and music classes etc at around 6 m . The surrogacy process took us about 2,5 y from finding an agency on the Internet to her birth before that I had about 2,5 y of constant short pregnancies and mc and endless doctors app and tests . It was very hard but so worth it . Can't believe she's soon 5 !!!!!
Btw I really don't agree with the giving birth or breastfeeding as an only definition of a mum !!!!!
There are many ways to become a mom for instance I couldn't carry our daughter or bf her but she's my biological child and I've looked after her literally from the moment she was born I even stayed in the hospital with her after birth just like I did with our son I did give birth too . Also I wasn't able to bf my son for long either but that doesn't make me less of a mom does it !!!!

Nothing useful to add just yet, sorry!

The NCT group I was in (also Cambridge btw - waves) had a couple in your situation. The non-birth-giving mum was invited to, and joined both. She found the dads group really helpful for some things, particularly around supporting her DP before and after the birth, and as far as I remember (8 years ago now) went to meet ups for both, although the dads group fell away quicker.

So I'd suggest you join both - I know my DH found the dads group really helpful at the beginning at least

And congratulations

When my partner and I did NCT she joined in with the mums stuff (I carried).

This was 4 years ago, and we did it all by email/text rather than WhatsApp groups so there wasn't such a clear moment of 'picking sides' which was helpful.

My partner took loads of time off work in the first year and then we both went back part time - I think this is what cemented her as clearly in the 'mum' group as she came to all the early meet ups (which were 3 or 4 times a week in the early days) by which time all the dads were back at work (like others have said, parenting had been far far more gendered than I ever suspected, and my partner so clearly feel onto the female/mum side of this)

I definitely don't think you are "overthinking".

You're in a more complicated situation than most, and so more thinking is required.

Oh and I'd say do join Gay Parenting groups too! Not because you feel you don't fit in with the NCT group, it's as much yours as everyone else's (and I've absolutely loved ours), but as an added bonus.

We have never been joiner-indeed really, or that active on any gay scene, but as soon as we had our daughter we felt really strongly that we wanted her to be surrounded by families that looked like hers from the start (luckily where we are has LOTS of lesbian parents)

congratulations OP
I was once that NCT teacher (many moons ago)- I think what is difficult here is that you're thinking of a 'mums' group and a 'dads' group. It would make more sense to think of it as a 'birthing persons group' and a 'birthing supporter group' which for shorthand I'd call mums group and partners group. The mums will be partly focussed on their own physical experiences of pregnancy, birth and (perhaps) breastfeeding. You won't be experiencing those. The partners group will focus on how to support a woman through pg/labour/bf. Both groups will need to think about how they adjust to their new roles as parents.

Thanks everyone.

nordic, I'm sorry, that sounds so difficult. But clearly your DD is very lucky in her mum.

peach - thanks, will check that out. I have had a look at same-sex parenting groups around here - it's just the issue with them being older children/in different situations than us.

dorcas - that's really helpful, thanks! Will keep in mind.

71 - waving back!

BeThere - yes, that's what I'm already feeling, that parenting is quite gendered. There just seem to be different expectations.

shall - well, that might have worked, but unfortunately, no, that's how they were set up! The teacher we had was lovely, and was aware she kept talking about 'dads', but we did end up in a situation that very clearly was about mums and dads. And the point is that we (like most people) didn't really join NCT for the classes (you could google the info in an afternoon, though it's nice having someone chat to you about it), but because we wanted to meet other new parents. So it's not about me feeling that 'dad's group' would be a bad name - it's about me feeling slightly isolated in the actual situation.

I wouldn't join the mums group. When I was pregnant we did Nct and had a WhatsApp group. We talked about very boring aches and pains, boredom of waiting, constipation, etc. Can't see what you would get out of that and others might not want to share as much if there is someone in the group not going through it, I wouldn't have been keen to have a non pregnant person in it at that stage.

At this stage it is all new and unknown, in a very short space of time you will be parents and have a little person to care for and these ideas of being included etc just won't matter as you will be your own little family. Hope it all goes well for you both.

We did antenatal to meet other new parents but didn't click with them. Sometimes that's just what happens - you fork out for something in the hope you'll have this amazing NCT social group mumsnet people always rave about, but they flop as often as they succeed in my real life experience (friends/relatives).

Also becoming a parent for the first time can be very difficult to deal with, lead to 'overthinking' or worry. To some extent there isn't anything you can do about that bar cross your fingers.

I'm not trying to minimise your difficulties in any way, guess I'm just trying to say don't feel all the angst is purely because you're a woman/lesbian - a lot of it is just par for the course when approaching parenthood.

God that sounds patronising. Sorry.