Why do I feel odd about this? Non biological parent and 'dads'

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

My DP is expecting our first baby. She got pregnant partly because I have a history of miscarriage, which is being investigated at the moment. So far there's no definite indications of why it happens, but some tests have come up positive and so they're continuing to check things out.

Obviously, we're thrilled about the baby and I honestly don't feel the tiniest bit that she isn't mine. In fact we both regularly forget she won't inherit anything genetic from me. However, I feel a bit odd about the mental 'boxes' people put me in. We just did NCT, and we had a lovely teacher who was falling over herself to be inclusive, and everyone else there was really nice and friendly. Now we've finished the classes we were encouraged to set up little facebook groups - a general one, one for dads and one for mums. Perhaps predictably, the general one is silent, there's one for mums which DP tells me is full of chatter, and as far as I know, there isn't one for dads at all because no one's set it up. Or, of course, they have and I just don't know. I could set it up myself, but I'm a bit nervous, firstly because I know someone in the same situation as me who had men complain they couldn't talk freely in front of her, and partly because ... and this is bad ... I just don't feel as if I have so much in common with the men. Rationally, I know we share a lot of common ground, and they're all nice, but I feel out of place. And obviously I don't fit with the mums either. And I feel oddly lonely.

I am not generally one for language policing and so my issue isn't that I mind people talking about 'the dads' and including me, or referring to me as 'honorary dad'. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I just don't feel as if I have the same experiences as them.

I am sure this will all fly out of my mind once the baby's born and I'll be far too busy and sleepless to think about anything so trivial. But can anyone sort of understand why I'm feeling out of place, and help me figure it out?

OP we're in South London so was hoping that we might meet other gay parents, but so far we haven't really come across any apart from OH's football friends ;o) We keep meaning to join a lesbian mums group but each month it seems to clash with other stuff we have going on, mostly with our NCT friends in fact.

Hopefully the fact that you're in Cambridge should mean that you're out of the London Hospital Carnage Situation, that basically means there are half the number of staff and twice the number of patients that there should be, and everyone is too busy and crazed to see their patients as actual people!

Oh and sorry about your miscarriages. I had one last year and it was truly the worst experience.

Congratulations to you both. My daughter and her wife are planning to get pregnant in 2018 - my daughter will be pregnant, if it all works out, but both women will be the baby's mum. The fact there are separate mums and dads facebook groups seems a bit off, to me, they are all going to be parents. And pregnancy and childbirth is a magical time, not just for moaning about dyspepsia and piles.

It feels weird because you're going to be a mum, not a dad!

Adding my voice to those who suggest that you join the mums group :-)

For different reasons I felt rather adrift in my NCT group - all very heteronormative, all married, while I was single. I was glad I did it, but really I found 'my people' later and it changed my whole experience of motherhood!

Where are you based, OP? If you're in London I have some recommendations for you.

But can anyone sort of understand why I'm feeling out of place, and help me figure it out?

I suppose that's only natural. I mean, you fit into the "dad category" in that you are a parent to be but are not pregnant, you are the partner of the pregnant one...which is most often the thing we name "dad". BUT, you are not a man, which is the other usual defining criteria for "dad". You ARE a woman, which is more often the defining characteristic of the "mum category", but you are not pregnant, which is the other usual defining characteristic of the "mum category".
You are by no means unique in this, but as you've found, the pool of current "dad category but not dad, mum category but not mum" others is slim at best. And as the human mind struggles immensely with lack of clarity on categorisation, there is why you feel so odd about it all.

Happily pregnancy is short, and as pp have said, post pregnancy classifications are far easier, more fluid, less narrow in definition and much friendlier! If I were you I would probably try and plant a foot in dad camp, one in mum camp, and any other appendage in "non traditional family" camp, if possible for now, and try not to think about it too much.

Congratulations.

We had our daughter through gestational surrogacy and I asked to join group here eventhough I wasn't physically pregnant I was still a female and going to have a baby . I explained and they took me in with open arms we're still in touch 5 y later as a Facebook group 😀! I did feel like the odd one out of course a bit while they were still pregnant but I felt like I wanted to be part of a group and talk to people who were expecting babies around the same time unlike when I had our son myself when I felt lonely .

And huge congrats !

bear - well, if you're ever this way, we can have our own tiny meet-up!

But very sorry to hear you had that experience too.

Not - that's interesting, what you say. A friend of mine is having a baby in a not-very-typical situation, and I'm also wondering if she might end up feeling a bit out of things. She's much earlier in her pregnancy at the moment, though.

We're not in London, sadly.

This thread is really helpful calming my jitters, btw. So I hope it wasn't self-indulgent, because it was very reassuring!

nordic - thanks! And for sharing your experience.

Btw I don't now when she's nearly 5 y old normally even remember or think about not having carried her . It doesn't really come up so maybe once the pregnancy is over you will feel less like the odd one out . You'll just be the baby's mummy and the rest doesn't matter . These things are complicated emotionally . I have to say the surrogacy was a bit of a mf if you start thinking about it too much .for us it was a positive experience though and we hope to keep in touch with our surrogate long term if possible so our daughter can meet her one day again when she's grown up if she wants to.

You're welcome ! You've snapped me out of my hibernation 😁I haven't posted here for a year or two now but this caught my eye .

I suppose how much you think it's equal after baby is born depends on 1) whether you breastfeed and 2) how high needs your baby is.

As a natural term breastfeeder who had high needs babies the whole 'it'll be different once the baby is here' thing doesn't resonate with me at all. I think you should be prepared for that OP. I guess having done NCT you'll know all about 4th trimester etc but some babies are serious about that shit.

Hmm that's tricky. DH and the other dads in our NCT group have a WhatsApp group and do have some "dads" meet ups. I think certainly at the pregnancy stage they bonded over being the non-pregnant partner. And the mums equivalent was usually about pregnancy related things. I think for the first few months as well, when we were all on mat leave, it was sometimes a place for the mums to vent about how different and difficult things were for them. The dads would share anecdotes about babies, our hormones, ask each other about sleeping etc, but they were all still working full time, where we were all primary carers at that point. So our experiences were very different and the conversations reflected that. I wonder if you could join both groups now/start a partners group rather than dads. There may be a lot of pregnancy chat amongst the women now but that won't last forever, and you can be more part of the partners group now whilst not missing out on meet ups with the mums when the babies arrive?

I can see why you are feeling strange. Don't feel hard on yourself for feeling that way, I bet it's common for women in your situation. And it's not as easy as me saying 'you don't have to join any group' because your partner is there and understandably you will want that too.

I really, really, really think you should ask to go in the mum's group. Ask your dp to privately message one of the admins and explain your situation and ask if it would be ok for you to join. If you feel odd once you're in there you can always leave. And once the baby is here you'll have so much more important things to think of. I made friends by going regularly to baby and toddler groups and things once she was born. And again, I would not consider it special treatment or feel in any way inappropriate if you were in a mum's group I was in, and I don't think others would either.

LRD, these things are HARD. Don't let anybody tell you that you are overthinking things - you aren't.

The thing is that as a same sex or even single woman having a child, there are SO many subtle ways society reminds you that you do not fully 'belong' - it's things like packs of babygros and vests with 'I love mummy' and 'I love daddy' printed on them, and yes everyone might insist 'overthinking: just don't buy those' and of course you don't, but there is no equivalent. Baby books have sections dedicated to dad and his family. I could go on.

I don't think any of us care particularly but the worry is always 'well, if I am feeling this, will my child?'

It is tricky and I think all you can do is what you are doing which is open and honest and smiling and confident about it all.

From what you've said, I think that it would be entirely appropriate for your DP to ask if you could be included in the group.

There are reasons why it might not be appropriate, but the main one of those would be that your DP might want a private group in which she can moan about you when pregnancy/postnatal stuff all gets too much, or that the other women might feel uncomfortable discussing intimate body changes with someone who is on the outside. But I don't think that either of those seem to apply in your case.

It is a tricky one, because during pregnancy and the first three months or so after the birth your role will be quite similar to that of a father, in that you will be the person supporting your DP so that she can support the baby. But after that (and possibly sooner depending on how the baby is fed) the bio stuff becomes a lot less important, and if you end up at home while your DP goes back to work, then you will need the network of other parents. Having said that, I made all my parenting friends after my children were born, and am not in touch with any of my antenatal group, so it probably doesn't make a long term difference, and the problem is that you need a supportive group during the pregnancy.

First of all hooooge congrats on the baby I guess the group should be partners of... rather than dads but you feeling lonely is really sad you want to chat about stuff too but as a pp suggested join the mums group I am sorry you feel left out lovey maybe see if there is any other online forums for parents to be you might findother women,

Fwiw I dont think you are over thinking it either

nordic - oh, glad you're de-hibernated, then!

That's lovely about your daughter. I think I am lucky as I don't feel strange about DP carrying our DD. It honestly just feels very natural - so long as we're not with other people who make me aware it's not!

batteries - I absolutely take that point. DP is hoping we can do mixed feeding at some point, but obviously all bets are off at this stage.

Ilike - yes, I think the dads are mostly (all?) taking two weeks and no more, which feels like another difference.

diamond - thank you so much for saying that.

Of course you are a mum too! I think you should have the choice to join either group or both groups, not to feel pushed out.

Perhaps you've been overlooked, rather than actively excluded? Surely no-one would have a problem with you joining the mums' group, or if they did, they'd be outvoted by a long way by the sensible, inclusive people. And it can't just be down to one person to exclude you, regardless of who is an admin of the group or not. If you make it known you'd like to join, I reckon the most likely answer will be "of course, that would be great!"

in simple terms she is not the Mum, she wont be giving birth and she wont be BF

I really disagree with that definition of what a mum is. There are mums who adopt, mums who have a child through surrogacy, and mums who can't breastfeed or decide not to. I've certainly never heard any woman in one of those situations say they're not their child's mum!

The groups are clearly for socialising and support, as well as discussing the physical aspects of pregnancy and birth.

Oh and you are not "overthinking", you are thinking, which is natural and much healthier than trying not to think.

Join the Mum's group!
Congratulations

I must say that being the whole pregnancy/birth/baby stage brought into relief gender differences that I have never experienced or thought about before. I found it all quite strange as I've never socialised in groups that are gender segregated, I have never had a relationship with DH which conforms to gender stereotypes. So even as a pregnant heterosexual woman with a male partner I felt a bit disoriented. I can only imagine how disorientated you must feel and I don't think you are 'overthinking'.

I am the biological mother of two DS and my wife is the non biological mother. We are two mums and both get included in mums things.
Join the mums group - you are a mum.

I don't know about the group but I would automatically assume that if it had been our NCT group that if you wanted to you would joined the mums group. As an aside NCT is great but 8 yrs in I'm only in contact with 4/8 parents.

Not surprised you feel out of place, because your experience is different.
I don't think you should be joining the mums group. Yes you are a mum too, but their experiences will be different to yours, as you are not going through pregnancy and labour.

Sometimes we can pretend to ourselves that our experiences are just like others, but in some situations such as yours, that is simply not true. I would try to find a face book group for lesbian mothers and talk in there to them. You will have some issues come up that do not affect straight couples.