Why do I feel odd about this? Non biological parent and 'dads'

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

My DP is expecting our first baby. She got pregnant partly because I have a history of miscarriage, which is being investigated at the moment. So far there's no definite indications of why it happens, but some tests have come up positive and so they're continuing to check things out.

Obviously, we're thrilled about the baby and I honestly don't feel the tiniest bit that she isn't mine. In fact we both regularly forget she won't inherit anything genetic from me. However, I feel a bit odd about the mental 'boxes' people put me in. We just did NCT, and we had a lovely teacher who was falling over herself to be inclusive, and everyone else there was really nice and friendly. Now we've finished the classes we were encouraged to set up little facebook groups - a general one, one for dads and one for mums. Perhaps predictably, the general one is silent, there's one for mums which DP tells me is full of chatter, and as far as I know, there isn't one for dads at all because no one's set it up. Or, of course, they have and I just don't know. I could set it up myself, but I'm a bit nervous, firstly because I know someone in the same situation as me who had men complain they couldn't talk freely in front of her, and partly because ... and this is bad ... I just don't feel as if I have so much in common with the men. Rationally, I know we share a lot of common ground, and they're all nice, but I feel out of place. And obviously I don't fit with the mums either. And I feel oddly lonely.

I am not generally one for language policing and so my issue isn't that I mind people talking about 'the dads' and including me, or referring to me as 'honorary dad'. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I just don't feel as if I have the same experiences as them.

I am sure this will all fly out of my mind once the baby's born and I'll be far too busy and sleepless to think about anything so trivial. But can anyone sort of understand why I'm feeling out of place, and help me figure it out?

I think nice hetero people dislike making assumptions about same sex relationships - so that might be why you weren't invited to the mums group. I'd get your partner to ask if you can join.

Congratulations! We had a same sex couple in our NCT group. The lady carrying the baby was in the mum whatsapp and we asked which the other would prefer.
She originally joined the dads and left, then joined the mums and left. But, she'd still come to all the meet ups that we had in the first year. Her partner said she found it hard in either. Like you mention, was a bit fed up of the "lad banter" and the dad's group pretty much fell flat on it's face, but didn't feel like she was comfortable in the Mum's given we were all talking about pain, hard days on our own etc.
She did shared parental leave, and once her partner went back to work, she took over and joined the mum's group again.
Do whatever feels right for you, no one will take any issue with it, you're still a Mother.

....and talking about when you can start having sex again.

You'd think they'd have higher priorities to worry about.

lurking - thank you for the support. I think what's tricky is that I don't find them to be negative or small minded. They're such nice people and I was feeling really pleased that we'd been lucky to get a group we all get on with.

muse - we're both taking time off.

Can you ask your dp to add you to the mum's group? You will be the babies mother too. Honestly I think it would be a bit odd if you started a dad's group (well if it was named that). Actually you could start a group for partners if you don't feel comfortable in the mum group. But I'd welcome you to a mum group if I was in one and I'm sure others would too.

The pregnancy seems such a large part of parenting now but as time goes on it will become less and less dominant. We have friends who are lesbian mothers & friends who are both male parents, we call the double female couple the mummies & the double male the daddies. You are the mother just as much as the birth mother, that is the name given to female parents in our society. I'm sorry things feel awkward now & hope that they become easier.

I guess it depends on what the groups are for. If you label them "birth-giving partner" and "non-birth-giving partner" then it's obvious which you should join. But equally I can understand you wanting the support of other women. I think it's 100% your choice and you should be welcomed in either. Personally I suspect you'll find more common ground in terms of the pregnancy with the dads' group as you'll be able to talk about supporting your partner through labour, post-birth etc etc. But maybe it's worth trying both and seeing how it goes?

well in simple terms she is not the Mum, she wont be giving birth and she wont be BF, I am sorry if that's blunt but tis the truth. and I think listening to them bemoan their sore bits etc. might make her feel left out

OP please don't worry about this short term NCT group issue, its really a small issue and it causes many many people angst in one way or another.
In fact I think NCT bloody causes more angst than its worth

you will in time find your owns friends regardless of their set up , and I would definitely seek out couples in similar positions- and see what friendships develop naturally, presumably you will be at work anyway right?

Also (sorry for double post) you are 100% a mum and nobody would bat an eyelid an an adoptive mum joining the mums group despite not giving birth, so there's an argument there, too. Essentially join whichever you feel more comfortable in!

Hi OP and congratulations!

My partner and I had our DD 3 years ago. Bit of a different situation because I was the pregnant one but OH is the genetic mum, having 'donated' her egg to me. We did NCT as well and the partners group is still active now. They generally do a pub quiz or something about once a month. Is your NCT course finished? Our teacher encouraged us to set up our facebook/whatsapp groups before we left on the last day.

You will probably find that the distinctions get blurred, as at the moment it is all about the pregnant ladies, then it will be birth stories, then breastfeeding sagas etc. A couple of the Dads in our group did shared parental leave, so were more a part of the mums group for a while.

There's no reason why you can't set up a partners group, or maybe your OH could nudge one of the other mums to get their OH to set it up? Try not to be put off as once you get past the initial weirdness, and it is all inherently weird, you could make some friends for life.

Just one word of warning about being put in boxes - by far the worst chapter of our lesbian parenting 'journey' was when we were in hospital having DD. I'm pregnant again and already dreading this. Midwives and nurses would never seem to register that OH was the other parent and people were always trying to throw her out of the ward on the basis that visiting hours were over. Also, even consultants would talk to me and not her as if she wasn't involved in the slightest, even after meeting us both before. I really hope this doesn't happen to you, and you can be more assertive than we were!

Where in the country are you based, if you don't mind me asking? xx

Do adoptive parents do NCT classes? So much of it seemed geared around pregnancy, labour and childbirth.

You should be in the mums group. You will be a mum. Join that group.
Or find a different online group if you don't want to join the pg group

Set up or look for a group for expectant persons. That's a completely open label. The BMA should be able to point you in the right direction

In all seriousness, personally, I think you should join the mums group, you'll still be a mum.

I'd also join the mum group. I think at the antenatal stage it's probably a bit more awkward because a lot of what they are chatting about will be pregnancy, but once the babies are here the talk will be all about the babies and you'll be on an equal footing with them all (with the possible exception of breastfeeding I guess). So why should you miss out on having a group of friends with babies to hang out with, just because it's your partner giving birth?

Apologies if I've missed this, but what does your partner think? I don't really understand why she hasn't added you into the group already!

bear, that's really reassuring, thank you!

We have been quite lucky so far in terms of medical people - DP has made it really clear on her birth plan who I am, and so on, so fingers crossed that'll be ok. That's really awful that they were throwing your DP out of the room. Though we were worried about that as someone I know (and admittedly, this would be over ten years ago) actually had the midwife tell her to get out because the birth was getting complicated and they only had room for the partner.

We're in Cambridge, which should be lesbian mum central really! But still.

Do adoptive parents do NCT classes? So much of it seemed geared around pregnancy, labour and childbirth.

I can't imagine that they would, especially as most people adopting have older children?

FWIW very little of the course content was relevant to me, as by the time we were on our course I knew I would have to have an elective CS. We were the only lesbians and I was the only one out of 8 women to have a CS, but for me it was all about making local friends.

swear - I don't think she has admin privileges. She'd rather have me in the group. When we started doing NCT, we explained that as I'm still hoping to be able to manage a pregnancy eventually (fingers crossed), we were both wanting to understand about that side of things. And the first session I came with her in the mum's group because she said it seemed better, but after that it was basically assumed I would want to be with the dads.

I think we're both thinking that raising it could be seen as asking for special treatment. I don't want special treatment, I just want to feel a bit less out on my own. But, I feel really encouraged by people saying it'll all naturally shift around after the birth.

Oh reading more I see you probably wouldn't feel right in a dad's/partner's group no matter what it was named because it would still be you and a load of dads.

I am sure you would be welcomed in the mum's group but I can see you may also feel out of place there.

Personally, I didn't do NCT or antenatal classes, I just stuck to mumsnet. We can be your group! I know you're already here and already know this but it's a great place for support and advice...Unless it's me posting. I do try.

bear - yes, we wanted to go to make local friends.

This will pass i think. The group is now for pregnancy support, and you aren't pregnant so it doesn't feel right to join. But when the baby is born the group will become about supporting women bringing up babies. And then you will feel right to join and so will everyone else. Just wait. Pregnancy is a tiny part of this journey.

First of all congratulations!
Secondly, as many have said, join the Mum's group, you are still a Mum. Just flit in and out as you feel comfortable. They probably haven't invited you because they've assumed that you're in the 'partners' group and have probably labelled it in their heads as that, rather than Dad's group.

How are you managing parental leave? Will you be working or at home in the early months?

I found our NCT mums chats were initially about pregnancy birth and breastfeeding but soon became more about the day-to-day business of looking after a baby and arranging coffees during maternity leave, so would be equally applicable to mums and dads

As a female I think it'd be fine for you to be in the mums group - other mums won't feel inhibited about talk about bleeding or cracked nipples with you in the group and you'll be able emphathise even if you're not going through it yourself.

open, that's really kind. And I do love MN, and I am so grateful than MN is really really inclusive. As I say, there's a MN antenatal group and they invited me in, which is brilliant. And now saying that I feel as if I'm greedily trying to say 'gimme all the groups, I need many many many places'. Which I'm not. I'm just trying to understand for myself why this would bother me.

Thanks dawn.

bub - winging it, TBH. My job ended at the end of last year, and during that time I worked a second job for a few months to save money. Now I'm freelancing and bringing in a little more, but it's nothing like full time. I am also trying to write a book from home, and in my line of work this ought to help me get another job. With all of that, we can afford for us both to be off for a few months. We are really lucky to have that, I know.

Then DP plans to go back, and if I don't have a job by then, I will be the SAHM.

I wouldn't view it as special treatment. I don't think people would think that.