Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being grabby?

148 replies

winefixeswhine · 09/02/2017 07:31

I'm having a joint birthday party for my 5 and 2 yr olds. I was going to make cute joint invites with "x is 5, y is 2" theme but my mother thinks people (particularly school friends) will decline because they will think I expect two gifts. This hadn't crossed my mind and my Mum has form for assuming she's being taken advantage of by all people at all times, so aibu to put both children on all invites?

OP posts:
user1477282676 · 09/02/2017 23:47

Blue but then it's not a joint party is it? You're just tagging your DD onto your son's party which isn't fair on her or the others.

picklemepopcorn · 10/02/2017 06:13

When I did a semi joint party, I invited the younger half from 3-5 and the older half 4.30-6.30. We did the cake and food in the overlap. We had a bouncy castle and flattened it for the crossover so little ones weren't flattened by big 'uns.

mathanxiety · 10/02/2017 06:50

The mother of twins in my DD1's class always issued separate invitations for each girl, even though the party was always a joint one. Half the invitees got one girl's invitations and half got the rest. This was to make sure nobody felt obliged to buy two gifts.

mathanxiety · 10/02/2017 06:51

I would also have qualms about mingling 5 yos and 2 yos in the same party. It sounds like a recipe for disaster.

meganorks · 10/02/2017 07:19

I've thought about having a joint party for my 2 this year. Similar ages. But I've always thought that I would have to specify which child was inviting and not to buy presents for both. Practically speaking I would worry about the big and little running into each other so not sure how that would work. And then mine would like different partis really anyway: one with everyone they have ever met; one with just a few friends and ideally no singing happy birthday

clarehhh · 10/02/2017 15:27

Just one name per invitation otherwise people will feel they have to bring 2 gifts.

mammamic · 10/02/2017 15:30

Has OP disappeared? Anyway - you are clearly not being grabby and if anyone interprets a joint invite as being grabby, frankly that says more about them than you so I'd let them think what they want (including DM!).

Having said that, Birthdays are special days. Sharing the day is one thing but one invite is not something I would do. For the 2 yr old it doesn't matter much but for the 5 yr old - they should have their own invitation. And that way, no issue re presents.

Have to add, user1484750550 is hilarious. I can just hear the condescending haughty tone of my mother in those posts. Hilarious!

Curlyone123 · 10/02/2017 16:13

I have done this for 3 years and everyone generally just brings a present for the sibling that they are friends with.

Don't worry about it.

michelle0922 · 10/02/2017 16:15

Definitely best to be clear. My DD was invited to a party which was xs 6th party us 4th and it even said her parents 10th anniversary! Then the dad who knows my oh knew things were tight for us financially said they didn't mind if we just took cards to the party. Needless to say dd didn't go ar all. Made up an excuse about a family visit. Party politics!

ScarlettFreestone · 10/02/2017 16:21

We have twins. We actively try to cut down the number of presents we get so do three types of invites:

Jane invites you to Peter and Jane's birthday party

Or

Peter invites you to Peter and Jane's birthday party.

Or (for family)

Peter and Jane invite you to their birthday party

It works really well and most people only buy for the child inviting them.

IsSpringSprangedYet · 10/02/2017 16:52

I think I would be inclined to buy two presents but would buy a proper gift for the friend of my DC and then maybe just a small gift for the other child. Like lego for the 5 yr old and then a little colouring book or soft toy for the 2 year old. Only so one isn't left out. And then a card each.

mumof3boys33 · 10/02/2017 16:53

We have triplets in my sons year. They always have a half birthday as their birthday is near Christmas. I never know whether to buy them a present each or one to share. (My son isn't particularly friendly with any of them, they always invite both year groups in the class) Last year I got them a gift each but the year before I bought a game to share. It's always an expensive party. I know you don't give to receive but when they came to my sons birthday they gave a joint present from all of them.
But in your situation I might put joint party at the top, then the child's name and who they invite. Then people that don't know you well won't feel obliged to buy 2.

IsSpringSprangedYet · 10/02/2017 16:56

So no, I would say YANBU. You could always say 'gifts not expected at all, but no need to buy two' when you reply to their RSVP?

tiredofhavingtothinkofnewnames · 10/02/2017 16:56

2 and 5 is too big a gap for 1 party. Have 2 parties.

funkky · 10/02/2017 17:02

I got a joint party invite and only bought a present for the child in the same nursery with ds and not the sibling.
Unless I was a family friend and knew both kids I wouldn't buy two presents.

Want2bSupermum · 10/02/2017 17:20

Just make it no gifts to keep things simple. Gifts can come from family so they are getting something to open to celebrate their birthday.

Moving to no gift birthday parties has been the best thing I have ever done as a parent. Many on here think I am a mean mummy for it but it works out great for my family. Please try it on for size. You might be surprised how many more children turn up for your party and how the parents are on time because they aren't stopping off at the last minute to buy a present.

NoRoomForALittleOne · 10/02/2017 17:24

To answer your original question - you're not being grabby if you don't expect two gifts. We've done joint parties often but, it seems to work out easier for the parents of those being invited if only one name is on the invitation. It can be awkward otherwise, especially if money is tight but the parents feel obliged to bring gifts (really wish they would just come and enjoy the party!). You can do the cute joint invitations for family and family friends.

Babybeesmama · 10/02/2017 17:28

Whenever I've taken DD to a joint party & just split the amount I would've spend on one in half.. so eg they both get a £5 gift.. I don't think it sounds grabby at all! I know some people split gifts so would write on 'please only buy a gift for ----' x

victoriahaviland · 10/02/2017 17:31

2 separate invitations, no need to mention one or other party, just more fun in the surpise of it.

flyingspaghettimonster · 10/02/2017 17:47

I did a joint party for my 7 and 5 year old and I put them both equally on the invites sent to both classes. I felt justified because I had specified that the whole family could attend, kids and parents, not just the friend the invite was for... this was because it was at a farm 40 minutes away and so really a family day out. It backfired a bit as I didn't realise I had to pay for wristbands for the parents as well as other siblings, so we had over 120 guests to pay for, but it was a lovely event and both kids received gifts from most people. I felt that the huge booty bags and foil balloons and pony rides, animal feed buckets and professional photos of their kids meant I wasn't being too grabby... if it was a little party at home I wouldn't have put both kids on the invites.

jaenee68 · 10/02/2017 17:59

Hi
Seeing as being 'grabby' probably not but it IS confusing/unhelpful to invitees parents. I have declined accepting parties in the past whereby there is more than one birthday child as it puts you in an awckward position, do u just buy present for the child your child speaks to most, what do you do if he/she speak/plays with both or all of them. It's awkward to ask the parent so it is easier to just decline.

Best ti do separate invites for each child- its the polite/helpful thing to do!

mummyhappiness · 10/02/2017 18:07

My ds was at a friends birthday party last Sunday. It was a joint party with the friends little sister. The mother did send out joint invites but it didn't occur to me to buy a pressi for both. 😕
At the end of the party when I was collecting my DS. I met another mother who did buy for both children.

SovietKitsch · 10/02/2017 18:11

Recently had a joint birthday for my two DSs. Did a joint invite. No one, not one single person brought a present for the child that wasn't their friend. I think it is a non-issue!

SovietKitsch · 10/02/2017 18:12

It didn't even occur to me anyone might!

Blu99 · 10/02/2017 18:21

I agree with Rainbow Queen and I'd also add that if your 5yr classmates have siblings the same age, as 2 yr old, then they're welcome to come along. If you can accommodate, that is.