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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being grabby?

148 replies

winefixeswhine · 09/02/2017 07:31

I'm having a joint birthday party for my 5 and 2 yr olds. I was going to make cute joint invites with "x is 5, y is 2" theme but my mother thinks people (particularly school friends) will decline because they will think I expect two gifts. This hadn't crossed my mind and my Mum has form for assuming she's being taken advantage of by all people at all times, so aibu to put both children on all invites?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2017 10:31

Whenever we've received similar invitations, they always write 'if you would like to bring a gift, please only bring one for the child you know.' On the invite.

5inabed · 09/02/2017 10:31

We had a joint party for my daughter and my niece on the invitation it said x and x are having a party please come along as x's guest I think that's a nicer way of saying you only need to bring one gift although a lot of people brought both girls a present.

VintagePerfumista · 09/02/2017 10:37

If I received a joint one, I would presume I was expected to bring 2 gifts and I would raise and eyebrow, especially if I had no connection to the other child.

stoopido · 09/02/2017 10:49

When we get joint birthday party invites I only buy for the child I know, unless of course I know both!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/02/2017 10:51

iots a fact, not grabby

its for both of them!

and don't write no presents, why would you do that? !?!

the perk is most can be used to refit saving you $$$ in the future

NeverNic · 09/02/2017 12:07

I'd buy gifts for the children we knew. Went to a joint party last weekend and bought for the child we knew. I went to a joint birthday for siblings last year and they each got a gift, because as a family we knew both plus our children are the same age, and each are friends with each other iykwim.

NeverNic · 09/02/2017 12:10

On the flip side, we invited twins to our son's party (friends with both). He ended up getting a larger value present, plus a few smaller pocket money type presents wrapped up together in another parcel as both children wanted to get him a gift. Was totally not expecting that he would get a gift to open from both of them.

Unmarriedhousewife · 09/02/2017 12:27

You can't win here. If you don't put both dc someone will be embarrassed/ upset they didn't know and don't have a token gift for the other child. If you put both someone will think it's grabby, someone will feel obliged to bring a gift for both

Lazyafternoon · 09/02/2017 12:28

If I were you I'd do two separate lots of invitations. One for each child. Maybe title it X & Ys birthday party, but then word it from each child - e.g. X would like to invite you to his birthday party! Love from X's mummy.

I think I've had similar when invited to joint parties. It's mentioned that it is a joint party, but clear which child you have received the invite from IYSWIM
I buy a normal present for the child the invitation is from and a small token (couple of pounds - small book, lego blind bag etc) for the other child. But present for 2nd child certainly not expected.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 09/02/2017 12:31

I would send one set of invitations out for the 2 year old's friends and one set for the 5 year old's friends.

MerryMarigold · 09/02/2017 12:37

I have twins. They have different friends. We've done joint parties a couple of times and I used to tell people verbally: no need to bring presents for both of them. I don't think it is a huge assumption to make that they will bring a present, so just wanted them to feel ok about only bringing for the child that their child is friends with.

missperegrinespeculiar · 09/02/2017 12:49

I have not read the whole thread, so sorry if point has already been made, we have this every time as DCs have very close birthdays and lots of common fiends. We worried about this for the friends who were not in common IYSWIM, so we sent separate invites to them (e.g. school friends) but we had a number of people quite annoyed at not being told that it was a shred birthday as they felt embarrassed not to have bought a present for one of the children. Our solution is to state it's a joint birthday but say that a shared present would be very welcome as our DCs don't really separate toys at all and always play together (this is true, they don't even really know whose toy it is after a while!). This has worked well, I have noticed that people whose kids are friends with both of ours tend to buy a bigger present, so they feel it is like two presents I guess, while the others buy just one, smaller shared present, which is really just like one.

bruffin · 09/02/2017 13:04

Ive had joint parties as there is 5 days between dd and ds birthday and presents have never been an issue, ds friends bought presents for him and dds for her, cant remember how invites were phrased tbh.

skincarejunkie · 09/02/2017 13:14

Just send the invitation! It's lovely to be invited to a party, especially a joint one. You guys know how to sap the fun and innocence out of things! People will buy as they feel they want to or not. This is a party for a combined age of 7... Not the Commons.

rogueantimatter · 09/02/2017 13:16

It wouldn't occur to me to think you were being grabby. It's for both their birthdays so it's very relevant to mention that. If the invitees arrive not knowing it's the sibling's birthday too wouldn't the sibling be put out.

I'd probably bring a gift for the sibling my DC was closest to and a token gift for the other.

TBH I used to think that one of the drawbacks to having a large party for DC must be to get a lot of clutter I mean presents.

SpartacusWoman · 09/02/2017 13:28

I wouldn't think you were grabby at all, I'd think you were trying to avoid the cost and stress of planning two seperate parties, pretty sensible really :)

I wouldn't decline but would buy two gifts if the party is for two children. If they were closer in age then I'd spend a little extra than I would for one gift and try buy a joint gift that they can use together, board games etc.

ILoveDolly · 09/02/2017 13:31

I have frequently had joint parties, with dcs or with a dc and friends. I just assumed people would bring whatever presents they wanted, sometimes people have popped a fiver in a card or whatever. I don't keep tabs, just made a note of who needed a thank you cards if they brought a present. It did not occur to me that someone might not come to the party if they couldn't bring a present. I feel a bit crap now. Don't want to exclude people.

user1484750550 · 09/02/2017 13:33

I am confused. Surely you would expect 2 gifts as there are 2 children.

I have been to joint birthday parties before (for 2 siblings that had birthdays close together,) and of course I bought them a gift each.

Why on earth would anyone only buy for the one?

Am I missing something?

Screwinthetuna · 09/02/2017 13:33

Put only eldest child's name on their friend's invitations and youngest on theirs. For any family and close friends, add both.

Starlight2345 · 09/02/2017 13:34

My DS has been to a couple of joint parties ( not siblings) one my DS didn't know the other child so bought nothing, the other my DS received invite so bought present for his friend and just a card for other child.

In your situation I would do separate invites for nursery and school friends and joint for family and family friends.

MagicChicken · 09/02/2017 13:46

I think to guard against any misunderstandings or assumptions about gifts, you should not send joint invitations.

bumsexatthebingo · 09/02/2017 13:50

Surprised so many people would buy a gift for a child they don't know. I think my kids would find that a little weird tbh if they received a gift from a child and parent they'd never met. And I usually try to get something I know the child would like when buying a gift.

toptoe · 09/02/2017 13:54

2 separate invites. I'd consider sep parties next year too. It's just I shared with a sibling and it never felt like my special day...although there were other reasons for that. It might be your dc like to share, in which case it makes sense

Wixi · 09/02/2017 13:55

We had an invitation for two sisters (5 and 7). My daughter is friends with one of the sisters so was invited as her friend, and that was who we bought a present for. The other girls friends did not buy a present for the sister they were not friends with.

user1484750550 · 09/02/2017 13:59

My DS has been to a couple of joint parties ( not siblings) one my DS didn't know the other child so bought nothing, the other my DS received invite so bought present for his friend and just a card for other child. In your situation I would do separate invites for nursery and school friends and joint for family and family friends.

Hmmm yeah, thinking about it, I guess I would definitely buy 2 pressies if it were siblings, but it (for example,) the girl across the road was 10 next week and she had a joint party at The Bowling Alley, with say, 1 or 2 friends from school I had never met, then I wouldn't buy for the other 2 because I don't know them.

But if it were 2 kids in my street having a joint party, and I knew them equally, then I would buy for the 2 yes... And I would definitely buy for 2 siblings that were having a joint party. I mean, surely if you knew the one, you would know the other?!

However, the OP does specify that the party is for 2 siblings. So yes I would be buying 2 gifts. Not sure why you wouldn't tbh.