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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being grabby?

148 replies

winefixeswhine · 09/02/2017 07:31

I'm having a joint birthday party for my 5 and 2 yr olds. I was going to make cute joint invites with "x is 5, y is 2" theme but my mother thinks people (particularly school friends) will decline because they will think I expect two gifts. This hadn't crossed my mind and my Mum has form for assuming she's being taken advantage of by all people at all times, so aibu to put both children on all invites?

OP posts:
CheerfulMuddler · 09/02/2017 14:10

Put only eldest child's name on their friend's invitations and youngest on theirs. For any family and close friends, add both.

This. Put Oliver is 5, Amelia is 2 on the outside, and inside put Oliver would like to invite Joe to his 5th birthday party. If it's for family put Oliver and Amelia would like to invite Grandma. If people want to buy joint presents, that's fine, but if they don't I think that should be clear enough that only one child is inviting their child to the party.

Maryann1975 · 09/02/2017 14:12

We've been to two joint parties recently with dd. The first was siblings, one age 5, the other age 4. The other was cousins, aged 5 and 3. In both cases, we didn't know it was a joint party until we got there. If you don't know there is no expectation to bring a present for the other child. It wasn't awkward or weird, it was just a joint party, where the parents had decided to have a joint celebration for whatever reason (probably financial). Dd was lucky to go the party. I'm not sure anyone holds birthday parties so their child gets lots of presents (at least I don't, the kids have enough stuff filling their rooms) so I'm sure the parents aren't expecting both children to get a gift if they aren't known well to the guest.

Mrsnjg · 09/02/2017 14:17

You don't sound grabby at all! Have a great day!

arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2017 14:21

User1484 - regarding your 'confusion' as to why you wouldnt buy 2 presents.
Maybe they can't afford to buy 2 presents?

empirerecordsrocked · 09/02/2017 14:22

There's lots of joint parties in dts class - invites from both and we buy presents for both. I have twins so that makes 4 presents for a joint party. At their joint party the invites were from both of them and people brought presents for both of them.

Thank god we seem to be moving away from whole class parties now.

museumum · 09/02/2017 14:35

I would do one invite with all the info. Otherwise if you just put x and y's birthdays i'd be wondering who the hell y is. If you say he's 2 it's more obvious it's a sibling.
If you just gave me an x's birthday invite and i turned up to drop him only to find a whole load of staying parents (i assume the 2yr old's friends will have a parent with them) then i'd be a bit wary, wondering what's happening and if i have to stay too.

presents are not my first thought when accepting or not, it's more can we make it, will my ds enjoy it, do we know who the birthday child is, do we know their parents, where is it.
then i'd probably get a 'proper' present for the 5yr old and a token one for the 2yr old.

Giddyaunt18 · 09/02/2017 14:39

I would assume that I am to buy for the child my child is friends with if I don't know the other child.

bumsexatthebingo · 09/02/2017 14:47

The only time I've ever bought for both was when it was a joint party for 2 kids in dd's class and she was friends with both. I would buy for a sibling as well if they we were friends with the family and knew the sibling. For a child I'd never met/didn't know? No way - it would seem weird.

user1484750550 · 09/02/2017 15:44

Re comments by 'arethereanyleftatall'

User1484 - regarding your 'confusion' as to why you wouldnt buy 2 presents. Maybe they can't afford to buy 2 presents?

Anyone can afford 2 presents (for 2 children.) Just take what you would have spent on one (say ten or twelve quid,) and split in two. Ergo, get them something for £5-6 each. There are tons of things you can get for this amount from many shops including home bargains, b & m, primark, tesco, asda, the works, and so on... and even the entertainer and smyths sell stuff for around this amount too.

For around £5-6, you can get a jigsaw, a paint-by-numbers, a colouring book/puzzle book and pack of pens, a small beanie, a small doll, a personalised mug, a box of roses or quality street, a soft toy, slippers, socks, a t-shirt, a friendship bracelet or bead making kit, earrings or some kind of jewellery from 'Claires,' a child's novel, a poster or photo of their favourite video game star or pop star, (or a keyring or mug with said star's face on,) etc etc. There are loads of things you can get for girls AND boys for £5-6.

As I said, if I knew both children, (and particularly if they were siblings as in the OP,) no WAY would I only be buying for the one. That's just mean IMO.

Notso · 09/02/2017 15:46

DC2 has a classmate who's sibling is three years younger their birthdays are a day apart. They have had three joint parties (youngest is 3) and invitation has both children on it. I buy a gift for his classmate and a token one for the sibling.
He has another classmate who's siblings birthday is also within a week of theirs. They do a joint party but the invitation comes from the classmate and the siblings invitations are to their friends. I still buy two gifts as I have a child who knows each party host but I'm the only one who does that.

user1484750550 · 09/02/2017 15:46

Re the post above my last one ^ No I wouldn't buy for the other child if I didn't know them, but the OP is about 2 siblings. And if you knew one, why on earth would you not know the other??? And why would you only buy for one sibling anyway? As I said, it's just mean IMO.

pilates · 09/02/2017 16:00

I would do separate invites.

bumsexatthebingo · 09/02/2017 16:09

If it was a class party I wouldn't necessarily know the siblings of all the kids in my kids class. I only know them if I mix with the parents out of school or if they happen to be in one of my other kids classes.

Hersetta427 · 09/02/2017 16:19

I would do two invitations if it were me but to be honest if DS got an invitation for one of his 5 year old classmates birthday party which they were sharing with a younger sibling, I wouldn't buy a present for the sibling. I would see it as convenience and cost saving for the parents - my child has no ties to the 2 yr old so would feel no obligation to buy them a gift.

Cleanermaidcook · 09/02/2017 16:38

You don't sound grabby, however if i knew it was a joint party I would feel obliged to buy for bth children even if i didn't know one of them.
There have been a few joint parties that dc's have been invited to, they have been worded A and B are having a party. A would like to invite you, please don't feel you need to bring a gift but if you want to please just buy for A
(yes i still buy for both, just can't leave one out)

penguincrumble · 09/02/2017 16:44

I've been to a 4 way joint party and held a 3 way one. In both cases people just brought presents for the child/ren they knew. Don't worry about sounding grabby it should be obvious.

Floggingmolly · 09/02/2017 16:45

As Hersetta said; but I'd also wonder why you were broadcasting the totally irrelevant fact that a two year old sibling was sharing the party, if not to signal that I might wish to give him a gift too.

Tessabelle74 · 09/02/2017 17:00

My daughter and her friend are having a joint party, the class invites are joint ones but they have both invited seperate friends too, we have just put love from whichever girl at the bottom of the specific ones. My son has been invited to a joint one with brothers and it's a "boy 1 is 10 and boy 2 is 7" type invite but the mum has just jotted on the back that boy 2 would love to see you so I shall assume I only need to buy a present for boy 2

TickettyBoo · 09/02/2017 18:51

We were invited to a joint party for siblings and I just bought a gift for dd's class friend - didn't occur to me to buy for a second child I didn't really know.

Purplehonesty · 09/02/2017 20:33

Hmm we went to a joint party recently and although only one child was a friend of ds we still took a gift for both of them. Actually money in an envelope as i had no idea what to buy for them

CeeceeBloomingdale · 09/02/2017 21:15

We've always had joint parties. DD#1 sends invitations to her friends, DD#2 sends out invitations to her friends. Many intitees don't realise it's a joint party, it's not expected to buy gifts for the other sibling then. They do have two sets of sibling friends though (both sets are very good friends and buy for both DDs anyway), but then one is invited by dd#1 and other by dd#2.

bellie710 · 09/02/2017 21:25

I would give 2 year old invites to his friends and 5 year old to his friends, saves anyone expecting to buy presents for a child they don't really know?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 09/02/2017 21:27

I know someone who deliberately put both names on the invites in the hope the younger one would get extra presents, so no, only the name of the child who's friend it is.

blueteapot · 09/02/2017 21:29

Joint party here too, we just put his name only on 4yo DS school friends invites to avoid anyone thinking they should also bring 2yo DD a gift

HLBug · 09/02/2017 22:06

But if you didn't put on the invite that the party is for two separate age groups wouldn't you be a bit Hmm when you arrived?

I.e would the parents of the other 2 y.o.'s feel comfortable with a load of 5 y.o.'s running round, and vice versa? Also the issue of supervision a PP has mentioned- if you were the parent of a 5.y.o and saw lots of other adults had stayed wouldn't you be a bit confused as to why?

What type of party is it OP? Apologies if I've missed this. E.g. Is it soft play (so two different age areas) or a big hall where everyone will play together?