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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
Monkeyinshoes · 08/02/2017 22:01

I would have to say no. My grandma buried my grandads ashes in the back garden, her ashes were buried with him when she died, before the house was sold. Now none of us can visit, none of my family would ever dream of asking the new owners. The fact they've asked you to do this makes me think they'll be asking to visit on birthdays/anniversaries/etc also. You'd be feeling that you can't relax and change your own garden.

Added to that, ashes are heavy and don't blow away easily. They also contain a lot of sodium, so if not thinly spread they can harm the grass and other plants. If you do let them you'd want the ashes to be buried or only a small amount scattered and the rest put somewhere more suitable for visiting.

FinallyDebtFree · 08/02/2017 22:01

As someone who used to work at a Crem, ashes are horrible things that don't just blow away.

There's quite a lot and no they aren't discarded at all (can't remember who said they were)

I would say no as they will kill anything that tries to grow as they're quite toxic not the green matter people seem to think. When they get wet they turn into a cement type substance, if you do say yes then have them buried not scattered on the surface. Crematoria are not allowed to split ashes either

user892 · 08/02/2017 22:02

I feel it is quite helpful to get more comfortable with death as one ages

Definitely x

frozenfairy123 · 08/02/2017 22:03

Feel for u as this is a crap situation to be put in. I would feel Squamish about it but would possibly allow a potted plant with ashes in the pot to be left in the garden for a while? That way they could remove it if wanted and u could remove it if it makes u feel uncomfortable? X

Palomb · 08/02/2017 22:03

I'd say yes and have no problem with it whatsoever. I don't think my children would be upset by it either, in fact I think they would both be able to see that it was a pretty wonderful thing to be able to do.

witwootoodleoo · 08/02/2017 22:03

tinsel twins I'd let them do it and then go back to using the garden exactly we I had before quite happily :)

CommunionHelp · 08/02/2017 22:04

I'd say yes to burying the ashes, no to scattering them. I understand why people might say no, but I know how grief and loss can grip your heart in a thoroughly sentimental way.

I would encourage him to keep some in another place though, so that he could visit when he wanted to.

RortyCrankle · 08/02/2017 22:06

No way in hell would I say yes. What would come next? Annual pilgrimage? Wanting to plant a tree? I wouldn't wan't to breathe in dust from the ashes of a dead body.

Mumbyday · 08/02/2017 22:07

Perhaps you can suggest they plant her ashes with a rose or tree? If you don't mind the extra plant that is. It's endearing to know that your home (and garden) hold such precious memories. A family bound by love, now that's a story so delightful to pass on to your own children.

WeeWaspie · 08/02/2017 22:08

Maybe advise him to just do a little then choose a more accessible location for the rest?

When we did my dad's I was a little surprised at how much there actually was. We actually had an accident with the urn which meant the majority of dear old Pa came out very quickly in a mound under his favorite bench which we then had to try and spread but the old bugger stuck around forever. He would have found it amusing as we tried to sweep him around

TowerRavenSeven · 08/02/2017 22:11

Slightly OT but my mother is buried in a cemetery across the country. Our visits are quick affairs and we have only visited the cemetary once in 6 years. Last year I placed a gravestone with my parents names on it in a far corner of our backyard. They are not there physically but they are in thought and I get to 'visit' and put flowers there whenever I want. Plus if we move I can take it with me. Thought it might help someone else 'separated' from their loved ones.

DevelopingDetritus · 08/02/2017 22:11

I'd say that it's wrong to even risk putting this emotional burden on another person.
To even risk making someone distressed about remains resigning permanently in their property. I agree, I think it's selfish.

I feel it is quite helpful to get more comfortable with death as one ages
I truly feel I am but this just doesn't sit well.

mimishimmi · 08/02/2017 22:12

I would do it. Every now and then I drive past the home of my childhood (up until I was 6) which is in a fairly isolated spot on the outskirts of my city. It was an old schoolhouse attached to a really old school with a church/cemetary across the road. There used to be a dairy farm next to it. Once we freaked out the owners but when I explained they were lovely. I mean no harm.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 08/02/2017 22:12

I would think the man and his children will have a clear idea of where in the garden they want to scatter her as they have a strong attachment to the garden as they remember it, rather than be happy with a specific corner or flowerbed.

The offering them soil from the garden idea is a really lovely one. I'd do this, and suggest a token small amount of ashes buried in the garden - buried rather than scattered - with offering them a tub of earth they can take. I'd be worried too about children playing on what will be in effect her grave, feeling responsible not to change the garden, and the family's likely need to return and visit, as well as the man very likely intending that his ashes will go there too with his wife's. My heart goes out to him, but I think it's an idea lovely in sentiment rather than practically.

gordonthegoader · 08/02/2017 22:13

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bluebeck · 08/02/2017 22:15

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

GabsAlot · 08/02/2017 22:18

i just wonder what he old have done if he had lived there whilst she died- scattered her ashes then moved

would he seriously ask to come back and visit and would people be ok with that

HyacinthsBucket · 08/02/2017 22:18

I wouldn't have an issue with them burying the ashes in the garden but I would have an issue with them coming back to visit and remember. And he is going to want to be with his wife at some point. I personally think it's a bit strange to turn your garden into someone's final resting place. (And after seeing my stepmums ashes scattered like cat litter around a tree in my dads garden after her death, I'd never agree.) What a horrid situation to be put in......

ph0ebe · 08/02/2017 22:19

Definitely don't suggest they bury them in your garden - that would then be a grave which they may want to visit. There's nothing to visit if its scattered.

Can you speak with another family member about it as hes obviously going to be grief striken at the moment - i would say Im happy for you to scatter some ashes or even hold a memorial service of sorts in the garden where they bring a large pot, place remaining ashes in & use soil from your garden to plant a (moveable) mini tree or something.
Its tricky because you can't dictate what they do with her but you can say youre worried about there being no permanent grave and you can't guarantee what will happen in the garden in future and you can't guarantee access to the garden for visits.
What an awful position for you to be in Flowers

nelipotter · 08/02/2017 22:19

Offer them a bucket of soil! Some of you people have no compassion. Would it really hurt so much to let them do it?
It is highly unlikely they will want to come back regularly. And if they came back once or twice a year so be it! You could even become friends - you know, that elusive 'community spirit' everyone is always so in favour of but unwilling to do anything towards.
You obviously have no idea about grief, and the ways in which we heal. You have been offered the opportunity to help someone ease the pain. I can only hope that someone offers you more generosity when your time of need comes.

crazycatlady25 · 08/02/2017 22:26

I wouldn't have an issue with this at all.
I would Infact make a little celebratory tea with sandwiches & nice biscuits.

Obviously this man & his wife were struggling to let go of the house & the memories it holds, which is only human nature.

I would see this as an opportunity to be kind to someone who has just lost his wife.

Your house your rules, but it would be a lovely gesture for you to accept & you would make that old man very very happy 😊

WrongTrouser · 08/02/2017 22:28

You obviously have no idea about grief

What a dreadful thing to say to someone you don't know Sad

DevelopingDetritus · 08/02/2017 22:31

You obviously have no idea about grief it's got nothing to do with that, how very dare you.

Trifleorbust · 08/02/2017 22:39

I'm going to be honest: if I said no, I think I would wake up in the night in twenty years and actually despise myself. Not keen to do that, so I would say yes.

stoopido · 08/02/2017 22:45

I don't think I would like it. Like others have said the ashes will be there for a while. I also don't agree with the comments of could you plant a tree or go out while they scatter the ashes? I wouldn't want to out and leave strangers in my garden and I wouldn't want someone turning up each year to collect a flower! I would just say no on the grounds that my children play in the garden and that it would be better for them to have somewhere they can visit.

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