To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

[Dottie39]

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

I wouldn't do this.

If he wants to either scatter or bury the ashes, you are looking at about four pounds worth for a woman. It's quite a lot. If you bury them, and you will need a large hole as anyone who uses bone meal will attest, they will not necessarily biodegrade. In fact, you might just end up with large clumps of ashy salty rock just under your top soil; this can kill plant life as ashes can have very high levels of sodium or phosphate in them.

The more environmentally friendly way in terms of soil and plant life to dispose of ashes is to scatter them over a very large and hardy area. With a garden, however, well, consider scattering four pounds of fine grit and concrete over your garden that will not sink into the soil. You may also find bone fragments, and maybe other small pieces of metal that the crem processes missed (fillings etc). I certainly would be very unhappy with pets or children playing in the vicinity for at least a year, and I would hesitate to garden in the area.

Depending on the weather around the time if you scatter, you are also risking ashes going where they are not intended to. You don't want your plants, your garden furniture, your windows, your paths to be covered in a layer of ash.

I personally think the request is a incredible imposition upon you, and the gentleman needs to think carefully about what he is asking and you need to consider about the implications for the future. He could, for example, get very upset if something changes in the garden. He may feel he has a right to visit. I am also concerned about the notion of "a ceremony" in the garden; this is not someone who just wants to scatter a tablespoon under a rosebush for old times sake. It sounds like they want to use your garden in the way you would a formal remembrance garden.

It is worth pointing out that in my borough, all ashes now have to be interred in a suitable and licensed area precisely because of the environmental impact of scattered and buried ashes.

And, yes, due to some weird quirk of fate, I have quite a lot to do with human remains and policy.

I would say yes and make them a pot of tea etc.

But there is no way on earth I would agree to the ashes being scattered. It's the equivalent of a big bag of cat litter that will not blow away.

They would have to agree to them being buried, and somewhere that was convenient for us as a family (ie not somewhere that we would never be able to alter).

Have you decided what you are going to do OP?

I think that the rose bush compromise idea isn't workable. You'd feel guilty if you wanted to remove it or if it perished, and you'd always be fretting that the DCs/their friends could accidentally kick a ball at it.

The soil idea could seem slightly patronising, a bit like getting a little consolation project at work for no extra money when you've failed to win a promotion.

So, I wouldn't negotiate or offer alternatives. It needs to be a yes or a no really. Fwiw I'd say yes.

A yes from me. I would even plant a rose bush if he liked the idea and update with pics when it came into bloom. I would also provide sarnies, and . I'm no mother Teresa but it would feel like the right thing to do and from a purely selfish point of view it would make me happy to do something which would mean a lot to someone else, at no real cost to me.

My Dad scattered half of my Mum's ashes in the garden of our family home which he stayed in for about 6 months after she died. The rest are in a planter in my garden. I can tell you that they are not ashes. It is like fine ground cat litter and is very obvious. It doesn't blow away and it doesn't go away. My Mum has been dead for 14 years but when I dig over her planter every spring, lots of bits of it come to the surface and I have to cover them up. It mortifies me to be honest. I feel like I'm intruding a bit, even though it's my own Mum! I am not sure how I'd feel about a request like this, but know the importance and sentimentality of a previously loved and happy home. My brother and I do often wish Dad had made different arrangements and we all had one place to visit with ashes buried appropriately. It's a really difficult call. I think I would err on the side of "wouldn't you prefer somewhere really pretty and lovely where you can all visit often rather than our garden". I don't envy you OP

Do you have a front garden you could plant a rose in? Then he could walk past and see her rather than on your back garden?

No it may sound heartless but I couldn't agree to that.

I agree that when a loved one passes most people want somewhere they can go and visit them.We lost my Mum and I need to be able to visit her when I want,I wouldn't be able to do that if we'd scattered her ashes in someone elses garden.

Honestly I wouldn't allow it. It's your home now. In fact I wouldn't allow people randomly into my garden full stop. I'm sure there'll be plenty of other meaningful places her ashes can be scattered. And ashes really aren't lovely find dust that will just blow away, they're grainy and will hang around for some time

Oh tricky but I couldn't say no. My mum asked to be scattered in a walled garden. We found a national trust place (where you are asked for a donation) that has a walled garden but we were not allowed to use that bit, only allowed in the "dedicated ash scattering area"---- . We had a weird national trust employee escort us around so it wasn't very private. We did manage to keep a bit aside and run off to the walled bit and put a handful there. That bit was actually quite funny as my dad didn't take the wind direction into account as he was trying to do it without being spotted so the ashes mostly went on his trousers. My mum would have been all annoyed at him so we all had a giggle. We also kept a bit back and scattered it in the garden at home that my dad was selling. When I happen to drive past (very infrequent) I say hello. I'm just saying all that as he must feel an obligation to carry out the wishes and it will mean ever so much. I do think you will need to gently point out that he won't be able to visit the spot though. I also think you need to ask for them to be buried in a flower bed or scattered somewhere appropriate. Ashes really are quite erm gritty, they don't just disintegrate in the rain or fly off.

I wouldnt agree. And I think its a cheek to ask.

I really do think crematoriums should be transparent and advise bereaved people on this... The concept of scattering the ashes is at odds with the grim reality. Unless it's in a remote area, I think people should be encouraged to bury them, or keep them safely in a container.

Could you suggest they are buried but in a the front garden, that way at least the family can visit from behind the fence/wall without disturbing you.

YANBU - who knows where it would end? When the husband died would he want to be scattered in your garden too? Would they want to come for birthdays/anniversaries etc? Would they want you to keep part of the garden/certain plants as memprials? What happens if you move out but the old owner still comes round, how do you explain that to new buyers? etcetc

Personally I think I'd probably say something like you don't feel comfortable having them scatter all of her ashes over your garden, but if they wanted to come and scatter a small amount of them and keep the rest to scatter somewhere they could go and visit regularly, then they'd be more than welcome.

We did this for my grandfather - he wanted his ashes scattered in some of his favourite places. We scattered some in each of those places then each of his children and my gran chose places with significant significance to them and their relationship with my grandfather and scattered the rest in all those places and saved a little bit that they had buried under the tree with his memorial plaque in the cemetary . So now, when my dad takes my nephew to the football pitch his father took him to when he was little, he thinks of my grandfather, when my aunt walks along the beach she has such fond memories of building sandcastles with her father and the holidays they spent there, every time my gran bakes a pie using the apples from the trees in the garden that was my grandad's favourite she thinks of him etcetc ... it's a nice way to remember him and when they scattered the ashes they all got together to spend the weekend reminiscing of all their favourite memories, which is how I'd like to think my grandad would want to be remembered.

My grandad was scattered in his garden as it was his favourite place to be. The house was sold shortly after and we don't go knocking to visit him if that's a worry - it's where he wanted to be as he loved that garden and now he is a part of it.

Don't know what the garden is like now don't need to know .

It was important to him that he became a part of it.

I think I am in the I would camp ( and also make them a cuppa).

They lived there practically all their life. I would look on it as a good thing that the home has lovely, happy memories and that you are lucky in a way to be able to carry on and make future happy memories there.

I too may suggest possibly using the front so that if they get the urge to visit afterwards they can do so without disturbing you etc. As someone else mentioned it is possible that the DH may want to end up there too at some point.

(My husband knows he is to take mine to Antigua or Thailand or somewhere warm as I don't want to stay in cold old England )

The thing is also, there is a way of ensuring this, and that’s to put a restrictive covenant on the property allowing access to scatter ashes/ visit the site etc, before sale. Of course in doing so the sellers would have had to accept both that it might be harder to sell and also that they might have had to drop the price significantly, but at least the person who bought would be on notice that this was what they had signed up to.

Anyway OP, I don’t think YABU, but I hope you can find a solution which is acceptable to all of you.

I'd say 'Yes,that might be possible, but wouldn't you rather put her somewhere you can visit?' At least that will draw out his intentions.

I don't think you can refuse.

I couldn't refuse such a request. I have asked that I be cremated and the ashes not buried but scattered somewhere that people would walk by. I hate the idea of any part of me being in the Earth or blowing around a bleak and lonely place.

Well if they just want to sprinkle her you can dig it all in when they have gone but I imagine they will dig a hole and put the ashes in.
I would let them and offer them the chance to plant something where they put the ashes.

Nobody owns anything forever, the place I live in is 150 years old, we are a link in a chain. Personally i like the continuity of the previous long term owners having their ashes scattered there (even if some get buried etc.). I don't think it's cheeky and I do think it's absolutely heartless to refuse.

how can it be heartless when you just said noone owns anything forever

thats the point its not their house anymore andits unfair to put guilt onto op

i like my ho9use but even if im here another 20 years no way am i going to want to be buried or scattred here

I agree with the suggestion of burying the urn in the front garden- as near as possible to the front boundary so they can visit as much as they like without being in your space, because it is your space now. What happens when they want to visit granny on anniversaries, birthdays, high days and holidays? And when her husband dies, will they expect him to join her?

As many other people have said, the reality of scattering ashes is vastly removed from the romantic idea of the wind carrying fine dust away.

Scattering someone's ashes in a garden isn't a claim of ownership on that garden, ashes are hardly going to start using your bathroom. It's depressing that some people think it's a big imposition to have an old man and his children round for an hour to scatter some ashes.

I wouldn't want human ashes scattered over my garden, it's not something I've ever dealt with and it seems a bit grim to me. Not if it's your loved one, but a stranger's ashes sitting on the grass? That would make me avoid my own garden.

If you want to let them do this, find a spot where they can plant a rose bush and bury the ashes!