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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 08/02/2017 21:40

Either way it is not the 'home' she knew, it is now the home of the OP and her family.

oleoleoleole · 08/02/2017 21:42

I'd be inclined to say no.

It's no longer their home.

It will upset your DC.

peukpokicuzo · 08/02/2017 21:43

Regretfully I don't think this is a reasonable request for anyone to make of you, even on their deathbed.

It is your home now, you are making your own memories there. If the wife's ashes are scattered there the husband's will need to be soon in the next few years. You don't want your house to be a place of pilgrimage like that.

I like the idea from upthread that you offer to fill a large plant pot with earth from your garden that they can scatter the ashes in (which you could agree to happening at the roadside boundary to your property - not in the back garden) and which they take away with them and plant a rose bush in or whatever, never needing to return for visiting or for popping Grandpa in when his time comes.

Taylor22 · 08/02/2017 21:43

If she wanted to go home, then they should've stayed home.

Italiangreyhound · 08/02/2017 21:43

To be honest i feel a bit sorry for this man. This was not necessarily his plan. If you say no to the request you might free him, OP to do what he wants to do to remember his wife.

Trifleorbust · 08/02/2017 21:44

She is of course not obligated to say yes.

user892 · 08/02/2017 21:44

Italiangreyhound it's a neat thought, the weight of the remains...

This may sound weird, but when I went to the crematorium to collect my Dad's remains, when they handed him over it was much weightier than I thought (the container was only plastic), and I had a very deep peaceful familiar feeling of:

Yes, that's my Dad

We buried him in a field he loved and put bulbs in too. Have sold the land but haven't confessed to the new owner. She lets us visit 'his tree' there anyway.

SuperBeagle · 08/02/2017 21:46

If she wanted to go home, then they should've stayed home.

Because everyone lives independently until they die. Hmm

Not. Most people end up having to go to a nursing home, or retirement home etc. You'll be no different.

TinselTwins · 08/02/2017 21:47

As it's fairly split down the middle, I want to ask the "yes" people if they accept that if the OP does end up agreeing with you and says yes, that it is somewhat of a permanant commitment.

As in:
-If they scatter her under a bush, the OP can't really feel free to dig up that bush and earth and replace it with a decked area the following week
-The OP will feel she should avoid that corner when dumping cat litter next

  • if there's a rose bush scenario, the OP can't really leave it to whither and die
…. and so on… and even if she does never ever see or hear from the family again, there is a degree of permanance over the part of the garden which the ashes are scattered, because if there weren't, they wouldn' abe asking to do it would they? And if the OP DOES say yes then that "yes" comes with a degree of agrement to then "respect" the area in a certain way
FrameyMcFrame · 08/02/2017 21:47

This is your house now, completely.

It's unreasonable to ask this, I'm sorry but I think you should say no.

Taylor22 · 08/02/2017 21:47

Superbeagle I understand that.
That's the harsh reality of life.

However, that means that no one can go making unreasonable demands on things they no longer own.

DevelopingDetritus · 08/02/2017 21:50

I don't think it's right, I wouldn't let him.
You could say it will upset the children maybe.
The idea of some soil he could take away with him is a good idea.

CreepyPasta · 08/02/2017 21:50

We did this with my mums ashes as she wanted them scattered in the garden of the house she grew up in.

Never been back or felt the need to. Plaque in the local cemetery which we visit on birthdays etc.

Could you speak to the family and see if scattering the ashes would be enough for them?

Esspee · 08/02/2017 21:50

I might feel a little uncomfortable but if it gives comfort to an elderly man who has lost his wife I would find it impossible to refuse. Just give them access to your garden and go out for an hour. As a keen gardener I would dig it in, as it must be excellent fertiliser.
If you really feel bad about it why not discuss with him whether he might prefer somewhere that his ashes might join those of his wife at a later date, and somewhere the family could visit whenever they wanted.

Italiangreyhound · 08/02/2017 21:50

AlmostAJillSandwich I am very sorry you feel distressed at the thought of your mum's ashes. How long ago did she die, was it recent?

May I respectfully suggest that you have some bereavement counselling. It can be very helpful in processing what is a very distressing event. In many cases despite being distressing it is a natural event. I do understand that when people die young or in distressing circumstances it can be especially hard to come to terms with.

Please do feel free to ignore this comment if it is unhelpful. Thanks

SuperBeagle · 08/02/2017 21:50

Taylor But whether it's reasonable or unreasonable is up to subjective interpretation. It seems a fairly even divide on this thread, for example.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 08/02/2017 21:51

AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!
I missed this bit before. You feel how you feel and if you are doing something like this, you should go into it willingly. Feeling coerced will end badly.

Taylor22 · 08/02/2017 21:51

I'd say that it's wrong to even risk putting this emotional burden on another person.
To even risk making someone distressed about remains resigning permanently in their property.

Bettyspants · 08/02/2017 21:53

Well your replies aren't loading on my shitty wi fi , but I understand yanbu. It's a very unusual request considering the house is no longer theirs.

However, I would absolutely do the same. I also know that I'd find myself offering tea etc, so for that (and their privacy) I would leave for the afternoon. Just to clarify making tea is lovely I just wouldn't get too involved and end up saying 'come over any time'

BarbarianMum · 08/02/2017 21:53

Tinsel I would say yes but I wouldn't feel any commitment to keep the garden unchanged, it would still be my garden. Obviously if I was about to farm pigs in it I'd mention that before they scatter...

junglie · 08/02/2017 21:55

Could you suggest they buy a really big planter and a rose? They could place the ashes in the bottom and you could place it in the garden then they would be able to remove it or add to it at any time.

Italiangreyhound · 08/02/2017 21:55

user892 although it was unusual having my mum's ashes in the house for a short time it felt right to scatter them and there was a sense of completeness. I feel it is quite helpful to get more comfortable with death as one ages. (Being a Christian has maybe made it easier too.)

ThatWasThat · 08/02/2017 21:56

It's lovely that they felt able to approach you. They must have felt when you bought the house that you were someone they could empathise with. I've not come across this before but I would be flattered if someone asked me the same. Ashes will be good for your garden and disappear pretty quickly.

tinkiiev · 08/02/2017 21:58

Have you got a front garden? Maybe they could scatter or bury them there (under a lovely rose bush or something like pp have said?) so they don't need to come through the house and can come back/go past whenever they like.

NavyandWhite · 08/02/2017 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.